To think DH just needs to get on with it?

[Namechanges85437854]

DH has mental health struggles, this has been ongoing for about 5 years. For 3 of those he more or less checked out if family life and I was left doing everything for then baby & toddler DC. 2 years ago, he finally accepted it was a problem and went to the gp, he now had medication & reduced his work to part time, but I still carry at least 75% of the load with housework and child care as he "can't cope" with the children and "needs down time". I'm trying to be understanding as healthy issues are no one's falt, but he is pretty difficult to live with a lot of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I had surgery on my ankle and currently can't put weight on it for another month. I can get around the house on crutches, but getting anything done is difficult and quite painful if I do to much. It's currently half-term and he's spent all day in bed, leaving me to deal with the kids. Yesterday he also left me to deal with them, but I had help from their grandparents, so wasn't as bad.

AIBU to think that even with MH struggles, he could push through for 6 weeks until I can walk again, or at least one week until the kids are back at school?

(If relevant, DC are 7&5 but have additional needs so work load of looking after them is more like with toddlers)

Sounds very much like the situation wi the my ex @Namechanges85437854 . He struggled more and more with executive functioning after we had children (or perhaps his lacking wasn’t as obvious before we had them), and when our children presented with ASD traits it became quite evident he was undiagnosed. Tried to make it work but as soon as he accepted he was autistic he ‘happily leaned into it’ (his words), and would completely switch off from home life/admin/chores because that was too much on top of going to work as well apparently. When he fully stopped doing anything at home without being told (and I mean I was literally having to support him in making sure he was washing himself), I realised that he had no willingness to compromise even if it was (and I do absolutely accept it is/was) 10x more difficult for him to do than for a typical person.

I couldn’t be his carer and care for our children as well, I felt like I was hanging on the side of a mountain by my fingertips whilst he was hanging off my back (dramatic I know!). So I left, it’s still difficult but in many ways a lot easier.

I agree with this. If he's undiagnosed autistic and is suffering from burnout, he absolutely won't be able to snap out of it, however much he might want to.

That said, you don't have to stay with him OP, and the last thing I want to do is downplay how awful this is from your perspective. As a pp said, you shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep him warm, and we all have our limits. You don't owe him your health or your happiness, no matter how bad he's feeling.

If it is burnout, he needs to go back to the GP and push for an autism assessment, or pay for one privately. He needs autism-informed therapy, rest and time to recover. If that has to be done as a single man, then so be it; his needs and those of his family are diametrically opposed at the moment, and there's no easy way through it.

You are enabling him OP
There is a line between being supportive and enabling- this line has be crossed

You need to start calling him out and stop everyone covering for him.
Until you do he will continue to check out of your marriage and his responsibilities

God help you OP.
I have no idea how you have tolerated this.
I would be looking to get rid of him.
The added burden of him is too much.
You desperately need to protect yourself before you burnout.

Has there ever been much sign that he likes being with his children? My ex seemed to want kids, but became detached when we had them, and even a bit jealous of them; when we went to counselling he admitted he hadn't really thought about whether he wanted them, just went along with it, and resented the time they took up...we split up long ago, and tho he was slightly better as an every third weekend dad until they were teens, he now barely keeps in touch with them.

I mention this because your other half may just not have the capacity to parent those children, and you then have to decide if the children are really better off with a parent in the house who isn't interested in them, than with one loving, engaged parent. There's also the fact that they are learning that dad's do nothing around the house, and mum's do everything, which is a poor example for them as they grow older..

That must be flaming annoying!

Op I agree with pp that you don't have to stay and facilitate this. I've done similar (tho DS is pretty much now an adult) and it does resonate with me about how you're putting yourself last and he's just not appreciative.

I finally realised that H would take take take and whatever I did was just not good enough. So I stopped - no washing or ironing and no buying stuff he wants and doing stuff he wants and reminding him of stuff. It's pretty amazing actually how he can in fact sort himself out if there is no other option.

However he is struggling, he is taking no responsibility for himself. And that is not tenable. He may or may not snap out of it, but for sure he will negatively affect you. Please take care of yourself.

Why is your opinion more correct than my lived experience?

He has bog standard anxiety/depression type stuff. I have been on antidepressants for 20 odd years and been through four therapists. Guess what I do every day? Get the fuck on with life.

My DH has tried to take his life three times. Guess what he does every day? Gets the fuck on with life.

Anxiety and depression are hard to live with but live you must. Not rot away in bed.

What does he do on those 4 days off?

I’m sorry op. I really am as that’s very unfair on you.
I just couldn’t put up with that.

Just because you could "get the fuck on with life" doesn't mean everyone can.
I've had periods of time where I absolutely haven't been able to just get on with it, I literally could not function, it's not a case of being lazy or not trying, I've also had times where things have been really bad but I've been able to struggle though, but the times I couldn't I was significantly more unwell than the times I could.

His 'period of time' has been 5 whole years!

During which his wife has basically single handedly raised 2 children (I note he wasn't too depressed to have sex)

He needs to pull his finger out as OP needs a partner, not an adult baby

Mental health or not, he's a lazy arse and I'm really sorry to say that I think you've been enabling this by letting it go on for so long.

Get your ankle better then consider getting rid of him.

Or maybe willpower and necessity plays a role. I lost my career to mental health and the more time I spent at home not functioning the worse I got. Please don’t think you have it worse than anyone else because you can’t get your shit together and other people can. Every morning I get up and all I want to do is go back to bed and hide under the covers. My DH went straight from the psych ward to the office after one attempt to take his life.

OP’s husband can get up for work three days a week so he sure as shit can help with the kids.

It also doesn't feel right dragging family half was across the country when he's literally sat upstairs.

Have you said this to him?? How can he justify not taking over?

Very powerful. Wishing both you and OP well.

It looks to me like he has mentally checked out of the relationship. If he can't even help while you are recovering, he just isn't trying, having poor mental health doesn't take away the use of his limbs & being active would actually help him. You need to think if you want to stay in a relationship where you have to carry a human lump of lead around with you or cut loose & end the relationship.

I dont think anyone argues with that, i suffer with MH issues...the issue is him not willing to do anymore about seeking outside support with his mental health. The physical and mental load on OP is palpable. She has every right to do a runner here. Same advice if OP was a man.

He needs to get his shit together seriously. I've had CPTSD, hallucinations and hear voices for 45 years. It didn't stop me from raising a child on my own, working full time in the NHS and buying my own home.
Because if I checked out I would have lost my child. It is perfectly possible to manage your mental health with the right medication, counselling and motivation. He is using this as an excuse to check out from from family life.

As someone who has long standing mental health issues I always think we have a responsibility to do all we can to get support.

For me at the moment it means:

• weekly counselling (NHS)
• daily meds
• working part-time
• listening to daily 10 mn guided meditation morning and evening.

That allows me to function as much as I can.

But there is also no denying that mental health can take a terrible toll on someone. I had about 3 episodes of complete breakdowns in my life and a few months ago I made plans to take my own life.

When I was at my worse, I had to be under the daily care of the Crisis team, I could not eat, sleep or read. It was taking me 4 hours to try to eat a small breakfast and all I did was seat on a chair all day.

It took about a month for the meds to work and for me to start feeling a bit better. I still get exhausted really quickly but I use my small bursts of energy to do work/cleaning and so on.

This means I have some sympathy for your husband but I also think it does not sound like he is doing a lot to help himself.

I have accepted that the mental health issues and the fact that I am neurodivergent will never go away, so for me it is about finding coping mechanisms to still do as much as I can in life.

Your partner should not be using this as an excuse not to have any involvement in your kids' life.

Support should go both ways and he definitely needs to be there for you while you struggle with your own health.

If not, I would ask myself if this relationship is really worth saving if you live as a single parent already...

Yes, my first husband had MH issues…bad depression, couldn’t hold down a job very well, increasingly nasty, and I was the breadwinner and doing all the domestics. Didn’t have children because I knew I’d be raising them solo. After 10 years of it, I asked him for a divorce. His second wife is doing just as I was, whilst he is still unemployed. My second marriage has been a revelation, a real partnership.

We are all different.
My lived experience is different then, I suppose.
Forcing an adult to do anything they don't want to do is not going to give you or the OP the desired result.
They likely just check out and leave when they can.
😊

Not much of a loss for the OP, really.