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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and holiday

93 replies

Goddessonahighway · 28/05/2024 16:22

It's another one of those threads...
I get on well with my MIL but she can over step in her comments to me. My FIL sadly recently and MIL is coming to terms with not being part of a couple. I think I'm sensitive to her needs and help out during difficult days. Both FIL and MIL came on holiday with us last year before he deteriorated rapidly. I'm very glad we had that time together. Prior to this they went separately to us.

Holidays are very important to my MIL but I don't want to be tied to taking her with us everytime. It's hard to sort the 4 of us out without another person's wants/wishes put into the mix. This year we booked without her and she looked into cost for a single room which was prohibitive. So we took her away all expenses paid for a weekend in this country. She did struggle with the amount of walking we did but I think on the whole she enjoyed it.

We've been talking about holidays next year and my MIL stated, "I'm coming next year" and I was taken aback. I just said we'll go ahead and book what we want and she can look at the costs for herself. She does so much for us that I felt churlish to say no. She didn't take her mother abroad when she was in my situation, and she didn't have a MIL so she's just coming from her point of view that she wants a holiday and she can come on ours. It's hard to put into words why I'm against it, and i'd never want to cause her any upset. Do I go with it for next year and be kind, but put in a proviso that's it not every year. Or is that still going to cause upset?

OP posts:

Original poster

Goddessonahighway · 28/05/2024 16:24

I would love other mother in law's views here, especially if you are close to your daughter in law.

OP posts:

Karensalright · 28/05/2024 16:31

Both a mother and MIL. You cannot replace her husband as a holiday companion. It’s up to her to develop a new life. It is not your job to fill the hole her husband has left.

Although it is early days so she may need some support and company right now.

You should encourage her to make new friends/ hobbies. Saga and TUI do holidays for singles.

ChanWork · 28/05/2024 16:32

It's tricky as although you don't want to leave her out you equally don't want a situation where she comes on holiday with you every year and you never have a holiday just your family.

Personally we don't discuss our holiday plans around any family members and just announce a few weeks before that we're off to France in July or whatever. We take my dad away for long weekends throughout the year.

Can you just quietly plan your own holiday and then invite her to join you in a short break at another time of year? Or can your DH take her away on a holiday more suitable to her needs at another time of year? That way she gets used to the idea she still gets to go away with family but just not on your main holiday every year.

Sprinkles211 · 28/05/2024 16:40

I'm definitely going to be in the minority here but we take my mum and most recently my great aunt with us too on one of our holidays abroad each year. We have 3 sen children though ages 16, 8 and 1. The extra eyes are a god send for us and we don't all stick together or feel the need to do the same things. The 16yr old tends to go with my mum and great aunt as she gets to do things the two littles don't cope with.

Original poster

Goddessonahighway · 28/05/2024 16:41

@Karensalright thank you for your reply and I'm on the same track as you. I've already talked to her about building a new life around what's important to her. She's started a new hobby and meeting a friend for coffee every week around thus. I'm very proud of her for doing this and I've told her. She's booked a trip away with a family member in this country for this year but its abroad she wants (with us).

OP posts:

StarbucksQueen1 · 28/05/2024 16:43

I don’t like my MIL or my own mother massively so wouldn’t want either on our holiday!! Don’t see why you should take her and it’s a shame she’s just presumed!!

Original poster

Goddessonahighway · 28/05/2024 16:46

ChanWork · 28/05/2024 16:32

It's tricky as although you don't want to leave her out you equally don't want a situation where she comes on holiday with you every year and you never have a holiday just your family.

I walked in on my DH and MIL talking about it. 🤦‍♀️ but we are extremely close to mil so it would be weird to spring our holiday on her. I think we'll have to be more upfront. I've just had a chat with DH about it and he's erring on the side of letting her come while she can. I've said he needs to say we've had a chat (showing that we've got a choice in this) and we'd like her to come with us next year but we will want holidays just the four of us as well. His mum so he needs to have the chat. Also stating that as it is our main family holiday we call all the shots (in nicer terms) regarding when/where we go.

OP posts:

Karensalright · 28/05/2024 16:48

Hopefully she will make holiday buddies if encouraged. On the odd occasion i have had MIL or mother with us but don't invite either of them routinely.

You could make a rod for your own back.

Do not feel guilty. You have no obligations.

TemuSpecialBuy · 28/05/2024 16:49

I had this...
i solved it with a 2 pronged attack.

Say you arent going next year (and either mean it or lie about it. We actually didnt go)

Book her on a solo holiday as a gift. We did an italian cooking holiday

We also encouraged her to join local groups... wine society, walking club, book club blah blah blah

It stopped a pattern forming and saved us a big headache

KreedKafer · 28/05/2024 16:50

We've taken my MIL, and separately my own mum, away with us for a weekend as a treat for them, once or twice. And we have them to stay at ours for the odd weekend and take them on days out etc. But we don't take them on our main holiday! And they wouldn't expect it.

CuriousGeorge80 · 28/05/2024 16:51

If she is generally a good person and supportive and kind (which it sounds like she is) I really cannot imagine begrudging her this. I think it’s really sad. I don’t really like my MIL but wouldn’t hesitate to let her join my holiday if she was recently widowed.

Gazelda · 28/05/2024 16:55

I think you're very wise to get DH to say you've discussed it. As you say, it indicates that you've reached a decision between the two of you, not passively accepted her assumption that she'd be welcome.

But yes, make sure she knows that she's welcome this time. Perhaps say that you're so busy with life that you and the kids need your annual holiday to reconnect as a 4some. (I'm 100% projecting here, because I'm conscious that my 16yo DD might not want to come away with us for many more years 😥)

Does she have other children? What did you do at Christmas, birthdays, mothers day etc?

Rocknrollstar · 28/05/2024 16:56

Show her holidays for singles on Riviera (or similar). Maybe she needs a hobby that can include holidays eg Bridge or painting. She needs to join groups and make friends. Our U3A organises trips away 2/3 times a year. Perhaps you could have a weekend away with her but make it clear that holidays are for you and the children.

Floofydawg · 28/05/2024 16:56

She can't just unilaterally decide that she's coming - I wouldn't be happy with my own mother doing this, never mind my MIL. I took my own mum on holiday for a number of years after my dad passed away whilst still trying to encourage her to build her own life. She didn't really try and find alternatives, and when our kids stopped coming on holiday with us I stopped inviting my mum. It's not your job to entertain her.

kiwiane · 28/05/2024 16:58

She was rude and should wait to be asked - families have a right to their own holidays.
I would only offer to take her if he it suits you too.

AnnaMagnani · 28/05/2024 16:59

I'd be very clear with my DH that I was not going on holiday every time with his mother.

How he sorts this is up to him but he has to do it.

Come while she can is fine but not every holiday and not so her needs dictate what you do on that holiday.

No way would my DM or MIL invite themselves on our family holiday. Its so rude.

harriethoyle · 28/05/2024 17:01

Could you do a long weekend with MIL and keep your family holiday just for the four of you?

Original poster

Goddessonahighway · 28/05/2024 17:07

Gazelda · 28/05/2024 16:55

Does she have other children? What did you do at Christmas, birthdays, mothers day etc?

No other children. DH wasn't an only child and there's been a bereavement of a sibling. We do every Christmas, mother's day etc with my MIL. I see my family on Boxing day.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm reading them through with DH and it's great to have different perspectives.

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 28/05/2024 17:33

You mean you have never ever alternated Christmas as your family, his family, just yourselves?

Your MIL has had every Mothers day and your own mum none?

Hopefully your DH can see that this is not fair on you and changes are needed.

Original poster

Goddessonahighway · 28/05/2024 17:38

@AnnaMagnani my last post gives the wrong impression. My family dynamics are complicated and my mum is out of the picture. But, there is food for thought there about how established patterns can get. You've got me reflecting on that.

OP posts:

Grendacious · 28/05/2024 17:43

Does she have a friend in a similar position who would also like to come on the holiday? I've done a couple of those and it worked well as the group naturally split after breakfast and rejoined for dinner. Much less pressure on you to meet her needs but obviously a different dynamic having the friend come along, might not be your cup of tea.

Beautifulbythebay · 28/05/2024 17:47

Be careful she doesn't insert your dh as a surrogate dh in her life. You are allowed family time that doesn't include her without feeling bad... Help her fill her time with things that don't mean your life is taken over.. Ideas for places to go or hobbies. Encouraging her to make a new life benefits everyone..

Original poster

Goddessonahighway · 28/05/2024 17:48

@Grendacious that's food for thought. Thank you.

OP posts:

DontKnow1988 · 28/05/2024 17:52

Just a word of caution...my mum and dad still have to take my grandma on holidays today. It started 25 years ago and now every time they make holiday plans, my grandma wants to come. She doesn't go on all of them, they agreed on one a year.

She's lovely but a pain in the arse as, well, she's elderly, while my parents are fit 60 year olds. So it changes the dynamic completely.

They actually decided to not go on holiday last year or this year, and only having a couple of romantic weekends away, because my dad can't face another holiday with his MIL. She'd be heartbroken if they went without her on a big holiday so now my parents are going without.

TimetoPour · 28/05/2024 17:57

How about….

MIL, we have been looking at holidays and finding it hard to book something that suits everyone. The kids want to do more of an adventure/activity holiday, we want to do XYZ, the extra room increases the cost astronomically/ reduces options of hotels. Would you mind very much if we did this holiday with just us and the kids and book another holiday where we comprise at a later date?

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