MIL and holiday

[Goddessonahighway]

It's another one of those threads...
I get on well with my MIL but she can over step in her comments to me. My FIL sadly recently and MIL is coming to terms with not being part of a couple. I think I'm sensitive to her needs and help out during difficult days. Both FIL and MIL came on holiday with us last year before he deteriorated rapidly. I'm very glad we had that time together. Prior to this they went separately to us.

Holidays are very important to my MIL but I don't want to be tied to taking her with us everytime. It's hard to sort the 4 of us out without another person's wants/wishes put into the mix. This year we booked without her and she looked into cost for a single room which was prohibitive. So we took her away all expenses paid for a weekend in this country. She did struggle with the amount of walking we did but I think on the whole she enjoyed it.

We've been talking about holidays next year and my MIL stated, "I'm coming next year" and I was taken aback. I just said we'll go ahead and book what we want and she can look at the costs for herself. She does so much for us that I felt churlish to say no. She didn't take her mother abroad when she was in my situation, and she didn't have a MIL so she's just coming from her point of view that she wants a holiday and she can come on ours. It's hard to put into words why I'm against it, and i'd never want to cause her any upset. Do I go with it for next year and be kind, but put in a proviso that's it not every year. Or is that still going to cause upset?

With your update I can see that you aren't needing a similar space for your parents.

However you do need a space just for you, DH and the kids.

A Christmas the kids wake up in their own bedrooms.

A Mother's day that is all about you and not a grandparent.

A holiday that's just the 4 of you. Or one where MIL comes but stays at the hotel while you do something with the kids. Or babysits while you have a date night.

It needs mixing up before the pattern is set in stone for the rest of her life.

I think this is my worry. I obviously get into established patterns, initially for good reasons and then they become hard to break. We just need to be upfront with her about that it's not every time. There needs to be some room for us as a couple/family. I really feel for your parents in that situation. I love going away as a family but I'm also looking forward to couples holidays when the kids have grown up.

I actually think your MIL was very rude here!

I would make a point of saying this holiday was just for ‘us’ but you’d look at something including her in future. I think you need to take care to manage expectations here!

If I was in the position of your MIL, I would want to travel with you only from the pov of having some sort of security blanket during the travelling - I'd be more than happy to do my own thing once at the destination. Equally, I'd be happy to be on hand to do the (occasional) bit of child-minding, or enjoying a family meal. If you've spent years doing thing as a couple it can be quite scary to do things on your own, especially negotiating things like airports or driving distances. I'm not a clingy mum and very happy with my own company but not brilliant at being alone when travelling - safety in numbers.

No. It's not fair on your family, it changes the whole holiday dynamic and sets a precedent for future holidays.
If she has increasing mobility issues it will also impact the holidays you can take. Either having to pay out for hire cars/ taxis if you want to go see anything or being limited to the hotel.
I'm not saying never take her, but it has to be by invite from you, not her just assuming she can jump on to every holiday.
It's really easy to fall into being her only companion for all social events and holidays but long term she needs to foster her own social circle.

I think you have already nailed the solution yourself @Goddessonahighway. This would be our approach too – if MIL is coming on our family holiday, we are going to decide on date, location, level of activity etc. Obviously we would involve her in discussions, but no way I'm going to miss out on, say, a sight-seeing trip because MIL can't manage it.

@Goddessonahighway you sound like a lovely, caring DIL in stark contrast to the usual type of 'my MIL is a toxic bitch' post. It makes a refreshing change to read a measured, understanding and thoughtful approach to your husband's recently widowed mum. Honest communication with a gentle and kind touch, is key. Hopefully you will make happy memories to share together.

I like my DM and MiL. Neither me or my DH would holiday with them.

Holidays are our family/couple time - just us or us with the DC ‘s.cwe work hard and need time together. Being joined by anyone else, is not a conversation we ever have.

At the same time we would never try and invite ourselves on holiday with our older children either. That is time for their family.

I think I'd make it clear that your main family holiday will be to places that suit you first, and will be filled with activities with you and your DC in mind.

If she would like to come to those places with you and amuse herself if she can't take part in the activities, OK, but these are holidays built around what you and your DC want to do.

Or you can go on some shorter breaks with her at other times that are more suited to her needs/wants.

I would not let her think that you will organise main family holidays around her needs as the primary factor.

You are right though, this conversation needs to be had by your DP, not you...

@thing47 sounds nice in theory but doesn't work in practice. Yes, you can dig your heels in on that one sightseeing thing you want to do but a level of compromise will be needed. OP will end up paying a shit load of money for a holiday where she only gets to do half the things she wants and will be 100% conscious of MIL being with them.

Honestly, I speak from experience. You either fully accept you are going on holiday with your MIL and that it's a completely different holiday OR you put your foot down and tell her no right now.

there must be holiday companies for retired solo travellers?

I obviously get into established patterns, initially for good reasons and then they become hard to break

It sounds as if you're risking getting into one here too
I know you want to suggest it "won't be every year", but since she's already been away with you this year and insists she'll also come along in 2025 I doubt that's a message which will penetrate

I'm also a bit "hmmm" about you walking in on her discussing it with your DH, and wonder if that's her working on the one she feels is most likely to accept what she wants?

You're absolutely right that it's a conversation DH needs to have with her, but frankly I'd want to be present for it - and even then you risk him "explaining" later that it was all your idea, and that if it was up to him she'd be coming every time

I'm also a bit "hmmm" about you walking in on her discussing it with your DH, and wonder if that's her working on the one she feels is most likely to accept what she wants?

That crossed my mind too …

There are, my DM uses One Traveller

I'd be very careful with this new dynamic and her expectations that may evolve over time into hoping your dh supports her as her dh would have. Yes she's recently bereaved but be careful not to get into a new routine right now of any kind. She's had your kindness for years by the sounds of it so you don't owe her anything. Also, you need to have your own memories with your own family before they all leave you and you wonder where did those years go. Having her in tow will no doubt restrict your own family time.

I get it. My mil always wants to
Come on holiday with us. She loves the idea! She hates it when she's there as we walk a lot, go beaches, kids activities and so on. She complains nonstop it's like having another toddler

We had to put a stop to it as she just didn't enjoy it and we don't want to change our holiday to one she likes (sitting people watching all day)

Just to add, re others saying this will become the new routine, that's exactly what happened with my mum after 4 or 5 years. She actually asked me whether we were going on holiday that year when I hadn't mentioned it, and I had to say that we were, but we were just going by ourselves that year. Twas tres awkward.

Good luck with this OP, I'm now in a situation where I don't go away at all anymore because my Mum always wants to come and is hurt and offended if she's not invited.

I used to go away with my DH once a year and on my own a couple of times a year - usually just short city breaks to go to exhibitions, etc. But I haven't been anywhere now for about 5 years.

I hope that you manage the situation better than I have!

She is family!

Does that mean that I have to invite my DPs, DB, DSIL, DN, plus my DH's DSs, DNs, etc on every holiday? And where does it end? Cousins? My cousin's children?

Nothing to stop you taking her away for a mini break but your main holiday should be for your family. As a mother and MIL I would never want to encroach on my children's family holidays.

No, don't be silly. She's a recently widowed MIL that OP says they are "very close to".

Yes, we are very close. She's been in my life since I was 20, and I'm in my 40s now. She is more like a mother to me. It's just about making it fair to all of us.

My DH thinks it's more about that she doesn't want to be on own while we're away. She does have friends and other friends who live close by. I think it's more about that she's always loved holidays. Who doesn't?!

If your MIL joins the online support organisation for widows and widowers (WAYUP), not only can she chat online and meet other for coffee, meals, walks etc, but there is a truly fantastic holiday offering. The organiser takes block bookings in hotels for double rooms but with no single supplement, and you can chat and make friends with others in the same situation in a supportive environment. I can’t recommend this enough.

As a widow myself, I think you are very wise not to set an accepted precedent (if you offer once, it becomes the norm).

That should say other friends and family. Sorry for all the typos - you've all done well to understand!