MIL and holiday

[Goddessonahighway]

It's another one of those threads...
I get on well with my MIL but she can over step in her comments to me. My FIL sadly recently and MIL is coming to terms with not being part of a couple. I think I'm sensitive to her needs and help out during difficult days. Both FIL and MIL came on holiday with us last year before he deteriorated rapidly. I'm very glad we had that time together. Prior to this they went separately to us.

Holidays are very important to my MIL but I don't want to be tied to taking her with us everytime. It's hard to sort the 4 of us out without another person's wants/wishes put into the mix. This year we booked without her and she looked into cost for a single room which was prohibitive. So we took her away all expenses paid for a weekend in this country. She did struggle with the amount of walking we did but I think on the whole she enjoyed it.

We've been talking about holidays next year and my MIL stated, "I'm coming next year" and I was taken aback. I just said we'll go ahead and book what we want and she can look at the costs for herself. She does so much for us that I felt churlish to say no. She didn't take her mother abroad when she was in my situation, and she didn't have a MIL so she's just coming from her point of view that she wants a holiday and she can come on ours. It's hard to put into words why I'm against it, and i'd never want to cause her any upset. Do I go with it for next year and be kind, but put in a proviso that's it not every year. Or is that still going to cause upset?

We tend to go away with either my mum or my MIL. Whilst it can be hard, I’d rather that than they never went away.

However they both pay towards the holiday.

I'm not being silly.

You responded to a comment about a family holiday by saying that the MIL 'is family!'

Well that's true, but then there are lots of other people in families too, that don't expect to barge into every holiday without being invited.

Your argument is ridiculous, I was just demonstrating why.

Not sure you have demonstrated it!

I know you said she struggled to keep up with you walking but if she is capable then an elderly and fit friend uses

https://www.hfholidays.co.uk/holidays/guided-walking/solos-holidays

Everything is organised including transfers if abroad and it sounds like lots of single females do them.

Perhaps training for a walking holiday might give her something to focus on too? Age and health dependant of course.

Cruises are expensive as a single traveler but they might be another option as there is so much to do and you can loose each other easily or do different ship excursions

Encourage her to join a meetup up travel group. My friend is always off abroad on holiday with people in a similar situation. Shes made some lovely friends too

I've been looking on Saga. They look fab as they pick you up straight from the house. Might be an option to explore with her.

I think it's very unfair of your MIL to assume she can go on holiday with you.

I lost my wife in January. I'm luckily very close to my daughters and grandsons. Think the world of them all. But would never push myself into their holidays.

One daughter, SIL and grandsons are off to Florida for 3 weeks in August. Other daughter and SIL are off to Tuscany at the same time(somewhere my late wife and I travelled to many, many times and loved)

Both girls asked me if I wanted to join them. Neither would have minded if I had chosen to join either of them.

But I said it would spoil THEIR holiday. Knowing my girls they would worry I was being left out/alone so that would have an effect on their plans.

I made it clear I'd be much happier knowing they were spending their holidays doing what they wanted.

You asked for comments from people who are themselves MILs. Well I am but to my son in laws. I go away quite a lot with my husband but we both think that if we were on our own we would go on our own. I think it is really really important for you, your husband and your children to have some time on your own together and if you can afford it a holiday.
You say your MIL does a lot for you but you must do a lot for her also even just by being there for her. In our family we just say what we think. My daughters are like me and if I asked for something they didn’t want they would just say No!
A lot depends on what you what sort of holidays you go on. Surely your children will want more and more active holidays as they get older. Maybe this won’t be suitable for MIL. We have had breaks in the UK with our children and grandchildren but these have always been second holidays for everyone and you don’t have to spend all the time together. Grandparents should always offer to babysit in the evenings!
If you do go away with your MIL this year do tell her that this is not how it will be next year. Sometimes people will only make the effort themselves if they are forced to. In the long term it would be better for your MIL to be more independent and maybe make some new friends. I have single friends who met people on singles holidays and ended up booking with for their next holiday.

I'm a widowed MIL to men.

My DDs have their own holidays with their partners/family, but nearly every year we'll have a short break somewhere all together. Which is lovely, and I'm very grateful for their tolerant partners.

But I'm happy to travel solo, so it's not like I depend on them for a holiday.

With my DM, I found anything that had a repeat (weekly/ monthly/ yearly) became a commitment after one invite. Invite to the cinema? Next time we go and don't ask her, I get told off. Trip out? Same thing. Xmas and birthdays became a minefield.
But covid broke the pattern and I've been really careful not to let anything become 'expected' again. Its a shame, coz we'd invite her to a lot more if it didn't create this situation every time.

Tell her smashing it's a sky diving trip and what size parachute does she need......

We have had holidays for many years with both mil and my parents and greatly enjoyed. Tbh it depends very much on age of the children, we found it a great help when children were very small. Both sets of parents keen to babysit in the evening when we wanted to go out, take turns in the pool with children, help making picnics and meals etc. But last two or three years things changed as kids got older and we found we didn't need the help as much and preferred family time. It was a bit awkward telling them but both very understanding. Currently we're at cp Europe having done skiing, water skiing, laser combat, swimming etc... Definitely not one for the olds 😂

We go away almost always with extended family. I find it helps having extra hands.

Have you thought of things from her POV? She has just lost her husband, someone she had in her life every day since probably longer than you've been born. To lose someone that significant and feel like you'll miss out on all the things you loved to do because of it, must be incredibly hard.

You say your DH needs to tell her it won't be every year, but she might not want to go every year. Are you worrying about something that might not even happen? Would it be so awful that she came on a few holidays with you? My kids love the extended family coming as it offers more freedom to do things. We love it as if we want to do something that the kids don't, someone else will keep eyes on them so we can do it anyways.

You've said your close yet it is your husband who is doing the hard convo. Can you not say to her what your itinerary is and then say we don't expect you will want to do all the same as us so you can have some peace and quiet to yourself or highlight a day you want to be on your own and say that. That way you aren't rejecting her altogether? I'm sure you MIL can see you want to do some things by yourself. Maybe she doesn't want to be left on her own for a whole week or 2 weeks. Lots more to it than just not wantig her to be there.

I went on holiday with my DS and family every year because they asked me to. I was a built-in babysitter so after a long day if fun I would get the kids ready for bed while they went out to see a show or have a drink together.
Sadly, they split a couple of years ago and I am going on holiday this year with the family and new partner - because they have asked me to. I would never assume that I was invited and have planned solo holidays with friends which didn't go down well with them (we have to go away on our own because Nanna doesn't want to come with us).
I guess it depends on the family dynamics. If everyone is happy holidaying together okay, if not a discussion needs to be had

What a nicely nuanced and thoughtful OP.

Families are so complicated and individual. Just because someone else can make a holiday work with a parent, doesn't mean everyone can or should. I'm afraid her assumption that she just will come is reducing her chances of doing so this year! Because it is right to push back a bit when it's an expectation or a demand.

What you do is more important than the conversations you have. It's amazing how snippets of conversation can get forgotten. I think a balanced way forward of doing short breaks with her, or maybe saying no this year but yes next time (or vice versa), is enough.

The PP's suggestion of her bringing a friend is a good one but like anything in this, it depends on the individuals. Some MiLs would still be setting up their sun lounger next to you all day even with a friend in tow, and even if you had carefully agreed not to do that. There's an argument that you don't really know how it'll be until you try it. We've holidayed with parents twice. It doesn't work for us and we won't be doing it again, but I don't regret trying it.

There is quite a lot of potential to hurt her feelings by booking her on a solo holiday, so tread carefully.

My sister and I take our dad on holiday with our families every year since my mum died. He loves a holiday and would never go on his own.

He's in his late 70s but fit and well and will still drive and chip in with finances and cooking. The only thing he won't do is walk up hills but he's happy to stay back and rest those days.

To be fair mum and dad often used to come on holidays with us when mum was alive too. At various times we went to all inclusives in the Med, Disneyland Paris and holiday parks in France. They enjoyed looking after the kids when they were young. We just really enjoy being together as a big extended family and it would be weird not to have dad there.

We do other stuff separately at different times eg DH and I will go away on our own or with one or both of the kids but we always have one holiday altogether.

I have sometimes offered to do similar for mother in law out of politeness but she always declines. She has a lot of dogs and younger grandchildren that she prefers to spend her holidays with.

That's my problem! I have thought about it from her point of view and I don't want to cause her any upset, whilst not ignoring my own wishes. I can have an argument with myself in a locked room because I can see it from the other perspective 🤦‍♀️😁 With my personality, I'm more likely to go along with what my MIL wants rather than put a boundary in place. And then we are back on the merry go round of established patterns and expectations.

It's been really helpful to have all opinions to consider.

@Goddessonahighway i personally cannot believe your husband expects you to have your MIL on holiday all the time just because she wants to come! wouldnt be me! I wouldnt even have my own mother on holiday all the time. when can you relax if she is always there? your hubby needs to tell her or you just take the bull by the horns and say directly to her that no, she will not be coming on your family holiday. she is extended family. your family consists of you, your hubby and your kids, absolutely no one else. you will be making a rod for your own back because it looks like, in the future, you are going to be expected to do any caring and shopping and running around for her and her needs and wants, according to your hubby, will always come first!! no no no

I'm a mum and MIL, went on holiday with adult child and family last year. It was torture, they wanted to do child friendly stuff every day, farm parks, beach, long walks through woods to adventure playgrounds. Up at the crack of dawn every day, never a quiet minute all day and within an hour of the kids being in bed, they all disappeared to their own rooms so very little adult interaction. No chance of an evening meal out. We will be doing our utmost to avoid going again. Maybe you need to have a different kind of holiday next time and hope that she feels the same as me and runs for the hills

My mum used to go on Saga holidays on her own. I don't know if they are still going as a company. She met some people on them and often met up at future holidays together

We both get on very well with both mothers, but they won't be coming on our main family holiday each year. We need that time as a family.

I think you should develop a routine of one or two short breaks a year with her and then your main holiday by yourselves.

I do feel for your MIL, especially as she's also lost a DC (I know from my own extended family that a bereavement of that nature has long reaching consequences, and that your DH was probably in the support role long before he lost his dad), but you do need to protect your own time.

We go away for 2 weeks - 2 different places and my Mum travels to be with us for one of the weeks. My Mum is 82 and very independent - she's catching a flight to be with us this year and then she'll come back in the car with us. Sometimes she'll fly to join us and then fly back while we go on to somewhere else.

My MIL was widowed 3 years ago but still hasn't found her way. My FIL and her spent 24/7 together and she finds it hard to do anything. She said that, unlike my Mum she wasn't cut out to be a widow - like it was my Mum's dream to be a widow! The difference between them is that my Mum has a 'can do' attitude but my MIL has a 'can't do' attitude.

We have had a long weekend away with them both, but it's a strain on the rest of us when MIL comes.

We are lucky enough to be able to afford multiple holidays a year but try and even things out so some multi generational trips others not
As a child myself maternal grandparents came on holiday with us every year but would not always stay in same accommodation and might not stay as long eg we had self catering apartment for 2 weeks and they would join us for a week in a hotel close by

That somes up the long weekend we took her on over the bank holiday weekend. With some things that she fancied doing as well. It was a very busy weekend and her leg has been playing up since.

Our main holidays are more chilled out. Tend to do all inclusive by the pool. Few day trips and visits into main centre. The kids like the organised activities, giving DH and me the odd 30 mins child free by the pool. Book and and no talking 😆

I have taken relative away on holiday for the last 10+ years
They said "they would not have a holiday otherwise"
They are not interested in singles holidays, saga, cruises or any other options

They have contributed to ideas of where to go & financially

All the arrangements, travel falls to me

I have enjoyed the holidays

We also have days out too

The relative is now not so mobile, so our options are much more limited

However, this is not the only holiday that I have per year & I have several other holidays.

So it depends if you have the time, energy, finances

I think that it is a good thing to do, but you need to agree on when, where, cost etc