MIL and holiday

[Goddessonahighway]

It's another one of those threads...
I get on well with my MIL but she can over step in her comments to me. My FIL sadly recently and MIL is coming to terms with not being part of a couple. I think I'm sensitive to her needs and help out during difficult days. Both FIL and MIL came on holiday with us last year before he deteriorated rapidly. I'm very glad we had that time together. Prior to this they went separately to us.

Holidays are very important to my MIL but I don't want to be tied to taking her with us everytime. It's hard to sort the 4 of us out without another person's wants/wishes put into the mix. This year we booked without her and she looked into cost for a single room which was prohibitive. So we took her away all expenses paid for a weekend in this country. She did struggle with the amount of walking we did but I think on the whole she enjoyed it.

We've been talking about holidays next year and my MIL stated, "I'm coming next year" and I was taken aback. I just said we'll go ahead and book what we want and she can look at the costs for herself. She does so much for us that I felt churlish to say no. She didn't take her mother abroad when she was in my situation, and she didn't have a MIL so she's just coming from her point of view that she wants a holiday and she can come on ours. It's hard to put into words why I'm against it, and i'd never want to cause her any upset. Do I go with it for next year and be kind, but put in a proviso that's it not every year. Or is that still going to cause upset?

@Goddessonahighway I think you are very sensible to not wanting a pattern to develop and strangely, I think saying no this year to your main holiday, is a MUST to 'set the scene', even if you decide to invite her next year, although personally I would only be offering to take her away for a long weekend. What age is she?

There are options for single travellers for holidays, both in this country and abroad and maybe you could do some research and tell her about them?

I am a Mum and a MIL and I would never invite myself to go on holiday with either of my children and their families. I do have a DH, but even on my own, it is not something I would contemplate for half a second, because that is their time to relax with their children

Having said that, this summer will be the third consecutive one where my daughter, partner and grandson have joined us in Self-catering Accommodation in a semi-rural location. For various reasons, we booked a bigger accommodation than we needed and there were 6 beds in 3 bedrooms. Daughter said she had always wanted to visit the area when we told her where we were going - so I invited them to join us .

It has worked extremely well, but that is because we were clear from the start that we would all do our own thing, unless we all wanted to visit the same place or do the same thing on any day (after we discussed the night before). So sometimes we would all go out together and I and my DH took my Grandson out on his own a couple of times to places which I thought he would enjoy, but his Mother didn't fancy going. The rest of the time we went in different directions.

I don't suppose your MIL would be happy to entertain herself during the day and meet up just for the evening meal though?

The trouble is that when you are younger and have a spouse/partner you don’t imagine being desperate to go away with family and/or have no one else to go with. When you become old and are widowed after many years people lose confidence and cling to what they know.MIL possibly doesn’t even realise she’s encroaching on her childrens’ plans. It’s difficult from both sides; the suggestion of a family weekend/short break with MIL is a good one.

How capable is she travelling alone? Could she cope? If so I would look at dedicated solo trips on cruises, there's a Facebook page dedicated to it that has amazing deals. Some of the people on it arrange to meet up on board in advance, but cruises always have a solo travellers programme and tables set aside for solos to share with others too. My brother recently did one and he said it was amazing, all these 70+ women flirting with him (he's gay)

Mil is actually easy to talk to but doesn't have confidence about making new connections. She would stay with us during holiday and wouldn't want time on her own.

One person mentioned that it will be left to me to care for my MIL when older. I know this but I'm OK with it. I spend a lot of time with her already and take her places I know she'll like. I do love her, and I appreciate everything she does for us. I think it's about feeling like I having a choice.

DH has a chat with MIL today. He said that she's welcome to come with us next year but that we will want holidays on our own too. He said we'll take her on weekends away and for her to remember there's other relatives she can go with apart from us. So expectations have been discussed and I'm pleased that it's been sorted.

@Goddessonahighway I'm glad you think it's been sorted although she still actually got what she wanted plus the promise of weekends away too. Good luck on the holiday.

@DontKnow1988 well there is that way of looking at it! 😆 You are right, but I'm feeling comfortable with that. The boundary has been put in place and it's up to us to maintain it as we see fit.

It’s good that he had this chat, you have to be really careful about establishing a pattern.
Also depending on your MIL age it might look cruel to push her more towards other people now but it’s the best approach for the future. My own mum was too focused on Dad and my sibling’s family (we live far away so out of the picture). Now she’s in her 80s and lonely (Dad died) Mum hasn’t got any hobbies as her only hobby was to help my sibling, now she is not able to help and sibling doesn’t need any help. Various health issues make developing a hobby more difficult.
My MiL was quite the opposite always and she always managed to leave some time for herself. She is the same age as my mum, the same situation - widowed and one child lives near by, but she has more various interests and much less lonely.

I think it would be nice to go away with her, perhaps for a long weekend, a couple of times a year, and make it somewhere she would particularly enjoy.

You should be able to have your main holiday with your DH and DCs without your Mil though.

Christmas /Mother's Day, difficult if your DH is an only child. I should imagine it would be hard for her to be alone at these times. Could you dial it back a bit - DH take her out for morning coffee on MD for an hour or so, she comes to you for supper on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day?

@Goddessonahighway - you wrote "I walked in on my DH and MIL talking about it. 🤦‍♀️ but we are extremely close to mil so it would be weird to spring our holiday on her. I think we'll have to be more upfront. I've just had a chat with DH about it and he's erring on the side of letting her come while she can."

There is your problem - your DH is the talker and will see absolutely nothing wrong with talking to his mother about holidays, even to your detriment. By detriment, I mean that you won't get to go on holidays just you, your DH and your kids 'while she can' go on the holidays too.

I think I'd want to have a word in DH's ear about what is and isn't going to happen where his mother is concerned. You enjoy her company yes, but she isn't your mother.

If your DH wants to take his mother on a break let it be a weekend away somewhere in the UK and he can take the kids and you get a weekend to yourself. Then when it comes to family holidays, you go abroad but without MiL.

I think this is one of those situation where you can chose to not be kind, without being unkind, so to speak. I don't think it would be unkind, bad, horrible not to include her on the holiday, but she's recently widowed and seems to want to be with you, and you don't seem to really have any major objection to her being there, so chose to be kind and take her because it's a nice thing to do. I would encourage her to meet do other hobbies and meet more people so that she will have her own friends to go on holiday with. I know several people (of my parents generation and sadly my own) who have been widowed recently and if any of them expressed a desire to come on holiday with us, I'd say yes. Not because I should, but because they are people who would fit in well with my family, and why not if it helps them.

I would honour what YOU want , thats no crime. I would politely tell her that for this holiday you want it to be just you, your hubby and kids etc. Full stop. You dont need to justify and explain. You are not committing any crime by wanting this. Its AOK.

I wouldn't like my MIL to just 'assume' she's coming. Even if she has come before.

What is also worth considering although it might come off as a bit macabre, is how many holidays away with you does she realistically have?
I lost my DM 6 years ago and MIL had a scare this year(not quite out of the woods) but that would heavily influence my decision too. My IL have in the past done a bit of an overlap. Granted, situation is a little different. However , they used to stay after/arrived before, so that might be an option to please all.

Good point and that's crossed my mind too, so it's not a blanket ban, but just not every year. To try and avoid assumptions.

We took my MIL, Mum and elderly aunt on holiday (not all at the same time!) and now they are no longer with us, they are some of the best memories I have of them. I tried to balance the needs of the elderly person and my SEN child, but the elderly relatives were happy to let you go off and do things with her for some of the time while they had a rest. There is a balance to strike, so maybe say you will take her on some holidays but at other times you will want to prioritise your children and do more active holidays with them.

I don't think it is reasonable just to say 'find a friend and go with them'. It can take time for someone widowed after a long marriage to find the confidence to venture out alone, even to social events, let alone a holiday. Hopefully that will come with time, but I think you have to be gentle with someone who is recently on their own. Reaching a deal where she comes some of the time seems the kindest way to resolve this.

OP you sound like a lovely considerate DIL. I'm old so looking at it from MILs point of view. I think she was presumptive to announce she was coming with you, though as someone who has always loved holidays and travelling abroad I can imagine how hard it would be to think I could never go again.
Having said that my worst nightmare would be to tag along as an unwelcome extra so I would always suspect my DC were inviting me out of duty. If I were MIL I would offer to pay for the whole family to go away for a short break in the UK.
I think you are very kind to offer to bring her along on some but not all family holidays.

I'm glad you think it's been sorted although she still actually got what she wanted plus the promise of weekends away too

I thought the same, @DontKnow1988, and this after announcing she's going with them rather than asking

However OP seems satisfied with the outcome and that's what matters; I only hope she stays satisfied now MIL's expectation's been set