Should we move?

[Piovereacatinelle]

Sorry for the late post - up late, thinking everything over.

To begin, last year my beautiful daughter passed away age 39 from cancer, her one and only daughter was 8 at the time (now 9). Everyone was of course devastated but we have been grateful to receive a lot of support. I was able to retire and we have been looking after our lovely granddaughter after school every night, usually 3.30 - 6.30. 2/3 nights we will make dinner for our son-in-law so they stay later.

Now son-in-law has for various reasons decided to move away from London to Brighton, he is Swiss so his family are all still there (we are Italian but moved to the UK 25 years ago). He feels that being able to sell the large family home (purchased with the intention of being filled with children) will give his a fresh start he needs, allow him to invest money for his daughter (the life insurance covered the mortgage and school fees until she is 18, but won’t leave anything for after that) so she can purchase a home and travel. He didn’t have anywhere in mind, he is a doctor but predominantly works in private practice and has been offered a job in Brighton. He thinks the seaside will also offer his daughter a lovely childhood.
Not long after putting his house on the market it sold and he has had his offer accepted on a house in Brighton, he intends to move our granddaughter to a new school in the next term.
Now we live in London too, our house is too large for us and expensive to run. We have been discussing a bungalow/ground floor flat for a few years now as it should give us some security as we age. We also live near our son and 2 other grandchildren who are a little older at 10 and 12. Our other daughter has no children and lives in Italy.

For various reasons my husband and I think we should move. Initially we were going to go home to Italy for retirement but now with our granddaughter needing us more than ever it seems better that we too move to Brighton. The seaside would make for a nice retirement. We could get a flat over looking the sea and still have money left to potentially buy a holiday home in Italy that we could use in the school holidays with our granddaughter and as she gets older we would be able to decide if we wanted to stay in Brighton or move home full time.
Being there for our granddaughter and our son-in-law is also important to us, for our granddaughter we think it’s culturally important. Of course her dad speaks to her in French exclusively and before she passed her mum spoke to her in Italian exclusively (they both spoke both languages so they could understand) and of course nursery and school is all English. But now we are the only ones who can speak to her in Italian always (her dad speaks some Italian but isn’t fluent and prefers to speak French in his own home which is understandable). I also feel we have values, customs and culture to pass on.
Also practical support such as school pick up and club runs.

We mentioned to our son who lives locally and he thinks we shouldn’t move. Since moving to England 25 years ago we have only ever lived in London. We would lose out on time with our other grandchildren (they come to ours after school sometimes and lots on the weekend). He also feels that it’s not fair that one person decides to move and everyone’s life gets uprooted but my son doesn’t support the move in general and thinks disrupting granddaughters life more is a negative.

It really has me overthinking, I don’t know what to do? I love London and Brighton seems lovely and ideally nothing would have ever changed but this is the situation we are faced with and I think our granddaughter should be our priority in this instant as she does not have anyone else.

AIBU to think we should move even if it upsets our son?

Im.so sorry that you lost your daughter.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to consider it. However, your son in law has presumably planned this move based on you being in London. Maybe, hard though it is, he wants to have a fresh start. I would have an honest conversation with him before making a decision.

We have discussed this with our son-in-law, he said that he would love to have us move as well but we shouldn’t feel any pressure too and he will ensure that we maintain a good relationship with our granddaughter no matter what.

That's so tricky but I think if I were you I'd stay in London or follow your own life plans of Italy.

You sound lovely and I'm sorry you are in this situation but your son and other grandkids will miss out and your granddaughter has a chance to build a new life with your support during holidays and weekends.

Maybe you could just have a family chat, would everyone come over and talk? Your son in law may want to remove himself slightly to find his feet alone. And your son will be hurt by the move.

Move to Brighton. Your post makes it clear that's what your heart wants to do.

Make a plan with your son to come back and spend the day with his kids evert couple of weekends. Its not that far and you would certainly see less of them if you moved back to Italy.

Your Grandaugher does have someone else, she has a loving Father.

This is so tricky. I can see it from different points of view - there's no obvious right answer. Maybe consider Surrey or somewhere part way between London and Brighton?

If you move do it because you want to.

The age of your other DGC means they could easily get a train from London to Brighton and visit you at weekends independently in a year.

It's such a tough one and I can see why you're torn but make the move you want and don't stay because your ds said to if that's the only reason not to.

Well of course, but our son’s children have him, their mum, their mums parents, aunt and uncles local (mums side) and each other.

My son-in-law works long hours and would have no support near by. He has said he would like us to move so I know that support is still wanted.

Nothing needs to be permanent so try a few things out. You already think your house is too big so rent it out and rent a flat in Brighton. Reevaluate in a year.

I’m not concerned about this being identifying - I haven’t said anything bad or offensive about anyone?

Sorry for your loss

Don’t make a move based on your granddaughter

if you want to move, do it because you want to and to somewhere that works for you, not someone else

i would stick with Italy or London - you will still see your granddaughter

You should move. You want to support and have a strong relationship with your granddaughter and you are her connection to her mother. .

I understand why it bothers your son but you can still have a strong relationship with him and his family

If I were you I would move. I’m so sorry for your loss.

You sound lovely .. whatever you decide your thought and care shows that you will always put family first .. perhaps book a holiday down to Brighton and stay in and air bnb or cottage and see what you think of it ?

Yes agreed. Your granddaughter is the one who needs you the most, she’s lost her mum.

Brighton is close to London, just a short train ride away.

I'm very sorry you lost your daughter @Piovereacatinelle

I know someone in your situation who lost their daughter soon after she had their first grandchild. When their son in law decided he wanted to move, they followed (with his blessing) only for their son-in-law to then decide to move again, further this time, about 4 years later to a place that they couldn't/didn't want to move to - the other side of the country. They had uprooted their whole lives to be there for their grandchild after their daughter died. They have a good relationship with their SIL but are now faced with moving again back to where they were before or staying without a grandchild there, and a massive wave of grief has come back as it feels like yet another loss.

If it were me, especially having seen a friend go through it, I'd probably either do one of three things

1. Rent out your London home and rent a place in Brighton for a year minimum to see if it's really a good move for you. Is it what you expect or are you tagging onto someone else's life? Does your granddaughter need you in the same way? Or have things improved and now they need you only as a grandparent and not caregiving etc. and they are ready for a fresh start - still with you in their lives, but in a way that's more like it would be had they not gone through the loss they have.
2. Keep a small place in London so you can spend time with your other grandchildren and adult DC and not have resentment from them you left for another grandchild, and have a place in Brighton. Maybe a 2 bed place in Brighton so they can visit and a 1 bed in London. Try to be in London a couple long weekends a month to see family etc.
3. Stay in your home for at least a year after they move and see what it's like. Visit, reassure yourself and don't act too hastily.

Your granddaughter is a connection to your daughter so it makes absolute sense you want to be with her and that maybe it feels harder to not be with her than your adult DC and their children. I wonder if you need to be as geographically close to keep that connection, or if maybe with time and reassurance, you have built a solid foundation for your relationship and they can move onto a new chapter with your love and support from London.

Best wishes to you

I understand why you would want to move, and appreciate that your son in law has said he’d be happy for you to move with them. However, how will you feel if he starts moving on, with any possible new relationship? Sometimes these things happen really quickly, and he might not be so happy then for you to have such close involvement in their day to day lives.

Brighton really isn’t that far. I’d stay in London.

In your situation I would move.

You want to downsize anyway, you fancy living by the sea, and it's not like you're moving to the other side of the country - you're within easy reach of the rest of your family.

One thing to consider is ( depending on your age and health) who would look after you if you moved to Brighton and suddenly needed help for some reason. It doesn’t sound as if your son-in-law would have capacity for this or would feel you were his responsibility. Short term the idea of renting in Brighton to see if it would be a good move seems like a good idea.

This may be a grand arrangement, but have you considered, and this will sound harsh, what your position will be if he meets someone else?
Brighton is a cold, winndy boring place with an uncomfortable stone beach, and if you aren't arty/crafty, you are a social pariah ( i may be exaggerating, but it's no London, and certainly not Italy). Would you both be happy there, especially when your GD gets olders, starts making her own friends/social life, and no longer needs you in her life so much.
Appreciate your thoughts on keeping her Italian culture, but this may not appeal to her; you are very much projecting what you want here...
I would not recommend...

I am very sorry for your loss.

You put forward a very strong case as to why you should move. It also sounds as though that is what your heart wants to do. Hopefully your son will eventually see it from your point of view. I mean, if you went back to Italy as planned, you would presumably see him and his kids less than if you move to Brighton.

From your post I would say move to Brighton, your granddaughter is an age where having you around will be great for her and will ease pressure on your son in law. Yes he might meet someone else or decide to move again, but life is full of uncertainty. Get somewhere with space for other family members to stay (for teens a weekend in Brighton will be great). You may want to reevaluate in a few years time, when there is less need for emotional and practical support. Your heart definitely doesn’t sound like it’s in London anymore.

You sound wonderful grandparents.

This is good and right on so many levels.

Your son will surely understand, and London is not at all far away (in my book) and you can still see your other grandchildren a lot in Brighton which they would no doubt love.

I think you should definitely go to Brighton.