Should we move?

[Piovereacatinelle]

Sorry for the late post - up late, thinking everything over.

To begin, last year my beautiful daughter passed away age 39 from cancer, her one and only daughter was 8 at the time (now 9). Everyone was of course devastated but we have been grateful to receive a lot of support. I was able to retire and we have been looking after our lovely granddaughter after school every night, usually 3.30 - 6.30. 2/3 nights we will make dinner for our son-in-law so they stay later.

Now son-in-law has for various reasons decided to move away from London to Brighton, he is Swiss so his family are all still there (we are Italian but moved to the UK 25 years ago). He feels that being able to sell the large family home (purchased with the intention of being filled with children) will give his a fresh start he needs, allow him to invest money for his daughter (the life insurance covered the mortgage and school fees until she is 18, but won’t leave anything for after that) so she can purchase a home and travel. He didn’t have anywhere in mind, he is a doctor but predominantly works in private practice and has been offered a job in Brighton. He thinks the seaside will also offer his daughter a lovely childhood.
Not long after putting his house on the market it sold and he has had his offer accepted on a house in Brighton, he intends to move our granddaughter to a new school in the next term.
Now we live in London too, our house is too large for us and expensive to run. We have been discussing a bungalow/ground floor flat for a few years now as it should give us some security as we age. We also live near our son and 2 other grandchildren who are a little older at 10 and 12. Our other daughter has no children and lives in Italy.

For various reasons my husband and I think we should move. Initially we were going to go home to Italy for retirement but now with our granddaughter needing us more than ever it seems better that we too move to Brighton. The seaside would make for a nice retirement. We could get a flat over looking the sea and still have money left to potentially buy a holiday home in Italy that we could use in the school holidays with our granddaughter and as she gets older we would be able to decide if we wanted to stay in Brighton or move home full time.
Being there for our granddaughter and our son-in-law is also important to us, for our granddaughter we think it’s culturally important. Of course her dad speaks to her in French exclusively and before she passed her mum spoke to her in Italian exclusively (they both spoke both languages so they could understand) and of course nursery and school is all English. But now we are the only ones who can speak to her in Italian always (her dad speaks some Italian but isn’t fluent and prefers to speak French in his own home which is understandable). I also feel we have values, customs and culture to pass on.
Also practical support such as school pick up and club runs.

We mentioned to our son who lives locally and he thinks we shouldn’t move. Since moving to England 25 years ago we have only ever lived in London. We would lose out on time with our other grandchildren (they come to ours after school sometimes and lots on the weekend). He also feels that it’s not fair that one person decides to move and everyone’s life gets uprooted but my son doesn’t support the move in general and thinks disrupting granddaughters life more is a negative.

It really has me overthinking, I don’t know what to do? I love London and Brighton seems lovely and ideally nothing would have ever changed but this is the situation we are faced with and I think our granddaughter should be our priority in this instant as she does not have anyone else.

AIBU to think we should move even if it upsets our son?

You just said yourself she is half Italian and half Swiss?
Her dad keeps her connected to her Swiss routes, we keep her connected to her Italian.
Even if just 50% she is still Italian!

@VestibuleVirgin stop foisting your negative opinion on Brighton it's really not that bad and it's personal choice.

What you haven't answered is what you will do if son-in-law meets somebody, has a child with them and creates a new family setup. Which could happen in months, a year, two years, whenever. Your 'help' may be viewed as intrusion. You may find you are needed less and less.

BTW I'm Irish on my father's side (have passport, dual nationality and everything) and I still say I'm English. Because I was born here. So while your Italian heritage is enormously important to you, it doesn't have to be important to her. It'll be up to her to pursue how far she wants to go with that. Not you.

We will continue to view him as our son-in-law and support him. No matter what he is family and I’m not worried that he will push us out. We have a fantastic relationship. I hope he does find love again.
However that will not damage the relationship we have with our granddaughter. It is in her best interest that she have a supportive family and a connection to her mother.

I’d imagine it is different when one parent is from the country in which you are raised.
We are not English, at home there is no English culture. If granddaughter was asked where is she from she’d say she was born in England but is half Swiss and half Italian.

She attends Italian Saturday School and French Sunday School. We do not speak English at home at all. Granddaughter would say English is her second/third language. She reads French and Italian books alongside English (for school), her iPad is set to Italian (swap it out between French and Italian every few months).
She spends most of the school holidays in Italy or Switzerland, she travels with her Swiss passport mostly, occasionally Italian if going to Italy. She identifies as Swiss-Italian.

I think whether the children of immigrants identify with where they were raised or where their parents are from depends on how they are raised. We are not a British family - so why would she identify with that?

It was tongue-in-cheek. Yes, it's rained each time I have been there. And having been bought up by a sandy beach, a stone beach is an anathema, but I know it is a perfectly pleasant place

She sounds... busy. Maybe DH and her want to slow down a little?

Considering her father is already trying to source all the same activities in Brighton + summer activities. I don’t think so!

Hi OP,

14 years ago my in-laws were in the same situation. My husband past away. He was Norwegian but his parents had moved to the UK in their early 50s, mainly to be near him and his sister.
They settled in the Cotswolds, they didn't want a city life.
When my only daughter was 9 my husband passed away. They immediately sold up and moved in with us. This allowed me space to grieve, I went back to work as I needed the normality, they took my daughter to clubs and she helped with their grief.
2 years later we all moved to Oxford area. I had a job opportunity come up, DD was happy with the idea of moving as she was moving to senior school anyway and they liked the country side.
We got a house for DD and I and they got a bungalow.
Now DD is 23 and while sadly my FIL passed away last year, my MIL is still in the bungalow, DD is back in London and we are all as happy as can be.

I cannot express how grateful I was for their support. Even in the teen years, it was so valuable, it was another face in the crowd at everything DD did, it was someone to share the 6am sports coaching sessions with, it was someone to share the teenage taxi service with. It gave DD security and love.
They didn't care one bit when I started dating again and my FIL gave me away at my wedding (my own dad couldn't travel from Australia) in 2021.

I say If you can - do it, it will mean so much to them and my DD is now fluent in Norwegian and very in touch with that half of herself so I know how important maintaining that culture is.

Move. Your GD needs more people not less. She will have her father BUT she will have a new school, new friends, city, home - so much change and would need support with that.
Also she's a a girl, needing her mum more than ever over the next few years with changing to a teen - you would be a great support.

Your other GC seem to have a whole support system AND both their parents. Your ds is actually very selfish for putting you in this position knowing what that child has been through and knowing how much support she will need.

@Lucilai they sound like absolute treasures.

It's a but harsh on your other grandchildren that you are uprooting everything for one grandchild.