Should we move?

[Piovereacatinelle]

Sorry for the late post - up late, thinking everything over.

To begin, last year my beautiful daughter passed away age 39 from cancer, her one and only daughter was 8 at the time (now 9). Everyone was of course devastated but we have been grateful to receive a lot of support. I was able to retire and we have been looking after our lovely granddaughter after school every night, usually 3.30 - 6.30. 2/3 nights we will make dinner for our son-in-law so they stay later.

Now son-in-law has for various reasons decided to move away from London to Brighton, he is Swiss so his family are all still there (we are Italian but moved to the UK 25 years ago). He feels that being able to sell the large family home (purchased with the intention of being filled with children) will give his a fresh start he needs, allow him to invest money for his daughter (the life insurance covered the mortgage and school fees until she is 18, but won’t leave anything for after that) so she can purchase a home and travel. He didn’t have anywhere in mind, he is a doctor but predominantly works in private practice and has been offered a job in Brighton. He thinks the seaside will also offer his daughter a lovely childhood.
Not long after putting his house on the market it sold and he has had his offer accepted on a house in Brighton, he intends to move our granddaughter to a new school in the next term.
Now we live in London too, our house is too large for us and expensive to run. We have been discussing a bungalow/ground floor flat for a few years now as it should give us some security as we age. We also live near our son and 2 other grandchildren who are a little older at 10 and 12. Our other daughter has no children and lives in Italy.

For various reasons my husband and I think we should move. Initially we were going to go home to Italy for retirement but now with our granddaughter needing us more than ever it seems better that we too move to Brighton. The seaside would make for a nice retirement. We could get a flat over looking the sea and still have money left to potentially buy a holiday home in Italy that we could use in the school holidays with our granddaughter and as she gets older we would be able to decide if we wanted to stay in Brighton or move home full time.
Being there for our granddaughter and our son-in-law is also important to us, for our granddaughter we think it’s culturally important. Of course her dad speaks to her in French exclusively and before she passed her mum spoke to her in Italian exclusively (they both spoke both languages so they could understand) and of course nursery and school is all English. But now we are the only ones who can speak to her in Italian always (her dad speaks some Italian but isn’t fluent and prefers to speak French in his own home which is understandable). I also feel we have values, customs and culture to pass on.
Also practical support such as school pick up and club runs.

We mentioned to our son who lives locally and he thinks we shouldn’t move. Since moving to England 25 years ago we have only ever lived in London. We would lose out on time with our other grandchildren (they come to ours after school sometimes and lots on the weekend). He also feels that it’s not fair that one person decides to move and everyone’s life gets uprooted but my son doesn’t support the move in general and thinks disrupting granddaughters life more is a negative.

It really has me overthinking, I don’t know what to do? I love London and Brighton seems lovely and ideally nothing would have ever changed but this is the situation we are faced with and I think our granddaughter should be our priority in this instant as she does not have anyone else.

AIBU to think we should move even if it upsets our son?

Brighton is a horrid place, why would love it?

For our family culture and language aren’t optional. I’m perfectly fluent in English but never have and never will speaks to my children or grandchildren in English, we only speak Italian.
Once they are adults they can decide how much or how little of the language they use but I see absolutely no negative in being part of your culture.
Granddaughters Swiss family are the exact same, they will only speak to her in French. She never uses English at home it is always French and with us it is always Italian.
We don’t force religion, but being Italian isn’t something she can opt out of, it is who she ethnically is!
My daughter worked so hard to make sure she was fluent in English, French and Italian and I do not want her to lose the ability to speak Italian just as her mum has passed. I don’t know anyone who is upset they speak
an extra language!
Its controversial but our family don’t see issue with forcing children to do things like
engaging with their culture, speaking a certain language in certain environments, going to certain hobbies (in granddaughters case tennis and piano are non negotiable). It’s not for everyone but it’s how our family works.
So really I don’t care if being Italian “doesn’t appeal to her” it’s who she is and that is that!

I am so sorry for your loss. How does your granddaughter feel about her and her dad moving to Brighton? Is she happy and excited by it all? This is a big decision for you and understandably weighing on your mind, but I really don't think you should rush into making a decision right now. Let them go with the understanding that you may or may not one day move too, but try to keep an open mind. First see how things transpire after they have moved. It could be very lovely visiting Brighton at weekends and holidays, and vice versa your granddaughter coming to visit you in London. You could build some amazing memories with these special visits. It is really not far away on the train. Let them go for now, keep an open mind for a while, and see how it acts out. Everyone's feelings may evolve once they have actually made the move. You will always be there for your granddaughter, she knows that, I would say just let the situation evolve a little before jumping to any decision.

I'd wait OP until the decision is clearer. See what the new situation looks like when they move. The impact on DGC, how you feel. There's no rush and if you have doubts about a big decision that's not time sensitive, the best advice is usually to do nothing until the doubts subside. There's no right answer. Both choices are valid and reasonable, so its a heart decision. Wait until you know what you want.

And if your GD decides that she hates tennis or would prefer another hobby to piano? Feel rather sorry for thus girl......

If it was a long lasting dislike her dad would reconsider. If it was fleeting then it would be tough. I know lots of adults who wish their parents had made them stick to hobbies and develop skills. We did this with our children. She can do other hobbies alongside tennis and piano and has at various points done various things, swimming for a while when younger, she’s been doing ballet since she was little by choice.
She has only ever expressed disliking a hobby for a couple of weeks, normally as she had gone up a level and it was a bit harder than normal but we made her persist and she started to love it again. You can’t just quit when you don’t like something in life!

This! Was about to say something similar. Stay in London and visit Brighton every week for an overnight. Make it the same night. Make it every week. I did this to successfully repair a fractured relationship with my mother starting about 10 yrs ago. I know this isnt quite the same however the week rolls round very quickly and the consistency is key. Say you travel down every Thursday pick your lovely girl up from school. Cook dinner together ( in italian!) Hang out. The everyday stuff. That way you provide a fixed point in the week for your SIL and Darling GD. He didn't plan this move expecting you to follow so don't. Don't forget your grandaughter can come to london to see her cousins etc at weekends and holidays and vice versa.
You sound so loving and lovely. You are honouring and remembering your darling daughter so meaningfully by ensuring her daughter stays close to her maternal heritage.
It's lucky that SIL is only going to Brighton not his country of birth. This can be worked with.

If it helps at all, my much-loved GM ended up with one DGC across the Atlantic (through a company move for his father; my cousin is still over there in his 70s) and DB and me in the UK. We were always very close to her and she did quite a lot of care for DB and me (DM was a single parent); At one point we even lived together as she grew older but I don’t think it adversely affected her relationship with
my cousin.

I'd perhaps rent an Airbnb in the off season so perhaps look at October half term. The coast is a much different prospect when it's blowing a gale and horizontal wind in the autumn/winter. You can see if it's somewhere you'd want to live for a few years then. I think your son would come round it's quite easy Brighton to London on the train so you could still visit them often.

In regards to your son, did he know that you were originally planning Italy? Brighton is much closer and he will be able to holiday there with his children during the school holidays so you won't be too far for him.

If I was your SIL or GD I’d be very unhappy with my MIL/GM posting so much of my personal business online……maybe they don’t want the whole of Brighton knowing their life stories before they’ve even unpacked. Just think this through OP.

Wow, that's quite fundamentalist; no choice about language, culture, religion or hobbies...
You will be the children/grandchildren WE want you to be and who fits into a society that makes you do stuff you don't necessarily want to do...

You didn’t read properly - we don’t force religion at all.
It isn’t the point of this post at all so I won’t argue it over and over.
Language and culture are very important to our family. Of course once she is an adult she can engage with as much or as little as she likes and speak whatever language she likes.

I don’t see why wanting your children/grandchildren to speak THEIR language is controversial. Do your children speak to you in a different language?
Ofcourse we - an Italian family - speak Italian at home, why should we have to speak English in our own home when our grandchildren are fluent in Italian? That is absurd!

I didn't say it was controversial. In my 1st post, I simply said she may not want to speak italian
I also asked if you'd considered a number of things related to moving. You have ignored those questions, misinterpreted what i said about language, and merely accused me of something else.
Unless she was born in italy, she is english, so your point about children speaking THEIR language is disingenuous

Off topic a little, but my Nan was from Austria and moved here during WW2. She wasn't allowed to speak German, and it's something my Dad always regrets, that he isn't fluent in German. So it's great if your Granddaughter can speak both French and Italian. It will open so many more doors in life. English people are bad at generally only speaking English, whereas lots of Europeans can speak 2 languages.

We will agree to disagree.
She has Italian and Swiss passports (along with British), but no British parents.
Her nationality is all 3, her ethnicity is Italian and Swiss. She will have been raised in England and only by that is she English.

I’m going to assume you still live in the same country that you were born in, but for a lot of immigrants (most we know) maintaining strong connections to language/culture are of high importance, for them and their children.

Much like your language is I imagine English - so your children have to speak English to you regardless of if they want to or not. Ours is Italian.

If your Son in law has said he would like you to move and continue supporting your grand daughter then do it.
Could you rent out your London home and rent a place in Brighton. That way if he moves to Switzerland or elsewhere in the near future you can still live in London.
If you move I'd plan on going up to London very often to see the other grandchildren and get them all together for a day.

I can’t really understand your son-in-laws decision. I mean to move him and your grandchild away from everything she knows and his support, especially when he presumably will be working long hours. Who will be doing the school pick ups to replace what you were doing? Does he have any family support in Brighton?

It sounds a bit miserable for her to be honest.

I wouldn’t move because what if SIL takes off somewhere else? Are you going to keep moving?

If there is no other family support for her there then I think he is being totally selfish.

Cold windy boring place? Have you been to Brighton? For 1, it’s the sunniest city in the U.K., 2. I’ve heard it described as many things, but boring never.

I can't believe how harsh some people are being to you OP - they're clearly forgetting that your daughter has died!

If your original plan was to retire back to Italy, then your London based son would not have had you close by anyway. If you think you'll be happy in Brighton then go with your heart and help your SIL and GD out. Even as a private Doctor I'm sure his hours won't all fit in with childcare and he will need your help for a few years at least. The speaking Italian to GD is less of an issue in the moving debate as far as I'm concerned. You could facetime every day and still speak in Italian to her.

But if you decide to move then you obviously need to explain your decision making fully to your son and set out a plan on how you will maintain regular contact with your London based GCs.

I have asked him.
He and my daughter were looking at moving before she passed. Granddaughter is excited about living by the sea and they have been to Brighton quite often.
He only moved to London to be with my daughter, he said that he feels haunted and even a year on it’s not eased at all. He feels like he can’t begin to focus on what life will look like without my daughter while he feels she is everywhere around him. I understand this and feel the same to an extent.
Granddaughter is at a prep school but will move to an all through school so it’s no extra school moving than she’d normally have, just moved forward a little.
Then his house sold for 750k more than the house he has purchased so that can be invested and means when the time comes for granddaughter to want to buy there will be money and money to cover university and travel.
I think he has his daughter’s best interests at heart. He could utilise wrap around care or a child minder if needed.

I think you should go to Brighton, but perhaps be a little more honest with yourselves about why you want to go.

Does your granddaughter really “need you more than ever”? I think that if your son in law really felt that he couldn’t manage, he would never have considered the move.

Is this not simple a case of you loving your granddaughter, and wanting to continue being a part of her life? You are still grieving your daughter, it’s totally understandable that you want to be close to your granddaughter and don’t want to ‘lose’ her as a daily presence in your life, as well.

By all means go, but please be honest that you are doing this not because son in law can’t manage or needs you for childcare, but because you love her and want to contribute to her upbringing. And that’s a perfectly good reason on its own.

I'd tell your son he doesn't get a vote on where YOU spend the next part of your life.

It's sounds like you should follow your heart.
A move to Brighton and a holiday place in Italy that your son and grandkids could use sounds like a good option.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Do as your heart is telling you.

I have been a few times, each time hoping it would get better.
It didn't!