Visitors inviting themselves after major surgery

[Reeceseggaddict]

My DH of a couple of years is long term friends with a couple who live 2 hours away. I get on ok with them but they are his friends as I have no contact with them between meet ups. We socialize at each others house a couple of times a year max. I’ve just had major surgery a week ago and feel crap with a wound infection and I hear the husband has said they are coming over this week to show us their new car. Initially I thought it was the husband just not thinking so I told my DH that I’d message the wife and ask them to postpone it and explained that I was still on a lot of bed rest especially since the infection and she was a bit off with me / dismissive.
They weren’t invited. Although usually that’s not an issue and it’s how we both roll - will ask the others if they are up for a visit but this time they decided to invite themselves and AIBU to think they should have common sense to at least ask if I’m well enough? If I hadn’t overheard the conversation, they’d just have appeared! My DH is a people pleaser and doesn’t like to say no to people!

The problem here lies with your husband.

"Sorry, not a good time. Janet's still recovering".

The end 🤷‍♂️

Sorry you’re unwell. YAB a bit U here. They proposed a visit, quite likely not understanding how rough you are feeling. You postpone and the visit is off.

It’s not worth even thinking about. I can imagine a scenario where they possibly text your DH and even if you are mentioned he likely said something like, ‘she’s doing ok,’ and he doesn’t disagree with the plan.

So unfortunately if anyone needs blame for this non situation it’s him.

DH problem. “Reece is still recovering, so let’s put it off for a week or two.”

This this this...

You have a husband problem not a friends problem.

And I agree with @MatildaTheCat in that it is a non situation.

Wishing you a speedy recovery OP

So you've cancelled their visit, all sorted!

So dh is a people pleaser but doesn’t care about pleasing/caring for his wife? That’s such a bs excuse.

It was a non situation til I messaged her and got a snarky response back. My DH did not think - and he apologized and and admitted that. I just didn’t expect the response back and feel like saying I don’t particularly care if you visit or not at any time.

This is a good point OP.

Why are you not one of the people he wants to please?

He said he didn’t really think when they said it.. but my issue is with the wife’s response to me when I said can we leave it as I’m not well.

YOU shouldn't have had to message her.

Your DH fucked up, it was down to him to put it right.

What did she actually say?

I had a similar thing when I was very unwell with mastitis not long after having my first baby. I was throwing up and had chills and my (now ex) partner invited his friends over to meet the baby! He just didn’t think and so I stayed upstairs in bed the whole time!
sometimes they just don’t think.

Meh, so she sounded a bit off.

You've just had major surgery and you're feeling crap with an infected wound.

This is what I would be focusing on if I were married to your husband.

Not sure why you're giving her way more thought.

What? How do these grown adults hold down a job when their brains are so unable to do basic thinking? Maybe they should bloody think. God, the standard for a life partner is depressingly low on here.

He was out and I decided to do it. When I say he’s a people pleaser, he’s not wet. He just likes to answer calls when they ring even if we are out - but he totally apologised to me for not thinking. Maybe I should leave him - it was the woman’s snarky response to me that pissed me off

What was her response?

Also what did you say to her in the text?

So much gets lost in the rewritten word and it's easy to read more into what someone meant than they did.

Your DH fucked up and let you be the bad guy here. She probably didn't realise her husband's daft arrangements and the fact that you texted her made her feel put out and now thinks you just don't like HER.

Why didn't you text him instead of her? It gets my back up when my DH makes social arrangements and the wives then take over and start messaging me instead. If DH arranges something, he can take care of the details.

You're absolutely determined to blame the woman here, aren't you?

Why is that? 🤔

Would be quite outing to say exactly but it was very dismissive and inferring I’m not that unwell..

This. Hard to say whether she was really being snarky or whether your pain and discomfort is causing you to be less tolerant than you normally would be, without knowing what she actually said.

Can your dh step in, apologise for messing them around and emphasise you’re recovering from surgery and you are both quite hurt by the comment.

Your dh caused this issue. He should have cancelled. Doesn't matter that he was out.

You don't want to blame him. Understandable.

Jeez she was the one who replied to my message inferring that I couldn’t be that unwell. Tell you what I’ll leave my DH instead 😂 Would you ever invite yourself to someone’s home when they just got out of hospital for major surgery and then be snarky when they say they aren’t well ?

Then that is out of order