Visitors inviting themselves after major surgery

[Reeceseggaddict]

My DH of a couple of years is long term friends with a couple who live 2 hours away. I get on ok with them but they are his friends as I have no contact with them between meet ups. We socialize at each others house a couple of times a year max. I’ve just had major surgery a week ago and feel crap with a wound infection and I hear the husband has said they are coming over this week to show us their new car. Initially I thought it was the husband just not thinking so I told my DH that I’d message the wife and ask them to postpone it and explained that I was still on a lot of bed rest especially since the infection and she was a bit off with me / dismissive.
They weren’t invited. Although usually that’s not an issue and it’s how we both roll - will ask the others if they are up for a visit but this time they decided to invite themselves and AIBU to think they should have common sense to at least ask if I’m well enough? If I hadn’t overheard the conversation, they’d just have appeared! My DH is a people pleaser and doesn’t like to say no to people!

Yep, happy to agree that there was no need for a snarky response, but equally you shouldn't have got involved, and especially if it was the men who made the plan, you shouldn't have involved her. I've read what you've said about your reasoning, but as you said, they aren't your friends, they are people you know. Yet you messaged HER not him as if part of a sisterhood. Perhaps she felt she had to be defensive? Perhaps behind closed doors she's pissed off at her DH for suggesting it?

The OP's husband wanted to see the new car.

Some people just like cars. It's not always about showing off.

Cut yourself some slack.

Your DH was an unthinking child "oooh shiny new brum brum' and can be told so.

She, however, was rude. Quite nasty too if she knows what you had done and chose to denigrate you anyway.

So... suitably chastised DH can contact them and say that, on balance, they were wrong to ask, he was wrong to agree and she was downright rude.

They can work out details for another playdate when it's more convenient.

But don't you dare apologise or feel that you have been unreasonable. Rest well, get better and sod 'em all 😊

I also think it's weird to drive around the place to show people your new car. They must be very boring people.

I agree its very much 'Keeping up with the Joneses' for adults to do a 4hr round trip to show off a new car!!! 🙄

DH- is your DH a car enthusiast?

Reasons why she may have responded as she did:

1. Maybe she thought you can’t have been that unwell because your own husband forgot you’re unwell in his excitement to see the new car? Sorry, but you can’t be off with her if you’re not off with your DH on this.
2. Your DH did mess them around by saying “yes” and you then saying no. You don’t know what plans they have made in the interim.
3. Maybe you misinterpreted the situation by thinking it was appropriate for you to rescind your DH’s offer to her husband and she was annoyed at being treated like her husband’s PA.

You may be over-sensitive because you’re unwell. Get well soon.

The woman sounds like a total bitch and I’d be suggesting dh goes out with the man alone.

If the OP's DH and his friends are 'boring' just because they're into cars, wouldn't that make everyone boring just because they have an interest in something you don't?

*Go read the post. I’m pissed off about her response to me asking them to delay. I’ve had major surgery for suspected gynae cancer and she’s sent me a snarky message inferring that I’m not that unwell.. how is that my DH fault?

The comments about leaving my husband are tongue in cheek - mumsnet is notorious for everyone saying LTB.. it was a dig at that - I have no intention of leaving him!

not sure how I’m hard work when I simply asked them with 5 notice to delay their visit?*

I did read the post thanks. And whilst I can understand you being pissed off at the wife's snarky message, there were two other people before her that fucked up! One being her husband and the second one being yours! Why aren't you as cross with them?
Like I said, you're unwell (I hope you're on the mend soon) but this was for your DH to sort with his friend, as he got you into this situation in the first place.
Oh and I realised it was tongue in cheek. Just thought it was weird to jump to repeatedly saying you'd need to leave him.
Bizarre thread

If you don't even like them why don't you stay in bed and let dh meet up with them by himself? If they are his friends why do you need to tag along every time? Presumably he wants to see their new car, not you, so why don't you just let them get on with it?

They can meet at a pub, look at the car, have a couple of drinks and then everyone goes home.
Non drama?

@Reeceseggaddict

OP I think you're better off using reserving your mental and physical strength by withdrawing from this thread (my opinion only - you are, obviously, free to do as you choose). I'm sure there are other more positive things you'd prefer to do on this lovely torrential day. 🌹

I was about to post the same. Messaging is notoriously difficult when it comes to interpreting the tone in which it was written. She might have misunderstood you or you might have misunderstood her tone @Reeceseggaddict

As many others have said, your DH is going to need to step up and say no. When you told him you weren't up to visitors it was his job to cancel the plans he'd made with his friends, not yours.

Everything seems to have fallen on your shoulders despite the fact that you're ill - I'd be having stern words and telling my DH that he needs to learn how to say no.

they are coming over this week to show us their new car

Also, I know this isn't the point but WTF? Who does this? Is going to someone's house to show them a car considered normal behaviour now? Bonkers.

the husband has said they are coming over this week to show us their new car.

OMG do grown men really show off their new toys like that 😳

I wouldn't necessarily expect them to check you're up to a visit because people can be a bit clueless about recovery after surgery, but they shouldn't be off with you for saying no

Also, I know this isn't the point but WTF? Who does this? Is going to someone's house to show them a car considered normal behaviour now? Bonkers.

People who are interested in cars do this.

Why is it hard to understand that the OP's DH wanted to see his friend's new car?

I mean it's not my cup of tea but I understand different people have different interests in life.

My DH didn’t think.

OP, when they come over, who gets the house, food and drinks ready etc?

Is it a joint effort? Would DH have done all this himself or do you usually do it?

I'd tell the snarky bitch to get to fuck personally.

Whatever minor mistakes the OP and her DH may have made, they utterly pale into insignificance compared to friend telling @Reeceseggaddict – who has just had an operation which might lead to a cancer diagnosis – that she doesn't believe OP is that ill.

Jesus fucking Christ, who says that? I wouldn't want to socialise with a twat like that at all, let alone when I was still recovering.

Your issue is your husband.

You literally said yourself that “it’s how you both roll” inviting yourself to each others and if it’s not a good time you just say.

So the friends have just done what they always do and offered a visit. Your problem is your husband, not the friends.

He should have not been thoughtless about your recent surgery and he also should have been the one to cancel. Not you.

Unfortunately as your husband originally said it was ok, the other couple probably think you’re fine, as if you were really unwell, they assumed your husband would have said on the call.

So your separate message after to the woman was construed as an excuse/fob off, hence the snarky response.

Its an unfortunate misunderstanding. Hope you recover soon.

Not one single person has said you have to leave even or even that you should think about it.

This.

May be you can swap photos - they can send some of their new car and you can be suitably impressed and make the right noises.

You can send pictures of your wound and she can act in a more empathetic manner!

(Or perhaps not the latter part.)

Some want to show off their goods, lifestyles etc.

Some don’t want to talk health matters/illness/cancer. If you don’t talk it doesn’t exist - a perfectly curated instagrammed world.

I suspect she has both these character traits. Lucky her!

When my DW had cancer most of our friends were 100% fine and supportive. One of two avoided us, to the extent of deliberately crossing the road to avoid my DW.

Hope your infection clears up and you get good news.

How very rude of her to answer like that! I think that says a lot about her as a person…. You’ve asked to reschedule as you are recovering from surgery. She should have said I’m so sorry of course do hope all went well is there anything we can do… but no, she implies you can’t be that unwell…
I would not forget that…..

I would ask DH to ring the husband and say that you are recovering from surgery that it was a major operation and you are not up to visitors. And that you had been rather upset that xx seemed to suggest you weren’t that unwell….

Personally, I would struggle to get past that comment and would see them in a new light.

Good luck with your recovery OP hope all is well.

It is pretty relevant, how they brought up a visit, how your DH responded, what you messaged the DW and what she said back.

If they've made a general suggestion 'hey we got a new car, shall we come over X weekend to let you have a nosey at it?'... thats not really 'inviting yourself' thats suggesting something, to which your DH has agreed.

So depending on your wording, the DW might have felt your message was quite rude and responded accordingly.

We can't possibly know unless you reveal exactly what was said.

I don't really understand the situation.

If my OH's friends were coming over to show them their car I'd be leaving them to it, especially if I was ill and resting in bed. They don't need to come in the house, they can drive off and have some food somewhere, go for a walk, go to the pub for a quick one etc.

I wouldn't tell my OH who of his friends he could or couldn't see, and I wouldn't be texting them myself to cancel. If I was the OH I'd be making plans that made sense for everybody in the situation in the first place. Doesn't require a "No," just a "Just so you know, this would work better..."