Messy people always get their way

[Wellthatsit]

If you're a tidy person living with messy people, you never get to live in the environment you want, because the messy people always mess it up.

AIBU to feel this is unfair?

It is, especially if it's adults in the house.
However, children is a different story.😁

Are you me? I could have wrote your post word for word. I get incredibly overwhelmed with keeping my own home tidy although I used to manage fine years ago when my dc were very young. I'm blaming peri menopause! I regularly clean for an elderly relative which I manage to do perfectly well. No idea why I can't manage in my own home
mind you I'm blaming to much clutter.

@oObyeOo Same, when my kids were tiny. Brought a sippy cup in the sitting room instead of drinking in the kitchen. They don't know the rules, ffs, they don't live there! I never went back to 'friend's' house either.

You're right. It is frustrating to be a tidy person stuck with a messy person.

My husband is a tidy as you go type and I get carried away with what I'm doing so often and end up with my craft stuff everywhere. It drives him potty but he helps me tidy it up, probably through gritted teeth tbh.

I get it, I do. Messy disorganisation must make you want to kick them up the arse.

I grew up with a single mother who was extremely messy, disorganised, didn't really clean often (my grandparents would do it as they didn't like seeing it messy when they visited), piles of clean washing on the sofa that she just never sorted and we would hunt down clothes from the pile, and so-on. It has affected me massively into adulthood and I have huge anxiety around any kind of mess now.

Depending on the kind of mess, this can have a big impact on any children growing up in it.

I had a similar situation years ago. I moved in with a friend and we agreed we would keep the shared spaces clean - that didn’t happen and it was me constantly cleaning the bathroom, emptying the kitchen sink of her food waste and re-wash pots. I had to remind her to take out the bins etc.

When it came to renewing the tenancy I had to sit down with her and tell her I couldn’t live like this anymore and that if I was to do another year she would need to put more effort in and we’d also get a cleaner.

I’m not a naturally tidy person but it really got me down living that way. Pleased to say that things improved.

This sounds incredibly selfish. Everybody should play there part in keeping the household functioning for all including chipping in doing the jobs you don't like sometimes, that's fair.
What do you do at home then that hubby doesn't like?

Sometimes you have no choice, such as when you're allocated student accommodation when you start at Uni, or when housing is in such short supply you have to go into a house share because that's all which is available at your price point.

That's my logic. "A place for everything and everything in it's place". It's not from an obsession of being tidy, it's just practical and saves so much wasted time in looking for things and things getting damaged/broken by being left somewhere stupid. Luckily OH is on the same page (well, to be honest, he'd never have become my OH if he wasn't), so at any given time, we both know exactly where everything will be in the house, whether it's a roll of sellotape, a pair of pliers, my bikini, or his reading glasses. It's just pure habit and takes just a few seconds to put things back where they belong once you've used them, so that they're there for the next time you need them.

I’ve been messy all my life, despite being brought up by a mum who was anal about tidiness and cleanliness. I was doing chores from 6 or 7 upwards so I understand how to clean but I honestly can’t help being messy.
Definitely some undiagnosed neurodiversity with me but I also carry far more of the load both financially and organisationally and also have done in other areas of my life.
it’s not laziness.
However it works both ways, I have stayed with v tidy friends who have several ‘living areas’ (so not reliant on the settee I have slept on for example) and have come back from a shower to discover my jewellery/clothes all tided up. I always ensure that I am tidy in these areas but it feels very invasive and like I’ve not even had the chance to tidy up and leave the space as I found it, which I always try hard to do.
I am super organised but very messy and I find being tidy exceptionally difficult, in the same way that some people can’t deal with finances for example. I am very good with money.
I do feel that in a house share, one should be able to use their own space as they please but should have more consideration in shared spaces. I also feel that if you are the only tidy person in a house you need to be a bit more flexible and forgiving as it’s clearly only bothering you. Or come to a compromise.

But if everything has a spot in a logical place you never have to look for things? They are always in the exact same spot.

my logic must not be like your logic then.

YANBU it sucks! It's simple really, they are selfish and can't be bothered because somebody else is gonna do it - YOU!
You need to sit them down and tell them how much it is weighing on you and that you need them to start tidying up after themselves and take a more active role in the functioning of the household that you ALL share.
Agree on an area of the household each is responsible for tidying/cleaning 1 X a week and rotate so nobody is solely responsible for one area. Get them to understand that they live there and its not just down to you to maintain order! They probably don't even realise how messy it gets but once they understand how much it bothers you they should, out of love, change their behaviours.
As for leaving because of messiness as some PP have said, only you know if this is a deal breaker, a shared life is better than solitude and when its time to finally close your eyes I doubt you will wish you had a tidier home! But rather reflect on the life you created in it.
Albeit life lived in a functioning orderly home brings calm and love covers a multitude of sins! Perspective is definitely needed in these situations.

Ive come to realise that some people are just genuinely happy to live like slobs, they can't be arsed about washing up, clearing up after themselves, putting things away, they need to see everything out at all times otherwise its out of mind, funny how they can never find anything though.. every space has to be filled or occupied by something - doesn't matter what - averse to empty spaces, most are hoarders or become so in old age when the energy goes, learn to live with the embarrassment of messiness because most people are polite and willing to overlook mess if they like a person and visiting them for just a few hours. Its the spouse/people they live with that suffer, resentment builds and Its often a source of much arguments. The house becomes a home for objects not people. Sad.

For years I gave up (tidy one here), now I nag. Dc recently started dating someone that would spend 3-4 days cleaning all day before guests came or a holiday was coming up. This person recently told me they couldn’t wait to get away from their house and parents, it was always untidy and always cast a shadow on everything. So now I nag and if dh and dc hate it, tough shit.

That’s precisely my point…being “tidy”
in this instance causes no end of problems.

Unfortunately, they may actually be making the perfect choice in their own eyes. Live-in maid, and no payroll to meet.

I agree with pp it’s a lack of respect and consideration for others. I’m actually quite messy and my room was always a bit chaotic but I made such an effort in communal areas when flatsharing as I didn’t want to inflict my messiness on others. So I’d get really bothered when others just didn’t even make an effort at all.

As far as tidy people should make better choices well it depends on the circumstances! When I viewed a house the tenants would always clean things up and put on a pretence of a clean tidy house. No-one ever warned me that they were going to be messy and gross in communal areas.

There’s an expectation of tidiness also when you live in a flatshare because it’s common sense that strangers shouldn’t have to put up with your mess AND it’s often in contracts about the house should be kept in good condition - clutter and mess everywhere doesn’t exactly help achieve that.

My last flatmate was a friend I stayed with for a month as there was a delay with the flat I was moving into. She made an effort the first day I moved on as she’d cleaned the kitchen and the bedroom I was meant to move into (a bit!) However within days it became so messy again. I’m talking dirty dishes and dirty water with food particles floating in the sink for days on end, spills and food debris over the worktop area left for days, cooking stuff left out all over grimy hob. Dirty bin cupboard, piles of recycling stuff building up and lying over the floor…Super dirty microwave, sticky dirty floor, sticky dirty couch/table etc. I ended up being unable to cook as her stuff was everywhere and I’d have to spend about half an hour cleaning before I even started cooking. I couldn’t find a clean spot on the living room to sit down so I’d order takeaways and just eat in my bedroom. I put on half a stone living with her for a month!

I’m sure when some people talk about mess maybe they are talking about much more minor things, but that’s not me. I can tolerate a few breakfast dishes left in the sink or a cup left out etc or books left on the coffee table - when I’m talking about mess I’m referring to the above! I could never date someone like this.

I have an IL who boasts about their tidiness. Most of my family is comfortable with a bit of mess.

I was at her house one day eating a banana. I’d eaten half, put it down on my plate on the bench and turned around to assist my DC with something. Turned back around and she’d put the half banana in the bin and my plate in the dishwasher. ‘I thought you were finished’. No you didn’t, you have some kind of anxiety disorder where you literally cannot sit down ever and instead of addressing it as a problem you’ve decided it makes you superior because you can’t stand clutter. When people are eating their plates are not clutter!

Insanely tidy people are really uncomfortable to spend time with IMO.

I could have written this!

My house is an absolute shitehole.... too much clutter/stuff, and the day to day tasks overwhelm me too.

But, my DP has just moved into a new place, and I am insisting on going round to clean twice a week. Why??? lol it is daft, as I can't clean my own place.

I relate to this so much, I’m dyspraxic and really struggle to keep on top of being organised but I just couldn’t imagine disrespecting others like that so I kept on top of things in communal areas. Frustratingly the other flatmates did the opposite - they had clean and tidy bedrooms but didn’t bother keeping the communal areas clean.

I used to take the bin out nearly every single week in one flat I shared with a female housemate . And one week I decided to leave it and see what happened. Eventually the girl took the bin bag out and placed it outside the front door in our flat building. Then she had the nerve to ask me if I could take it out to the bins outside when I left for work 😵‍💫I had the same with a male housemate too. He would even have all his mates and girlfriend around then leave bins overflowing , then go off for the weekend 😣

I feel like it's the opposite! I lived with a man who had higher standards in some areas and it had to be done his way. Real nightmare.

The tidier person is usually bossier too.

Untidy people tend not to do it deliberately. Everyone isn't created equally. I'm sure there are things about you that the person you are living with would prefer was different. But a relationship is about compromise. If you can't compromise then your only option is move on.

I watched Stacey Solemon Sort your house out last night , I just love that kind of TV show , I love watching chaos turn into order, I think it shows we really have so much stuff. I dread to think how much money I have spent on cloths and stuff over the years.

This was the case when I lived with my family, such as being he only one to clean the toilets, and get moaned at for not cleaning enough.

I would always clean my plate, but there wouldn't ever be a clean plate for me to use when I wanted to put my food on a dish, the dining table was always messy, so would always have to sit on the sofa to eat.

I told them I wanted my own cupboard, bought myself new plates and cups and this sorted this issue. Bought myself a pull out dining table.

There are ways around it sometimes

That's why I (as the very untidy messy person) have made the effort to be tidier, for my husband. I still leave the scissors out rather than put them away immediately but I now put them away at the end of the day rather than in 3 weeks time which is what I'd have done previously.