Messy people always get their way

[Wellthatsit]

If you're a tidy person living with messy people, you never get to live in the environment you want, because the messy people always mess it up.

AIBU to feel this is unfair?

I haven't read the whole thread so someone may have already said this but also people who are alway late get their way too.

I agree with this…but I think mine is more specific as I’m on the “ tidy” end of spectrum

i remember a very specific point in my early teens when I dropped something on floor in my own bedroom. The day before I’d have left it. That day a very clear internal “ voice” said pick it up. I did. That internal voice of conscientiousness has been stalking me ever since (. 45 plus years). It is frankly a bloody pain. I’d love to be someone laid back about mess. But I’m not…that little internal check goes on and on

so there we go…it may be there’s a split between the move on people you say…but I think there’s also the internal dialogue factors that come into play

You should see my utility room…I am full on 5s 🤣🤣🤣🤣 look it up if you don’t know.
I blame my employer who installed these principles into employers ( manufacturing sector)

the reason manufacturers are keen on 5s is the sheer amount of non value add time ( lost capacity and money) spent by operators, engineers etc looking for tools, materials etc they can’t find. You do maths of each minute wasted, over sum of workforce, over 24/7 shifts and you’re talking days

its not unreasonable to feel pissed when others waste your time.

I grew up in a house of extreme, overwhelming and exhausting perfection.

Me too.

Interestingly there was competitive tidying going on between my relatives that my cousins were recently speaking about. Their Mom’s found my mother’s perfectionism very intimidating. But actually the perfectionism hid a lot of the crimes that were going on under the surface very well.

I like living in clean and a small bit messy but like actual humans live in the building.

And cos I’m really really sad well that it I’ll share images of shadow boards (5s technique) that are game changer for putting stuff down randomly, just cos images make me happy 😉😱🙄🤦‍♀️

and yes, I’ve done it in my utility 🤣🤣🤣

🤣

Not with me they don't.

@Dartwarbler i would love to see photos of your utility room! I do like a good bit of organisation 😎

Too identifying … a family joke 🤣

A long-ago DP had, I think, been brought up in fairly chaotic conditions and just wasn't good at sorting stuff out. When he was in my flat (we never lived together, we'd have killed each other) he used to say things like "I just can't believe that the iron is always in exactly the same place! It's brilliant!"

I have this exact same issue and I too don’t expect perfection, I just want to be able to function.

I’m not naturally tidy, I’ve just come to realise that tidiness makes my life easy. I’m not overly tidy or obsessive, my house is probably messier than most, but I like to be able to find things so I have worked to create logical spaces to keep things. Unfortunately my dh and dc don’t appreciate or understand this so as well as leaving their own crap strewn across the house, they have the bloody annoying habit of using (and not putting back) my keys/hairbrush/tweezers/wrapping kit etc. It’s infuriating and actually quite upsetting that I can never find things where they should be when I’m constantly making the effort to put them back where they belong. I love them all but feel a bit of understanding about how much this upsets me wouldn’t go amiss. Dh and ds do try and at least apologise but dd is a different story.

Dd had a complete meltdown last night when I asked her to put one small item away in her own room. Honestly one of about 20 items from around the house (I’m trying to start small). Dd has exclusive use of 3 rooms in the house that can be as messy as she likes, I don’t care as I can close the door. But she still insists on keeping her things in every other room, including her toothbrush in the hallway (so it doesn’t get loo germs on it), various toys in the living room, books, notes and miscellaneous crap all over the place, jackets/jumpers wherever she takes them off and her craft stuff on my wfh desk (she has two desks that are hers but prefers to use mine, probably because hers are full of clutter). She has no understanding or empathy for how difficult I find living in mess but I’m expected to be extremely understanding of her need to have her stuff in every room. I’m also expected to bloody well pull items out of a hat for her on the regular occasions that the can’t remember where she left them (easy enough to do actually as I’ve usually been staring at them wherever they are strewn for weeks wondering if she’ll be upset if I try and sneak them in her rooms). I do worry that there is an underlying reason for this that perhaps we should have investigated as her reactions seem excessive but any mention of this causes another meltdown as it’s apparently my fault as I’m fixated on mess and can’t leave things alone (honestly not the case). Whatever the reason I understand that she likes having her things around her and seems to have a genuine aversion to putting things away or getting rid of things, but I think she has enough space of her own to be messy in whereas I don’t seem to have a single area in the house that is tidy to retreat to (my bedroom isn’t bad aside from dh’s bedside ‘pile’) but I do have to share that with dh. The older dd gets the more resentment I feel about her mess. I find it so difficult to live like this.

We are all a bit messy in this house (definitely 'put the scissors down' people) but we all enjoy living in a tidy, organised house. What fucks me off is that I am the only one prepared to put in any effort in order to achieve this.

I am planning to leave my "D"H for a number of reasons but one is particularly relevant to this thread. I have been instituting a number of changes in the past few months to try to help our DC, who are getting older, learn to look after their things and show respect for their home. To be clear, we are not an excessively tidy house and I am ok with toys all over the floor during the day, the occasional paint splatter on the floor/walls and games being left out until they've finished being played. I do not insist that one toy is put away before another is finished or anything like that.

But last weekend, we reached bombsite level, rather than just untidy. All the coats pulled off the coat rack, all the shoes from the shoe rack strewn everywhere, the cushions pulled off the sofa and the train set and duplo turned out into the middle of the floor. Various pens and crayons rolling around on the floor being stood on. I could see three shoes (none a pair) of my husband's in the middle of the floor and he'd left a plate and mug on the floor where the DC could crash into them, as well as a saucepan and frying pan clogging up the sink from the night before and crumbs and spills all over the kitchen surface. His used gym kit had been thrown on the kitchen floor.

I told the DC that it was "tidy time" for 15 minutes and we were all going to spend 15 minutes (measured by a timer) putting things away and making the place nice for us again. The children jumped up to help and picked tasks to do - putting the duplo away, hanging up the coats, returning the shoes to the shoe rack - but when I asked "D"H to spend that time cleaning up the mess in the kitchen, he moaned that he'd had a hard week at work and couldn't be arsed. Even when the kids commented on how "lazy" daddy was, he didn't help.

@SchoolQuestionnaire But she still insists on keeping her things in every other room, including her toothbrush in the hallway (so it doesn’t get loo germs on it), various toys in the living room, books, notes and miscellaneous crap all over the place, jackets/jumpers wherever she takes them off and her craft stuff on my wfh desk (she has two desks that are hers but prefers to use mine, probably because hers are full of clutter).

She cannot 'insist'. If she has 3 rooms at her disposal for some reason then all of her items should be in there. Once a day I would pick up everything she leaves in other rooms and put them in her rooms. Including her toothbrush. Up to her if she puts them away or not. I would also stop her using my desk.

I suppose she can’t insist but she can have an absolute meltdown over me moving her things. I do think there is some sort of issue somewhere as she actually can’t seem to cope. I’d be more understanding if she’d allow us to seek some sort of help for her but she won’t. Dh and ds don’t care and would rather I am quietly upset than dd having a tantrum so she sees it as a me problem. It’s very difficult.

I'm.messy and would struggle to live with someone tidy- would definitely be a consideration if I were to consider cohabiting

I need to have my own area where I can create as much mess as necessary without annoying the tidy person. I would never want someone to tidy up after me. I'm big on kitchen tidying and keeping shower, WC etc clean, but I create a lot of debris so need to stay in one place else there will be crumbs, smoking stuff, glasses, cups all over the house! The dustbuster has been a great addition to our household.

This was how I felt the last time I lived with a housemate and moved out in my own

I have ADHD but I also have respect for others.

When I lived in house shares my room was chaos but shared spaces were left clean and tidy. My other housemate didn’t feel the same however. Never took out the bins unless it was mentioned, ‘washed’ dishes leaving food still stuck to them, left puddles on the countertops and bathroom floor.

So I eventually moved out on my own. It’s unfair that other people think they can just leave a shared space in an unpleasant state.

I have ADHD and I'm medicated. I also have OCD and I'm medicated.

I have worked very hard to be organized and minimalist. I think if you have ADHD being organized is even more important.

I found a lot of mentors on YouTube to watch and inspire me years ago. I'm much more mentally well in a clean space.

I have ADHD (no medication) and depression (medicated). You know when I'm really unwell and depressed as my house is then spotless! For me it's like when I lose control over aspects of my life, I focus on cleaning as that's something I can control. When I'm well and happy, I don't need that. I'm much more willing to let things slide. So it's actually a good sign for me mentally if my house is a little messy.

I wouldn't even "blame" the ADHD because I don't think there's actually anything wrong in a house being "lived in". I am no happier or unhappier for my house being spotless as opposed to not.

If your house is to tidy then as a guest I would be scared to drop a biscuit crumb,my aunty pat was like this ,I was about 7/8/9 yrs old having toast and marmalade could hardly get my head to the table my hands would stretch and every time I left crumbs she was wiping bearing in mind I had to get through six triangles of toast with no bolster to let me see the toast in front of me crumbs made she wiped more crumbs she was wiping still wiping after more or less every mouthful she told my mum my table manners were bad my mum called her a snob it was first time I had ever heard word snob

I'd have married him in a heart beat 😁

YANBU!

Its this kind of stuff that actually makes or breaks a relationship in the end. And it's hard to find someone who is close enough to the same as you for it to work and you both to be happy and comfortable.
My ex, he was messy, and also disrespectful. I always thought I was super tidy.
But now I don't live with him I know I'm actually not. The pots from my tea are sitting on the bench, I'll tidy up in the next hour or so. I wouldn't want someone huffing at me that I hadn't done it yet.
I guess its different when its your own mess though.
Anyway it puts me off ever living with a partner again because attitudes to this kind of stuff would destroy an otherwise great relationship for me!

The issue is the untidy people.
Tidy people don't pretend to be messy at the start of relationships, whereas slobs have a tenancy to pretend to have at least some standards at the start.