Messy people always get their way

[Wellthatsit]

If you're a tidy person living with messy people, you never get to live in the environment you want, because the messy people always mess it up.

AIBU to feel this is unfair?

If you and the kids were cleaning up after yourselves, there wouldn't be an issue.

Send them back to the kitchen to tidy it every single time. This isnt just untidiness. It is disrespectful.

One of my big bugbears is things not having a place so are always misplaced. I started buying my own version of things eg tools or stationery or cash or gym equipment. Guess what happens? They constantly use my stuff because it's easy to find and always there!

And don't bring up how often my keys go missing cause someone else has taken them.

It doesn't matter how cross I get or how often I remind people not to borrow my stuff, it still happens, and I end up looking petty, when all I'm doing is trying to keep my own life free of unnecessary stress.

This argument isn't about stifling tidiness versus total chaos, it is about where the line of compromise should be drawn. And I think when you've made the effort to get your own shit under control and to stay fairly disciplined about cleaning up, it is miserable when other people blithely trash it then act like it's no big deal. I don't

This thread has brought back a lovely memory to me from my divorce. I remember when he left, I waved the back of his car away, and immediately tidied my house top to bottom. Smiling the whole time knowing it would stay like that. And it did. Once it was cleaned I went from room to room grinning like a loon. It probably sounds deeply deeply sad. But it wasn't, it just shows how a permanent mess can affect my brain and peace.

I love a tidy house, the cats have other ideas.

Everything has its place and is put back in its place, shoes are put away once they've had an airing(everyday shoes live on a rack in the cupboard in the hall, other shoes in boxes in the wardrobe), washing put away when dry. I have a large bowl with my book and the remote control in on the coffee table. It makes cleaning so much easier and quicker too.

I remember my boarding school had a 5 items on your chest of drawers policy, nothing on the floor apart from slippers and the room had to be spotless. It's the one good thing to come from it as I hate clutter.

Did I name change in my sleep? This is totally me. If I start tidying up, I get the overwhelming desire to go to sleep. BUT I once deep cleaned my sister's kitchen while waiting for a delivery. And when I go away on holiday with DP, I manage tidiness. I don't want to be pathologically tidy at home but less chez Steptoe would be nice.

I'm a naturally messy, untidy person. I don't even notice mess. But my husband isn't, he's very tidy. I have made a real effort to be tidier around the house and it's worked. I recognise that it makes my life easier. However, whenever he is away for work I revert to my natural self but tidy it all up before he gets back.

I think there are essentially two types of people - those who take out a scissors, cut something and put the scissors away; and those who put the scissors down.

I’m the latter. My brain has already moved on to the next stage of whatever I’m doing and I can’t do those little back track loops. But as an adult I have trained myself to build in a 5 minute tidy up at the end of a project, and several 5 minute whirlwind tidy ups throughout a day to find all the displaced items. I can’t see them until I actively try looking for them.

That’s motivated by consideration for others. And I suppose therein is the other distinction. I know some extreme tidiers who lack consideration.

I met a parent friend like this at a toddler group. I went round to her house for a play date when my ds was 3.

She told him off for being a conservatory toy in to the living room!… We never went round again.

I see what you mean - the bins didn't even get done when I was in hospital recently! Loads of other things like disinfecting surfaces, leaving ready meal packaging out, splattering toothpaste all over the sink and not cleaning up. Makes me feel like a nag.

DH is the put the scissors down type. He also leaves lights on, leaves cupboards and drawers open, puts the front door key in his pocket when returning to the house instead of in the door, leaves the washing up water in when he has finished washing up and a myriad other things in a similar vein.

Then spends hours (and I literally mean hours) looking for stuff. It drives me round the bend.

He works from home and his desk is chaos. The floor of his office is scattered with files and bits of paper as well.

I also WFH and have commandeered a spare bedroom. My desk has a laptop, 2 wide-screen monitors, mouse, keyboard, pen and notebook and that is it.

Is this an ADHD brain/non-ADHD brain thing for the initial behaviour? Followed up by a more conscious decision to be considerate of others or not. Neither wrong nor right, but definitely compatible/not compatible.

I beg to differ actually, OH is almost a hoarder, he would be if I didnt stay on top of him, he calls this 'controlling'.

He is offended and upset at things being tidied, cleaned, moved around, put their homes (drawers and cupboards) and most upset at things being thrown out when they're broken or no longer used.

I have zero tolerance here, I am not going to live in a shithole.

I particularly like things being taken near to the bin and left on the worktop next to the bin.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

I think you might be right @arethereanyleftatall.

DH gets so frustrated at his inability to find stuff, which is why I remind him to look on the most logical place.

We both did an online ADHD test and he scored 94, I scored 26, and we both think that he has ADHD tendencies.

To all those wondering why people do things like leave cupboard doors open - I watch my dd do it all the time, it's because her brain has already moved on to the next thing. Because I love her unconditionally, I watch her fascinated rather than bitter. She isn't doing it deliberately to irritate me, nor weaponised incompetence, she has simply already moved on. She is, waiting, to be assessed for adhd. I am trying to teach her to slow down, look around the room before she leaves it etc, but it is

Tidy up after yourself and you don’t need to tidy up.

seems simple to me but no one else in my home gets this.

My DP and both DSs are like this. I can laugh about it with them sometimes, but as a disabled person, it does get very tiring picking up and following them around!

That's definitely not the case, lol.

It doesn't register in my home.. it seems so simple! I am sure the dc don't enjoy me calling them back downstairs to move the crisp packets, shoes, dirty dishes etc. Yet I do every time and they never learn!

This is why I live alone. I can have my exact level of tidy/messy. I would place myself around the middle of that spectrum. Too far either way isn't good imo.

I grew up in a "show home". We were only allowed in the living room to sit still and watch TV. Not allowed in the kitchen except to eat. Never any messy play or baking or whatever. I had to share a room with my sister and, if it wasn't nice enough to play out, it was like being in prison! We had bunks, a tiny room, no space to do anything. We actually had a lovely large "spare" room that no one ever stayed in! So it wasn't lack of space.

I couldn't live with anyone really messy but likewise I also couldn't live with someone that expected everything tidied the moment you'd used it. That would also be stressful to me.

What a weird response. As I said we do but my view is you don’t have to tidy every toy away the second it’s put down or line all the cushions back up if you leave the sofa. As an example I left my AirPods on the hall table the other day because I was going for a run later, in the meantime they ended up in in a kitchen draw. They don’t go there (they go on my desk) and I’d specifically said why I’d left them out. It’s excessive.

That's not tidying... thats putting stuff out of sight. Its creating work.

I'm untidy in the sense that I often leave things 'out' to remind me and if someone puts that away in a drawer or something it can mean that bill doesn't get paid or I don't have sun cream with me that day etc - so I can find it annoying!

Entropy …unfortunately the natural order of the universe 🤷🏼‍♀️

Seriously Op, the ONLY way to deal with this is to get a cleaner. If you can afford it even once a month it will save your sanity and budding resentment

I tried to cope with it for 12 years with kids. A promotion resulted in me giving husband ultimatum of that’s what my pay rise is going on and you can stick it

i live on my own now, retired, kids left home. Cleaning is the perk. Once per month blitz. My mess only and not much of it. 🥳🥳