When will it hit me? Husband possible affair

[SanaGoggins]

I’ve caught my husband today. I had suspicions about a friend of his and checked his messages. There’s nothing explicit and no proof that anything had happened but very obvious flirting and talking late at night when I’m in bed.

I’ve confronted him and he just thinks I’m being nuts and she’s just a friend. I feel like I should feel angry and betrayed but I don’t feel anything? He’s gone off to work like everything’s normal and I’m wondering what I’m going to do.

You probably don’t feel angry because you are in shock. How long had you had suspicions and is there any possible way that the messages could be innocent?

They always say you’re crazy and there’s nothing to it.

He shouldn’t be exchanging flirty messages late at night with a ‘friend’.

Good for you for confronting him.

Why do you feel nothing do you think? Have you already checked out due to suspicions?

I don’t really know. I never thought he would do this to me. I think he genuinely doesn’t see what was wrong with what he was doing.

Firstly sorry, it sounds like an awful situation to feel you need to check and then you’ve found something and for him to then leave must be such limbo.

An old colleague of mine actually saw her (ex) husband with another woman and she said she didn’t feel angry for weeks as actually she realised she’d probably not loved him for a long time. She’d had months of being gaslit and there was no affection or fun etc, she said she felt like a numb relief that she had seen him and it was done? This maybe doesn’t resonate at all with you, but her overriding feeling was she was vindicated, she wasn’t angry (at first) because she didn’t want to fight for him, she just said if she’d had left without knowing for sure he’d have always twisted and denied it to everyone.

Delayed shock? Your brain protecting you against emotional hurt? Denial against the impact of knowing what it means?

It is totally wrong what he is doing. You know that and he does. I am a teacher of teenagers, the reader of MN and married to a cheating arsehole. It is amazing / pathetic the lies that men tell. They are just like teenagers trying to get themselves out of trouble 💐

(Simple test: would he be happy with you texting another man in bed at night - no, because he knows what it means.)

I don’t even know what to say to him when he gets home tonight. Stuck here with the kids so can’t even just go out.

What sort of flirting messages?

There was someone on here who posted about her husband and a girl at work flirting, but when they posted a screenshot of the messages it really was just banter and not flirting at all.

People have different ideas of what is flirting and what is just banter so if you have no proof of any affair, then perhaps your DH sees these messages as just banter?

An example:

H:What are you up to?
OW:Playing
H:What are you playing?
OW:With myself
H: do you want me to leave you to it or?

Lots of him telling her how amazing and stunning she is, he says this is because she was in a really hard place (which to be fair she was) but I just feel it’s so inappropriate. He’s been talking to her very much the same way he used to talk to me in the early days.

Fuck that!
He's cheating, even if he hasn't slept with her.
Nobody sends messages like that to a friend

Way over the line, yuk. You are not overreacting.

Both of them are way over the line, OP. Don't take any notice. Telling you you're crazy is part of the script that some of these people seem to be born knowing. Soon it'll be he'll have full custody of any children and then it'll be he'll kill himself and then he'll be shacked up with someone else and telling her you're crazy.

It’s so over the line isn’t it? And he called me crazy. Fucking prick.

That example is beyond flirting. How old are the kids? Can you plan to take them out somewhere for tea and not be home when he gets back? And certainly don’t make his food.
You need to decide if you can come back from this (if he cuts all non work related contact with her maybe?) or if this is a step too far.

He won’t be home until 11ish so can’t take the kids out.

I don’t think I will ever trust him again. I’ve been cheated on before and it absolutely broke me.

Take photos of the messages, might come in useful!

No-one can tell you how to act. I personally went crazy and yelled the fucking house down when I found out. I feel so bad for dd having to listen to that and "dh" got the upper hand for being "reasonable". (Makes me want to go apeshit again, just thinking about it!).

Of course, the best course of action is to be calm, line everything up and then kick him out invisibly. Life doesn't work like that.

Do you have grandparents nearby? Send the kids there overnight. Take a day off work tomorrow and give him what hell tonight.

Ok, put kids to bed, pour a glass of wine and start making a plan. Positive action is better than sitting and fretting, waiting for him to come home from work. How would life look without him? Even better if you have a rl friend who can come over to keep you company.

His reaction says it all.

He’s called you nuts and then gone off and pretended nothing’s happened.

If a normal person was accused of cheating (and they were not cheating) they’d probably be pretty upset and defend themselves. and offer any proof they could.

But his reactions is completely guilty.

He said if he had something to hide why would he willingly let me go on his phone?
It’s all so confusing.

Then he’s got a terrible lack of respect for you if he genuinely feels it’s fine to ask someone who is implying they’re masterbating if she would like him to leave her to it or ?
Rank - sorry 😢

LTB asap

I don’t even know where to start on leaving. I can afford rent by myself. I can’t believe he has done this.

Cant*

Do you have kids with him?
if not, start LTB right away

How old are the children?
Do you have family you can stay with?