When will it hit me? Husband possible affair

[SanaGoggins]

I’ve caught my husband today. I had suspicions about a friend of his and checked his messages. There’s nothing explicit and no proof that anything had happened but very obvious flirting and talking late at night when I’m in bed.

I’ve confronted him and he just thinks I’m being nuts and she’s just a friend. I feel like I should feel angry and betrayed but I don’t feel anything? He’s gone off to work like everything’s normal and I’m wondering what I’m going to do.

Yes. It is flirting.

Flirting isn’t proof of cheating. In fact, a cheater would be child like stupid to flirt on anything but a second burner phone or without disappearing messages.

It’s ok if flirting isn’t something you accept, every relationship has different boundaries, but it isn’t cheating nor is it proof of cheating.

OP and her DH need to talk this through when OP is calmer.

If you genuinely think asking another woman if she’d like him to play along with her masturbating is just “flirting” your boundaries are completely screwed up.

OP he’s clearly crossed the line of appropriate behaviour. If he continues with the denial and gaslighting there’s no basis for any sort of genuine conversation, and not a lot you can do other than leave.

I bet he does. He's fronting it out as innocent.

Sorry what? It is the definition of flirting. The definition of flirting isn’t a boundary. The boundary is whether flirting is ok in a relationship or not and that is for each couple to decide together.

I don’t think there is any proof of gaslighting by merely by the DH saying he hasn’t cheated.

Yes. What she said.

No one in their right mind would be ok with their partner engaging in virtual sex talk with anyone else let alone a 'friend'

I am saying flirting is not cheating. I am saying for some couples, it is ok and for others it is not.

And I'm saying that no one in their right mind would be ok with the type of conversation her dh had.

Would you be ok if your partner told a friend they were masterbating and then they replied would they like to help?

My ex fiance did this, he didn't think it was cheating but it's an emotional affair, it would've hurt less if he'd had a drunken one night stand.

I spent ages reading about others in the same situation and it seems like men don't think it's an affair unless it's physical whereas women find emotional affairs worse.

We stayed together for about a year afterwards but the trust and respect had gone, I always wondered what he was doing when he was on his phone or if he was late from work I assumed he was texting someone.
Like you I felt totally numb at first but that turned to anger and hurt and my feelings for him just went.

I'd tell him it's over ask him to leave, if I had to I'd rather claim benefits to top up my wages than live with a lying cheat. X

You mean if my partner were like the DH’s female friend? Because that is who said that. The DH was the recipient of it.

No I would not be ok, but I would not consider it cheating. I would have a discussion about not flirting on anything sexual.

In OP’s shoes I would be saying to my DH tell your female friend no sexual flirting or the friendship will end.

Saying a friend is amazing and stunning, blah blah..I don’t mind when it’s to give them boost in a rough patch.

No, I meant what I asked. But OK..... You clearly have an interesting view that I completely disagree with so I'll leave it there

Why would you ask me how I would feel about a scenario that is the exact opposite of the OP’s situation?

I would not be happy with this ‘flirting’ and I’d wonder why any woman felt comfortable texting a married man to tell him she was masturbating.

OW says she’s masturbating and he asks do you want me to leave you to it or?

In what world is that “harmless flirting”?

I didn’t say that was harmless flirting, I said it was flirting.
Not all flirting is harmless.

Same here.
I just don’t think it is cheating and I would not advise OP to rashly make irrevocable decisions while angry and without trying to have a discussion first. One that is preferably not by text but in person.

I was in a similar situation OP, it ended up with the OW msging me telling me they were just ‘friends’ and the inappropriate messages just refers to their friendship’ lol
it wasn’t, it was a classic affair where my reaction to their cheating somehow made me the bad guy.

It Probably isn’t the first time it crossed the line and I’m sure he will delete and be more careful going forward. His actions show this OP. He’s not remorseful and chosen the path of gaslighting you instead.

I bet if you had been having those conversations with a man he wouldn't have thought it was ok.

IKR.

How would he feel about you offering to help a male friend finish his wank?

There's your answer.

The gas lighting is disgusting here. I’d want to know how far he’s willing to go to pretend his behaviour is acceptable. Ask him to clarify that he’d be happy if you were telling a man how attractive he is and having conversations about him wanking.

Surely the point of flirting is that it leads to something more serious.

Ignore the one or two gas lighters here, also your partner's texts make me feel sick - he is deliberately overlooking the gravity of the situation and merely trying to placate you with minimal effort and casual platitudes. "It's not my bag"?! Totally inappropriate. He's not even sorry OP, the relationship is over, he seems to see you like someone just to keep quiet/content rather than a full human being who he's in a total commitment and partnership with. Don't know where to start with this moron but think you should arm yourself with professional advice, friends/family around you if you can, and evict the bastard ASAP.

You'll be a great mum to your two kids and over time feel better than you probably have for years.

He can sit in a studio flat somewhere sending smutty texts and contemplating everything he's lost.

You what?
If it was for my dignity only (I have a bit of assets of my own and am child free), my husband would not see me for dust.
Fortunately, he's fairly decent.

@IbisDancer

If you think flirting is wrong, that is fine, that is your boundary. But did he know that?

Tbf I think the default position for a monogamous couple is probably having an unspoken boundary about messaging another woman about them wanking between telling them how attractive they are...

I am not surprised I found when really big things happened in life, I enter survivor mode. I usually crash out six months later. It's like part of your brain goes "you have children, sort this shit".