When will it hit me? Husband possible affair

[SanaGoggins]

I’ve caught my husband today. I had suspicions about a friend of his and checked his messages. There’s nothing explicit and no proof that anything had happened but very obvious flirting and talking late at night when I’m in bed.

I’ve confronted him and he just thinks I’m being nuts and she’s just a friend. I feel like I should feel angry and betrayed but I don’t feel anything? He’s gone off to work like everything’s normal and I’m wondering what I’m going to do.

You can’t stay. Not only is he cheating, he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. By calling you crazy and leaving for work as normal, you know he won’t stop. He is putting this thing with her over you and how it makes you feel.

What is the housing situation? How long have you been married? Have you ran the figures through a benefits calculator and the child maintenance calculator?

Make him leave for a while so you can get everything in order but please, no matter how hard it is do not allow him to disrespect you like this. If you let this slide you are giving him the green light to do this over and over again.

We have a 10 year old and a 2 year old.

He wouldn't be he having conversations like that with a male friend

If the immediate response to something like this isn’t ‘I am completely in the wrong for entertaining this type of exchange and contributing to it. I will delete, block and work towards making our marriage safe again’ … then it’s over.

This is all that’s been said all day.

Wooooooaaahhh way over the fucking line!!

This is a good measure, would he say this to his (male) mate?
Probably not..

Would he be ok with you telling your male friends that you're playing with yourself? He doesn't want to hurt you at all and didn't think that would hurt you? Then there's something very wrong with him.

Absolutely waaaay over the line.

I am naturally flirty, my closest friend is a male and I hide nothing from DH, who is also good friends with him.

That said, I wouldn't dream of telling close friend I'm playing with myself - that just crosses a huge line and is a big NO.

He's very clearly cheating, and if not yet physical, he'd like it to be.

Take good care of yourself OP, get your ducks in a row and kick his sorry arse into touch x

Bingo

Not only would he not have this convo with a man, BUT I would also bet my bottom dollar he'd go apeshit if you had this same text exchange with a "friend".

He's a lying piece of shit trying to gaslight you into minimising his behaviour. What a prick.

He’s just not denying it convincingly or desperately. He’s pretending nothing ever happened. Guilty.

This.

Do you have any joint accounts? Tap into all those resources. You don’t owe him any loyalty or compassion now. Take what you need for you and DC.

I think that when he gets home you should ask him to start talking, and sit there in silence, unnerve him into giving more information. Don’t be tempted to jump
in to fill the airspace.
Have you told anyone in real life? Please do, it will help you to process your thoughts and face up to reality.

He needs to face up to what he’s done and stop making himself out to be a saint. What was his reply? I hope you’re alright OP.

You’ve caught him responding to a woman flirting with him over text.

Flirting isn’t cheating. Many couples are ok with a bit of harmless flirting.

If you think flirting is wrong, that is fine, that is your boundary. But did he know that? If not, would you both be willing to discuss and agree on boundaries for the future so you can move past this?

Him handing over your phone and being an open book checks with his view the flirting was harmless, that it wasn’t cheating or wrong.

I understand you feel hurt, but are you sure he intended to hurt you? Can you accept that he may genuinely have thought it was ok?

If he's not having an affair with her, they're working up to it. He can bullshit all he wants but trust your gut OP. This is not ok and you don't have to put up with it.

He is gaslighting you. You're not stupid and you're not crazy. It's fucking insulting that he thinks you're stupid enough to not know what's going on.

I'm so sorry, what a bastard he is. How dare he gaslight you and call you crazy

I think sometimes that period of numbness after the initial shock is the mind's way of trying to protect you and delay the pain and fury that's coming. Just take it as it comes - you know now, you can take a bit of time to process and get your head straight.

My only real advice to you is: trust yourself. You have seen cast-iron proof that he's betrayed you - those messages are enough. Don't let him chip away at your sanity and make you doubt yourself.

WTAF

I’ve just had my first cutting about 4 years. Waiting for him to come home.

Cigarette

Oh thank god! Cigarette (and gin) so much better than cutting!

Wtf, did you read the texts?!