When will it hit me? Husband possible affair

[SanaGoggins]

I’ve caught my husband today. I had suspicions about a friend of his and checked his messages. There’s nothing explicit and no proof that anything had happened but very obvious flirting and talking late at night when I’m in bed.

I’ve confronted him and he just thinks I’m being nuts and she’s just a friend. I feel like I should feel angry and betrayed but I don’t feel anything? He’s gone off to work like everything’s normal and I’m wondering what I’m going to do.

Agree with above, kids come first and survival mode happens for a reason. Could you realistically manage on your own? Obviously if he moves out you may be entitled to benefits to cover rent etc but is there scope for you to take over the tenancy or not? This will depend on many factors such as personal income, if landlord/h-association would allow etc..

@IbisDancer I think you bring some balance to this debate. Some couples have open relationships, are fine with different types of flirting etc. but I do think the response of the husband to her saying she’s erm masturbating was bad. He invites her to include him in her activity albeit perhaps over text only. But there is such thing as a slippery slope..

Now, my DP has a very close F* friend who he will complement, banter with, text now and then. But if he did what you describe, that would not be ok. Saying that, I’d want to speak with the woman, more importantly speak with him face to face like adults, and see if there was a way forward or not. And if so it would need to be crystal clear what was and was not acceptable in the relationship RE close friends such as this rather interested woman 😬

OP your are the mother of his children, from the tone of his texts to you he seems to care about you; there might be a way to salvage this and come out stronger as a couple while keeping the family together as a united unit. This woman is a desperate chancer who can be discarded if your DH is prepared to get onboard with that. Why is she sat at home texting someone else’s hubby in a sexual manner? If she was that great she’d have her own man to please her.

Hope you are ok OP, you’re stronger than you know x

*Female!

I’ve left with the kids for a few days to get some space. Don’t know where to go from here. Think it’s starting to hit him what he’s done.

@Daisylookslost
Thank you. I by no means think the female friend telling him she was playing with herself and his response of leave you to it or? Was OK. I do think in couples that are OK with harmless flirting, this would cross a line. I think a mitigating factor is that the DH didn’t make it sexual, this female friend did.

I think he should have responded differently with a TMI that’s not the kind of friendship we have sort of message to shut that behaviour down instead.

I agree with you as I’d also want to talk to both woman & DH about boundaries and see a way forward. I don’t see this as an unforgivable mistake or cheating.

I would not end my marriage over it unless I’d done the above and my DH then went on to repeat responding favourably to sexual flirting.

Not always. Flirting can be a way to express affection and admiration without necessarily wanting it to go anywhere.

I thought on reading your op, it’s just friends, but when I saw that text exhnage, yes, I’m sorry he’s cheating, I’d be very surprised if it wasn’t physical. I would strongly suspect it has been, you don’t send easy intimacy and sexual texts like that otherwise. And yes he’s lying as he’s been caught. I’m so sorry.

There is no default position in monogamous relationships. These are all things we discover or communicate with each other as we go. We all go by our unspoken assumptions, and our partners go by their unspoken assumptions, but if you are together long enough some unspoken assumptions do end up in conflict with each other.

You can split up on the spot for divergent assumptions, or you can turn the unspoken into the spoken about and agreed on.

Others will have more practical help but all I can say is stick to your instincts. Those messages from him aren't caring, they are manipulative and cold. If a loving partner were accused of cheating, even if they thought they were innocent and it was a misunderstanding, they'd be beside themselves trying to apologise, make it right and support you. He's just expecting you to ignore it without him making any effort - remember this selfishness and weakness from him in the weeks and months to come ❤

If a loving partner were accused of cheating, even if they thought they were innocent and it was a misunderstanding, they'd be beside themselves trying to apologise, make it right and support you.

I don’t know about this. If my partner accused me of cheating I would be more than cold, I would be raging. I would not apologise for something I had not done and trying to ‘make it right’ would consist of you need to get these paranoid intrusive thoughts out of your head and go get therapy because cheating on you is not something I would do.

Yes some partners might do what you say. I am by no means the universal template for how all loving partners react to an accusation of cheating.

My point is that there is no such thing as guilty or innocent behaviour, different people react differently to the same situation.

You seem to think this is a one off? As a pp said, you don't send that kind of casual natural sexual text without it being the norm.... Sending a 'tmi that's not the kind of relationship we have' text would be nonsensical as that clearly is the relationship they have

He responded in kind, the “or….” means leave you to it, or engage.

its also very obvious they are used to talking to each other like this,if they weren’t he’d have expressed some surprise at her response. Or laughed.

im afraid I’d bet good money this has already been physical at some point.

i know some posters like to portray the woman as the evil temptress, and the man as a hapless victim who just gave the wrong answer, but that’s bullshit and we all know it.

You're wrong

If he’s trying to kid you that there’s nothing in that text to worry about then he’s fucking deluded. It’s not physical adultry but to most people that’s cheating and enough to say LTB. Only you can decide what your limit is and if it’s worth trying to salvage things.

I don’t think a knee jerk ‘get out’ or ‘I’m leaving you’ reaction is necessarily appropriate in this particular situation that may or may not be defined as cheating depending on your personal and/or relationship stance. Especially where children are involved.

I will add my OH has said he’d say the same thing perhaps:
’do you want me to stay or…’
as a JOKEY response to his female friend!🙄 But I wouldn’t be best pleased and would certainly be looking to see what went down next… Considering the dynamic in their friendship, knowing him, and that they’ve been friends decades, it wouldn’t bother me if they were joking over text now and then, even if it was sexual joking.
But! If he was doing this with a new female on the scene I’d be very very concerned… and it would be unacceptable.

There’s shades of grey isn’t there in relationships, each party has unspoken assumptions it’s true.

I hope you have managed to have a chat with your DH OP to address this for the relationship to move forward if that’s what you want. X

Well done. Don't be afraid to ask all the people around you for help and support. You need and deserve it. The pain you feel now will save the years of agony you would endure by staying with this waster xx

Sorry this is happening to you op. Read the book ‘not just friends’ by Glass. This will help you articulate why this is wrong.

Adults who can access each other in person are unlikely just to hold hands or kiss. Cheaters lie and then they lie some more. They also trickle truth and only admit what you already know.

Get an STD check done despite not thinking it’s physical. Your health is a priority.

The posters and articles on the website surviving infidelity may also help you.

All the best op.

🤣🤣 are you OP’s husband?!

Even if we accept that OP’s husband, who has been with her for over ten years, had no idea up until THiS VERY MOMENT that she would have an issue with him texting another woman late at night in an intimate way…

His reaction to her CLEARLY having a problem with it is not to say “I’m so sorry I did not think this would be an issue for you. I had no intention of hurting you - obviously this woman is meaningless to me and I will immediately block her and tell you anything you need/want to know in the hopes of reassuring you and rebuilding trust. What can I do to make things right? Please can we talk about this? I love you” (which in my view wouldn’t get him very far but would at least be an attempt to care about OPs feelings, and you’ve got to start somewhere).

Neither is it to say “Look, my needs have changed now we have a toddler again and I find I’d like us to have a relationship which allows me to also get a MASSIVE ego boost and lots of attention from flirting with other women. I understand if you’re not happy with that and that you need some space right now, but that is what I want long term. Is it something you’d consider/discuss when you’ve had a chance to think about it?” (which would pretty much tell the OP all she needed to know about his boundaries and how much a crap he does not give about her feelings).

Oh no, his response is that cheating isn’t “his bag”…

Ummmm… maybe not…

but treating his wife with utter disrespect most certainly is his bag. What a prince.

And anyone who responds to being questioned about their fidelity with anything remotely in the same ball park as this:

“ I would not apologise for something I had not done and trying to ‘make it right’ would consist of you need to get these paranoid intrusive thoughts out of your head and go get therapy because cheating on you is not something I would do”

Is someone to be avoided at all costs.

(See the current thread about best advice ever given to you. One such piece of advice is “never take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from”. Well I certainly wouldn’t take advice (or criticism, or indeed give any thought whatsoever), to the views of a person who thought the above was an acceptable response to anyone they were intimately involved with, no matter how batshit they considered a question to be.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.
I think it's likely that they've already had a physical affair.

I'm so sorry OP!

Have been reading several ' husband having affair' posts. Feeling so sad for the many ops going through this. What about starting a Mumsnet wide campaign asking all women to simply back off married men. How would you like to be a stay at home mum with young children, feeling terrified at the discovery of her husbands affair? How can you sleep at night knowing how much pain you are causing another woman and her children . Know this : If he cheats on her, he will cheat on you too one day . Just stop it. Send him on home already. Get some therapy around your 'husband snatching' tendencies. Find yourself some unattached asshole instead . The karma bus is surely coming for those gratuitously adding to the sum of pain and misery in this world.

Oh and he text dd saying ‘it’s not what it looks like’.
she replied ‘I need answers’. So they’re meeting tomorrow. I’m not sure she will
go though as she says she doesn’t want to see him, but wants to hear what he has to say. She says if he doesn’t own up, she will walk away for good’

Calling someone “crazy” is the definition of gaslighting.
what you’re doing now is also gaslighting.
you are not cute. You’re coming across as an imbecile. Go back to your red pill forum.

How are things op? X