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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him that I wish he would send more video messages/voicenotes?

83 replies

Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:04

I've been chatting to a guy I met online for a month, it's long distance, he's like an 11 hour flight away.
Yes I know it seems pointless but I was enjoying the video messages as he's very handsome and the voicenotes as I love his accent. I was reciprocating and sending video messages and voicenotes back.
In the last 2 weeks he has pretty much just stopped sending videos or voicenotes and now just texts. For me the whole point of it is to see his face and hear his voice, I don't see the point of having a penpal who I text. For this reason it has been fizzling out and so I have backed off but he is still initiating the texting.
So I told him yesterday how I felt and that it was just fizzling out for me as I don't see him or hear him anymore, he apologized and used being busy at work as an excuse (which we all know is BS, if he wanted to he would etc)

He then said he will start sending me video messages again.
Was I out of order to say this to him? Or should I have just left it? I don't want to pressure someone into sending me videos and voicenotes if they aren't feeling like they want to but it's like he just got lazy and stopped and tbh I can't be arsed texting someone small talk etc. I have friends , I don't need another one.
I told him this yesterday and was fully prepared for it to be over , I wasn't expecting him to reply and say he would send videos again as he obviously doesn't want to or he wouldn't have stopped.

OP posts:
Magnificentkitteh · 26/05/2024 11:09

I think you're overthinking this one. You told him you appreciated the voice notes and videos and he's listened and said he'll send more. Making out like it's a problem that he didn't spontaneously realise you missed them or was being lazy for texting instead is illogical imo. Are you sure it's not fizzling out anyway as you seem to be looking for problems. Sending a video doesn't take any longer than texting so I don't see why laziness comes into it. Personally I prefer texts, but if my partner said they liked voice notes I'd try and accommodate that.

DanielGault · 26/05/2024 11:10

You weren't wrong to say what you want. But an 11 hour flight is not really practical in any way shape or form. And you've 'online known ' him for a month. It seems like a recipe for disaster tbh.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 26/05/2024 11:12

You've been chatting for a month and in the last two weeks he's stopped sending them.

So he only sent them in the first two weeks?

Perhaps the reality of the huge distance has finally kicked in?

Usernamewassavedsuccessfully · 26/05/2024 11:13

This is never going to be a relationship and after the initial flirtation has worn off, he's lost interest.

Original poster
Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:13

@Magnificentkitteh I think it's fizzling out on his part or he wouldn't have stopped sending me voicenotes etc and now just texts, yet somehow even if I back off, he's always the one texting me first. I don't know why he doesn't just let it fade out. The only reason it was fizzling out for me is because he stopped sending me the videos etc and I need that to stay engaged with someone, not just text on a screen

OP posts:
Original poster
Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:15

@Usernamewassavedsuccessfully I agree with you, it hasn't worn off for me, but it has for him.

OP posts:
DeadMabelle · 26/05/2024 11:15

You posted exactly the same thing a couple of days ago — why? Do you think you’re going to get different replies this time?

You’re being completely ridiculous. This guy is a longhaul flight away. He’s your penpal. He really doesn’t have to bustle around sending you voice notes and video calling. He’s a total stranger.

PaddingtonTheAngelofDeath · 26/05/2024 11:15

Probably has a wife

Original poster
Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:19

@DeadMabelle are you the posting police? I can post where I want thanks, and i didn't get much response on the last post plus there has been a new development which I wanted to add.
I never said he has to send me videos or voicenotes and also I don't want a penpal. He is the one that is keeping things going by texting, I was happy to let it fade out as I wasn't getting the videos etc anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:20

@PaddingtonTheAngelofDeath starting to wonder that myself actually

OP posts:
AIstolemylunch · 26/05/2024 11:23

Maybe he hasnt got time to record or watch loads of rambling voice notes or videos? You need to find somehwere quite and private to record them. I'd consider that a massive PITA.

PoochiesPinkEars · 26/05/2024 11:24

I don't really get the point at all if you can't have a relationship in person. Flirting is nice but that's all this can ever be at that distance, so it can't develop and would eventually just become a chore?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/05/2024 11:24

If you were happy to let it fade out why bother to tell him you wanted videos and voice notes?

Original poster
Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:24

Also I am trying to be more assertive and communicate my needs more to people and so if I hadn't said anything to him, he would just continue to text and I would end up just ignoring him or ghosting him which is worse. At least this way he can decide whether he wants to keep in touch with me or not, now that he knows.
He basically has sent nothing but texts the last 2 weeks.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 26/05/2024 11:24

You’re not in a relationship with this guy and you never will be. He is literally just some bloke. He doesn’t owe you a thing.

DeadMabelle · 26/05/2024 11:26

Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:19

@DeadMabelle are you the posting police? I can post where I want thanks, and i didn't get much response on the last post plus there has been a new development which I wanted to add.
I never said he has to send me videos or voicenotes and also I don't want a penpal. He is the one that is keeping things going by texting, I was happy to let it fade out as I wasn't getting the videos etc anymore.

But there isn’t anything to ‘keep going’! You said in your other post you liked the videos and voice notes because you liked his accent and looks. But this isn’t a relationship, and he’s not obliged to cater to the preferences of a total stranger a longhaul flight away. If texts are not enough for you, just block him, surely? You don’t need him permission to stop this non-relationship.

Hinkuy · 26/05/2024 11:26

Wtf. Is this what dating is like these days? "Prepared for it to be over" "fizzling out" this is not a relationship!! This is just weirdness. Just block him and focus on finding someone in your local area..

Original poster
Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:27

@sweeneytoddsrazor because I like him and don't want to ghost him and he is initiating the texting , asking how my day is etc. I don't want to be rude and ignore him but at the same time I can't be bothered replying when I know he has just stopped and can't be bothered to even send me a voicenote anymore.
We are always told communication is so important in dating, with men etc and that's all I was trying to do, communicate my needs and then he can decide what he wants to do from that knowledge

OP posts:
Original poster
Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:32

@DeadMabelle I don't want to block him, I find that a bit cruel especially if someone seems like a decent guy , and I do like him. I also didn't want to ignore his daily texts as I would feel awful so I felt like this was the best route to take and explain to him how I felt. I made it clear to him that he doesn't have to send me anything but that because he is only texting now, that it is fizzling out for me. I was prepared for him to ignore me or block me after that

OP posts:
DanielGault · 26/05/2024 11:33

Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:27

@sweeneytoddsrazor because I like him and don't want to ghost him and he is initiating the texting , asking how my day is etc. I don't want to be rude and ignore him but at the same time I can't be bothered replying when I know he has just stopped and can't be bothered to even send me a voicenote anymore.
We are always told communication is so important in dating, with men etc and that's all I was trying to do, communicate my needs and then he can decide what he wants to do from that knowledge

Well, he's not understanding your communication. He's dropped the videos etc. You're not longer getting what you want from the situation. It sounds like a huge waste of time if you're not getting what you want from it. That's the long and the short of it.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 26/05/2024 11:34

Dating, realky? Where do you actually see this going because if he can't be bothered after 2 weeks I can't see it going much further

Original poster
Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:35

@Idontjetwashthefucker I agree, actions speak louder than words etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:37

@DanielGault I just told him how I felt yesterday and he has said he will now start sending video messages again. I wasn't expecting him to respond with that.

OP posts:
DeadMabelle · 26/05/2024 11:38

Idontjetwashthefucker · 26/05/2024 11:34

Dating, realky? Where do you actually see this going because if he can't be bothered after 2 weeks I can't see it going much further

But it’s not ‘dating’. This is two total strangers who live a longhaul flight apart who have exchanged voice notes and video messages for two weeks, and then just texts for two weeks. Not only have they never met, they’ve never spoken, and the OP is already unhappy with him. Not only has it no future, it has no past either!

Ace56 · 26/05/2024 11:39

Comms85 · 26/05/2024 11:27

@sweeneytoddsrazor because I like him and don't want to ghost him and he is initiating the texting , asking how my day is etc. I don't want to be rude and ignore him but at the same time I can't be bothered replying when I know he has just stopped and can't be bothered to even send me a voicenote anymore.
We are always told communication is so important in dating, with men etc and that's all I was trying to do, communicate my needs and then he can decide what he wants to do from that knowledge

But you’re not dating him, you’re literally just talking to someone online on the other side of the world. What’s the point? Are you that desperate for validation or for someone to ask how your day is going that you’re willing to keep this going when it’s clearly fizzling out (and rightly so)?

I think it would be different if, say, you knew he was coming to your country in a few weeks so you’re building up the excitement. But this isn’t a relationship and won’t turn into one.