Am I expecting too much from my soldier husband

[Flowersandbubblegum]

I've been married 7 years. 2x children together. He's in the army and we live on base and move around with his job. With that comes time apart. We don't have family that help/call/want to be involved, friendships are hard to sustain with the moves and juggling life, work, parenting 90% solo. But it's what I'm used to so all that's just for context.

My issue is my husband and AIBU with my expectations from him. If we are apart he (36M) is in the company of soldiers usually in their 20s who go out drinking all the time. He drinks a lot, never tells me who with or where, will only answer questions if asked. Which annoys me as its not the going out for me, it's the lack of communication.

AIBU to think he's treating me like a girlfriend and not wife/mother? He drinks, lays in, basically lives with no responsibility and he does work obvs but they get a lot of downtime. I can't help but be resentful I'm 24/7 with the kids and my life revolves around them. I work 2 jobs coz he has bad debts and I want to provide a nice life for my children. He does cover rent and bills but it's not much, as it's military housing. If I do things with friends, it's usually because we have children in common, so my socialising is children's based activities and playdates.

When he's home he's 'tired' from working, naps every day and stays up very late due to his sleeping pattern. I go to bed around 9 or 10pm because I'm tired from work and parenting.

He often goes out when I'm in bed, but doesn't tell me, I only guess when he's weird in the morning or if he crashes in drunk during the night.

Basically I just need views as to whether I'm being overbearing and he should do what he wants as an adult making his own choices or whether this isn't right. I've got used to it over time.

We can't do things together much as he's usually skint so it's down to me to get a sitter, pay, transport etc. But his social events are as above, my time is child based. I've tried organising girls nights, mums nights but they just don't align/work out so to keep friendships we contine to meet at soft plays or parks.

Is this life now, together but separate. I tell him everything, he tells me nothing. But maybe that's how marriage ends up.

You are not being overbearing
This is not how marriage ends up.
I would be resentful too.

You're upset your soldier husband, presumably on a base in a war zone, goes drinking and doesn't tell you? He doesn't need to tell you if he's not living at home....

Living with a solider isn't an easy life. Between the fact they have long deployments where you inevitably get left alone and the fact many of them end up with severe trauma and MH problems (which would explain the drinking as well).

Have you tried to talk to other "military wives" on base and see how they feel? They'd be the ones who understood most

My dad was in the army and we moved around. He liked a drink as much as the next squaddie, but didn't shirk his responsibilities at home when he was there.

Doesn’t sound like he really brings much to the marriage at all. He seems like a single lad and you sound like a single Mum.

That sounds shit. Does he spend any time with the kids? He is acting like a flatmate rather than a loving husband. Obviously relationships change over time but both partners should still be treating each other well, wanting to spend time together etc. he sounds like he doesn't respect you and has no interest in either you or the kids.

I couldn't live like that, I would look at divorce and getting you and your kids settled into a stable life where you can make friends and not be moving around. It sounds like nothing would change for him if you weren't there while your life would drastically improve.

@ButWhatAboutTheBees much more likely he's living on base in the UK if she's living with him...😂😂

OP speak to families welfare. And tbh plan to leave.

Sounds like your husband cannot differentiate between life away from his family and when he is back at base. I wouldn’t put up with it as he doesn’t seem to be making any effort and it’s not how I would want to bring up my children. But only you can decide if it is something you can.

He's also disappearing off out when he's home as well, once OP is in bed.

This.

You deserve better, OP. Life doesn’t have to be like this.

She said "if we are apart" for the bit about not knowing where he is or who with so I assumed that was off the base

Being as she then said "when he is home"

Which is where the bad MH bit came in

In no way does this sound like a partnership.

He's being an absolute waste of space OP. My DH is military, he is a normal family man, works 9-5 most of the time, does 50/50 at home, we combine our finances, when he goes away he very rarely goes out (he's not sociable tbh) he wouldn't spend all our money on drinking as deployments are a time to save.

It doesn't have to be like this, you CAN have a happy marriage in the military, we've been doing this for coming up 15 years (although we live off base in our own house now). He's just not a good husband, I suspect he'd be useless whatever his job is, but this lifestyle probably enables him even further.

He's not respecting you OP.

No, that isn't normal and I would feel unhappy and resentful too. He is still living like a single person really.

Thankyou for your comments so far.

He's not in a war zone, they often go away various locations for weeks or months. He's not experienced trauma or ptsd. It's not his reasons for drinking, I don't mind the going out, it's the communication. Not in the sense of 'he has to tell me', but more surely its not too much to expect for him to tell me his day, how he spends his time etc. We've been married 7 years, together longer, and I don't know any of his friends. They're all 10 years younger, most single.

Also you don't discuss personal things with wives/welfare or the whole camp knows! So I thought I'd ask complete strangers just for context and opinions coz I will fully hold my hands up if I'm in the wrong and expecting too much.

@Flowersandbubblegum does UKForcesWAGs on Facebook still exist? Large community of military wives and you used to be able to message an admin to post anonymously for you (though they might directly have the post anonymously function now) if you wanted military wives to respond.

This resonates. This is how other men his age are. As a family we've never seen extra money from time away, it goes on his socialising. This is how I'd be, how I assume it should be. Stay in, not all the time, but it's not a lads holiday. I feel he should still be family focused when away and its what I have trouble with.

While some forces guys are like that... its not normal. Most go out of their way to be with their wife and kids when they are home. When away they can be a bit uncommunicative though. (Especially the older ones who aren't used to being able to have phone signal etc! I still remember the one phone call a week if you're lucky days.... when my now 11yo was born he was informed by the duty sergeant after I told the duty officer at home)

He's not being a husband.

(For other posters they aren't allowed alcohol in war zones or any exercise involving lice ammunition!)

@Flowersandbubblegum he should be making money when he goes away with LSA, we get about £2000 per 4 month deployment (extra) with LSA and CILOCT refund, then on top of that with his food being paid for so us saving on fuel and food. It's the only way we can mentally justify the deployments, we usually put it towards a special holiday when he's home.

If you think underneath it all he's a good man and the relationship can be salvaged you can access Relate marriage counselling via the army, and he can go into the block for space whilst you're working on it, but when someone is that inherently selfish it's hard to imagine they can change, there are too many of them in the military sadly. It tends to be the ones who sign up late in our experience, they revert to boyhood, if your husband has been in since his 20s and just hasn't grown up it suggests it's more embedded in him as a person. Has he progressed much at all? You'd think with progression he'd spend less time with the youngsters.

You need to throw yourself into making friends with other wives, they are the only people that can empathise with what you are going through,
My network of military wives stretches the country thanks to many many moves from us all before setting into 'forever life'!

If it's more comfortable make friends with people outside your husbands unit if you think people will talk (they won't)

He's acting like a singley that lives on camp, you need to address that with him as it's not normal for a married man, soldier or not

Yeah, that's not acceptable. Fine when he's 21 and single but he's a grown adult now.

We're past this now but all the decent lot I knew in the army would do loads for the family when they got home and sure as hell weren't expecting their partner to do everything with the kids and work two jobs to subsidise their drinking. They'd be really unimpressed with anyone who did.

Good news is the army are good with taking maintenance out of pay if you split up.

He's not really in this marriage is he.

@BMW6 I agree he is not there , he's never been there , get out now . This is not how it's meant to be .

He's being an arse.

I married a military man, decided not to move around with him. Bought property and stayed put to give the kids stability with schools etc. It's been hard with him being away so much but when he is home he is present with us not off with mates all the time so better quality. I would divorce mine if he was like yours.

Why is he going out drinking if he is in debt?