Am I expecting too much from my soldier husband

[Flowersandbubblegum]

I've been married 7 years. 2x children together. He's in the army and we live on base and move around with his job. With that comes time apart. We don't have family that help/call/want to be involved, friendships are hard to sustain with the moves and juggling life, work, parenting 90% solo. But it's what I'm used to so all that's just for context.

My issue is my husband and AIBU with my expectations from him. If we are apart he (36M) is in the company of soldiers usually in their 20s who go out drinking all the time. He drinks a lot, never tells me who with or where, will only answer questions if asked. Which annoys me as its not the going out for me, it's the lack of communication.

AIBU to think he's treating me like a girlfriend and not wife/mother? He drinks, lays in, basically lives with no responsibility and he does work obvs but they get a lot of downtime. I can't help but be resentful I'm 24/7 with the kids and my life revolves around them. I work 2 jobs coz he has bad debts and I want to provide a nice life for my children. He does cover rent and bills but it's not much, as it's military housing. If I do things with friends, it's usually because we have children in common, so my socialising is children's based activities and playdates.

When he's home he's 'tired' from working, naps every day and stays up very late due to his sleeping pattern. I go to bed around 9 or 10pm because I'm tired from work and parenting.

He often goes out when I'm in bed, but doesn't tell me, I only guess when he's weird in the morning or if he crashes in drunk during the night.

Basically I just need views as to whether I'm being overbearing and he should do what he wants as an adult making his own choices or whether this isn't right. I've got used to it over time.

We can't do things together much as he's usually skint so it's down to me to get a sitter, pay, transport etc. But his social events are as above, my time is child based. I've tried organising girls nights, mums nights but they just don't align/work out so to keep friendships we contine to meet at soft plays or parks.

Is this life now, together but separate. I tell him everything, he tells me nothing. But maybe that's how marriage ends up.

As far as I know good. But I don't know his friends or workmates. He's always out with different people. He does well in work and gets on with pretty much everybody.

We've moved a lot in the last 7 years, and have had empty houses near us, or people leave as we arrive etc so neighbours are a constant flow.

If there's ever gatherings/bbqs and we go together with the kids during the day for a few hours, he'll go back out again once everyone's in bed.

I don't think people would report him for drinking, lots drink. He doesn't drink 24/7 or turn up to work/school drunk.

It's not about his drinking or going out, it's about the communication and lack of it in general. I think perhaps the focus has been on his drinking coz it's more than most couples experience, but for me, the discomfort comes from the lack of communication. I feel cut out of things because I'm responsible for most things due to the nature of his job in general.

What rank is he OP if you don't mind answering?

It's not a nice life..my husband is ex military. Once we decided to have kids, he needed to leave the army. I was not up for having to do work and parent alone with the worry of him deployed God knows where. IMO they don't get paid enough to put their families through all this. Tell him he needs to found a civilian job.

Rather not say but not at the bottom, not an officer. Doing OK. He's had a few promotions.

@Flowersandbubblegum I understand, only asking because of the impact on his role at work, if he's had a few promotions he really should know better, it's embarrassing if he's still hanging around with 20 year olds but is advanced in his career and with a family. Have you ever spoken to him about it? Does he deny? Try to defend? How do you think he'd react if you asked for counselling?

I fail to see how this i not being noticed as you know is like living cheek with jowl , someone must know you are going through this and his behaviour is likely setting off alarms everywhere he goes .This is just not normal .

When I think of the men I know who went into the army, they mainly were care leavers or came from broken or dysfunctional homes. At least two had experienced horrifying abuse throughout childhood- and they weren't even the careleavers.

So I'm always interested to know the family background of men like your husband. If they grow up in homes without having male roles modelled to them how are they supposed to learn how to be a husband and father?

Alternatively he could just be a selfish fool but it sounds like there's something deeper there.

No nothing like that, a bit rough round the edges but still has a good relationship with his family. They don't bother with the children or me, not doting grandparents, and they live a few hours away, but he still speaks with them often and sees them when he can.

Hi OP. I have some knowledge of service life. It appears to me that the issues you highlight aren’t really issues about your partner being in the forces. The issue seems to be that your partner isn’t present when he’s home and that he doesn’t take his responsibilities seriously. Bringing up children is a joint responsibility in a marriage - even for those who may be absent from time to time. He chooses to go to bed late or go out and socialise - which presumably puts added financial stress on you.

you can’t change him but he needs to change if you want a thriving marriage. My advice - have an honest sit down talk about expectations, responsibilities, commitment, obligations, marriage and partnership. Should he not wish to commit and change - well, you need to consider your options.

If as you infer he's hanging out twenty yr old lads someone knows they've got to that's not normal. There is no grown man that hangs out with youngsters without them at least knowing he's a no hoper . You've got to take yourself and the kids out of the situation . I take it there is a Padre there ? Seek his help .Or other volunteers you could trust .

they live on base ! They do not live in a war zone -soldiers go away for many reasons not just to war and yes some end up with trauma but not all of them or “most of them” -in fact the military is largely inactive at the moment. I am from a military family and also married to a soldier. My 26 year old husband doesn’t even behave this way. The drinking and party and cheating culture is what’s perpetuating his behaviour. He’s a grown man treating his wife like a nanny. You get complacent military wife’s who live with no life of their own when their husbands are away and I’ve seen many divorces for the reasons this woman has listed. She feels trapped and she’s right to. You don’t even know this man and you’re saying he’s traumatised. He is a grown adult who can’t communicate and values drinking over his relationship.

You sound really isolated OP. Please don't believe that if you talk to welfare everyone will know your business. This is a common tactic used by them to control and isolate you further. Granted if you don't trust any of the other wives or don't know them well then don't talk to them in confidence, but welfare are there for confidential support. Or talk to a counsellor if you'd rather keep things totally separate.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not normal and you don't have to live like this. It's only since I left my ex that I have learnt that domestic abuse is extremely common in military families. I'm not saying this is what it is, but I believe this illustrates how completely institutionalised and groomed into behaving and thinking the way the military want us to, via messages received from the husband, that we can become as military wives.

There's a better life for you waiting to be lived.

Former Army wife here. I stayed in family home town, worked full time, 1 child. Husband on camp, came home Friday afternoon. He ran a hoover round then picked child up from nursery/childminder. Did bedtimes Friday and Saturday. Spent weekend doing things as family, socialising mostly as a couple in evenings when possible. Back to camp Sunday afternoon/evening. When he was at camp spoke a couple of times a week. General chat about what we'd done, did not ask him for minute detail, same when on exercise/ training/posted overseas. Your husband is rubbish at home and that needs fixing as does the money but maybe you expect a bit too much when he is away.

I did reach out to welfare.

The welfare officer sent group email to several respondents with personal details of our issues to various members of his chain of command, this was forwarded on again.

The guard room somehow was made aware (to plan ahead incase a room was needed in the block for him if he was to leave) who then rang another random soldier asking who I was.

This then transferred over the 2x wives of the command in the email (who had obviously discussed the news with their spouses) plus the random soldier who is an associate of ours and he told HIS wife, who then reached out to check I was OK after hearing it from someone else. Which was all kinds of embarrassing as we know them

Welfare called a meeting with my husband to check HE was OK, does he need anything. He obviously said no, had a go at me for raising it and noone official asked me if I still needed help.

I will never trust welfare.

In theory asking for help is a great suggestion but it made everything even worse and I just feel humiliated and embarrassed.

I can't even make a service complaint as wives can't. It's only the serving person who can raise an issue.

This isn't rare. It happens all the time. Everyone knows everyone's business because gossip is rife.

My son in law is in the TAs. He had an excersise that was cut short in his home town but instead of going out with the boys (he's 34 the boys are 18 up) he chose to go home and see his wife because he's a grown up. Nothing wrong with going out for the occasional drink but you should be put first.

No idea how the army works but what were you expecting from welfare? This is a marriage issue and your dh is the problem. Leave him.

Wow that welfare sounds like a train wreck. At least one of the wives reached out to you.

Frankly your DH is a knob. You work two jobs to pay his debts, do all of the housework and parenting while he drinks and has lie-ins. Would he agree to counselling? Realistically he needs to change or you should leave him.

Good luck

Huge breaches of confidentiality there OP but why were welfare involved in the first place? I only ask as there is a big difference between domestic abuse and the potential need for welfare intervention, and a shit husband in which case welfare can’t and shouldn’t do anything. I say that with kindness. I was a military child and military wife so I understand how isolating it can be.