Am I expecting too much from my soldier husband

[Flowersandbubblegum]

I've been married 7 years. 2x children together. He's in the army and we live on base and move around with his job. With that comes time apart. We don't have family that help/call/want to be involved, friendships are hard to sustain with the moves and juggling life, work, parenting 90% solo. But it's what I'm used to so all that's just for context.

My issue is my husband and AIBU with my expectations from him. If we are apart he (36M) is in the company of soldiers usually in their 20s who go out drinking all the time. He drinks a lot, never tells me who with or where, will only answer questions if asked. Which annoys me as its not the going out for me, it's the lack of communication.

AIBU to think he's treating me like a girlfriend and not wife/mother? He drinks, lays in, basically lives with no responsibility and he does work obvs but they get a lot of downtime. I can't help but be resentful I'm 24/7 with the kids and my life revolves around them. I work 2 jobs coz he has bad debts and I want to provide a nice life for my children. He does cover rent and bills but it's not much, as it's military housing. If I do things with friends, it's usually because we have children in common, so my socialising is children's based activities and playdates.

When he's home he's 'tired' from working, naps every day and stays up very late due to his sleeping pattern. I go to bed around 9 or 10pm because I'm tired from work and parenting.

He often goes out when I'm in bed, but doesn't tell me, I only guess when he's weird in the morning or if he crashes in drunk during the night.

Basically I just need views as to whether I'm being overbearing and he should do what he wants as an adult making his own choices or whether this isn't right. I've got used to it over time.

We can't do things together much as he's usually skint so it's down to me to get a sitter, pay, transport etc. But his social events are as above, my time is child based. I've tried organising girls nights, mums nights but they just don't align/work out so to keep friendships we contine to meet at soft plays or parks.

Is this life now, together but separate. I tell him everything, he tells me nothing. But maybe that's how marriage ends up.

I would try couples' counselling - start with Army Welfare Service as it is offered to your DH under his military contract. Any issues (which I doubt, they are very supportive), also try SSAFA, they have a presence on all military bases.

Bear in mind you can't say for sure that your DH isn't suffering from PTSD or other forms of stress. Life in the military is very hard, people often bury their feelings and don't want to ask for support.

Dont write your relationship off until you've tried to work together with a trained counsellor to improve your communication.

I clicked YABU because you are to put up with this shit!!!

LTB, you deserve much better than this.

Army wife for nearly 30 years. Agree with PP, you and kids should be the thing that cheers him up. Stop paying off his debts. Start taking more money from him for household expenses. If that's a problem, then it's not a marriage, he's a house mate. When DH came back from exercise, the daft stories were ones of the things I looked forward to.
It really does sound like he sees you as a domestic appliance not a partner.

I’ve served in the forces and men like your husband were most definitely not faithful.
His pay is good and there is no way you should be working 2 jobs.

The extra money is supposed to help with the expense of having the soldier be away. It’s not beer money. From a policymaker perspective, that money would be going to offset the increased household expenses.

it’s well acknowledged that being a military spouse and a military family is difficult and can cause expense. The pay structure and general family provision try to consider that. It doesn’t always succeed adequately, but it tries.

He is trying to live a barracks lifestyle even though he got married and moved into family housing.

when he is deployed or on assignment, he is going to slip into that mentality and that is ok, though he shouldn’t spend money the family can’t afford. When he comes home, he needs to learn to switch back into parent mode

I was married to a “Naval aviator.”
I knew many other wives and pilots — and most, if not all, were dedicated family men.
Mine, however, was not.
It isn’t the soldier life and it isn’t the atmosphere they’re in.
It’s the individual person, @Flowersandbubblegum and I doubt your husband’s behaviour will improve — it might, but seeing as how he’s a husband and a father and he still behaves like this, I don’t have high hopes.
I wish you the best of luck — and certainly better luck than I had.
It’s up to you to decide how long you’re prepared to tolerate your husband’s behaviour.

He need to up his game. Sounds like a total waste of space. Also, how is he skint???? I'd love a break down of your income and expenses because I know when my friend and her husband lived on base it was literally dirt cheap! They bought a house and I literally couldn't understand why because living on base was fraction of their new mortgage.

They bought a house and I literally couldn't understand why because living on base was fraction of their new mortgage.

Because you can't have an MQ forever and the later you leave buying the more prices go up, I've seen so many military couples squander their cheap rent and then when they come to leave are having to buy a "first step" house aged 40+, or worse, rent. We made sure we got on the ladder asap to start building equity and ensure we could buy a family sized home. We could still be living in a good sized 3 bed for £200 a month but it's not a good long term plan!

Everything you are saying is what's at the back of my mind. I appreciate your honesty, from all of you.

I do feel like they say friends with benefits... a family with benefits. He lives his life, but has family for comfort.

I thought I would hear stories too from time away. We speak for like 10 minutes here n there cover the basics. If he's been drinking then we don't hear from him at all.

He's never off his phone to other people though.

I think over time it's just become the norm. But I feel deep inside it isn't, which you are showing me.

I did try welfare too, they said they would have to check he is OK through his chain of command, he said things are fine, noone contacted me again and it was dropped. Nobody spoke to me again about it even though I requested it. An email just got sent to a chain of people detailing we were having issues. It was more embarrassing than helpful so I would never ask again.

Stop being his family with benefit. He presents this image to the world at your and your children’s expense.

Don’t do it anymore, leave him.

Oh how ridiculous he is, what a waste of space and (your!) time. He brings fuck all to the table and he treats you with no respect, you deserve better, there’s so much more out there.

@Flowersandbubblegum what really shines through from your posts is your grief for a friend, a partner. The fact that he's not sharing his life with you and not communicating. I understand, it's a hard enough life as it is and if they are not grateful or giving anything.

Oh dear, OP. He is indeed a waste of space.
Someone said he’d be like this whatever job he was in, and I’d tend to agree. Life for most of the armed forces when not deployed is very stable. Pretty much 9-5 with sports afternoons, often early stand down on Fridays. Yes- on deployment it’s tough, but a decent husband and father would be checking in every chance he got.
I wouldn’t stay with him. Not least for all of the things you’ve said, suggesting you live very separate lives anyway, but if I’m being totally honest given everything you’ve described I would be very shocked if he’s been faithful to you throughout your relationship. He just sounds like a massive f-boy to be frank.

You live in subsidised military housing, you have 2 jobs, he has loads of debt.

What is he spending his money on???

Booze? gambling? Not on his kids by the sound of it. Sounds like a keeper....

You need a plan OP because this isn't and is never going to work. Could you move closer to family and rent?

My husband is in the Navy and he's nothing like this. He works in a stressful job 7-7 and weekend commutes so he's only home Friday tea time to Sunday tea time but he's still far more present in our lives!

I was a military wife for 27yrs, I’m still a wife DH has retired, he’d have never behaved like that otherwise he’d have been shown the door. DS1 is serving, too. He doesn’t behave like that either. He’s responsible for blokes who do and it gets on his wick. The problem is until that sort of behaviour and culture is frowned upon in the forces, especially the army, it will never change and it’s the wives, girlfriends and families who suffer.

He sounds like a complete PITA and you deserve better. You need to weigh up what you want out of life. Can you do another 20 years of this? Him treating you like shit, while you work your fingers to the bone and his pisses money up the wall? Your children won’t respect him and I can’t blame them.

I do wonder how his friends treat him , they must all be single because if I think back to our days in the armed forces , he wouldn't have got across our door no way ,

Genuine question - what is the point of you loving on the base and moving around with him?
Sounds like you could do everything you are already doing, from a home near your friends and family.

Sorry OP, it sounds horrible and definitely not what you deserve.

I’ve spent time with deployed military (not war zones). Most of the married men kept their heads down, saved their money, knew how to have a good laugh but were restrained and respectful. Some of them were pissing their money away and (sorry), having sex with any woman who’d have them.

Military life is hard on marriage, but this isn’t the military causing your problems, it’s him. Drinking when he can’t afford it, not pulling his weight, not paying off his debts, not being reliable - none of those are excusable.

Honestly he sounds like a functioning alcoholic, and tbh you’re only enabling him by paying his debts (even with those tour bonuses?! wtf woman) and keeping house for him so he can focus on what he enjoys. The fact that he’s happy for you to do that without support tells you how he feels about you and your relationship. I know you keep saying it’s a lack of communication but it’s far, far beyond that. I don’t care what job you’re doing, sneaking out at night when your wife’s in bed isn’t normal behaviour.

What will happen when you eventually get sick of his shit is that he’ll get a room in a block on camp and just pickle himself. DH was in for twelve years and spent most of that time in the block (I used to come over at the weekend and share his small double bed) and there was a revolving door of guys like that whose wives tapped out when they realised he’s not going to change. As someone else says I’d get out and get the benefit of the CM whilst he’s still on decent money and a share of his pension. Probably the only way you’re likely to see him providing for his kids in any meaningful way tbh.

How about reading the whole OP again but this time with your comprehension goggles on

This isn’t a marriage, I would get out now while you’re young start again , settle get a good life for yourself
don’t be a house slave to him
he’s taking advantage big time

Sorry, I might have not worded it right. He does pay for the house and bills and his own debts. But there's nothing left, so I work 2 jobs to give my children what they need and cover day to day things.

In all honesty I've no idea how much extra he gets when he's away.

We do have family days, and do go out to activities together. But there's always that feeling that it's not enough. If we do go out, he has to have a sleep after it. If we put a family film on, he sleeps through it. Never fully present even though he's there.

You never answered question but how do his work mates treat him , not the people who drinks with him but the men and women who works with him?
How do the neighbours because he can't act like that everyday and think no one will notice . They will do , and never been reported??
The neighbours have never reported him , ever?
What about the school ?

Sorry there is debts has ever been reported because of the debts ? Do they all belong to him ? he's never been reported because of them ?