Am I expecting too much from my soldier husband

[Flowersandbubblegum]

I've been married 7 years. 2x children together. He's in the army and we live on base and move around with his job. With that comes time apart. We don't have family that help/call/want to be involved, friendships are hard to sustain with the moves and juggling life, work, parenting 90% solo. But it's what I'm used to so all that's just for context.

My issue is my husband and AIBU with my expectations from him. If we are apart he (36M) is in the company of soldiers usually in their 20s who go out drinking all the time. He drinks a lot, never tells me who with or where, will only answer questions if asked. Which annoys me as its not the going out for me, it's the lack of communication.

AIBU to think he's treating me like a girlfriend and not wife/mother? He drinks, lays in, basically lives with no responsibility and he does work obvs but they get a lot of downtime. I can't help but be resentful I'm 24/7 with the kids and my life revolves around them. I work 2 jobs coz he has bad debts and I want to provide a nice life for my children. He does cover rent and bills but it's not much, as it's military housing. If I do things with friends, it's usually because we have children in common, so my socialising is children's based activities and playdates.

When he's home he's 'tired' from working, naps every day and stays up very late due to his sleeping pattern. I go to bed around 9 or 10pm because I'm tired from work and parenting.

He often goes out when I'm in bed, but doesn't tell me, I only guess when he's weird in the morning or if he crashes in drunk during the night.

Basically I just need views as to whether I'm being overbearing and he should do what he wants as an adult making his own choices or whether this isn't right. I've got used to it over time.

We can't do things together much as he's usually skint so it's down to me to get a sitter, pay, transport etc. But his social events are as above, my time is child based. I've tried organising girls nights, mums nights but they just don't align/work out so to keep friendships we contine to meet at soft plays or parks.

Is this life now, together but separate. I tell him everything, he tells me nothing. But maybe that's how marriage ends up.

He is an ass. Two options divorce him or move off base and build your own life and he comes home a weekends.

From your post I can’t really see anything he contributes to you and your children. What’s keeping you in this relationship? It sounds like your life would be no different if you separated.

exactly this
get out - use your money to support a more satisfactory life rather than paying off his debts.

I think you should consider your future because I doubt he will change. Would you be better off apart? Sounds like he wants to live as a single man.

At least now you have your children. When they are grown you will be on your own. He won’t suddenly change his habits. Don’t waste your life. Get out!

My guess is because it's really, really common for those in the forces to have problematic relationship with alcohol, and it's easier for him to justify it when he's "just" out with his mates.

But he's older, and probably more senior, and being permanently out on the lash is not good. Especially as it's leading to a neglectful attitude to his family.

Something's got to give - and if he's not responsive to stepping up, then you need to start thinking about what you would like your life to be like. Including how often you want your DC to be changing schools (which may become a more important for later primary and secondary schooling)

D.I.V.O.R.C.E. And asap, just read that out to my husband who's ex army and just got an eye roll, marriage is a partnership, respect, love, is it always perfect no. You have children to experience a family. Yours must be miserable like you and if their not they soon will be. Life's to short, get the hell out

What are you getting out of staying with him op?

The only plus I see in this relationship is cheap housing, but if you weren’t responsible for his debts that would not be a problem.

I can’t see a single positive point you have made about him, @Flowersandbubblegum . Do you want to stay in the marriage?

It currently seems he has two families and unfortunately his Army family are more fun than his actual one. I’m so sorry but I can’t see this changing.

This may or may not be normal for a military man but its not good enough for a husband and father. Its terrible behaviour. And it won’t change. He likes it like this.

You don’t like it and you shouldn’t like it! He is utterly useless.

But the OP married her soldier husband.
Presumably she knew a bit about life?
Just yesterday there was a thread about how unfit husbands and/or fathers policemen are.
Surely, I wouldn't even look into these waters.

But that only comes with the benefit of experience @GingerPirate
20 something me would have probably found a soldier muscly and appealing.
40 something me wouldn't touch one with a barge pole

He has forgotten his age when he goes out boozing with the younger lads

He has forgotten he is married

with children !

he needs to grow up, and take responsibility for his life and the (single man ) way he lives it.

Thankyou for all your comments, it really helps me knowing I'm not asking too much.

Sometimes I think because I'm the default parent I'm being a stick in the mud and I know morale is a big part of his job. I don't want to ruin that.

For me it's the communication that's the issue. It's highlighting that we aren't close. Most partners, would come home and be like X did this, we saw this happen..., it was good to see X and X they said hello....

Stuff like that.

But there's nothing.

To be fair, I have met a lot of women whose husbands are not military who behave exactly the same as when they were single. But it is not sustainable or fair to you.

I am married to a soldier and I can assure you, our relationship is 100% NOT what you describe. I'm sorry but your DH sounds like a terrible husband. There is nothing normal about his behaviour and actions as a MARRIED man. You and your children deserve way more than the scraps he's giving you.

I had a military childhood. My dad was never like that.

So you work two jobs because of your husband's debts. You do all the childcare while he's out drinking with twenty somethings so you don't get any money to save from the deployments. (Doesnt he have friends of his own age?) When he is home he is either napping or going out. You're stuck living on a military base. I can't see what you are getting out of this marriage. It's certainly not financial security or companionship or any help with the children. I'd be getting out of this marriage if I were you.

Not expecting too much

Know a few military families and many of the married soldiers have limited their promotions to be more family orientated and present when not deployed.

Me too. My dad came out of the RAF when I was 18. He was a great husband and father.

I'm sad for you Op. This isn't a marriage or any sort of partnership. You are working at two jobs to pay off debts he racked up and he is out boozing away any spare cash he has. He isn't interested in talking to you or spending time with you and the DC, he has completely opted out of this marriage and is acting like a single man. You and your DC deserve so much better than this.

I'm sorry to put it bluntly, but it sounds as if he doesn't want to be married or have the responsibility of being a father. You should make plans to divorce him and you and the DC live your own lives away from the army base. Make sure you claim child maintenance immediately after you separate.

In many ways you have to take the job out of the equation and focus on his behaviour towards your life generally.

Sometimes I think because I'm the default parent I'm being a stick in the mud and I know morale is a big part of his job. I don't want to ruin that.

YOU and your kids should be the morale, as cheesy as that sounds, his family is what should bring his stability and happiness. Being military doesn't change that, sure the occasional social, but you should be the centre of his world, even if he's military. I wouldn't settle for less than that.

But the OP married her soldier husband. Presumably she knew a bit about life?

Oh look an expert. What OP is experiencing is less about the job and more about the person. My DH is nothing like that, he is a committed and loyal family man. Just because someone is in the military doesn't mean they are a slave to drunken nights, OP probably assumed he would settle down in MQs like most military personnel do when they have families and take the pedal off the drinking. He hasn't. That's the "man" in him, not the soldier. You can be a soldier and a good husband.