I thought dh would be better by now - testosterone replacement therapy

[WaffleDogg20]

Honestly at breaking point.

DH been on TRT since beginning of February. Before that we hadn’t had any intimacy in 2 years. His choice.
We have had it twice since then, the first time i had to instigate it and I felt like I was taking his virginity. I ffelt gross and felt like he didn’t really want to do it. Second time he woke up Horny.

His last blood test 2 weeks ago showed he’s at 22 whatever that means, he originally was 6.

The amount of times iv been turned down int he past is ridiculous but I genuinely thought things would be better by now. Kids are at school so we went to have a nap, tried it on numerous times to be pushed away and told he has a “mental block” so I have came downstairs. I have literally no one to talk to about this lol.

I don’t know what to do, I feel so unattractive and unwanted. There is absolutely no point telling him how I feel because I have been expressing it for 3 years and he has autism so struggles to see how I feel.

I thought he’d be back to how he was before 😞

It sounds like he has an emotional / mental problem he needs to work through. He's probably feeling very emasculated and you need to build things up very slowly eg. Start by holding hands, next time move on the hugging or a massage and work on intimacy in less sexual ways. Could you go to couples therapy?

Your moving to fast, he has performance anxiety. It's been 2 years.... he's not just going to be able to pick up where he left off.

Your going to need to go at his pace here and try foreplay etc, make clear that even though you want foreplay for the closeness etc you have no expectation beyond that to take the pressure off him mentally.

He needs to see a therapist

If he doesn't want to do this then he doesn't care about you

Being rejected constantly by your partner is soul destroying

How am I going to fast? I was literally laid next to him stroking his leg and cuddling him, nothing sexual what so ever. We were talking about sex but I didn’t jump on him.

how am I supposed to do foreplay when I’m not even allowed to touch him? He pushes me away or turns over.

These are things both of you need to talk about together, instead of leaving you wondering.

DH needs to build up his confidence again and allow himself to accept and verbalise sexual thoughts. Maybe hugs, kisses, complimenting each other without the expectation that it has to lead to sex. Then touching etc, but again without the sex expectation.

This is a heavy and lonely burden for you OP. I’m sure it’s very tough for your husband but I do think he needs to appreciate that you are suffering too.

Ignore if he doesn't want to do this he doesn't care clearly the person has no idea about autism and the effects it has and sorry I have it so does that mean hubby doesn't love me because 99percent of the time I quite literally have no sexual feelings whatsoever which isn't my fault but the way I'm made. The problem is autism doesn't exactly make you feel emotional which you probably already know and from experience of other things from a friend about hugging when we met the more she went on the more I shut down and eventually cut her off because much as I adore company I hate touch. I know that may make you feel rubbish but it may never change we can't change how we are

You lost me as soon as you said the word horny.

It will only get worse. If you want and need a fulfilling sexual relationship I'd say 3 years is more than enough time for them to sort it out, I'd be looking at separating permanently rather than being constantly rejected.

Don’t underestimate the relevance of autism to this. You need a counsellor who is familiar with the dynamics of autism- there is a charity set up to help with neurodiverse marriages. It’s worth a look. There may be material online that makes sense.

I strongly suggest you have a chat where you tell him-

1. this matters
2. this can be fixed
3. this needs both of you to fix and he needs to help.

Share what you find out online with him and suggest counselling together.

Lastly, you will need to decide at some point whether you want to stay together. It’s possible this can’t be fixed.
Some people with autism are good with sex and romance during the initial special interest stage when it’s all exciting. When it wears off, it can be hard to recapture attention.

💐

Im sure I remember a similar post recently.. I think it was a woman whose husband kept pestering her for sex.

She got very different replies though... funny that

Sounds really hard op, I would suggest to him couples therapy, and to be honest if he won't engage with that , and there's no progress, I'd leave him .
You don't need to live your life feeling like this , good luck!!

That’s probably because it’s a very different situation.

Pestering and asking are two different things to start with!
Please don’t go and compare the two or insinuate that a woman who is asking her dh if they can have sex is somehow unacceptable,

Would you have preferred it is she said -

‘Randy’
’frisky’
’sexy’

???

Anything but the word horny.

I think 2 years is hardly being impatient. It sounds like he needs some therapy, if he doesn't want to then that’s fine. But he also needs to understand you don’t have to stay in a sex free relationship and may well end it

Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5081532-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-11

OP I suggest you take your post to the above thread. You will get a lot more helpful and relevant support.

No they aren’t. If my husband kept asking me
for sex despite knowing I was struggling with my libido, I’d soon consider it pestering.

Op, let him take the lead

The way Testosterone is measured doesn't work for everyone. My partner now has the jab every 7 weeks instead of the recommended 12.
It's easy for my partner to put his foot down as he has needed it since being a teenager and the drs trust his judgement.
My advice would be too wait a bit longer and if nothing changes suggest having the jab more frequently.

Well said! Im also surprised I haven't seen anyone suggesting he's playing away which is why he doesn't want sex.

With regard to his libido, he may have anxiety about performance after 2 years. Sometimes it's a self fulfilling cycle of worry which then affects his ability to maintain arousal. Lots of men get it. His autism also wont help as he may not be able to cope with processing feelings enough to describe this to you.

I get it will be tough but try initmacy in other ways to show your love and let him take the lead. Find some support groups who deal with this too as they will be able to give practical help and guidance.

All of this. That was meant to quote @fromtheshires

After a drought, regardless of the reason, it can be so difficult to get things back again. What else are you both doing to build sexual tension and desire before you get anywhere near getting your clothes off? I am no expert, but I know I am far more likely to be receptive if there has been affection, attention, flirting well before we get anywhere near the bedroom. In your situation, it might need days or weeks of this before he is ready. What used to get him in the mood?

After 2 years without, twice in 12 weeks or so is a sea change relatively speaking. It is hard not to be impatient, but if he has a mental block, he is obviously feeling the pressure, and that will only make things worse.

@Anotherparkingthread ive just reported your awful and ignorant post.

What for?

OP, switching off sex altogether is VERY common in autistic men. Reading around Maxine Ashton and others, will explain this further.

Plus you then have the double whammy of low testosterone. I hate to say it but I think this may never be fixed. I’m so sorry.

If he isn't really interested in being sexual with you, isn't getting therapy, etc, why is he bothering with the TRT at all?