Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

Checking in 🫡 🥰

I'm going to start this thread by thanking the input from the ND partners. Having been around for a while now I have seen an incredible change in the atmosphere of the these threads and 10 feels like it's been a see change. Having ND partners on board really balances the thread out.

I've cut and paste this from one of my previous posts.

Very few of us start our journeys with the partners we care so very much about with a deep understanding of autism or ND and how autistic and ND traits manifest in such a miriad of different ways.

Many comments, particularly from newer posters, are emotionally very raw, and often express challenging behaviours and emotions with deep and complex causes in simplistic and on a occasion clumsy language.

These threads are to give people the space to explore beyond the choppy surface of our relationships without being invalidated. Many of us take a wrong turn in that process of exploration, and that's okay, we may not always agree, and that's okay. The routes are different for each of us.

These threads have quite possibly saved my marriage.

Thank you all,

Daft

Thanks for the new thread 😊

Thanks for new thread @Daftasabroom

Thanks @Daftasabroom

Thanks again Daft. I totally agree with your last sentence.
"These threads have quite possibly saved my marriage"
Even though I don't post as much now, I still check in religiously. I'm still learning from all the wonderfully open and honest people on here.
All of us are at a different stage on this incredibly tumultuous path and we all have so much to give each other.
This is my safe space and I am so grateful for it.
Roll on Thread 11💐

Help! I want to make a will. I have two children from a previous marriage, and I want to make sure they benefit from my assets, as well as DS3 with DH, while making sure DH is not disadvantaged during his lifetime. I think this is fairly standard fodder for a solicitor. DH is refusing to speak to me about it - because he 'doesn't like confrontation', apparently, and thinks it will end up in a row. I said I don't want confrontation, I want to talk discuss it with him together, as a partnership. He looked at me like I'm an alien, and said, 'it's going to end up as a confrontation'. His defensiveness and stonewalling is making confrontation very likely if you ask me! I have been trying to discuss this with him for ages. The last time (a few months ago) we had both had too much to drink and it did end up in a terrible row. I am just trying to initiate a calm rational discussion. Why can't we just discuss these things normally? Why can't we be a team?😫

@NDornotND I spend many years trying to figure out the exact right combination of words to get my message across. I never did manage to do it. Some people can find a way though.

Ooh I had forgotten about these threads, thank you Daft.

I can relate to having to be careful about how to word, and present, information which might be inflammatory. I do a lot myself without consulting, or if its important, I say something like "I have thought about it and I'm probably going to do x, y z, is that ok with you".

I was a bit sad recently when chatting to my DS18 who mentioned he had been carefully choosing time and words when trying to raise something with DH.

Fascinating thread! Just checking in to thank all the wonderful posters who have taken so much time to think about and share their situations with each other. have learned so much.

If I were you, I would go to a solicitor on your own and get a will drawn up that is what you and the solicitor think best and fairest. Then you could forward it to your DH in an email or letter, as a fait accompli. You can explain in writing that you took advice from an expert and have made a will that is fair to everyone. If he queries why you did it this way you can say that you respected his wish to avoid confrontation. Don't keep putting it off though. You need to protect your assets for your children's sake.

I have PTSD following the relationship with my ex. I had grown up as a child in a home with DV then I was a high risk for PTSD. It’s the relationship with my ex that gives me flashbacks and not my childhood. It has been easier to come to terms with childhood trauma then what happened with Ex. I think this is because as a child I had no control over situation, but as an adult I just tried to be exactly what I thought he wanted me to be so I wouldn’t upset him instead of acting in my own best interests. I wasn’t able to be that person and years of repressing my thoughts and emotions has had a lasting impact on me.

It’s very different making changes to yourself to help your ASD child navigate the world a bit easier. That I continue to be able to do. Me and DC often laugh that I am last person that should have an ASD child because I am in DC words ‘complete chaos’ but yet DC is generally a happy kid and I am lucky to have him.

I remember when my ex got things wrong he would say but nobody told me. I never really got what he meant at the time as nobody would have told me either. I had never heard of double empathy problem at that stage. I think it would have been beneficial to me to have known about it. It would have stopped me spending so much time blaming myself every single time there was conflict.

We have managed to have a brief, calm conversation. I reassured him that I am not looking for an argument and emphasized that it needs to be sorted and that I am going to book a solicitors appointment. Hopefully he'll come with me. He says he prefers to be an ostrich - which is all very well for him - and my own personal interests, but not the interests of my children. I'm not sure he understands why I care so much that they are treated fairly. Anyway, I am going to go ahead and book an appointment and hope that he comes with me.

Thank you @Daftasabroom

I really think that your post at today 08:54 is excellent too - could it be worth putting that at the start of every thread?

When you're only just learning about autism, neurodiversity and neurotypicality it's a whole new world and it isn't easy to understand everything - understanding deepens with time and picking up things from the thread and own research. Your post acknowledges that, which is valuable for everyone I think.

👋👋👋
Thank you, as always, for the new thread @Daftasabroom

I agree that the tone on these threads has changed, imo, for the better.
I hope everyone still finding helpful and supportive.

Might be worth saying you are glad he trusts you to do a fair job, and that you are happy to discuss it with him when he wants to.
Then send it to him with the date you plan to sign it, which isn’t usually when it is drawn up.

I can relate to having to be careful about how to word, and present, information which might be inflammatory. I do a lot myself without consulting, or if its important, I say something like "I have thought about it and I'm probably going to do x, y z, is that ok with you".

Me too @bunhead1979
I recently tried (again) to have a chat with dh on a specific issue, to find a way in a collaborative way.
Yep, yet again, not happening. And I felt hurt, unheard and like my needs weren’t taken into consideration yet again.
So I found a solution and told him.

But that’s not what marriage meant for me.

I’m glad you are here, doing well. I was in and out offering support in the early days as veteran of a 34 year marriage.

Covid and the resulting WFH has made DH much easier to live with. Though ever present 🤣.

Not being able to discuss things, with pros and cons, without DH losing it is one of the things I find the hardest. He doesn't understand the concept if healthy debate, or just simple discussion about what to do the next day. I have to know exactly what I want and say it outright, whereas he gets to go in circles about his work day for hours...

@bunhead1979 "I was a bit sad recently when chatting to my DS18 who mentioned he had been carefully choosing time and words when trying to raise something with DH."

I can certainly relate to this DS15 and DH don't really have much of a relationship at all sadly. I know DS loves his dad and vv, but the communication issues just aren't conducive to relationship building. If DS wants/needs something, he comes to me. If it needs to involve DH, I mediate the conversation. It's very sad, as you say. DH and I got together when my older 2 were preteens. At first, I thought his inability to relate to them was because they aren't his children, but he's the same with his own son.

Anyway, the solicitor is booked and it looks like he's going to come with me. I'm glad I broached it, but wish it wasn't such a challenge.

Does anyone have any insight to offer this lady? Her ND husband has lost all interest in sex.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5081716-i-thought-dh-would-be-better-by-now-testosterone-replacement-therapy

Thank you for the new thread.

Even though I don't post as much now, I still check in religiously. I'm still learning from all the wonderfully open and honest people on here.

Same.
Thanks everyone.

Me too

Sorry seen new thread…
Unrelated but can someone settle a discussion I’m having with my dh..
he was to drink 2 bottles of 500ml beer before heading out to the chip shop and I said I would rather he only had the one.
he went in a mood then for the next hour as he said he could drink the two and it would be out of his system by the time he drove and was only 2 bottles..
time frame would have been under 2 hours. Was I over the top?