£550 personal spending per month

[PersonalSpending]

I absolutely don't think I'm being unreasonable, but just venting - so I'll be shocked if people tell me I am.
If I am then I can look at adjustments.

My husband and I divide our money by each taking £550 a month spending money. This amount doesn't include work travel, household bills, family savings, mobile phone bills etc. It is literally our own to do what we like with - we can choose to save for bigger personal purchases, gym membership, hobbies, or blow it all on eating out etc. We do also buy work lunches out of this, but can choose to bring lunch in from home so we don't have to spend this.
All the rest of the money goes into our joint account for bills/savings/food etc.

I'm not here to discuss the merits of our arrangements. But for context, I was the higher earner for 10 years. He is now the higher earner (marginally). We've taken even amount of personal spending since we bought a house together - previously he had more disposable income than me because I had more bills, despite my higher income (previous house was mine, he rented a cheap room and then moved in with me - he paid towards bills/food but I still paid the majority/mortgage).

Husband has had a payrise and is irate that the extra money is going straight to the joint account and he's seeing no benefit of the payrise. I've said he is seeing the benefit as we can afford to pay our ever increasing bills, and he still has a hefty amount of personal spending. He says he's broke.

I've suggested we BOTH take extra spending money and reduce our budget for food shopping, or savings, or cut something else from the household budget, if he feels that strongly that he has no money.

My AIBU: Is £550/month spending money per person a lot?

YABU: you can't survive on that amount of personal spending, increase it.

YANBU: That's plenty, he needs to address his own spending habits before taking more from the family money.

It’s absolutely loads.

That’s not the problem though, the problem is he feels worse off not better off. So what exactly does he feel he’s not able to afford with his £6,600 disposable income per year? What would he like? You’ve just got to talk it out until you can see what the actual issue is.

Twat

Happy to take advantage of your money eh?

When you were the higher earner for 10 years did you both have personal allowances? And were they the same? If so just remind him of that.

And yes £550 each a month and saying he's broke is a total pisstake.

Does he have oversight and input into the general family budget or is he happy to leave that to you to manage? Does he realise how much bills and general living costs have risen with inflation? (And does he have any debt like credit cards you maybe aren’t aware of…?)

We used to have £300 each and I could manage OK but DP struggled as has more expensive hobby, like drinks and food out with friends more than me plus was used to a much higher disposable income in his previous job. So I think £550 sounds fine. Now we earn similar we have actually changed it from personal allowance given first to money into joint account first and we keep what is remaining - we did this first when he got a new job and it benefitted him the most but now I have a payrise is best for me. Why don't you review your whole budget and discuss from there

We do the same OP. We have always taken the same amount each whoever earns the most. We did have a few discussions shall we say (not as far as an argument) when DH wanted more after a pay rise, he didn't want more than me, but he wanted to increase the amount but at the time we didn't have a huge amount and I wanted to prioritise family spending. But it has always been equal, thankfully we earn more now so the sum is more to his liking so we haven't discussed in a while, as it happens I am the higher earner, but if he overtook me and expected more I'd be very disappointed, especially after enjoying equality when I was higher earning as you were.

And I know it's subjective and depends on your ingoings and outgoings, but £550 sounds plenty to me.

Why does your DH feel this way, OP?

Is it acceptable to him that you should both get an increase in your personal spending, as you suggested? Or is he thinking that as he’s earning more he should have a higher personal allowance?

Assuming that when you had higher bills they came out of your personal allowance, the latter sounds revolting on the face of it, a double standard given your history. Obviously unacceptable.

I am not sure how much, if any, difference it would make, but is there a back story where you have ring fenced personal savings from the equity in your previous house, an inheritance, etc, that is making DH feel in a lesser position financially?

On your explicit question, I think £550 probably sounds fine but I do not think it is the real issue.

This is exactly how we split our money. Over the years our earnings have gone up and down but this was set up when I was by far the higher earner. So I think it’s perfectly fair.

DH saves loads of his, I save a small buffer so I have £ for big treats for myself that don’t need to be discussed. But ultimately we both see all of it as shared £.

Whether £550 is enough or not is entirely up to how you want to live your lives. To some it would be a fortune, to others it would be a pittance.

But the important thing is you both get a “pay rise” or neither of you.

We do similar with £600 each. I personally think it’s loads, and save some every month, my husband finds it hard and I think does sometimes feel frustrated that he earns so much money and can’t spend it freely. But he’s not annoyed with me he’s annoyed with the cost of living!

I think it's time for you to both have an evening around a spreadsheet!

We regularly go through our expenditure and see what our current outgoings are and what we need in the joint account and what renovation are coming up.

We do adjust what goes into the joint account with wages. A significant chunk of my income is based on a voluntary bonus which varies from year to year. A good bonus year I earn about the same as my partner whilst on 80% hours and on a bad bonus year I earn quite a bit less. We assume a bad bonus year for the standing orders into the joint account and if I get a good bonus I pay the difference so we contribute the same. When deciding on the ratio into the joint account we try to factor in what we both earn and what money we have left at the end of the month. So it's fair even if not perfectly equal

We both have oversight of the amount we both pay towards the house and our personal spend/savings

We do something very similar - slightly higher amount but it includes phone and travel so we probably do end up with the same just for spends. DH wants more too but I channel every pay rise into savings and pensions as I'm the very sensible one. Thankfully I'm in charge of household finances! I let DH whinge, remind him that my money has to go further as things like beauty, haircuts etc cost more for women and tell him he'll be thankful when he's 60 and he's able to retire because of my frugality and money management.

So what did he say when you suggested both having a bit more? Wasn't that an acceptable solution?

I can’t imagine any healthy marriage or loving partner being like this. It’s a red flag OP for future problems.

Heed with caution and if I were you I’d be saving some of that money in case you find yourself living off on one wage in the future…..

(I mean if he wants a bigger share of the funds compared to the OP. Gatekeeping his pay rise etc)

We have a similar set up and it works for us. It’s not clear if he thinks only he should have an increase from the £550 or not, but I think it’s right that he gets a say in what the amount is. I can also see why he wants to see a tangible benefit to the pay rise, beyond it just being put into the family pot.

I’d sit down with an overview of your outgoings and agree amounts for each pot, so neither of you feel resentment.

Oh and if he thinks only HE should get an increase, he’s being greedy.

So he was happy for you to not see a benefit of earning more than him but now he's not seeing a benefit from earning more than you he's pissed. Men are fab.

It's a manageable amount, but whether it feels like enough depends on how long it's been set at that amount. If you got used to having £550 spends in 2021, and if you were buying Pret lunches and theatre tickets out of that money, then the same amount in 2024 might leave you with Tesco meal deals/home made lunch boxes and back of the gods vertigo seats, which would leave you feeling relatively broke regardless of the objective reality.

Everyone else has covered the fairness aspect between the two of you.

That is a lot of spending money each month.
We have half that and save most it tbh. We discuss spending payrises when earnings go up but we always have equal spends.

I can understand being frustrated about earning more money and not feeling the benefit of it. It’s quite demotivating.

Personally, I find it quite uncomfortable that another person would give me an allowance from my earnings. It feels controlling.

If the bills are being paid, he should be able to keep more of his income. Whether you also benefit from the uplift is a conversation between the two of you.

To be fair to him, although I was annoyed to be on thr receiving end of his rant, he's annoyed at the cost of living and not at me.

He doesn't want to put less into savings, and isn't the slightest bit interested in getting involved with the budget. I send it to him but I doubt he even looks at it.

He did benefit when I was the higher earner. And I get that it's annoying when you have a payrise but no actual extra money in your pocket.

Our personal spending went up last year, so it's not like he's trying to live on what he did a couple of years ago.

I think I'm more annoyed that the burden of making everything balance falls to me, then he rants and raves about being broke. He had a much more privileged upbringing than I did, so to me £550/month seems huge.

There is also no issues with me ringfencing deposits or savings, we are equal with that and he benefits financially from this - just not in his pocket each month.

Does he expect you to take less personal spends then? What exactly does he want?
Make sure he does look at the budget, although I wouldn't be as nice about it, perhaps sit down with him ( like a child ) and go through it under the guise of needing fresh eyes, tell him he may see something that can be changed.

I think it’s fine to have the conversation. You don’t want to be seen to be financially controlling. So having a conversation about spending and allocation of money is okay to me. However I think if they is no room to increase it jointly your dh needs to see where it’s going so he understands why.

What has he said to you in response to your suggestion of jointly increasing with reduction elsewhere?

He sounds spoilt OP! that’s a lot of mental load to carry on your own!

Did his parents pander to him when he was a child / teen? Sounds like he’s used to people doing stuff for him.

I've suggested we BOTH take extra spending money and reduce our budget for food shopping, or savings, or cut something else from the household budget, if he feels that strongly that he has no money

Why would you need to reduce your savings or household budget, if he has just had a pay rise?

Surely keep the budgets and savings the same, and split the extra from the pay rise between you as spending money?

This is why dh and I have separates accounts. I would hate to get a payrise and be told I can't spend it. As long as bills are paid, there's savings etc I don't see the issue. Both of you should benefit though.