To be raging against DH?

[H13]

I know in the grand scheme of things this will seem very minor but I am so angry I can't get past it.

Our little girl is 9 months old, she struggles with her sleep so exclusively contact naps on me in the day (otherwise she genuinely wouldn't nap). She is better at night but her top teeth are coming through so this past week its been taking ages for her to fall asleep.

At 9pm tonight I'd finally got her to drift off when my husband accidentally made a loud noise and she woke up. I was a bit annoyed and we had a sort of jokey argument while I got her back to sleep again. Once she was finally off I stood up to put her in the cot and he purposefully made another loud noise to wind me up. This time she woke up crying and refused to go back to sleep.

She has only just managed to go back to sleep nearly 4 hours later. I understand it was an ill timed joke but I genuinely can't look at him. He apologised when he did it and said he thought I'd laugh but then left me to try and get her to sleep whilst he went on the computer. He only came off it two hours ago and even then wasn't much help and just kept saying she never sleeps for him.

I just get no time to myself, the only time I can scroll on my phone or read and just switch off is when she's asleep. I give him so much time to himself and never complain. I'm honestly so so mad at him I've made him sleep on the couch. AIBU?

Why on earth do women put up with such pathetic childish men. Take his bloody head off his shoulders and start insisting on a adult relationship and a 50/50 split of parenting and chores.

I would have left baby with him to try and get back to sleep and gone to bed. He's an immature twat.

In this case I would. It would be awful but I'd rather hear my baby scream for hours with dad, in the hope that those awful hours would buy my baby the gift of a dad who doesn't wake them up when they're in pain for "a laugh" (read: to punish mum). The alternative is I still screaming as I try to settle, but a dad who treats the rest of the family like shit because there's no repercussions.

She never sleeps for him because I bet he's never tried 🙄

He needs to grow up and realise that he is a parent now not a teenager doing silly not funny things for effect. Does he do anything to help care for his child? He sounds selfish and immature and you are not being unreasonable

I just get no time to myself, the only time I can scroll on my phone or read and just switch off is when she's asleep. I give him so much time to himself and never complain.

Stop this IMMEDIATELY.

My DH is always joking around and sometimes his jokes do go wrong but he ALWAYS picks up the pieces.

If he did that, he would absolutely be the one comforting the baby and getting them back to sleep.

The fact your DH basically shrugged it off and went on the computer just shows the lack of respect he has for you.

Thank you so much for all your replies and advice! I managed to get quite a few hours sleep eventually, and me and DD have had a slow morning. She's been very content this morning and both of her teeth have finally cut through! So hopefully we have an easier night. Me and DH have not seen each other yet.

A few people have pointed out his excuse of her not settling for him doesn't work as it took me 4 hours to resettle her. Just to clarify she wasn't crying for 4 hours she just didn't want to sleep; and when she's tired she will scream if dad tries to hold her and only wants me.

I think I'll have a lengthy chat with DH later about him helping more and prioritising a bit of me time. I hate hearing DD cry but I understand this will only carry on if he doesn't start doing the bedtime routine more.

Few people have asked if DH is usually a twat. He's lovely but can be very jokey and some of them definitely don't land. He loves DD very much and is a great dad, but he's exceptionally lazy sometimes. I'll see how far we get later and update on whether I like him again!

I’d be fuming, how on earth could he think that was funny.

She usually sleeps much better at night its just daytime naps. We have tried. If she isn't contacting napping she just wakes up.

But why SHOULD I have stopped contact naps? Why SHOULD I have taught her to self soothe? Because you say that's the best parenting method?

I love our cuddles and our contact naps, we have a very close bond and I refuse to let her CIO. I like soothing her to sleep. She's my baby, its my job as her mum.

I did not ask for parenting advice. I asked for advice re my husband. I also never complained about the contact naps just that my husband doesn't help get her to sleep at night.

OP is she your only child?

I ask because my SIL has 2 children, one is a 7 months and one is 2.5. Both will only settle for her because my DB never learned how to settle them. Now he just goes out for a walk with the dog at bed time and leaves her to do everything. Both kids are so dependent on only her. She has never had a night away from either of them. She tried once with the oldest when she was about 1.5 years old but it was such a disaster that she came home early.

I completely understand that sometimes babies just want their mummy, but I do also think they need to get used to daddy. She may scream now but that's only because he's not the norm (and seemingly isn't prepared to try).

I'd be raging, that was not remotely funny, is he 12?!

Seriously, tho, time to stop the crap about she won't sleep on him, he needs to learn how to get her off to sleep and give you a break.

I give him so much time to himself and never complain.

WHY??
You should complain. And you should tell him that you need time for yourself as well!

This

I can loan you a spare shovel, and a alibi. I'd have willingly poisoned him while I smiled at his demise. Revenge is all yours this weekend, Lie on, Sat and Sun and bedtimes are all Dads, nice hot bath too. Dad can deal with babs the entire weekend from start to finish. Otherwise he can stay on the sofa for good, his choice

Ugh, he was a dick. You are so not being unreasonable, I nearly cried for you imagining 4 extra hours of soothing back to sleep. You're right to have a chat about how you share out free time more equally, it really doesn't sound very fair right now.

Also, I'd just assume that people who say "teach them to self soothe etc" had babies who were relatively textbook. My first was a non-sleeping, scream till he was sick velcro baby. I mostly just accepted it and thought it was just how he was but did have moments of insecurity when I wondered if it was something I had "failed" on. My second (9 years later) sleeps like an absolute dream, I "taught" her self settling but she was happy to learn it which was what made all the difference. I no longer worry about having fed/cuddled DS to sleep for so long and he's now a confident and happy 12 year old (still a night owl though!).

Glad your going to have a talk with your H, but one thing to say is PLEASE don't refer to it as "help" with the baby.

You need to say "I want you to be a more active parent to our child", "it's your turn to parent now", "you woke the baby, you need to settle the baby" it is not asking for help.

The baby is 50% his, and he is responsible for 50% of her care, the fact he hasn't been doing that is neither here nor there. He needs to step up as a parent, not "help" you.

Yes completely agree. H got caught out with that once and had to go back to work late after lunch. I'd told him not to go in and disturb DS but he ignored me.

Op you have to enforce something similar or he'll never take responsibility

He's an idiot. If she doesn't sleep for him maybe he could walk her around for four hours while you get some sleep.

My DH did this 1x. I gave him the baby saying your turn, you might as well figure out how to help her sleep. (My eldest was a girl too).

I would have given him the baby and walked out the door.
He hopefully wouldn’t be so thoughtless again.

You sound a bit like me. I have a 9 month old and a toddler. I do all the bedtime and nighttime stuff myself but the deal is I am the boss of it and DH complies with the routine too which means no loud noises or other antics.

they never nap in the cot, always contact naps or nap in the car. They both sleep for 12 hours at night in their own beds bar the occasional wake up due to illness or needing a wee (for the older one). Contact napping never caused us any problems.

I would have made him try to settle her. It has taken you 4 hours so it is not like she goes off easily for you either. I would have been livid with him and you need to start reclaiming time for yourself.

" I give him so much time to himself and never complain."

Do Complain! Except its not complaining. Its very reasonably asking someone to pull their weight as a parent and help out without dragging their feet and having to be asked or begged or demanding it.

Many of us are conditioned to be a good sport, to keep a stiff upper lip and to go through trials and tribulations and not be a moaning minney. Gasp. Horror.

Its also because when you've had a baby, you are and are seen to be, in a caring role, also women are often conditioned to anticipate the needs of others, and when you do that and its not reciprocated, it feels very hurtful.

Because this is so commonplace, people can respond as if we are being high maintenance when we ask for what we need sometimes and if they are clearly reluctant because they think its our role to just put up with it, and we have to start demanding that they do something, it then feels like we are being the difficult one.

Watch out for in laws who firmly believe and encourage their offspring to think this is a wife's role too.

Its the wrong mindset, but changing it can be challenging.

You wake them you take them is a good motto. I too would have handed her over and walked out.