To be raging against DH?

[H13]

I know in the grand scheme of things this will seem very minor but I am so angry I can't get past it.

Our little girl is 9 months old, she struggles with her sleep so exclusively contact naps on me in the day (otherwise she genuinely wouldn't nap). She is better at night but her top teeth are coming through so this past week its been taking ages for her to fall asleep.

At 9pm tonight I'd finally got her to drift off when my husband accidentally made a loud noise and she woke up. I was a bit annoyed and we had a sort of jokey argument while I got her back to sleep again. Once she was finally off I stood up to put her in the cot and he purposefully made another loud noise to wind me up. This time she woke up crying and refused to go back to sleep.

She has only just managed to go back to sleep nearly 4 hours later. I understand it was an ill timed joke but I genuinely can't look at him. He apologised when he did it and said he thought I'd laugh but then left me to try and get her to sleep whilst he went on the computer. He only came off it two hours ago and even then wasn't much help and just kept saying she never sleeps for him.

I just get no time to myself, the only time I can scroll on my phone or read and just switch off is when she's asleep. I give him so much time to himself and never complain. I'm honestly so so mad at him I've made him sleep on the couch. AIBU?

The temptation to say show this thread to your selfish, lazy prick of a husband is strong OP!

I would be fucking livid
This is the type of thing my exh would do deliberately, but not as a joke, he would do it maliciously
If this is the kind of thing your DP thinks is a joke I would seriously consider if I actually want to be in this relationship

This

YABU because at 9months you should have taught her good slow practice which means not “soothing” her to sleep and stopping contact naps.
Self-soothing is an important skill for children to learn. Given his behaviour maybe your husband could do this as repayment!

Raging isn't helpful. You are essentially a single parent so I would suggest dropping him out because he isn't part of your team

There would have been another loud noise as I floored him (joke).

I would have walked away and let him settle her.

YABU. You handled it completely wrong. All this "baby won't settle for DH" stuff is crazy. What would happen if babies didn't settle for their mums? Would we get to opt out? Of course not. We just have to learn techniques, or spend enough time with our own baby to become familiar enough to provide them the comfort they need. The moment baby woke should have been the moment DH got tagged in and baby was his responsibility to deal with, even if he was up all night with baby and had work in the morning.

Nothing minor about this at all OP, what an absolute prick. Cruel to you, cruel to the baby and then swans off leaving the two of you to deal with the consequences. Doubtless a long day today as well as she'll be tired and cranky.

Aside from the cause, DH never once left me for 4 hours to settle a baby if he was in the house - we always traded off after an hour (or sooner if we were struggling) unless they needed to breastfeed.

Not at all minor OP, quite horrible and deliberate sabotage actions on his behalf.

I'd sit him down and explain calmly that if he ever does something like that again you're no longer prepared to co-parent with him. I would expect a fulsome apology with no buts or ifs. Stop him if he says "but I thought t would be funny " and say "It wasn't funny. I had to stay awake for an additional 4 hrs to get baby to sleep. How is that funny."
Tell him he needs to learn how to put baby to sleep.

What a horrible, horrible man and excuse for a father.

I'd be raging

And he'd better start practising how to settle care for her right now. Or that sofa would be a permeant arrangement

He caused his baby to be distressed.

His action caused sleep deprivation for his wife.

He's a fucking idiot and has a whole lot of making up to do, starting with nightly settling of the baby.

what he did to you was wrong, but what he did to that baby is worse. She was obviously tired, she needs sleep! and he purposefully woke her up that second time. Its not funny.

@MrsDTucker

You’re right in one way. Who wants to listen to their baby in unnecessary distress? On the other hand I have a friend like you who is currently going through a breakdown because she was the ultimate mummy martyr and thought if she didn’t do something it wouldn’t be done properly. She has been stressed and complained about it for years but it is now catching up with her which is horrible to see.

Some gently meant advice, don’t make yourself a single parent unless you have to. It brings its own stresses down the line and there may come a time when you can’t be there and imagine the stress that will cause you all x

She doesn't need to listen - I'd be going off somewhere and sitting the in the car while he gets on with it.

There are no prizes for being a martyr and not letting your child's other parent deal with them occasionally.

Doesn’t sound like much of a joke to me, it sounds deliberate, a cruel and vindictive act.

What an awful excuse for a human being, let alone a husband and a father.

He sounds warped.

Have you seen other signs of this?

What a wanker.

Well, in this instance it was a singular baby.

But I literally at times had 'babies' crying because I had twins. So yes, their father would often be dealing with one while I dealt with the other.

This sort of mummy martyrdom does no one any favours - you get burnt out, and probably resentful; baby never gets any quality soothing time with dad; dad never learns how to parent a small baby.

I had a terrible sleeper in DC4. Same as you, baby needed contact naps or didn’t nap at all (but was also a frequent night waker)

one night my DH decided that it would be utter HILARIOUS, to use the intercom from the baby monitor to go “RrrraaaaHH” as loudly as possible to scare the shit out of me and the baby.

He thought it was so funny and the teenage children fell about laughing. I’d been stuck in the bedroom for about three hours trying to settle the youngest at this point and I had only just managed to transfer her into her crib.

I was so angry I wanted to stove his stupid fucking exhibitionist “anything for a laugh” egotistical bastard head in.

I then had two more hours of trying to resettle the baby.

It’s been 11 years since he did that and I still think about it when I see him clowning for attention at the expense of other peoples needs or feelings.

He wasn’t apologetic just made out to the kids I was being unreasonable to be raging and “oh psycho mummy is being a kill joy again” vibes.

YANBU.

She "never sleeps for him" how many times has he spent four hours trying to get her to sleep? Just out of interest. How about we rephrase that "I can't be arsed to work as hard as you do to get her to sleep."

The couch isn't enough. He should be sleeping in the garden. Honestly an incredibly cruel thing to do, not a joke at all.

"even then wasn't much help and just kept saying she never sleeps for him."

I think its very easy to slip into these patterns when firstly, you are a kind co-operative person, you want to sooth your baby, maybe you're breastfeeding or on maternity leave and he has to get to work etc

So it sort of evolves and becomes set roles, but I agree with the posters that mentioned weaponised incompetence. He's decided it's your job now.

It all depends on personalities the best route now to how you proceed, but I think you've reached your tipping point where determination sets in.

Part of me agrees. Part of me has this cold dread at the thought of exH going thorugh the level of stress holding a screaming newborn for hours I went through. That only works when you know for a fact deep in your heart that the man you're handing your baby to could never act out in rage.

I get the whole baby settling better for mum thing (my son is the same), but the more dad does it the better it’ll get - and this is the perfect opportunity to make that happen. (My son is fine if he knows I’m not there at all, but won’t settle with dad when he knows I’m around.) So tonight (and regularly), dad can settle baby, whilst you go out and enjoy some time to yourself, whatever you want to do.

What a fucking wierd and cruel thing to do, to the baby and you. I honestly don't think I'd see him in the same way after that. I'd need to see some drastic improvements in his parenting and supportiveness as a partner. I've literally never heard of anyone doing that, most parents of babies would do anything to get them to sleep and stay asleep, what he has done is strange, spiteful and just pathetic.

Stop giving him time to himself if it isn’t reciprocated. And he needs to start to learn how to settle her, it’s ridiculous that he can’t settle his 9 month old child.

The rule in our house was "if you wake the baby, you settle the baby".

I don't buy that he can't settle her. If you weren't available he'd have to find a way. He needs more practice.

I would have happily killed someone who pointlessly cost me four hour's sleep t the baby stage tbh.