To be raging against DH?

[H13]

I know in the grand scheme of things this will seem very minor but I am so angry I can't get past it.

Our little girl is 9 months old, she struggles with her sleep so exclusively contact naps on me in the day (otherwise she genuinely wouldn't nap). She is better at night but her top teeth are coming through so this past week its been taking ages for her to fall asleep.

At 9pm tonight I'd finally got her to drift off when my husband accidentally made a loud noise and she woke up. I was a bit annoyed and we had a sort of jokey argument while I got her back to sleep again. Once she was finally off I stood up to put her in the cot and he purposefully made another loud noise to wind me up. This time she woke up crying and refused to go back to sleep.

She has only just managed to go back to sleep nearly 4 hours later. I understand it was an ill timed joke but I genuinely can't look at him. He apologised when he did it and said he thought I'd laugh but then left me to try and get her to sleep whilst he went on the computer. He only came off it two hours ago and even then wasn't much help and just kept saying she never sleeps for him.

I just get no time to myself, the only time I can scroll on my phone or read and just switch off is when she's asleep. I give him so much time to himself and never complain. I'm honestly so so mad at him I've made him sleep on the couch. AIBU?

Woman blaming.

He thought you’d find it funny? Bullshit. He punished you for complaining the first time.
XH was like this. I remember we were on holiday and DD barely slept. I handed her over at 3am. He handed her back at 8 and went for a run. I’d just got her settled and he got back and slammed the door shut, she woke up. Massive row ensued. This was a pattern of behaviour and I did eventually leave but I wish I’d seen it sooner.

What a total prick. He’s illustrated how disengaged he is with his child and rearing her. What was he thinking?!

Also sorry, but it is quite a cruel thing to do to your daughter too. Does he think she is a toy or something? babies are like the rest of us humans - they don't like being woken up by loud noises when they are in pain and have just managed to get to sleep - I'd be livid..

yep

Same!

Let him deal with the consequences of his stupidity.

The baby not settling for him sounds rather like weaponised incompetence. It's a bit late now, but you very much should have handed the baby to him and left him to settle her when he'd deliberately woken her. If it takes four hours she isn't exactly settling for you either. He needs to settle her by himself for the next few nights while you play on the computer or something. He needs to take his turn and learn by himself how soul destroying it is.

Would you all be able to settle knowing your babies crying? I'd rather do it myself. Not hand her over upset to prove a point.

The baby would be fine with her dad.

How is he going to learn if he never has to try?

I understand both points but personally it would be worse for me to listen.

Solid advice from the 1950 handbook for housewives and mothers. 👍

C'mon OP, you just need to believe in yourself and not despise your husband!

They need to start during the day for naps and OP needs to go out until she's settled. Then move to bedtimes/night waking.

With baby number 2, yes because I'm tired and Daddy needs to learn, baby is still being comforted albeit not by me. Probably not with baby number 1 though! Baby 2 has taught me that.

Baby 2 has also taught me that to have time to myself, I need to take it. This week I went swimming one evening. It was bliss. Kids both asleep, out the door I go, see you later husband I'm going out. Did my youngest wake up? Yes. Did husband manage? Yes. Did he have a choice? No. Was baby being comforted by a loving care-giver? Yes.

My husband used to take time to himself all the time (like yours) leaving me with baby 1, and it felt like an operation in planning and prepping (on my part) to achieve any time to myself slotted around husband. I found going out more stressful. I've totally just let him get on with the situation this time with baby 2.

It's invigorating!

So two things OP- YANBU, your DH is a d*ck about this 'joke' (hahaha not at all funny) because he knows you're the default parent and will just get on with it automatically for as long as it takes to get baby to sleep again. And the second thing is - take time for yourself. On a whim. DH will learn!

I would use this incident as the catalyst to nipping the ridiculous "doesn't sleep for him" mentality in the bud. She doesn't sleep for you either. How convenient for him that he's palmed all the soul destroying settling off onto you. From now on, you take turns, sparked by his stupid "joke".

I agree with @GrandHighPoohbah. Today you have a chat with him and say that after last night's fiasco you've realised that the "she never sleeps for him" thing just isn't working. It needs to change, and the only way it will change is by him getting some practice at it. So from now on, you divide the settling duties between you fairly.

Use this incident to make a change for the better, OP.

Oh god I would be so livid. How dare he be such a twat? He has no respect for you and as a pp pointed out, what a cruel thing to do to his baby.

Has he behaved like this before?

I think it is husbands turn to put 4 hours in to getting her to sleep tonight.
You have a husband problem which has gone on too long as it is.

You are seriously going to go off him very quickly unless his shitty parenting is addressed.

YANBU but I am astonished that you’ve put up with this for so long. I know all babies are difficult and she’s still little but it does sound like she might need some help with sleep patterns. Mine mostly contact napped in the very early days but by 9 months were sleeping in prams, buggies, cots etc in the day. What if you want to do something in the evening? Or (hopefully not) what if you had to go into hospital or were ill? I’d be using this as a wake up call- it’s the world telling you that you should ideally address the sleep issues asap and he has simply got to get used to settling her at night (even if it means a horrible couple of evenings and no computer 🙄). I’d suggest the best way to do it is for you to be out of the room or even out of the house for a couple of hours around bedtime, provided you trust him.

This!
I would make him put her to sleep every day from now on until he can reliably do it himself.
If he argues she doesnt go to sleep for him just tell him he clearly need the practise then 🤷🏻‍♀️
I used to leave home in the evening at bedtime. Go for a walk, go to the gym, have a drink with a friend. Let him fend for himself for a while.

As of tonight, he puts the baby down at night, every night.

You say she doesn't settle for him, but it took you FOUR HOURS to get her to sleep, so she's not exactly settling for you either, plus the more he does it, the more baby will get used to him.

If she's 9 months old and you've done every night for the last 9 months, then you've got 9 months where it's his turn.

He's a selfish prick and he deliberately tried to fuck up you and your babies health - good sleep is essential for good health, he is not a nice man.

Unanimous he’s a prick. Joke my fucking arse. Nah-that was deliberate fuckery.

i also would have handed her over straight away. At 4 hours to go back, she doesn’t settle well for you either so…

The story isn't that "she doesn't sleep for dad" the story is that she doesn't sleep easily for anyone. So dad may as well step up.

Purposely waking your difficult to sleep baby is such a dick move.

I would be absolutely livid!
Our DS is 14 weeks and my DP seems incapable of doing anything quietly and that makes me rage, let alone if he did it on purpose!

and just kept saying she never sleeps for him.

Then he should have her more now less, so he can practice his parenting skills.

Fucking lazy arsed men

I would have handed him the baby and walked off!