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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not socialise with my colleagues.....I'm the manager.

85 replies

CrispyTofu · 23/05/2024 22:58

I manage a small team of NHS Healthcare Professionals. I have never suggested nights out or meet ups outside of work whilst I've been in this Team.

It has been suggested to me recently that this is an issue for some of the team and that they would like to have team evenings out. Some of the team stated that they would feel better supported, more included and happier in the job if team outings were included.

We work in a very difficult field, where staff turnover can be high (this isn't an issue for my team currently nor has it ever been an issue), however it is something I have to be mindful of and we have additional wellbeing support due to the nature of the job.

The issue is, although I really like my colleagues, I don't want to socialise with them outside of work. AIBU to not arrange nights out or attend any? Or do I need to just get on with it and arrange something on a regular or not so regular basis?

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 23/05/2024 23:00

Let them arrange it. You won't be the only one who doesn't want to go.

If staff turnover has never been a problem, I'm not sure what that has to do with it?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/05/2024 23:01

What's stopping them from arranging something?

FixItUpChappie · 23/05/2024 23:05

I don't want to see my colleagues after work hours - I can't possibly be the only one who would not want this expectation of attendance for the team. I like my colleagues too but I'm a busy person and when work is done...I'm out.

orchidsinthemirror · 23/05/2024 23:07

I manage a team too and I wouldn't want to socialise with them outside of work. They're all really lovely people but due to the nature of what we do, I'm a different person when I leave the office.

At work I hope I am professional and patient and serious. At home I'm pretty different! I don't think I have a medium setting between the two so I understand the reticence.

If your team is really asking to see more of you, organise a lunch or an away day (in working hours) instead if your work allows that.

LimeFish · 23/05/2024 23:09

Personally I'd organise a trip to the pub or whatever after work occasionally. Bring a cake in to work on that day and gather at the end of the day to have a slice and a chat for 20 mins, go to the pub for 1 drink (if you can afford to, buy first round) then leave them to it. I would say 1 hour of your time a few times a year. Encourage them to organise their own team.outings without you aswell.

Original poster
CrispyTofu · 23/05/2024 23:14

@orchidsinthemirror this is exactly how I feel, we already have away days. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that feels this way Smile

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 23/05/2024 23:14

Would they settle for a team lunch during work hours? But otherwise no, I wouldn't be socialising outside of work hours if I didn't want to.

Original poster
CrispyTofu · 23/05/2024 23:16

TwattyMcFuckFace · 23/05/2024 23:00

Let them arrange it. You won't be the only one who doesn't want to go.

If staff turnover has never been a problem, I'm not sure what that has to do with it?

I mentioned staff turnover because it is common in other teams who do my job and I have to be mindful of this and be vigilant about my teams wellbeing to avoid burnout.

As this has been put to me as a wellbeing issue I thought it was worth mentioning.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrispyTofu · 23/05/2024 23:17

Crinkle77 · 23/05/2024 23:14

Would they settle for a team lunch during work hours? But otherwise no, I wouldn't be socialising outside of work hours if I didn't want to.

We can't take lunch breaks as a team, otherwise this is would be an ideal solution Smile

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 23/05/2024 23:21

After work meal? Means you can eat and run and let them carry on

CountryMumof4 · 23/05/2024 23:25

Tricky one. Within my team there are kind of sub-groups of similar ages that do things together. However, occasionally (literally twice a year or so) we do organise something casual like a chilled out meal or a few drinks that does involve everyone. I'm quite happy with that, as I really like my team and we all do get on well. I'm very conscious not to have one too many gins, but we do have fun and I think it helps with the general camaraderie between us. It doesn't blur lines - in work, they know that essentially I'm in charge, but equally they know I always have their back both inside and outside of work. It seems to work well for us - at least, I hope so.
If I were in your position, I'd maybe pop along for a couple of drinks and then maybe leave it at that? It shows willing, but not giving too much of your time.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 23/05/2024 23:30

I used to manage a team but stepped down when I became a single parent.

I never wanted to do / organise things like this, even though I liked them as a team. However irrespective of whether I wanted to do it, I did it once every 3 months or so because I accepted that that's what teams wan in order to feel cohesive, appreciated and that they are all on the same team.

It has to come from someone who oversees them as you are the one who should be letting them know thAt they are valued, that you appreciate the work that they do and that's what motivates people.

You don't have to pay for it obviously (maybe one round or a small Contribution to the thing that you do)

But in my experience it's things like this that help a team remain a team. A couple of hours out of your day / evening a few times a year surely isn't that big a deal ?

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 23/05/2024 23:35

My manager arranges a night out once a year, occasionally twice a year which starts 15 mins or so after we finish work. He usually walks out the door bang on time but on these evenings he is always caught on a call and turns up about 20 mins late. He buys everyone a drink, chats for 30 mins and then, oh, it turns out that its parents' evening/his family are staying/something else has cropped up and he leaves.
We all see through it but it actually works quite well.

NewName24 · 23/05/2024 23:37

I do think an annual meal out can be quite nice (in lieu of a Christmas Meal maybe), but if some of your team want to be going out regularly, then it is for them to organise.

It can be a fine line for Managers to be socialising regularly with their Team - can make bringing up any performance issues you need to raise, difficult.

Scarletttulips · 23/05/2024 23:38

The issue is, either you arrange it and invite everyone and give up an hour of your time, or they start to split into sub groups and exclude others / new team members, then you have a high staff turnover.

lazyarse123 · 23/05/2024 23:47

I get on well with all my colleagues and they love going out and I hate it so I don't go. They always invite me and I decline. No excuses I just say no thanks and they accept it. We are still a!l friendly and work well together. Not sure how well we'd get on if they saw me pissed.
Anyway I don't think it's necessary.

NewName24 · 23/05/2024 23:47

Scarletttulips · 23/05/2024 23:38

The issue is, either you arrange it and invite everyone and give up an hour of your time, or they start to split into sub groups and exclude others / new team members, then you have a high staff turnover.

Not necessarily.
In all teams there will be people who want to go "out out" and people who don't want to go at all, and others who might come once a year to 'be seen to be going',, and others who would join in the local dart league but don't want to go off clubbing and others who would join a trip to a sports match but not want to just go drinking, etc etc.
Nobody is going to leave a job that works for them because Kayleigh, Lisa and Fran go clubbing of a weekend without inviting everyone, or Debbie and Barbara do the odd theatre trip together without the whole team having to go.

Clearly, everyone isn't going to be best buddies just because they work in the same team

Original poster
CrispyTofu · 23/05/2024 23:48

Thank you, I guess I need to start socialising!

My team only has 4 people in it, we are very small so only going for a short time will be tricky, I think it's all or nothing. On the plus side, this means that sub groups won't happen.

OP posts:
Labbydood · 23/05/2024 23:52

It’s not really about you though is it? If you’ve been told it’s an issue than you need to address it. I don’t particularly like nights out with my boss either, however I do appreciate the gesture. A few polite words here and there, boss generally departs early and the team can carry on as they want.
Dont be a manager that forgets their people are their most valuable asset. I never really understand managers who don’t seem to like working with people…I’m sure you can survive an hours drinks once every 3 months….

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/05/2024 23:56

I think there are ways as a manager to do this while keeping boundaries.

You arrange the drinks/dinner whatever buy a round or two and then bow out after a time. It’s the best of all worlds.

NewName24 · 23/05/2024 23:59

If there are only 4 of you, surely it can't be too difficult to ask them what they want to do ?
Plenty of people can get on well with colleagues without have to socialise with them too.
It will depend on childcare (if needed), travel, budget, and, to some extent, personality.

Original poster
CrispyTofu · 24/05/2024 00:00

@Labbydood I do enjoy working with people, in fact that's my job. As I said previously, I work in a very difficult part of healthcare. Burnout and stress can be high, but fortunately isn't in my team. This is largely due to a proactive approach to staff wellbeing and resilience but also due to the highly skilled individuals I work with. I am the manager but this is only really because I am the most advanced person clinically, a sort of accidental manger I suppose.

I like my team, I just don't like (for my own resilience and some personal reasons) socialising with colleagues outside of work. However, i can see from this tread that most of you think I should probably do so for the greater good Smile

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 24/05/2024 00:00

Nobody is going to leave a job that works for them because Kayleigh, Lisa and Fran go clubbing of a weekend without inviting everyone, or Debbie and Barbara do the odd theatre trip together without the whole team having to go

I disagree, there are plenty of threads on here when people have been nudged out or felt their colleagues are hanging together and getting closer leaving people out, talking about them, creating an atmosphere.

4 team members who are asking for a night out - to decompress, get to know each other better.

It doesn’t have to be a big night - just a couple of hours fun.

I agree with PP as a manager you need to be a people person and put your staff first.

Original poster
CrispyTofu · 24/05/2024 00:01

NewName24 · 23/05/2024 23:59

If there are only 4 of you, surely it can't be too difficult to ask them what they want to do ?
Plenty of people can get on well with colleagues without have to socialise with them too.
It will depend on childcare (if needed), travel, budget, and, to some extent, personality.

Thank you for replying, yes of course, asking them isn't the issue. The issue is that I don't really want to go, however I can see the benefit for the team. So, I guess will go and paint on a smile! 😊

OP posts:
BetsyBobbin · 24/05/2024 00:05

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 23/05/2024 23:35

My manager arranges a night out once a year, occasionally twice a year which starts 15 mins or so after we finish work. He usually walks out the door bang on time but on these evenings he is always caught on a call and turns up about 20 mins late. He buys everyone a drink, chats for 30 mins and then, oh, it turns out that its parents' evening/his family are staying/something else has cropped up and he leaves.
We all see through it but it actually works quite well.

Your manager is my spirit animal 🙌🏼
"My family life is so very busy that unfortunately I won't be able to make it, such a shame, I really never wanted to go, I've got (insert excuse of the day here)", etc, etc. I work as admin in a NHS clinical team as well and wild horses can't make me socialise with colleagues outside the Christmas dinner.

OP, I'd suggest putting the ball back in their court. "OK Mary, why don't you discuss among yourselves what you would like to do, let me know and I'll book everything, shall I?". Then, approach the event exactly as above, arrive late because "you've got caught in a call" and leave early because (insert your favourite excuse) and wish everyone carry on having a good time before you leave. Like the PP said it above, people might see through it but it works well and they won't begrudge you for that