Page 4 | To not socialise with my colleagues.....I'm the manager.

CrispyTofu · 2024-05-23T21:58:49+00:00

I manage a small team of NHS Healthcare Professionals. I have never suggested nights out or meet ups outside of work whilst I've been in this Team. It has been suggested to me recently that this is an issue for some of the team and that they would like to have team evenings out. Some of the team stated that they would feel better supported, more included and happier in the job if team outings were included. We work in a very difficult field, where staff turnover can be high (this isn't an issue for my team currently nor has it ever been an issue), however it is something I have to be mindful of and we have additional wellbeing support due to the nature of the job. The issue is, although I really like my colleagues, I don't want to socialise with them outside of work. AIBU to not arrange nights out or attend any? Or do I need to just get on with it and arrange something on a regular or not so regular basis?

Original poster

CrispyTofu · 25/05/2024 16:00

MountCaramel · 25/05/2024 09:09

I'd go for an hour after work and pay for the first round of drinks then leave afterwards. The team might feel more comfortable to enjoy themselves after you have left anyway. You show your face, attempt to foster some team spirit and you never know the staff turn over rates might reduce.

We don't have a high staff turnover and it would be a meal not drinks.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrispyTofu · 25/05/2024 16:03

FancyRat · 25/05/2024 10:02

I'm a born introvert but enjoy work socials. The people I work with are good company. We have a laugh on the job so naturally we get on outside of work, too.

I've also had work socials that were painfully awkward too, and I wished I didn't bother (let alone have to pay for the privilege).

And I would agree it's not weird and needy to want to have one or two evenings a year with colleagues.

Managers don't want to overstep but it's just a nice gesture to show your part of the team and the rest of us lowly minions you can't spare any time for.

I don't think of my team in that way, they are all highly skilled professionals and I am fortunate to work alongside them. We pretty much all do the same role and work together every day. I'm just a tiny bit clinically senior to them. I spend my whole working day with them.

OP posts:

PonyPatter44 · 25/05/2024 16:11

So we are talking about five adults in professional roles here, who are quite capable of organising a meal out amongst themselves- has it occurred to you that they are asking you because they would LIKE you to go with them? They like you as a person and as their manager, and feel it would be nice to very occasionally spend some time together outside work.

It sounds like you have a very successful team in an environment where other teams regularly founder. As an experienced manager I would say, that's really worth cultivating, and one quick meal after work once in a while is a good investment in your team.

NewName24 · 25/05/2024 21:31

DevotedSisterBelovedCunt · 25/05/2024 04:56

This whole issue, and the fact that the majority of replies here are going one way, is just absolutely bizarre to me.

From my relationship with my employer I expect:

To turn up and do my job as and when required, and:
To be paid for that.
.
That's literally it. If I want a night out I will organise it along with people who feel similarly, like I do in everyday life. I just can't imagine saying "I want a night out, oh and I expect you to organise it, and it's really important to me that you be there".

If you OP are caring, allow time off, training, take up the slack yourself then you're already going far above and beyond as far as I'm concerned. I don't have any advice but I just wanted to sympathise that you're being put in this situation which is clearly causing you some distress.

Edited

Totally agree with this.

If "the team" want to go out, then, there is only 4 of them, surely one of them says "I fancy going out for a meal, does anyone else want to come?" and whoever wants to go, goes. They can ask you to join them, or not, and you can accept or not. One of them books a table and off they go.

It is just bizarre that anyone is expecting the Team Manager to do this, because they are the Team Manager.

If anything, if the meal is arranged by the Manager, then other people are likely to feel more pressure to go, even if they don't particularly want to.

I don't see what the big deal is about having a pint together after work once a season?
Maybe people have reasons to leave at the end of their working day.

That's when the bus / train goes...... or they need to pick dc up from childcare ....... or they might be off to their badminton league ........ or they might be running a coaching session with the youth football team they run...... or they might be running Brownies ...... or they might prefer to socialise with their actual friends ....... or they might not want to go somewhere that sells alcohol ....... or 101 other reasons.

Original poster

CrispyTofu · 25/05/2024 22:10

PonyPatter44 · 25/05/2024 16:11

So we are talking about five adults in professional roles here, who are quite capable of organising a meal out amongst themselves- has it occurred to you that they are asking you because they would LIKE you to go with them? They like you as a person and as their manager, and feel it would be nice to very occasionally spend some time together outside work.

It sounds like you have a very successful team in an environment where other teams regularly founder. As an experienced manager I would say, that's really worth cultivating, and one quick meal after work once in a while is a good investment in your team.

Yes, this is true and I will be going, I'd just rather not.

OP posts:

SheerLucks · 26/05/2024 15:16

Scarletttulips · 23/05/2024 23:38

The issue is, either you arrange it and invite everyone and give up an hour of your time, or they start to split into sub groups and exclude others / new team members, then you have a high staff turnover.

This.

It may sound excruciating to you but you're the manager and I think you should do it for the above reason.

Waterloooo · 26/05/2024 15:35

In all of my career, I have never, ever known any manager think it inappropriate to attend a work night out with their team.

But I’m not surprised Mumsnet is full of the Performative Professional Career Types who who think it’s not appropriate to make so much as small talk to those they line manage.

Many people in offices nowadays have managerial responsibilities. It’s really not a big deal but God forbid your reports should ever treat you like a peer. Some really do have superiority complexes.

Work nights out / team days / leaving dos are always a pain in the arse and I don’t understand why (some) people itch for them. But a couple of drinks in a pub on a Friday evening is not crossing any sort of professional boundary.

Original poster

CrispyTofu · 26/05/2024 18:51

@SheerLucks there are only 5 of us including me, there won't be any sub groups, so that's no a concern.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrispyTofu · 26/05/2024 18:54

Waterloooo · 26/05/2024 15:35

In all of my career, I have never, ever known any manager think it inappropriate to attend a work night out with their team.

But I’m not surprised Mumsnet is full of the Performative Professional Career Types who who think it’s not appropriate to make so much as small talk to those they line manage.

Many people in offices nowadays have managerial responsibilities. It’s really not a big deal but God forbid your reports should ever treat you like a peer. Some really do have superiority complexes.

Work nights out / team days / leaving dos are always a pain in the arse and I don’t understand why (some) people itch for them. But a couple of drinks in a pub on a Friday evening is not crossing any sort of professional boundary.

I'm not sure if that is aimed at me or other posters. If it's meant for me, you have missed my earlier replies which addresses your comments.

OP posts:

IceQueenoftheWest · 26/05/2024 19:18

orchidsinthemirror · 23/05/2024 23:07

I manage a team too and I wouldn't want to socialise with them outside of work. They're all really lovely people but due to the nature of what we do, I'm a different person when I leave the office.

At work I hope I am professional and patient and serious. At home I'm pretty different! I don't think I have a medium setting between the two so I understand the reticence.

If your team is really asking to see more of you, organise a lunch or an away day (in working hours) instead if your work allows that.

Hi @orchidsinthemirror , Sorry to hijack! can I ask how you do this!!? I also work in the NHS and really struggle with taking 'work brain' home with me/separating work me and home me. It takes a good while to destress from the day and I would love to hear how others switch off from the bullcrap the NHS throws at us. I have a totally different life outside too but struggle to find the toggle switch. Thank you 😀