To not socialise with my colleagues.....I'm the manager.

[CrispyTofu]

I manage a small team of NHS Healthcare Professionals. I have never suggested nights out or meet ups outside of work whilst I've been in this Team.

It has been suggested to me recently that this is an issue for some of the team and that they would like to have team evenings out. Some of the team stated that they would feel better supported, more included and happier in the job if team outings were included.

We work in a very difficult field, where staff turnover can be high (this isn't an issue for my team currently nor has it ever been an issue), however it is something I have to be mindful of and we have additional wellbeing support due to the nature of the job.

The issue is, although I really like my colleagues, I don't want to socialise with them outside of work. AIBU to not arrange nights out or attend any? Or do I need to just get on with it and arrange something on a regular or not so regular basis?

Although I see your approach @ASighMadeOfStone where you say off the bat this isn't for me. They know you won't enjoy it so there's no point pestering. Everyone knows where they stand and it's up to them to arrange something.

Frequently declining invitations or last minute dodging would definitely feel unfriendly.

I like my team and we all get on, I prefer to keep work at work. A. previous poster suggested viewing the evening as work, this could work for me as it would help me to keep my coping mechanism of keeping work at work. My job is not an easy one, I am also not a natural manager, I am basically the manager because I'm the most senior Clinical Professional on the team. I'm not sure if this is relevant, though I'd mention it. Everyone in the team has their own coping mechanisms for managing the difficulties of the job, this is one of mine.

They're giving you feedback that they'd like to spend some time without you, without all the stresses of work, to bond as a team. You definitely do not have to follow up on that. But there is nothing wrong with them asking.

We had a manager at work who came from a place that had her build up walls around socialising with her team. She had boundaries in place. And honestly that was fine. She was still well respected. She did eventually come out for team morale but was still strictly "appropriate" but her presence was really, really appreciated. It goes a long way.

I’m in a small NHS team too. Our manager only comes out in the Christmas do and I think that’s probably about right tbh.

I would just be honest, I am - I tell my team I love them but I'm just not coming. The two social ones plan the nights out. We laugh when they invite me, I never go, I never will. We're all happy.

When I was a manager I didn’t socialise with my team. I was still the manager even if not at work and I felt like I couldn’t relax. Plus there’s the expectation that the manager gets the first round in - I earned less than the team I managed (that’s public sector and wage creep for you!). Outside of work your time is your own- if you don’t want to socialise with them then make up an excuse (‘oh sorry I go to the gym/ have a night class/ look after ds after work so can’t go to the pub etc) but get one of the others to organise something and you promote to the team (‘xx is organising after work drinks at the pub on Thursday. Sounds like a great night - thanks for organising it xx’)

We’re nhs too and the staff survey showed bullying in the team. The team suggestion was to do an escape room one Saturday… because if somebody feels bullied, why not lock them in a room with their bullies on their day off? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

The opposite side of the coin is that work social events can cause drama and encourage unhealthy gossip, particularly if alcohol is involved. I think there is an argument that blurring the line between colleagues and friends can be a bad thing, and have always avoided work socials and letting my guard down ever since finding this out the hard way, in that I told somebody something personal and they used it against me in the most vicious way. Don't get me wrong, I am polite and supportive but my guard is thoroughly up, and people are made very clear that they have no permission to know anything personal about me at all.

This whole issue, and the fact that the majority of replies here are going one way, is just absolutely bizarre to me.

From my relationship with my employer I expect:

To turn up and do my job as and when required, and:
To be paid for that.
.
That's literally it. If I want a night out I will organise it along with people who feel similarly, like I do in everyday life. I just can't imagine saying "I want a night out, oh and I expect you to organise it, and it's really important to me that you be there".

If you OP are caring, allow time off, training, take up the slack yourself then you're already going far above and beyond as far as I'm concerned. I don't have any advice but I just wanted to sympathise that you're being put in this situation which is clearly causing you some distress.

Oh god, how weird and needy and childish. Just thinking about typing something like this as a fully grown adult makes me cringe with embarrassment.

Socialising as part of work life is something I’ve always enjoyed! I’m naturally sociable, I like chatting to people outside of the confines of work and I generally like to make friends at work that I stay connected to beyond the job. I do it less now I have family commitments and work remotely a lot of the time but I still go out for drinks and dinner with colleagues (and former colleagues) fairly often.

I don’t think it’s weird and needy to want a manager to show an interest in the people they work with. I think it’s weird to be so anti-socializing and disinterested in your colleagues!

I don't see what the big deal is about having a pint together after work once a season? It doesn't have to be a night out clubbing or getting smashed and inappropriate. Just an hour chatting. We do it at my workplace and I think it's good for team bonding.

Exactly this. You go straight after work so it’s not late buy the first round and stay for the meal then if they want to carry on you go home. Couple of hours tops.

Thank you, your post has made me a little emotional, I feel like you really understand. I appreciate the time you took to reply.

I think the approach of organising the occasional Work Do, which you view as work and keep it a bit more work appropriate in that you go to a sensible place, drink responsibly and leave fairly early. You can then let them know you can't organise as many outings as you might like due to "family commitments", but you encourage them to arrange informal days out amongst themselves.

Please don't take my reluctance to socialise with my team as any bad feeling towards them. I like my team and I take an interest in their well being, I allow flexibility at work and show an interest in them to the best of my ability and as my time allows (100% of my time is clinical, everything else is extra and I'm not full time, although I work beyond full time hours). Perhaps I need to give them some of my personal time. I would just rather spend my evenings with my child/family or non-work friends. I realise this isn't a popular view on here. I am taking all views on board.

It's not a pint after work, it would be a meal. We wouldn't drink on a week night and I doubt anyone would would to go out on a Sat, all but one of us doesn't live in the town we work in so would need to drive home. Not sure this really matters but it keeps being mentioned to 'have a drink and leave' don't think that would work.

This is a very good approach, thank you. To be honest, I think all our nights out would probably be sensible. We are not a young team and as far as I am aware none of us really drink - or perhaps a night out will prove me wrong!

I'd go for an hour after work and pay for the first round of drinks then leave afterwards. The team might feel more comfortable to enjoy themselves after you have left anyway. You show your face, attempt to foster some team spirit and you never know the staff turn over rates might reduce.

Of course you see that way - you're an extrovert. Extroverts run the world and are used to getting their way, and are happy to loudly deride anyone who doesn't fit into how they expect things to be done.

You prowl the room at wedding receptions, interrupting conversations to drag people to the dancefloor, and call them boring if they don't come, don't you?

I'm a born introvert but enjoy work socials. The people I work with are good company. We have a laugh on the job so naturally we get on outside of work, too.

I've also had work socials that were painfully awkward too, and I wished I didn't bother (let alone have to pay for the privilege).

And I would agree it's not weird and needy to want to have one or two evenings a year with colleagues.

Managers don't want to overstep but it's just a nice gesture to show your part of the team and the rest of us lowly minions you can't spare any time for.

It's not weird and needy to want that.

It is weird and needy to insist on having someone go out with you when they don't want to. Just as it would be in any area of life.

"Come out with me! You're my manager! I'm entiiiiiitled!" Honestly, so weird and embarrassing.

If people were crying and begging, it would be weird and needy, of course.

I don't think it's weird and needy to expect a manager to turn up for yearly events, just to show they're part of the team. People expect that the manager heads off early, so it's not like your being forced into karaoke or shots.

If it was a social anxiety thing, id totally understand, but then you wouldn't be a manger.

@DevotedSisterBelovedCunt actually I’m an introvert to the core but not all introverts have social anxiety and a miserable attitude to other people. I’m not loud or overly gregarious, and I need time alone to recharge. I value having a smaller number of deeper connections over loads of acquaintances, but I still do value social connection and I am naturally curious about others so I enjoy socialising when I’m in the right mood.