How much time do you spend playing with your child every day ?

[mummyoftwos]

I mean engaging actively in- building a tower or drawing something / sticker books together or anything else really?

My kids are 2 and 4.

I ask because we've just come to visit grandma who spends ages playing with them and I noticed just how happy they are and also how balanced they seem ( especially 4 year old ).

So it made me think that maybe I don't do it enough.

My big two are 5 and 3 and to be honest I spend very little time directly playing with them. I feel like my role is to facilitate them to play independently and with each other and will only actively join in if absolutely necessary 😂 the main things I do with them are reading books and puzzles and helping with practical things if needed with crafts/playdoh. We also do baking/cooking and they help me round the house and with things for the baby. I don’t do any sort of pretend play with them at all really but this is how parenting has been for the majority of history, most parents in most cultures and times do not have endless hours to spend “entertaining” children, they have households to run and things to be getting on with. My older two do all their pretend play either together or alone, so in your shoes I’d be trying to facilitate this as much as possible. Sometimes playing with them is fun but I don’t think it’s your main job as a parent. There’s some pretty good research evidence as well to suggest that play should be child-led and adults should stay out of it as much as possible!

Also that is the beauty of grandparents and it’s nice for the children to have the 1:1 attention on these special sorts of visits. They can keep it up because they don’t have to look after them the whole time!

Also maybe what your child is craving is connection rather than play per se. I’m terrible at playing especially make believe games so I leave mine to do that separately as mentioned before. But I do try to make sure we spend time connecting but we do it in different ways. Books, puzzles etc as already mentioned but then also chatting to them about things. Often stuff we see outside or on walks or about what they did at school/preschool etc. I think that is more important than playing loads with them.

Tbh i find childplay rather boring. Mine are almost 1 and 3 and i will be a SAHM until august and once i‘m back at work and they‘re both in daycare i‘ll try to spend quality time with each child but i think more than an hour per day will be difficult as household and garden duties and meal prep/cleaning up after them, getting them ready for daycare/bed takes up soooo much time..

grandma doesn’t have other things to do during her visit/while being visited and depending on how often she sees the kids is not bored by tower building yet.

my dad told me that having grandkids is completely different because there‘s no „i still have to do xyz“ in the back of his mind and he can focus on the kids completely.

With my 5 year old it massively varies from about 30mins to six hours (if we doing a big Lego build - he is slow!). He has a lot of our focus at the weekends but a lot of that will be cycling, playgrounds rather than play as such.

We both work and i organise play dates and he has a sibling. We just do the best we can.

When mine were little this was something that I often felt guilty about as I didn’t spend much time actively playing, compared to my mum who did play a lot, with my eldest anyway, I’d moved away before I had DS2 and DD. My mum didn’t work though, I worked full time most of their childhood, and the few years I did part time was due to a serious health issue I had. They are all older now, 30, 19 and 16. I’d say the one who had the most time 1-2-1 play with grandparent and the first year few years I was at college so had more time is the most needy as an adult. The younger two who had less 1-2-1 adult play are very independent, and well adjusted, very intelligent and driven young people. So I don’t feel bad now, it’s not like they’ve turned into losers in life or have serious issues as I didn’t play with them enough. They both attended nursery full time (youngest 4 days) so had a lot of play there, but again probably more with other children than adults

With our eight year old, not much as he moans I do it wrong. With our 2.5 year old quite a bit, she has in the last six or so months started to enjoyed playing with others, so we’ll play something together at least once a day, more on the days I don’t work.

When they were little, before school, I was at home, most of the day, I made some household chores into play and they preferred the garden for independent play but in the house, lots of time.

Housework suffered but I reasoned, it won't last long. And it didn't last and I don't regret one moment of a bare minimum housework house but hours on train track.

I enjoyed playing, drawing, painting, baking, toys, games, stories, dancing. So did their dad but he did more garden football, park. I am better at racquet sports, so spent hours teaching them swing ball, baby tennis, cricket, badminton rounders in the garden.

Mud swamps, treasure digs, sand pit.

It was fun I miss it.

We chose to bring two children into the world I wasn't going to just leave them to it.

Once youngster became old enough they played together. Big brother was the best thing in the whole world.

I don't know about the long term bonds, they are huge teens now, but they still both love each other more than anyone else in the world, will generally do what I ask, including homework and chores, we all still play games and they can still be playful and enjoy silly fun with their friends, perhaps because they saw us adults at play perhaps it's just who they are, or it was nurtured into them who knows?

For me, selfishly, it was fun, escapism, imaginative, messy, silly. Dad had a long day at work whereas we had made a dinosaur swamp, read in hammocks, had a dance, eaten strawberries and ran through a sprinkler because "the grass needed watering". (Or built future city, created a race track, posted letters to rabbit and bear, created a couple of masterpieces and read on the couch if it was a rainy day).

What's not to love? What would you rather be doing? Housework? Doomscrolling?

Mine are the same ages as yours. It depends - far more in summer, I think, because we go to the park after nursery on most sunny evenings and play with the frisbee and stomp rocket etc. Otherwise, I’ll usually play for ten minutes or so when they get home before I start dinner then DH supervises them playing or vice versa, and after dinner they watch a cbeebies bedtime story or something (but usually ignoring it and playing together) before we go into the bedtime routine. I always read to them, that’s my priority with limited time (we both work FT). Usually they play together though and me and DH are surplus to requirements.

Mine are 7& rising 5 and to be honest they play together more.

I do get called upon to play board & card games but i resist being dragged into role play etc

Most kids really, really love playing with their parents. It is a brilliant way to connect with them. But it doesn’t have to be much. 15 minutes of really engaged play is much better than an hour of feeling bored and so not really focusing. And of course it is good for them to be able to play without you and to not need you for entertainment.

My 10yo will still jump at the chance to play with me and her behaviour is better when we’ve been playing together. It’s a different type of connection than say reading to her or going on a walk together or baking together.

And it didn't last and I don't regret one moment of a bare minimum housework house but hours on train track.

@frozendaisy Completely agree. My kids are a bit older now, two have intense sports commitments, I’m working, life is extremely busy. We started a board game at the weekend and one of my kids has been asking every day to finish it and we genuinely haven’t had time this week. I miss the days I was at home and they were at home and it felt like we had all the time in the world so much.

My ds is grown up now and was a much wanted only child. I think @goodkidsmaadhouse is spot on. I used to play quite 'acively' in 1/2 hour bursts and found I started to really enjoy the make believe. I found it helped him develop his independent play skills rather than the opposite. I think it contributed to a close relationship, kept us talking and connected when he was a teenager and I'm very pleased tgat as a young adult he will still spend time with me.

"Also that is the beauty of grandparents and it’s nice for the children to have the 1:1 attention on these special sorts of visits. They can keep it up because they don’t have to look after them the whole time! "

Agree with this. I am that grandmother and can vouch I never spent the amount of time playing with my grandson as I did with my DC. I devote all my time to him when I have him, a luxury I never had as a Mum.

I have a son who I spend at least half our time together playing with. He’d probably like more. He’s an only child so I try and make sure I play and interact with him as much as possible. The rest of the time I might be cooking, tidying and on mumsnet etc. I could do with more time to clean the house but he’s only young once and the housework can wait. (He’s 4 now).

His dad plays with him too so he doesn’t really play independently for more than an hour a day..

He has started to enjoy colouring in now so he will do that for a while on his own but he does also like colouring and drawing together too.

I think my experience with DD was similar to most here. I would try and join in with her playing with her dolls house or in her playhouse but she would always tell me to stop lol. Instead we would read together quite a lot, draw, take walks along the local riverwalk etc. I would worry at first as she is an only child but when she started nursery they would always say how she played beautifully with other children, so I wouldn’t worry too much x

I'm a Granny and have 2 things to comment - I can put aside life stuff and give attention that I never had as a mother for the time I get with my grandson. I also still remember the time I had with my gran and the toys she had there for us, I have books (a collection going back to his mum) and toys that stay here. If the Grandparents make a second safe space it doesn't mean yours is not good it just has a different rhythm.

I wouldn’t feel bad. My mum gives my LB 100% of her attention and obviously he loves it but she doesn’t also have to work, cook meals, clean up etc etc. it’s the beauty of being a grandparent!

Great insight from a grandma!

I spend maybe 30 mins a day actually playing a game or something. But as others have said, I communicate in other ways: chatting at breakfast, around doing house jobs while DC plays, and we go out and do things together.

As an only DD gets lots of attention but we’ll spend time out & about a lot eg bike rides, parks, swimming , climbing trees, beaches etc

so yesterday she had our full attention nearly all day but that included 2 hours driving, day at the beach

today she’s had a couple of hours in front of the telly (don’t feel bad as outdoors all day yesterday) then a play date so I chatted to the mum & the kids played

so in terms of play at home like playing a game together or drawing together not loads, but she gets loads of attention overall if that makes sense? We’re just more outdoorsy people

I spend literally every waking minute, when we are at home or out and about together, with my two year old actively engaged in play and conversation. I've done this from birth and now it's hard to change! It's exhausting but he goes to nursery four days a week, during which I work and get all the chores done. My husband also works from home most days so can do the same in lunch breaks...and we have the evenings. We also haven't introduced screens yet so I can't just sit him down in front of something. Think he needs a sibling!

A reasonable amount I think, but I do definitely notice a difference in my DC when I make the effort to do more.

My boy is 2 and I spent a lot of time playing with him, but I really enjoy playing so it doesn’t seem like a chore or something I actively choose to do.

I wish I could have enjoyed doing those things, I really do. I so we Ted to be that kind of parent. I was more the kind that saw doing the washing up as a blessed relief from imaginative play. I love being a parent but prefer it now they're older.

He goes to nursery four days a week so it can't be that exhausting?

I think children will take all you can give OP. Regardless of what anyone else is doing as long as you can say you did your best to give focused engaged undivided attention during play then hopefully it's good enough. If you're on your phone or watching TV or multitasking with chores it won't have the same positive impact as the children will feel they're not the priority, much like meeting a friend for coffee who keeps texting someone else. I think a parent's role is of teacher, through modelling and social learning. So play is where it all begins really.