How much time do you spend playing with your child every day ?

[mummyoftwos]

I mean engaging actively in- building a tower or drawing something / sticker books together or anything else really?

My kids are 2 and 4.

I ask because we've just come to visit grandma who spends ages playing with them and I noticed just how happy they are and also how balanced they seem ( especially 4 year old ).

So it made me think that maybe I don't do it enough.

I consciously set aside thirty minutes for each child, or both if they want to play together with me, but it always ends up being much more than that. My daughter (5) and I will plant things in the garden, make a shopping list and go and get the things we need, bake, do colouring together, build marble runs, build Lego, make random things out of junk (most recent was a dalek). My DS (9) is autistic and doesn't want to do any of those things, he wants my absolute attention and for me to either copy him or join him in whatever he is doing. So last night we spent thirty minutes putting a blanket over my head, me going 'wooo woo I'm a ghost', him pulling the blanket off and then doing it again. Other 'games' he likes are me copying him with scripting and then running scenes together over and over again. Or me watching him bounce on his trampoline and talk about what he's doing.

What they want isn't necessarily the play. It's the attention. They want to see that you see what they're doing.

Very little if any time at all frankly.

But before anyone jumps on me: when we are home, it's for chores and work. They play when I run around doing everything that needs doing. Sometimes they "help" 😂. It just means I need to put everything back in the drawer they just emptied, which is not a big deal.

Then we are out for most of the day, and either we do things together, or they do crafts or play in a playgroup or softplay. I tend to be with them in softplays most of the time, but it's good exercise.

Kids games bore me, I don't like staying at home anyway, so I am happy with the balance we have. They know not to expect adult entertainment at home, so everybody's happy. I have no guilt if they have to entertain themselves if we are home for 1 or 2 hours that day.

I think a lot of it comes from how you were raised. Modelling is incredibly important to development, and modelling play is no different. My mum would play with me, not all day long like Bluey's parents, but plenty. We would have tea parties with my teddies, pretend to be adventurers, make binoculars out of bog rolls and go 'birdwatching' in the garden. These are things I've done with my younger child.

Honestly. I don’t really. I watch her play, 5. I read to her and have her read to me. That’s about it. My partner plays constantly, it does make me feel bad. But she’s very demanding of him and his attention and she’s not really like that with me, she’s more connected to me emotionally and wants physical contact with me a lot. I think it’s ok to bring different things to the parenting team.

Doesn’t the evidence mean that the child should dictate the play and we actively engage, but following their lead? Ie… teddy bear picnic is chosen by the child… we let them choose how that plays out and take minor roles, using the bears to eat the food etc… while they throw it all around the room? In seriousness, I thought it meant following their lead and letting them direct the flow of play?

Honestly, not as much as I should. My twins are almost 2. I’d say I interact with them quite a bit, encourage them when they play, talk to them most the day and read quite a lot. We sing and dance and bake cakes. But actual playing ie building a tower, Lego etc maybe half an hour a day. I prefer to get out to the park or soft play and do that type of play. Beauty of twins is they have each other!

No the evidence suggests that children should be left to/allowed to play independently and adults should only join in when invited by the child and should try to then leave kids to their own devices again as much as possible. This is in a setting though where there are other children to play with so would maybe be different for an only child I’m not sure. Look at the opal play schemes used in schools they have some interesting research.

Also just thinking about how play evolved for us as a species. It is only very very recent in history that adults have been involved in children’s play at all. It is also only recent that (particularly western cultures) we have thought that function and purpose of play is to learn from or to interact with adults. There is really interesting research about why children play and the purpose it serves and most of it suggests that adult/child play is much less beneficial for development than child/child play or even independent play.

Mine are 2 and 4 as well. I find playing with them for a long time quite tiring and like to spend the 2 days a week I have them solo (around work) out and about, which tends to be bankrupting instead.
I also feel my answer is not enough and a bit guilty - so you’re not alone. Pre kids anticipated more messy play, craft, baking activities but they’re so busy getting in each others business as soon as you start anything like that - it just feels like refereeing!
I chat to to them as we go around, and we’re a bit silly and I offer stories and board games which often get declined. And will help with the marble run or train set when needed but generally they just crack on and watch slightly more tv than Id like at home.
I think as mums it’s easy to second guess and guilt ourselves about stuff when we’re probably doing ok.

Most of the awake time I spend with them are playing, or helping them learn or otherwise actively engaged with them. It's hard work but pays off in our bond and their behaviour. We travel by public transport so I can engage with them and be face to face, and I take them to activities that we take part in together. At the park I'm with them playing games or climbing up with them in soft play, not sitting on a bench with a coffee.

Try for ten mins everyday. It's doable and makes a big difference.
I keep seeing a lot on social media about how dads and babies get their oxytocin from playing with each other and mums and babies get their oxytocin from cuddling and nurturing so if you have a partner that does good playing you're ok to outsource it!

Love that you manage to spend time on MN to write this though.

Don’t feel guilty. I think most parents dislike active play and find other ways to spend time with their child.
I read in a book called Focus by Johann Hari. It’s a book about why people’s attention spans are waning so much. There was a chapter on children and play and apparently research suggests that you can spend too much time in structured play with your children. It’s not good for them to do it too much. It’s also not a bad example to show them that you have other stuff to attend to. As long as your kids feel loved and secure (which I am sure they do!) then don’t worry.
They may seem calmer around GP than parents as we tend to see the worst of our children - we are the ones they push boundaries with!

I agree with this.
It does irk me sometimes when at the soft play etc and you see a group of kids all form together to play a game and an adult inserts themselves in to it and tries to lead it. I’ve seen this a few times. I’m sure they mean well but it’s better to leave them to it - much more beneficial.

I don't think we actively play that much together.

I tend to pop in/out of play whilst doing a few chores. DS3 has a play room so often solo plays whilst I'm tidying the kitchen. I pop in to play cars/push on the swing.

But I find we're constantly on the go so we go to the park or swimming. I don't really count that as play but I suppose it is in a way.

DS is 14 months and his ‘play’ mainly consists of holding up things to show me, flipping through books and pointing to the pictures so I will label them, and kicking a small ball and following it. So mostly all I have to do is smile, nod, say ‘sheep’ or whatever between sips of tea.

DD is nearly 5 and her play is a bit more involved, she likes role play but gets frustrated as I can’t do it how she has in mind. She often says ‘no mummy, say this instead’ etc. So I keep it to about half an hour after school or I would go nuts lol. DP is much more of a natural

Totally agree with you re adults trying to insert themselves into play - see also adults at the playground directing their DC to new bits of equipment when the kids are obviously still having a good time on what they’re on (I don’t mean when there’s other kids waiting which is obviously just the parent being polite!)

That said - when my older two were very young and really wanted me to go into the soft play with them, I would find we always, always ended up with other little ones tagging along, desperate for me to watch them go down the slide or jump in the ball pit or whatever. So they probably weren’t getting something they needed from their parents.

Grandparents get to do those bits. Isn't that what nursery is for?

I loved playing with my DS, and took every opportunity. It's not always easy with busy modern lives, but it's always worthwhile. Play is how young children learn.

I used to have my kid play alongside me whilst I did things like housework or cooking, stuff I didn’t need my whole brain for, so that I could chat to him and help him out. I did play games and read a lot of books to him and we went out to play at parks etc. I think I took the approach my mum did which was facilitate and supervise, be around for connection and attention.

I'm finding this thread incredibly interesting because of the justifications people are giving for not playing with their children. Of course nobody is saying they have to be played with from dawn to dusk, life is busy, work has to happen, but it would benefit them immensely to have an adult caregiver play with them daily, and the closer that caregiver is to them the bigger the impact.

For me it's something I had a really positive experience of as a child and I natural pass it on to my own children, but I also have training from parenting and communication courses I have attended to do with my DC's disability where joint attention is the keystone of communication. Joint attention doesn't mean setting up elaborate play scenarios and leading the child to them, it's taking the cue from the child and joining them (initially wordlessly) in exploring the things that they are interested in. So with my disabled child that might be them lining up pots of paints and going through the colours verbally, then moving them and arranging them in different ways. I would be helping them with that or naming the colours or even just being at their level and acting as interested as them. But with my daughter it might mean pretending to be a cat/doctor/explorer and letting them initiate the interactions and just going along with them.

I feel a bit sad that some children don't get much of a chance to have interactions like that at home. It's not 'what nursery is for', or grandparents. It's part of parenting and I feel like we sign up for this stuff when we decide to continue with a pregnancy. The benefits to children are immense, not just to communication but to self esteem, trust, resilience, confidence, problem solving, gross motor, fine motor... Not to mention the benefit of oxytocin, that's released just by you being close to your child.

A little goes a long way but there does have to be something.

I wonder if any speech or language therapists have read this thread and what they think?

Absolutely 100% not.

I agree with this - especially the part about balance. I don’t think you should NEVER play with your kid of course but I do think you can do too much of it and that’s not good for them either. Being switched on to them even when they’re playing independently is good so responding to the “look what I did mummy” stuff for example. I also don’t think it’s bad to say no to them once in a while when they ask (when they’re a bit older to understand you explaining why) so that they don’t always expect everything to revolve around them.

Like with most things, balance is key.

FWIW I’m a psychologist specialising in early development and language so… 😊 if you read my post I’m not saying you should never play with your child. Talking to your child and spending time with them is extremely important. But there is a distinct lack of evidence that says that actually PLAYING with them is important. What I’m saying is that you don’t have to spend hours every day pretending to be Bing to be doing a good job. And there’s evidence that letting them get on with being Bing by themselves and/or with other kids may actually be more beneficial in many ways.

Also you can be the easily engage in joint attention multiple times a day by just chatting with your child about the world around them and also by doing normal things with them such as sorting washing, cooking, going on the bus etc. Having children does not mean they should be at the centre of all activities.