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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

When a friend is not a friend

93 replies

PalmEry · 22/05/2024 10:46

Me and my 'best' friend were invited to a big birthday bash for a distant friend last weekend and the turn of events has left me feeling a bit sad and puzzled as to the state of our friendship.to set the scene, This was a catered all day garden party with around 80 guests and acrobatic/ firework displays, a sit down meal and live music etc - so a big deal party, not just a quiet intimate do with a handful of people. I didn't know any of the guests apart from the birthday girl and her partner and a couple of her other friends, whereas the friend I attended with, pretty much knew everyone as they'd previously gone to uni or worked with each other at some point etc.

For full disclosure, I have been suffering from anxiety and depression in recent years and although I manage this well most times, it takes an enormous amount of strength to plow through these events and be sociable and outgoing and chatty with strangers. Best friend obviously knows my history and how social events can be overwhelming for me, so I asked her before the event if she wouldn't mind introducing me to others and not to leave me standing on my own. I don't need my hand holding, I'm quite capable of holding conversation and interacting and putting a ' game face 'on, but I need a little help with the ice breaking part. Well, this didn't happen at all!

As soon as we arrive at the party best friend does one, literally fleeing across the room to chat to her other mates and does the rounds of the room leaving me stood on my own. I understand she wants to connect with old friends so put it to one side and Rather than standing there alone, I pluck up the courage to introduce myself to the other guests. By the time of caught up to her again, I waited for her to introduce me to her circle, but she didn't and actually made no reference to knowing me at all. Instead, I introduced myself and at this point she said casually ' oh yeah, this is so-and-so' and back to carrying on her conversation. This set the tone for the entire day and night - I was not included in any of her conversations, she made no attempt to chat with me ( let alone see if I was coping ok), stood with her back to me, made no reference to our friendship to others (i.e fifteen years of friendship/ travelling together/ house sharing) and to cap it off, made plans for the next day for a boozy lunch, even though we were sharing a hotel room and had already planned a sight seeing trip. There was plenty of fun and laughter being had but for some reason, she didn't want to involve me in any of it. If you were an outsider looking in, you would literally think that we didn't know each other at all and were virtual strangers.

It's such strange behaviour - almost like she resented my presence and showed her contempt by icing me out and giving me the cold shoulder. Before now I would have thought we were the best of friends but I'm left questioning everything. Aibu?

OP posts:
PalmEry · 22/05/2024 11:49

Hopeful bump 😊

OP posts:
PlainChipsandIpads · 22/05/2024 11:55

YANBU. Very strange behaviour, has it been acknowledged at all since? What happened the next day with the boozy brunch, etc? Did you go to that with her?

ComfyButFrumpy · 22/05/2024 11:56

Sorry op, but I think your friend was having a good time and didn't want you hanging around her.
Whether she was just excited to see her other friends, or your friendship has run it's course I wouldn't know.
But she didn't sound very kind to you. X

doyouknowthemuffinm · 22/05/2024 11:59

I've been both of these people- the needy one, and the one who doesnt want to be forced/guilted into emotional babysitting.

It's not on your friend to help alleviate your anxiety and depression in these settings. She wanted to enjoy her evening with her friends in her own way. She probably would have introduced you and included you if you came with the same upbeat vibe as her. But I do understand why ignored you- you're putting a damper on her mood and you'd been needy asking to not be left alone.

Anyway, i've also been depressed and anxious and needed to be babied through events etc. People's reluctance to do this was obvious- and it hurt until I learned to accept no one owes me anything. Shes not a bad friend if she doesn't want to give you what she doesn't want to give. Its unfair.

Hope i make sense!

EmilyTjP · 22/05/2024 11:59

YANBU this is very odd. Are you very attractive? I usually don’t agree with thinking people must be jealous but I just wonder whether she felt she didn’t want to introduce you to people so their focus would be on you and not her, if that makes sense.

StealthNameChange · 22/05/2024 12:00

Yup, she’s just not that into you. Sorry OP 😢 I had almost the exact same situation happen with an ex-friend. We’d known each other the best part of 20 years as well and used to be very close. She used to say I was like her sister 😂 Anyhow, for some reason things changed and she got nasty. I ended up just getting new mates.

PossumintheHouse · 22/05/2024 12:03

This sounds like really bizarre, competitive behaviour. Very 'look at me and how many friends I have and I don't need you'.
Was this party quite far away from where you and 'best friend' lives? Does she have many other friends locally to you?

PalmEry · 22/05/2024 12:04

Thank you both! The boozy lunch didn't happen - in the morning I reminded her of our prior plans, so she cancelled. The thing is, I'm not so rigid that I wouldn't change plans if need be, but I would have liked to have been consulted with first rather than her assuming I'd be ok with it. Based on how she behaved, I decided to stick to my guns and claw back some self respect.

yes @ComfyButFrumpy I'm thinking that too.

OP posts:
Greenlittecat · 22/05/2024 12:07

I think YABU, sorry! It isn't how I would treat a friend, but I also don't think its up to her to babysit you all night, especially if she was catching up with other friends.

The way she treated you was horrible though I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope you were able to have an ok time xxx

aLFIESMA · 22/05/2024 12:09

Well done to you OP for 'getting through' what was I'm sure a bit of an ordealFlowers. I feel your reaction to the situation is spot on .I think she was showing off her confidence/popularity as a one-upmanship over you. You coped though and will probably find yourself reflecting & asserting yourself with this friendship. Well done again Smile

PalmEry · 22/05/2024 12:10

@doyouknowthemuffinm I do know what you're saying, but honestly I don't expect any special treatment due to my anxiety. I just wanted her to be a normal friend and introduce me to some people, especially in the knowledge that I would find these events difficult. I didn't need her stuck to me Like glue all the time. As it was, the people there were genuinely lovely and I had some nice chats with them - but it stings that my friend didn't acknowledge me at all! I felt like I was a ghost to her.

OP posts:
bossybloss · 22/05/2024 12:12

doyouknowthemuffinm · 22/05/2024 11:59

I've been both of these people- the needy one, and the one who doesnt want to be forced/guilted into emotional babysitting.

It's not on your friend to help alleviate your anxiety and depression in these settings. She wanted to enjoy her evening with her friends in her own way. She probably would have introduced you and included you if you came with the same upbeat vibe as her. But I do understand why ignored you- you're putting a damper on her mood and you'd been needy asking to not be left alone.

Anyway, i've also been depressed and anxious and needed to be babied through events etc. People's reluctance to do this was obvious- and it hurt until I learned to accept no one owes me anything. Shes not a bad friend if she doesn't want to give you what she doesn't want to give. Its unfair.

Hope i make sense!

On the face of it, this reply seems quite cruel. However , thinking about it , it is a cruel to be kind response. Your friend has set up boundaries for herself. You do really need to make a little bit more effort. She probably did plan her actions as she did not want you to spoil her time there.

PalmEry · 22/05/2024 12:13

@aLFIESMA thank you for understanding and kind words. Yup, it was a bit like school really with ' look how cool and popular I am '. I have no idea where it's come from though

OP posts:
PalmEry · 22/05/2024 12:16

To those who asked, we live quite far from area and no, she doesn't have many local friends other than work acquaintances.

OP posts:
Mangolover123 · 22/05/2024 12:18

It doesn't really matter that much if you have anxiety (even if you didn't) she still behaved rather rudely in not introducing you to others.

SurelySmartie · 22/05/2024 12:18

doyouknowthemuffinm · 22/05/2024 11:59

I've been both of these people- the needy one, and the one who doesnt want to be forced/guilted into emotional babysitting.

It's not on your friend to help alleviate your anxiety and depression in these settings. She wanted to enjoy her evening with her friends in her own way. She probably would have introduced you and included you if you came with the same upbeat vibe as her. But I do understand why ignored you- you're putting a damper on her mood and you'd been needy asking to not be left alone.

Anyway, i've also been depressed and anxious and needed to be babied through events etc. People's reluctance to do this was obvious- and it hurt until I learned to accept no one owes me anything. Shes not a bad friend if she doesn't want to give you what she doesn't want to give. Its unfair.

Hope i make sense!

Great post. I’ve also been both. Still am depending on what side of the bed I get out of, haha.

It is a combination of things. On the one hand she is entitled to enjoy herself and not feel burdened by someone else’s social anxiety.

On the other, she wasn’t as kind/ tolerant as she could have been. But sometimes friendships do run their course and people are no longer a good fit.

PossumintheHouse · 22/05/2024 12:20

PalmEry · 22/05/2024 12:16

To those who asked, we live quite far from area and no, she doesn't have many local friends other than work acquaintances.

I think this might explain it, unfortunately. She might view your friendship partly as one of convenience based on your location, but as soon as her other friends were around she simply decided to just bin you off for the day. Really cruel and inconsiderate behaviour if so.

PalmEry · 22/05/2024 12:21

StealthNameChange · 22/05/2024 12:00

Yup, she’s just not that into you. Sorry OP 😢 I had almost the exact same situation happen with an ex-friend. We’d known each other the best part of 20 years as well and used to be very close. She used to say I was like her sister 😂 Anyhow, for some reason things changed and she got nasty. I ended up just getting new mates.

Exactly this. So sorry you've been through it too. This best friend says she adores me, thinks I'm fab etc etc but her words don't match with her actions. On similar occasions where we've attended events together and she hasn't known anyone, I've introduced her to everyone, made sure she's found her feet before moving away and basically raved about how wonderful she is to anyone who listens! At this party, where people were swapping anecdotes about how they knew the person they were with, she never mentioned me at all! No stories about our shared history, nothing.

OP posts:
Purplebiscuitwithsprinkles · 22/05/2024 12:23

Yanbu I had the exact same done to me at a wedding a few years ago. I did not expect to be babied but just the odd introduction as I didn't know people. I got talking to a few people whilst waiting at the bar and knew a few people distantly through their friends but that was it. They were sat/stood in their own family/friendship group's so felt uncomfortable going up to them. Went to my room early and then drove home the next day not spoken to her since. Get rid not worth that type of person in your life they are jealous of you for whatever reason. If she does that in public what does she do behind your back. Much nicer people out there that won't treat you like that.

Blueskies3 · 22/05/2024 12:26

Is she a social climber? Using you as a great friend until someone with a better social standing comes along?

PalmEry · 22/05/2024 12:26

Mangolover123 · 22/05/2024 12:18

It doesn't really matter that much if you have anxiety (even if you didn't) she still behaved rather rudely in not introducing you to others.

Thank you for getting it. I mentioned my anxiety in my post as I wanted to not drip feed and also, to check that I wasn't being overly sensitive due to it. But regardless, I can't imagine being so dismissive of your ' best' friend in the company of others. I'm getting the feeling that despite her constant talk of loyalty, trust, honesty as soon as a shiny new plaything comes along, it's out with the old.

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 22/05/2024 12:27

I’m no angel but I wouldn’t have treated a casual acquaintance like that, never mind a good friend. I can see the temptation to run off and catch up with old mates but to leave you standing alone is plan mean and selfish. I don’t suppose she meant any harm - but the outcome is the same.

Winederlust · 22/05/2024 12:55

Mangolover123 · 22/05/2024 12:18

It doesn't really matter that much if you have anxiety (even if you didn't) she still behaved rather rudely in not introducing you to others.

Totally agree. The anxiety is a red herring. The friend's behaviour was poor regardless.

Stainglasses · 22/05/2024 13:08

She doesn’t sound particularly kind nor has she got good manners. I would have thought this information will have an impact on how you view her now.

I’ve been annoyed when my DH takes absolutely no notice of me when we are at a party where he knows everyone intimately (old school or university friends) but I always try to be independent and not needy. But I’d like it if he could occasionally be considerate and introduce me to someone or check in at least once. However, I don’t think you can expect this from a friend.

Regardless, I don’t think you are going to feel the same about your friend from now on.

Errors · 22/05/2024 13:13

Is there any more back story OP? Do you go out a lot together in situations like this and do you ask her to do the same thing each time? Do you spend a lot of time leaning on her for support for your anxiety?

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