When a friend is not a friend

[PalmEry]

Me and my 'best' friend were invited to a big birthday bash for a distant friend last weekend and the turn of events has left me feeling a bit sad and puzzled as to the state of our friendship.to set the scene, This was a catered all day garden party with around 80 guests and acrobatic/ firework displays, a sit down meal and live music etc - so a big deal party, not just a quiet intimate do with a handful of people. I didn't know any of the guests apart from the birthday girl and her partner and a couple of her other friends, whereas the friend I attended with, pretty much knew everyone as they'd previously gone to uni or worked with each other at some point etc.

For full disclosure, I have been suffering from anxiety and depression in recent years and although I manage this well most times, it takes an enormous amount of strength to plow through these events and be sociable and outgoing and chatty with strangers. Best friend obviously knows my history and how social events can be overwhelming for me, so I asked her before the event if she wouldn't mind introducing me to others and not to leave me standing on my own. I don't need my hand holding, I'm quite capable of holding conversation and interacting and putting a ' game face 'on, but I need a little help with the ice breaking part. Well, this didn't happen at all!

As soon as we arrive at the party best friend does one, literally fleeing across the room to chat to her other mates and does the rounds of the room leaving me stood on my own. I understand she wants to connect with old friends so put it to one side and Rather than standing there alone, I pluck up the courage to introduce myself to the other guests. By the time of caught up to her again, I waited for her to introduce me to her circle, but she didn't and actually made no reference to knowing me at all. Instead, I introduced myself and at this point she said casually ' oh yeah, this is so-and-so' and back to carrying on her conversation. This set the tone for the entire day and night - I was not included in any of her conversations, she made no attempt to chat with me ( let alone see if I was coping ok), stood with her back to me, made no reference to our friendship to others (i.e fifteen years of friendship/ travelling together/ house sharing) and to cap it off, made plans for the next day for a boozy lunch, even though we were sharing a hotel room and had already planned a sight seeing trip. There was plenty of fun and laughter being had but for some reason, she didn't want to involve me in any of it. If you were an outsider looking in, you would literally think that we didn't know each other at all and were virtual strangers.

It's such strange behaviour - almost like she resented my presence and showed her contempt by icing me out and giving me the cold shoulder. Before now I would have thought we were the best of friends but I'm left questioning everything. Aibu?

Were you driving you both to the party? If so, you had a use and that was it prerhsps.

I think she just wanted to save 50% on a hotel room and transport and you were a means to do that.

As to there being more of a back story - I've known her for over 15 years, lived together at times, know each others families well, both single, no kids... She has been a wonderful friend throughout the years and supported me through some very shit times, but tbh there are a fair few things she's done in recent months which haven't sat well but I overlooked due to her positives. For instance, if we're out at a bar I noticed she'd always stand a foot or so away from me, which was weird considering she's a huggy, close type when alone. I didn't say anything for months but one night I asked her did she not want people to think we're out together. She didn't really give me a straight answer but putting two and two together I think she was looking out for suitable men and didn't want me to get in the way!

As for leaning on her due to my anxiety in social situations - honestly if you met me, you'd never guess unless you're extremely perceptive. I've developed a good mask over the years but it doesn't mean I'm not quivering like a jelly inside. The main thing that hurts, is I was looking forward to this event as a chance to spend some time together, explore a new place, have a laugh and meet a few new people. Instead, I ended up feeling like an irrelevance or a fly that was swatted out the way. I really can't see her in the same way anymore and it's shook me to the core to think that I really don't ' know ' this person - as someone so uncaring, insensitive and plain rude. It does leave me wondering if I've read her wrong and for all her kind words, she actually doesn't respect me as a person or even like me very much!

Ha! I wish it could be explained by that but she was doing the driving

I have been both people in this, like @doyouknowthemuffinm , and I think her reply to you was pretty much on the money, OP.

The weight of "just introduce me" and "don't leave me standing on my own" when coming from a friend who's talked about their anxiety can be absolutely crushing. You're essentially outsourcing your social resilience to your friend. If you've both had a long journey together that day, she might be feeling badly in need of a lighthearted break with other friends.

It's easy to say "I wouldn't do that" or to claim it's no big deal, but when much of your friendship is based on being your friend's Safe Person, it's an incredibly draining situation.

Depression, anxiety and social nervousness are horrible to experience. They also make you a deadweight on others - I know I was, despite my best intentions and efforts. My lack of enthusiastic, free spirited engagement was very much at odds with a big event like the one you're describing. Needing to touch base with a familiar face made it more manageable for me but was a burden to people close to me.

The friends I've been in a support role for have, at times, drained me to a point of inward despair. I love them and I don't say anything to them, but I inwardly sigh at the effort I'm going to have to make to ease things for them, which is never reciprocal.

Being at a wonderful party like you've described, with lots of friends I rarely see, would be tempting to just throw myself into and enjoy properly. After all, your friend was a guest too, and it's just as much her night out as yours.

I'm sorry you had a tough time, but you are asking more than you think from your friend.

You've definitely given me some points to reflect on. Maybe I am more of a burden than I think I am. A few years back I would have just avoided large social events tbh, because the heart palpitations/ feeling sick/ choking on my words were too extreme to manage publicly, but I thought I was getting on top of it this last year.

I think this is well worded and I am also someone who has been on both sides. Have experienced everything you have described!

I have a wonderful friend but she bombards with me stuff that I am supposed to ‘fix’ for her. Most of which is surrounding social anxiety. I dropped everything quite a few times to counsel her through it but now I get the cold shoulder if I do much as take too long to reply from a text. Because of this, I would never invite her to a group event like this and only ever see her when it is just us two. I feel really sad for her but her anxiety is ruining her life and dragging down many of those around her - it’s been going on for years and she has done nothing to try and help herself or fix it, despite our suggestions to try medication and therapy. I hate watching her throw her life away but nothing I say makes a difference and I don’t want to be dragged down with her.

Your duty to your host is to circulate and introduce and to be sociable. Sounds like you gave it a good go and your friend didn't.

She is a social catastrophe and also - maybe time to make more friends. Some who are actually fine with being friends with you.

Good posts from both @doyouknowthemuffinm and @CountingCrones if she's been a good friend to you for many years, I think you're overreacting to her wanting to have fun with a longterm friendship circle, especially if she's now far from them, especially if you. From what you say, I don't think you're resenting her just for not introducing you to a few people you say

basically raved about how wonderful she is to anyone who listens! At this party, where people were swapping anecdotes about how they knew the person they were with, she never mentioned me at all! No stories about our shared history, nothing

which sounds like way more. You seem to want her to have praised you to the others present, as some form of validation. These people aren't 'shiny new playthings', they're old friends. I don't think she was in the least unreasonable to primarily enjoy their company, and I think that you need to deal with your own social anxiety. If you needed her constantly by your side, and 'not to be left standing alone', then I think you were the unreasonable one. The fact that you have anxiety doesn't mean you aren't responsible for yourself at such events.

It was very mean of her, regardless of who I go to an event with I will always make sure they are ok and not felt left out, especially if they don't know the rest if the group. I went somewhere with my friend and her husband once to a work social where he didn't know anyone but us. She ditched him immediately and circulated amongst our work colleagues. I thought it was awful and I introduced him to some people he had things in common with and he was fine then. Any social occasion if I see someone seeming a bit left out I always make an effort to include them as it is an awful feeling being left out.

She was seeing friends she hadn't seen for a long time and was excited to see them. You are not a child. Your anxiety is not her issue
That doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship.
She didn't dismiss you. She did introduce you when you went over but surely you don't expect her to have to stick with you the entire time? She was having fun. You sound terribly needy

This. I honestly had no expectation that she would stand at my side from morning to night and not move an inch. But to gravitate towards her old friends and not say ' this is a'and follow up with some context to how we knew each other so I could be brought into the conversation, is just unfathomable. Later on in the night a woman approached me who obviously thought it was odd behaviour asking if I was ok and had I managed to meet other people there etc.

If I was your friend op, I would definitely have been there for you.

I am neurodiverse and have anxiety too with social anxiety. When I meet new people, I also feel so awkward. 😅 But I'm also a motor mouth when I'm comfortable. I've had to learn to fake it until I make it.

The thing is with anxiety is to push past those feelings as much as you can, regardless of how you feel. There is science
behind this and I had to confront this with a counsellor. I still have anxiety about it but it's manageable more now I have some tools.

Being socially awkward is a pain and can really be hard. So much so, returning stuff is a pain for me as I have to sit in car for a bit and think about what I am going to say.

So I fully understand where you are coming from. It's not easy at all. I'm sorry your friend didn't help you.

Have you had any counselling for your anxiety? Act worked amazing for me.

The fact is, your friend didn’t speak to you once at the party and was cold towards you. You can’t excuse that.

I recognise the situation. Definitely seen it happen and everyone glosses over it because you can’t argue with someone wanting to enjoy themselves at a party as if it’s much more important than your long term friendship 🙄

Actions not words are how I judge people.
When going to an event with a friend, we would always look out for each other.
She was both rude and unkind.
Time to focus on other friends and to relegate her to a lesser position in your life.
Suit yourself completely going forward.

I recognise a lot of what you're saying. Anxiety is awful isn't it. I too, have to give myself a good talking to before trying to do something like make a phone call or attend an appointment. Ordinary things that everyone else managed with ease seem like enormous obstacles to overcome. Your kind words are lovely to hear. I've had counselling many years ago but not act.

Some people can be weird about different friendship groups mixing, especially if they have different personae for different social circles. She sounds immature.

@OriginalUsername2 and @Jhgdsd yes I've decided to take a big step back as I judge friendship with actions not words as well. Anyone would think I was asking for the moon on a stick, not for a good friend to look out for me and care enough about my feelings to include and introduce me. It was so dismissive and mean spirited. I raised the topic the next day and she swept it aside with ' oh yes I'm not very good at remembering to introduce others'. We were at the event for over 10 hours and not once did she ask how I was getting on it initiate conversation with me. Ultimately it comes down to respect for me - if she can't be bothered then moving forward, neither will I. Time will tell.

I think if your friend isn’t an anxious person herself she probably didn’t realise how much you were relying on her and she just got carried away with the excitement of so many of her friends to catch up with..

You're right she doesn't suffer from anxiety so doesn't get how debilitating it can be, but tbh take the anxiety out of it and I still don't see how it's acceptable to ignore your closest friend and literally turn your back on them to exclude them from being part of the group!

Sounds like she was massively showing off.

Even if I didn't have anxiety, I still would not expect to be ignored by my friend in this situation. Well done to you for doing your very best to get through it. I've been in similar situations myself and I haven't looked at the 'friends' involved in the same light again

Normal social etiquette (which seems to have vanished these days) would have expected her to introduce you around a bit and then when you were involved in a conversation, go off and do her own thing.

She was very very rude

How was it during the meal?

And have you spoken since? I'd be distancing myself a bit I think

Thank you. Whatever her motivations, she showed herself for who she truly is that day. I must admit it was difficult to get through the day but I'm pleased with myself that I did it and came out the other end without her assistance. Helps that the people I chatted with were welcoming. I think it's hardened me really and I can't see myself leaping at any other trips away anytime soon, although in the way home she was talking about a holiday abroad! In my head I was thinking, you've just ignored me for the entirety of the day but you want to go away with me again - no thanks!