When a friend is not a friend

[PalmEry]

Me and my 'best' friend were invited to a big birthday bash for a distant friend last weekend and the turn of events has left me feeling a bit sad and puzzled as to the state of our friendship.to set the scene, This was a catered all day garden party with around 80 guests and acrobatic/ firework displays, a sit down meal and live music etc - so a big deal party, not just a quiet intimate do with a handful of people. I didn't know any of the guests apart from the birthday girl and her partner and a couple of her other friends, whereas the friend I attended with, pretty much knew everyone as they'd previously gone to uni or worked with each other at some point etc.

For full disclosure, I have been suffering from anxiety and depression in recent years and although I manage this well most times, it takes an enormous amount of strength to plow through these events and be sociable and outgoing and chatty with strangers. Best friend obviously knows my history and how social events can be overwhelming for me, so I asked her before the event if she wouldn't mind introducing me to others and not to leave me standing on my own. I don't need my hand holding, I'm quite capable of holding conversation and interacting and putting a ' game face 'on, but I need a little help with the ice breaking part. Well, this didn't happen at all!

As soon as we arrive at the party best friend does one, literally fleeing across the room to chat to her other mates and does the rounds of the room leaving me stood on my own. I understand she wants to connect with old friends so put it to one side and Rather than standing there alone, I pluck up the courage to introduce myself to the other guests. By the time of caught up to her again, I waited for her to introduce me to her circle, but she didn't and actually made no reference to knowing me at all. Instead, I introduced myself and at this point she said casually ' oh yeah, this is so-and-so' and back to carrying on her conversation. This set the tone for the entire day and night - I was not included in any of her conversations, she made no attempt to chat with me ( let alone see if I was coping ok), stood with her back to me, made no reference to our friendship to others (i.e fifteen years of friendship/ travelling together/ house sharing) and to cap it off, made plans for the next day for a boozy lunch, even though we were sharing a hotel room and had already planned a sight seeing trip. There was plenty of fun and laughter being had but for some reason, she didn't want to involve me in any of it. If you were an outsider looking in, you would literally think that we didn't know each other at all and were virtual strangers.

It's such strange behaviour - almost like she resented my presence and showed her contempt by icing me out and giving me the cold shoulder. Before now I would have thought we were the best of friends but I'm left questioning everything. Aibu?

I think the anxiety is a red herring too - I would expect a friend to introduce me to some people, particularly to their friends, and not just immediately disappear and ignore me!

She was rude even without the anxiety issue, so knowing about that and still behaving this way ... she is not a true friend, at all.

I think this comment gives important context. She is happy to treat you as a close friend when she needs you but ditched you when with her old friends.

I agree with those who say anxiety is a bit of a red herring. It is good manners to introduce people to each other at parties, she deliberately ignored you instead.

I wouldn't break the friendship if you enjoy spending time with her but I would definitely be looking to widen your circle (incidentally very good practise which will help with the anxiety, hard though it will be) and take a step back. At the moment the friendship seems transactional and that can cause resentment.

Exactly this.

PossumintheHouse
PalmEry

To those who asked, we live quite far from area and no, she doesn't have many local friends other than work acquaintances.
I think this might explain it, unfortunately. She might view your friendship partly as one of convenience based on your location, but as soon as her other friends were around she simply decided to just bin you off for the day. Really cruel and inconsiderate behaviour if so.

Or she might have just been excited about the night and seeing everyone and so acted like an idiot- not about not seeing you, just about being in a group of people she hadn’t seen

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Valid point. I've not really considered this aspect before. Perhaps we're both a little too dependent on as h other but in different ways. I do know that she hasn't made any real effort in finding new friends locally and I'm her go to if she wants to go out to a bar or restaurant etc. I also think it would do me the world of good to widen my own social circle - I just have to push through the fear!

Sounds like two of my friends. One (A) is rather needy and the other (B) can get quite frustrated at times. She still cares about her, but friend A wants more of B’s time and energy than she is ultimately prepared to give. It is pushing them apart.

OP, you said that you plucked up the courage to introduce yourself to others and make small talk - well done! That shows you can do it!

Just because you asked her to introduce you to everyone, doesn’t mean she agreed or is obliged to do it. She was probably looking forward to a fun and carefree evening mingling with friends she hasn’t seen for ages without the mental burden (sorry to use that word, but it’s the best I can think of) of having to be always thinking about you and having you by her side. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you and isn’t a real friend - but maybe she is a bit tired of you. Maybe a bit frustrated. Because you didn't really need her after all, did you?

I think your expectation that your friend should facilitate your evening was a bit unreasonable tbh.

I think you need to take the anxiety out of the equation. Even if you were an extrovert and loved social situations, she was still extremely rude to you. I've been the anxious person at a function and been the social extrovert, but I'd not have been happy with my friend in your situation and I'd have made an effort to introduce you to people and include you in conversation.

I think a pp has hit the nail on the head. You're a friend she wants around when needed. Someone to share a car journey with, go site seeing and share hotel room costs etc, but will drop you like a stone without any consideration (think the next day and her arranging a boozy lunch)

I didn't know any of the guests apart from the birthday girl and her partner and a couple of her other friends,
Are you judging these friends as much?
All the agreeing with pp that this 'friend' is cruel, cold, insert other nasty descriptor, why would you want to be friends?
It sounds like you've built up this expectation that she's there to facilitate things for you, and you are to be her focus, and you're pissed you weren't on this occasion?

I'm happy my view didn't upset you. I think once you've gotten to a certain stage with a friend, you become like sisters- and it's so easy to be mean and find your sister annoying.

There was an incident where I was told a friend was in tears at how she had been mean/rude/rejecting of me- she felt so guilty she couldn't sleep. I didn't understand how she could feel that way, yet still be so rejecting of me. Now I recognise it as I had put her in a position where she had to choose her desire (a chill evening on her terms) over my need for her to 'be there for me'.

It was only when I was put in a position of rejection because my friends chose their own terms in the moment rather than to cater to me that I started to stop feeling 'woe is me' and unpicked my issues. As a bonus of this ordeal, there is a chance that you'll finally be forced to face that yourself. I do hope that you reach that point, and can keep your friendship intact. Honestly, there is nothing worthwhile in life than the love you give and the love you receive. Female friendships are a lovely source of that, but like in family relationships- you have to give people grace in situations where they choose in a moment of annoyance or pent-up resentment to be not nice.

I also think her suggesting a holiday is genuine- and she's showing you that I recognize the upset at the situation, but I love you regardless. Old me would have also been upset that she accepted the fun brunch plans. New me would have had the grace to let her enjoy that without inflicting the guilt of it on her.

Its taken me years to recognise this and then even more to know how to work on it. I'm on version 178 of myself, and I love myself much more now. It takes a lot of painful work and importantly the ability to see the unlikeable bits of yourself as opposed to just expecting to be loved the way you are.

I hope I'm not being too preachy here!

Can I ask - were you there as your friend’s ’plus one’ or were you invited separately? If the former then she was being mean, if the latter then it’s a it more ambiguous- she may have seen it as you were travelling together to something you were both going to independently. Also are you sure your anxiety isn’t making you see things through a slightly paranoid lens? I can’t imagine purposefully turning my back on anyone. If she did though that was super rude.

I really appreciate you relaying your own experiences as a way of helping me to unpick mine. It's true, we do seem to have crossed the boundary of friendship in many ways and became more like family and with that, there's a depth and intensity to the relationship that comes with added complications! I do now see that there's a lot more work I need to complete on myself in order to get back my emotional resilience and to not always think of her as my go to support when I need it. ultimately, I need to be my own support. She is a person in her own right and there have been times in the past I've leaned far too heavily and I feel that there's some resentment bubbling underneath which with time, needs to be addressed. I get your rejection/ guilt comment too - there was a time a year or so back when she'd had a good night out with work friends, but struggled to tell me about it as she felt guilty about having fun when I was having such a miserable time. I'm still prickly about how she went about things at the party, I'm not quite ready to let that go, but feel down I know she's a good friend who doesn't want to be tethered to me and neither should she be. Onwards and upwards I guess. I'm evolving too, not quite to your version 178(!), but bit by bit. I won't accept that this weakened, fragile, vulnerable, scared me is the finished version. Hopefully one day like you, I'll have halfway figured it out, beaten the anxiety and become a much better, less needy friend in the process. Thanks again. Appreciate it.

This. Can’t believe others are turning this on you and suggesting your expectations were draining for your friend. It sounds like she views you as a convenience, someone expendable that she can simply pick up and drop when it works for her.

If you just move on from her shitty behaviour at this event then you’re basically endorsing her view of you.

if you’re interested enough to salvage this friendship and give her the benefit of the doubt then you have to tell her how you felt and see how she reacts. If she doesn’t own it and acknowledge you’re upset then I think the friendship is done?

“I do get the impression that she doesn't particularly like this version of me and much preferred the fun, more outgoing me. Who wouldn't I suppose?!”

The easiest way to help you on the track back to the fun outgoing version of yourself would be to introduce you to people at a party.
“Jeff and Tina, I have to introduce you to PalmEry. Jeff is a gardener and likes making models of churches out of matchsticks in his spare time, and Tina is into underwater origami…” (sorry channelling my inner Bridget Jones there).

I’m an extravert who is more than happy to introduce myself and make small talk, but it feels a bit like work when you do it. It’s so much nicer when a friend includes you in the chat especially when old friends get together and tell their same old stories to a new audience.

this isnt a friend but im afraid people like this out there .move on make new friends be happy

I'd love an update on this.
I hope the OP stepped away back that non friend.

The problem with being offered support in hard times is that we come to experience it as an integral part of the relationship, and if the helpful friend feels a need to reduce the amount of care and attention, for any reason, it feels like a betrayal. But it isn't. Your friend knows you well and has been there for you during some grim times, but now she sees you as more independent and maybe didn't appreciate you asking for support during a party, even for relatively small things like introducing you to people she knows and explaining your history together. And she's right - you are more independent and you managed fine without her.
She wants to spend time with you, clearly, so she's still your friend. Let the relationship shift a bit and be glad you are managing so much better.

I saw a photo today of Ariana in 2018 next to Ariana today, in 2024.
The difference between the two is stark.
I remember my own mum telling me, “you’re too thin, you’re too thin,” and I just scoffed at her. But later on I saw photos of myself and good lord I really was too thin - gaunt.
But you only see what you want to see when you’re in the thick of it.
I imagine Ariana thinks she looks absolutely fabulous and no amount of talking will convince her otherwise.