When a friend is not a friend

[PalmEry]

Me and my 'best' friend were invited to a big birthday bash for a distant friend last weekend and the turn of events has left me feeling a bit sad and puzzled as to the state of our friendship.to set the scene, This was a catered all day garden party with around 80 guests and acrobatic/ firework displays, a sit down meal and live music etc - so a big deal party, not just a quiet intimate do with a handful of people. I didn't know any of the guests apart from the birthday girl and her partner and a couple of her other friends, whereas the friend I attended with, pretty much knew everyone as they'd previously gone to uni or worked with each other at some point etc.

For full disclosure, I have been suffering from anxiety and depression in recent years and although I manage this well most times, it takes an enormous amount of strength to plow through these events and be sociable and outgoing and chatty with strangers. Best friend obviously knows my history and how social events can be overwhelming for me, so I asked her before the event if she wouldn't mind introducing me to others and not to leave me standing on my own. I don't need my hand holding, I'm quite capable of holding conversation and interacting and putting a ' game face 'on, but I need a little help with the ice breaking part. Well, this didn't happen at all!

As soon as we arrive at the party best friend does one, literally fleeing across the room to chat to her other mates and does the rounds of the room leaving me stood on my own. I understand she wants to connect with old friends so put it to one side and Rather than standing there alone, I pluck up the courage to introduce myself to the other guests. By the time of caught up to her again, I waited for her to introduce me to her circle, but she didn't and actually made no reference to knowing me at all. Instead, I introduced myself and at this point she said casually ' oh yeah, this is so-and-so' and back to carrying on her conversation. This set the tone for the entire day and night - I was not included in any of her conversations, she made no attempt to chat with me ( let alone see if I was coping ok), stood with her back to me, made no reference to our friendship to others (i.e fifteen years of friendship/ travelling together/ house sharing) and to cap it off, made plans for the next day for a boozy lunch, even though we were sharing a hotel room and had already planned a sight seeing trip. There was plenty of fun and laughter being had but for some reason, she didn't want to involve me in any of it. If you were an outsider looking in, you would literally think that we didn't know each other at all and were virtual strangers.

It's such strange behaviour - almost like she resented my presence and showed her contempt by icing me out and giving me the cold shoulder. Before now I would have thought we were the best of friends but I'm left questioning everything. Aibu?

Yes, that's how I view social occasions too. When I've invited her to events where she diesnt know anyone, I've been careful to introduce her to the group and relayed stories of our friendship history to other friends so she can be part of the conversation. She was sat opposite me at the formal sit down meal but spent all of her time talking to the person next to her. Not a ' how's your food ' or banal conversation came out of her mouth. The person say to the side of me didn't think we knew each other as there was so little interaction between us. The more I reflect back I don't know how I can even call her a friend at present, let alone a best one!

Honestly, I see so much of myself in you I cant not comment again. I see that you are thanking those who echo your thoughts, and tell you your friend is not a good friend. You've said that you can't correlate her actions with who you think she is. And that I think is what you need to focus on.

She wasn't being nice to you at this party, because she didn't want to. She didn't want to have to babysit you. No because she doesn't like you, but because she doesn't want to. Those two things are not linked. If I were to guess, she doesn't want to because you can be draining. In that setting she wanted to hang out with her old friends and be herself.

I spent a long time resentful that my close friends had obviously started to not want to invite me out or to parties. Because I had become a needy drain. I wasn't obviously needy or a downer- I wore what I thought was a good mask (like you). But it was obvious they felt it. And my friends, in turn, were resentful of me for putting my own issues on them, and then putting them in positions of guilt when they finally just didn't want me to lean on them. I didn't understand for the longest time and I ended up pulling back from them. Once I'd pulled back I worked on myself- unpacking my issues and working through them.

I'm glad I didn't end up labelling my friends as "bad" because now I am very thankful to have these people in my life. Accepting that they (and everyone) are allowed to not want to give me the support I need, has been life changing.

I wonder if she was misguidedly trying to give you some tough love - if you’ve become an unwitting emotional vampire she might have thought if you were thrown in at the deep end you would realise you were actually fine without her help. Until you get her side of the story you’ll never know.

OP you really need to consider this post. I think it is good advice.

I think I’ve been both these people as well. I try to be conscious of both behaviours now.

I had a work friend who commented on ‘clingy people’. We were friends but I was aware I wasn’t in her 1st tier of friendships. I was good enough to have lunch with and go to some events with but she favoured other women for her 1st tier. It was very hurtful at the time, although I kept it pretty well hidden. We lost touch and ironically she is the one who tries to resume the friendship and it’s me who declines.

On the other hand I have some good work friends that I get along really well with but if we’re in a group situation like a meal I find myself gravitating to other people. I think it’s because I see the other people less and I get different things from them, their humour makes me laugh, they talk to me differently which gets a different response from me. It’s like a more benign form of narcissistic supply I get, which makes me temporarily forget others.

My DH is often quiet and reserved during social situations and has social anxiety. I do what I can to make him feel okay, I'd definitely introduce him to people and refer to things we did together for example but I'd never try to induce him to join in because I'd be worried he'd think I was coercing him into extrovert box that just isn't his bag. I often just let him get on and navigate social situations in a way and pace he feels comfortable with, plus he's an adult and has autonomy. I'd step in more for anxious DC. But the difference there is a parent-child relationships versus a peer on peer relationship.

I really mean this nicely OP but there's not much reflection in your posts about where your friend may have been coming from and what space she was in, but lots about your feelings. You've jumped to positioning your friend as a perpetrator and you as a victim of her behaviour but maybe there's a different narrative that's somewhere in the middle? Your friend clearly doesn't feel total malevolence towards you as she's planning stuff to do with you for the future and had said some nice things about you? Do you have fun with her? There's value in that, even if she doesn't support you. Sometimes anxiety makes you want to wrap things up and get them ended instead of taking a step back and allowing people a bit of lee way. I'd sit with your annoyance a bit longer and really think about whether your friend really isn't meeting your expectations, or whether you are projecting a role on her that isn't fair or whether you can do some more work to get to a point where you'd just shrug and have a great time at a wonderful experience without your friends behaviour impacting on your day, even if she is being a bit of a dick.

YANBU X

I can see this from both perspectives.

You knew four people (her, partner, two friends) which is plenty at an event like this, and you also made a huge effort and introduced yourself to lots more, so you handled the event just great.

I think it's a bit of a pressure to say to your friend prior the event 'don't leave me standing on my own' 'can you introduce me to people'? You were presumably invited in your own right and had people to socialise with, even if only a few. I think that then set up a dynamic where her job was to look after you, whereas really you were there on an equal footing, but with different sets of friends.

It is a shame she didn't make more of an effort to include you in conversations, but positioning yourself as the 'needy friend' in this situation is why she didn't do this- she probably drank and wanted to let loose and didn't want to have to keep checking on you, so she slightly did that on purpose or at least didn't stop her fun behaviour to come back to you.

It is a bit sad she did that, and I hope that if I went with a friend I would have genuine fun with them and want to chat and include them anyway- but expecting her to recall shared events is unrealistic- she was with her old friends and that wouldn't include them.

I think the problem is that you wanted her support and she didn't want to give it, both of you are slightly unreasonable, I would see how she acts going forward but also reflect on your own role in being 'in need' in social situations, many of us are nervous and don't like introducing ourselves to new people, but I wouldn't ask anyone to look after me.

I’ve definitely experienced this. I think sometimes it can feel like a lot of effort for the less socially awkward one to involve their friend in a social setting. I too have felt ignored & left out by a friend in a group setting who is then completely different one to one. It’s very confusing and hard to know what to think. I think it’s helpful reflect on the friendship generally, is it something you really value? Like pp said you can view your friend’s actions in more charitable way depending on how much you want to maintain the friendship.

Your friend was very rude and it is odd that other guests did not realise you were friends why would she ignore you? I do not get why she wants to travel with you if she did not class you as a good friend. Does she try to shut you out when you are around her friends in your local area?

How would she think you would get in the way of her looking for a suitable man? Do you think she would class you as competition? I think if any man was interested he would have no problem walking over and making conversation with you both. If she is standing away from you then people will obviously know your together when you are are talking or sit at a table together. If she did not want to be seen with you why would she go out with you?

My lifelong best friend (my cousin) ditched me in Mexico.
I had to hitchhike back to San Diego with complete strangers after dealing with unscrupulous Mexican police, who drove me deeper into Mexico and dropped me off at some random Mexican cantina and couldn’t have cared less what happened to me.
When my cousin and her friends finally arrived back to their beachside home, she tried to argue that since I was there, there was no harm done.
I thought my head would explode at her excuses and complete & total denseness.
There are thoughtless people in the world, @PalmEry— be thankful that you aren’t one of them.
We are our own best friends.❤️

It took her a concerted effort to ignore you for the whole meal while sitting opposite you.
So rude and unkind.
She has shown you who she is, so believe her and move on.
There is nothing to be gained by giving her space and time in your life when you can spend it with decent people.

There is an enormous difference between introducing you to a few people and checking in on you over 10 HOURS, and pointedly complete ignoring you the whole time.
Who does that?
Certainly no friend.
What she did was premeditated and deliberate.
I wouldn't be used by her for trips again for her convenience.
She has blown it. Glad to read you intend to take a big step back and focus on other kinder people.

I would find it tiresome if I had a needy adult friend that I had to fuss over at social gatherings.

You're a bit old to have your hand held and led around like a small child in tow.

You knew four people (her, partner, two friends) which is plenty at an event like this
This why is it all on her to have looked after you? Tell her all the thoughts and opinions you have on her now and you agree with all those here saying what a horrible person she is. Did you tell her that on your day excursion the next day, or did you pretend all was well?

Thank you for all your responses, it's been really helpful to hear different perspectives and has allowed me to see things from both sides. I have been focused solely on my own feelings and hadn't tried to put myself in her shoes. @doyouknowthemuffinm you have made some interesting points and I'm trying to get my head round them. In reality, I have been a lot of a drain in recent years - my anxiety has effected me in so many ways and had totally changed my life and how I function. As I said before, I'm a lot better nowadays at managing it, but I'd be lying to say it doesn't still cause issues. This friend in the early days of it, was the shoulder to cry on and helped me navigate life and things that I could no longer cope with. Even though I haven't needed such intensive support for a long time, maybe you're right and she's become weary of me and my problems and it's changed the dynamic of our friendship for good. Maybe she did just want to let her hair down and have fun with old friends without having to concern herself with how I was doing. I understand that people can reach their limits and perhaps this is hers.

The day after the event I did have a talk with her about how upset I was and she admitted that it was difficult for her to reconcile the anxious, nervy person I now was with the sociable, ambitious friend I used to be. There's not much I can do about that - I would give anything to go back to bring that carefree person too, but other than to keep on trying to push through, I can only try my best. I do get the impression that she doesn't particularly like this version of me and much preferred the fun, more outgoing me. Who wouldn't I suppose?!

A friend would automatically introduce/include another friend who knew less people . She was rude and unkind.

I wonder if she struggles with you needing support and this was her putting a boundary in place.

Until you suffer from anxiety you don't get it.

Or she needed a break from being the OP’s Support Human and wanted fun with old friends without emotional baggage.

It’s hard having anxiety/depression. It can be life destroying.

It’s also hard being the go-to friend of someone with anxiety/depression.

As I’ve said upthread, I’ve been both, like @doyouknowthemuffinm , and I can see both people’s perspective. I think the OP would get scoring an own goal to cut off this otherwise good friend over one party.

Huge kudos to you for this post OP. Very self reflective.

I know this must be tough. I’ve been there myself and didn’t realise how draining I had been on some of my friends. I once looked back on a text conversation and it was reams and teams of me being ‘poor me’ to a friend of mine over quite a long period of time and it was a wake up call. Before I read it, I was very hurt that she was pushing me away. Even harder to deal with if you have social anxiety but it’s one of life’s learning curves. Anxiety is horrible to experience and it’s especially cruel because it does make us behave a bit selfishly sometimes and can push those people away who are closest to you. It can also make us quite boring (in my case - if it’s all you think about then it’s all you talk about)

For me, it made me start keeping more of my anxious thoughts to myself and it has actually helped me. I don’t feel the need to talk about everything that bothers me to other people anymore. This makes me think about it less and the time I spend with others is now a welcome distraction. I do believe it’s one of the many factors involved in me getting back to my old self.

@CountingCrones

The weight of "just introduce me" and "don't leave me standing on my own" when coming from a friend who's talked about their anxiety can be absolutely crushing. You're essentially outsourcing your social resilience to your friend. If you've both had a long journey together that day, she might be feeling badly in need of a lighthearted break with other friends.

It's easy to say "I wouldn't do that" or to claim it's no big deal, but when much of your friendship is based on being your friend's Safe Person, it's an incredibly draining situation.

But why share a hotelroom together or go out to a bar if you don't want to be seen with this person? It makes no sense to make such close plans and then to pretend the person you traveled with is someone you barely know.

What's worse is that the "friend" actively tried to shut out OP from conversations by turning her back to her. Turning you back to someone who is part of a group conversation sends the loud message that you don't want to talk to this person and you don't want them to be part of the group.

@PalmEry How did she respond when you reminded her of the sightseeing plans she had forgotten about?

Good update, OP. Based on that, I'd say don't pull back from the friendship. Give her the benefit of the doubt. It sounds to me like she's weary of being your crutch and yes, maybe she does miss the old you. That's understandable, but it's nobody's fault. She's still there, doing her best to be your friend. She drove you there, she wants to go on holiday with you etc. It sounds like she just got excited to see her old friends, had a drink and shrugged off the responsibility you tried to give her. If I were you I'd acknowledge that you've leaned on her a lot over the years and use this experience to gain self awareness. Maybe you would benefit from some counselling or some other support. Or maybe expanding your own network would push you out of your comfort zone and mean you aren't relying too much on any one person. Maybe there are other things you can do to help you take responsibility for yourself in social situations.

I've also been both people in similar scenarios. I'm not really sure anyone is to blame, but you need to both understand the limits of the friendship.

Yes, that part I don't get either. Although I'm being more generous by trying to see things from her perspective as well, I'm still upset at the way she went about things. I don't think there's any excuse for totally ignoring me the entire day and actively turning her back to me. She could have given me the heads up beforehand and told me I wasn't to expect her being around much as she wanted to primarily catch up with old friends. Yes, I probably would have been upset by that ( thanks anxiety!) But At least I could have been more mentally prepared.

At first she was pissed when I reminded her about the sightseeing by backtracking and saying ' nothing was set in stone etc' even though we'd talked in detail about it! But to get credit, she did cancel the brunch date

I think you and her need to have a frank chat about where you stand with each other. It's fine for her to be wary and it's fine for you not to be up to certain social events. However, in my opinion, when you make plans with one another, you're either all in or all out. I If that is not possible or circumtances change, than the other person needs to know about it and not be put on the spot. Such awkward situations are entirely avoidable.

I think openness is key in this situation.

As with most situations - there is right and wrong on both parts here. Yes, your friend could have handled it better and that is for her to self reflect.

Although I'm being more generous by trying to see things from her perspective as well whys that you being generous?
If it is an equal friendship and you don't expect her to be your 'support human' without question, surely her perspective should always be considered?