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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like people coming to visit my baby?

79 replies

SuperintendentBattle · 22/05/2024 08:44

I know, I sound like a total grouch, but I've really not enjoyed people coming to visit my baby. I'm a FTM to a 3 month old and I find it a faff. The timing always seems to be off, landing when DD needs to nap or feed. We don't follow a strict schedule or anything so it's not like there's a time that I can reliably tell people to come that she'll be awake, and she only contact naps so I can't even sit with people and chat while she's asleep. I also find it an effort to get myself dressed properly and to tidy up the house, and then make sure I have something to serve people. DD often starts fussing/crying and it's not like I can even have a good conversation with people when that happens!

I know people will say I don't need to worry about tidying or food, but even that aside, I just find the whole thing tedious and a bit stressful and wishing people would leave when they're here. Quite a few people do things I don't really like either, like kissing the baby on the face or not washing their hands. I often find myself trying to put off visits just because I can't be bothered. I did have PPA for the first couple of months but feel pretty fine now, I just don't really enjoy the visits!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Didimum · 22/05/2024 08:52

How often do people visit? I think this is reasonable in the earlier days, but at 3 months + I think it’s good for everyone to start being more social and getting a routine formed.

Maddy70 · 22/05/2024 08:55

I found visiting others was much easier. All on your terms and can leave when you want

UntiltheGirl · 22/05/2024 08:56

Go and visit them at a time that suits? Or just say 'no visitors till further notice'?

HolyMoly24 · 22/05/2024 08:59

I would only allow visits when your partner is there too to either help with the baby or to do all the serving of tea etc.

You could always keep the visit to half an hour by saying the HV is due to arrive etc. I didn't mind visits but some people stayed waaay too long.

Original poster
SuperintendentBattle · 22/05/2024 09:03

@HolyMoly24 Yes, last weekend we had people who stayed for hours! This is another peeve of mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperintendentBattle · 22/05/2024 09:08

@Didimum Grandparents come a few times a week and then maybe one other set of people every week or two.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 22/05/2024 09:09

Hi OP, if you had people last weekend who stayed for hours and you hadn't either said yes to this level of visit or even expected it in advance I'm not a bit surprised you're feeling pissed off with visits. They outstayed their welcome and your baby us still pretty new and you are still adjusting to being a mum and you need your own space, not people coming round for hours expecting to hold the baby when it's not appropriate and probably expecting you to feed them too.
Who are these cheeky fuckers who think your weekend belongs to them?
Congratulations on your baby. Flowers

Isitisit · 22/05/2024 09:19

Can you try and set expectations before visits?

I’m due in July and have told my family now that they are welcome as long as they tell me in advance and don’t mind me kicking them out after about an hour as baby and I will need rest.

bluesky45 · 22/05/2024 09:20

Why can't you talk to people while your baby naps? They nap on you or on one of your guests, you carry on the conversation while they sleep. Same with feeding. They are 3 months old though, aren't you past all the newborn visits phase and just settled into normal life with a baby where you see people you want to see whenever suits, similar to what you did pre baby? Except for grandparents of course

OrangeSlices998 · 22/05/2024 09:21

YANBU. Set boundaries you feel comfortable with, or arrange to meet people for a walk or at their house. With family you should, I hope, feel able to say ‘having visitors is a lot for me right now, we’d love to come to you’. Can you use their visits to go for a walk by yourself, shower, take some alone time? Who’s initiating these visits?

DrJump · 22/05/2024 09:23

If she only contact naps could you just sit on the couch and chat while she sleeps. With family let them know where the tea is then they can make you a cup.

DuploTrain · 22/05/2024 09:27

I do sympathise because my first DS was a very fussy baby and a contact napper and I found it really hard to get anything done because I was stuck under a sleeping baby all day.

But I loved having visitors because they could bring me drinks and it was nice to have someone to chat to while he was napping on me. And they would have to just make their own drinks / help themselves.

Original poster
SuperintendentBattle · 22/05/2024 09:28

She's very sensitive to noise so I can't chat around her, she often wakes up even if I just move slightly. Also I was in hospital when she was an early newborn so a lot of friends and extend family still haven't met her.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 22/05/2024 09:30

I definitely wouldn’t be tidying up or serving food for grandparents. They can help with the housework and make their own cups of tea if they want.

JollyHostess101 · 22/05/2024 09:30

SuperintendentBattle · 22/05/2024 09:03

@HolyMoly24 Yes, last weekend we had people who stayed for hours! This is another peeve of mine.

Always give them a time to leave or you leave because of xyz reason the amount for HV appointments we’ve “had” is enormous 🤣

I lost my dad just after we had the baby so I’ve also had several “teams call” with the solicitor that people have had to leave for 🤣

PrincessTeaSet · 22/05/2024 09:41

Do they ask if they can come or just turn up? It's fine to decline sometimes and also to give them a time slot. Make up an excuse if it feels awkward. Also if people are coming a lot I would just carry on as normal, with naps and feeds etc, different if they are people you haven't seen for ages.

If grandparents are coming several times a week I would expect them to make their own tea and bring their own biscuits - not turn up and expect to hold the baby while you wait on them.

On the other hand I'd take the long view, if these people live locally and are going to have a relationship with your child, and you generally like them, it's worth keeping them happy as in a year your child will have their own separate relationship and you don't need to be involved any more and it is much easier. If they aren't people you are close to then put off the visits if you want. I had all kinds of random people want to visit when I had my first. It was lovely in many ways but the sheer numbers were a bit out of hand. I put off one or 2 people and literally haven't had any contact with them for 6 years since - so it wouldn't have been worth having the visit anyway.

Whyhaveibeencutoutofmamsnot · 22/05/2024 09:53

Please try and look from the other side at least you have a lot of people who want to visit.
I can remember being so lonely for those first few months - it was early days of internet so hard to find where baby groups were, most of my friends were still working, grandparents didn't drive, DH worked long hours.
If you turn people away too often now they may feel reluctant to return

Didimum · 22/05/2024 10:01

SuperintendentBattle · 22/05/2024 09:08

@Didimum Grandparents come a few times a week and then maybe one other set of people every week or two.

Grandparents 3x or more a week? Way too much. Just politely start tailing it off!

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/05/2024 10:04

It's fine to say no can you come on x day.

Grandparents are fine to make their own cuppas, don't really need to provide lunch.

Tell them to come when she's awake and ferry them out the door when it's her nap time.
'She's due a nap now and I'm going to have a lie down aswell'

mitogoshi · 22/05/2024 10:05

It sounds like you actually need support, babies learn to sleep in all kinds of noise, it's a really useful skill, get them to make drinks, snacks, help with housework.

YourNimblePeachTraybake · 22/05/2024 10:05

Whether or not you've had a baby, you have the right to set boundaries around visits.
Did you have many visitors before you had the baby?
Wanting your own space is perfectly reasonable.

CurlewKate · 22/05/2024 10:12

Yes, so irritating that your baby has people who love her. Why would anyone feel like that?

Sunnyandsilly · 22/05/2024 10:14

I think the grandparents come a bit too often if it’s more than three times a week. But the rest seems very moderate

i would urge you though to try to get your baby used to sleeping through ambient noise and not need silence, and also to sleep in her cot, as you’re going to get well sick of that very soon indeed.

JumpstartMondays · 22/05/2024 10:24

How often did you have visitors over before you had baby? Aim for that.

In terms of getting ready for the day,make it less effort -
Shower in the evening once baby is asleep then you can just get dressed in the morning when you wake up.

Move your nappy changing station to the bathroom then you can get baby ready and your self refreshed in the morning at the same time.

So it'll be roll out of bed, dress yourself, move to bathroom for face/teeth and baby nappy/dress, downstairs for breakfast all ready for the day.

In terms of cleaning: get baby into a sling/stretchy wrap/soft carrier. Sweep, vacuum or dust at your leisure while baby sleeps on you. Make some toast for yourself or refill your water bottle, even!

In terms of serving guests: tell them where everything is to make themselves a tea/coffee/glass of water/squash. Open a sharing packet of crisps or a packet of biscuits. Tell them you're tired so could they please stay for an hour.

But really, cut yourself some slack. Enjoy the cuddles.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 22/05/2024 10:36

I'd be heading out for "baby's walk" within 45 mins of anyone arriving if I wanted them gone. If they come with you fine, at least you are not sitting indoors making polite conversation and staring at the walls.
@JumpstartMondays advice is good. Babies can get used to sleeping through a fair bit of noise if you let them. It's not sustainable to have them only nap in absolute quiet or with white noise or other artificially created environment and it will seriously limit your life and the ability to settle the baby into nursery or other environment later.