To not like people coming to visit my baby?

[SuperintendentBattle]

I know, I sound like a total grouch, but I've really not enjoyed people coming to visit my baby. I'm a FTM to a 3 month old and I find it a faff. The timing always seems to be off, landing when DD needs to nap or feed. We don't follow a strict schedule or anything so it's not like there's a time that I can reliably tell people to come that she'll be awake, and she only contact naps so I can't even sit with people and chat while she's asleep. I also find it an effort to get myself dressed properly and to tidy up the house, and then make sure I have something to serve people. DD often starts fussing/crying and it's not like I can even have a good conversation with people when that happens!

I know people will say I don't need to worry about tidying or food, but even that aside, I just find the whole thing tedious and a bit stressful and wishing people would leave when they're here. Quite a few people do things I don't really like either, like kissing the baby on the face or not washing their hands. I often find myself trying to put off visits just because I can't be bothered. I did have PPA for the first couple of months but feel pretty fine now, I just don't really enjoy the visits!

AIBU?

We're not talking about a newborn though are we

This.

Congrats on your baby @SuperintendentBattle. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable re protracted visits but it does sound like you need a little bit of support. Are you feeling ok in yourself right now?

There are no hard and fast rules but the baby is three months old so the baby needs to fit around YOUR life too! My Mum gave me the best advice when I was pregnant with my first when she said never make your house quiet for a baby. Have the radio on, have the chats, do the hoovering etc! Our house has always been busy and my kids have always been great sleepers because of it. And while contact naps are absolutely glorious, it’s completely unsustainable to have this as the only means of your child having a nap! At three months they should be going down for nice long naps so you can do what you need to do whether that be staring into space, spring cleaning, reading, meeting friends, shopping, going for a walk etc.

I also think if you feel tethered to home and therefore always at home then people will expect you to be there. Do you drive? Have you joined any baby groups or baby classes? Are you getting out much?

I think there is more to this than just annoying visitors. It’s full on being a FTM but when they’re three months you should have lots of time to yourself to do the things you enjoy. Please reach out to other Mums in the area for support and advice and if you feel your mental health is not what it could be then do please seek help xx

I ensured my babies were used to sleeping with lots of noise from birth, that way they sleep everywhere and I wasn’t restricting myself to getting home for nap time. I also handed them to visitors so they got used to sleeping on other people and being held by others.

These people are your village, and you should welcome that village. You’re not hosting them, it’s not a birthday party they are coming to spend time with you and your baby- they are there to help! I’ve always wanted my babies to feel comfortable and safe with family members and not clingy to DH and I.
I had my closest friends pop in all the time when my girls were babies, they had no expectations, I remember them holding them while I did the dishwasher for example; folding clothes… and just having a really good chat at the same time. They would get out the house, to the park, for walks… if I only wanted to meet for a shorter time, I would suggest coffee shops or lunch out.

Tell people in advance that the max you can do is an hour, no need to explain. Don’t offer drinks/food if they’re only staying for an hour. The hours long visits would drive me nuts. A friend came round for a cup of tea one day and stayed all afternoon, drove me wild. I had to send her home because I was due at the yard, it was ridiculous!

I know it doesn't seem like it but think how lucky you and your baby are to have so many people who care and want to visit......we hardly had anyone making any effort at all to see our DC and that was depressing!

YANBU: your baby, your rules - everyone else can lump it. Take the pressure off yourself, you'll be ready for visitors in your own good time.

Well she’s brand new, so I don’t think much you could do would be unreasonable!

3 mo is pretty newborn in my book!

I highly recommend meeting people for a walk in the park with a baby - it's really nice to get fresh air, babies tend to like fresh air too and it's easier to call it a day when you're done

Few solutions here... if they're wanting baby cuddles, ask them to wash their hands first. Have a couple of cakes and packs of biscuits in the cupboard and set up a tea tray with cups and teapot on and ask whoever visits to just put the kettle on. Always be on your way out but you 'can spare half an hour' and when that's up start making moves to leave. Anyone kissing your baby just ask them not to as there's so much going round right now you're being cautious. Just be more assertive but engage on your terms and you may feel better about it.

I say this with kindness - get her used to noise or you will have to have a completely silent house every night. With a second child a noiseless house would be virtually impossible!

@JollyHostess101 Sorry for your loss🌷

You sound grumpy to me.

Exactly this. My daughter is five weeks old and so far only the midwife and health visitor have visited. Our families live far away so it’s our own doing and I’m not looking for sympathy but sometimes helps to realise how lucky you actually are.

Probably some postpartum lingering.

get people to bring food - and have some frozen appiez to throw in the oven. And let baby contact nap on them. The socialization is good for you and them.

you’ll want the friends and family later! Can’t just be an A$$ now and then expect them to hang around or support you later. I mean some outstay their welcome- just say you have an appointment at (ie) 3pm. Then hustle them out and leave. Or if they are showing up to frequently then talk to them.

hand sanitizer by the door! And try not to be holding baby when you answer it.

remember you survived alllllll the face kisses. All this ‘don’t kiss the baby’ and weirdly hand washing is fairly new. Give some grace to those older than you.

Stand up for yourself. If they arrive unannounced do what my mum used to do with nan, don't answer the door and give behind the sofa lol
Seriously tho if they just turn up just ask please can you wash your hands if you want a hold? And please don't kiss her as she's had a bit of a bug and you don't want a repeat!
Don't wait on them at all. But it won't do any harm to start some ambient noise so you will be able to make noises while she sleeps.
My advice would be to look for places to go with her. Even walk at the park and speak to people. If grandparents want to they could come with you to a baby group until you settle in?
But no your baby your rules!!!

If people ask to visit only invite them when it's convenient. if people turn up unannounced tell them it's not convenient and next time ask if they can arrange a time to meet in advance. Some people think manners and consideration stop existing just because you have a baby. Start going out more as well so you aren't always in.

No-one has to visit your baby if you don't want them to. No one has to visit your baby at times that aren't convenient. Just remember though these people are coming because they WANT to give you and your child their time and attention. If you say you DON'T want them, you may find people much less eager to visit you. Would this make you feel lonely?

Grandparents a few times a week? That's a lot. Do they live next door or something.

If its close friends/family like your parents, can you ask them to be helpful whilst visiting!? Take the baby for a pram walk so you can shower? Bring a shop with them or do some cleaning or something?
Definitely set some boundaries but I would say don't forget mat leave can be lonely and in a few months you might miss the excitement over the baby and want a bit more contact (you might not , each to their own!!)

Some cultures believe a newborn should have as few people around them for the first 40 days (also for mother too, it's called post parting confinement)

I think it's a blissful idea 🙂

Post partum

I’m not mad on having people round my house, so sympathise. we had a neighbour I barely know knock 3 days after I got back from hospital and my other half awkwardly invited them in as didn’t think and I just went upstairs afters 10 minutes 😅 but as many have mentioned, arrange a couple of meetings out the house each week instead and limit house visits to people your comfortable with and when your partner is home if you’d prefer. Also don’t feel bad telling people to wash their hands and not kiss the baby, mine is 10 weeks old and I still tell people this!

The washing hands thing is odd. I've seen zero evidence saying babies catch more infections if people holding them don't wash their hands. They shouldn't be putting their fingers in the baby's mouth. Playing baby pass the parcel is just not good as overstimulation and new people holding a baby want to witter away to it.
I'm happy with people holding babies just not with visiting uninvited. My home hasn't become an open house just because I've had a baby. We didn't get this though as we'd moved away from our parents. If you decide to stay in the same town and never really move away you're maybe more enmeshed