To not like people coming to visit my baby?

[SuperintendentBattle]

I know, I sound like a total grouch, but I've really not enjoyed people coming to visit my baby. I'm a FTM to a 3 month old and I find it a faff. The timing always seems to be off, landing when DD needs to nap or feed. We don't follow a strict schedule or anything so it's not like there's a time that I can reliably tell people to come that she'll be awake, and she only contact naps so I can't even sit with people and chat while she's asleep. I also find it an effort to get myself dressed properly and to tidy up the house, and then make sure I have something to serve people. DD often starts fussing/crying and it's not like I can even have a good conversation with people when that happens!

I know people will say I don't need to worry about tidying or food, but even that aside, I just find the whole thing tedious and a bit stressful and wishing people would leave when they're here. Quite a few people do things I don't really like either, like kissing the baby on the face or not washing their hands. I often find myself trying to put off visits just because I can't be bothered. I did have PPA for the first couple of months but feel pretty fine now, I just don't really enjoy the visits!

AIBU?

Why can't you meet outside the house?

Pop little one in a carrier and walk somewhere with your company? I meet up with an old friend every fortnight, she has a 3 month old. We walk hard and fast and if baby needs a feed or is grouchy then we'll stop in a cafe somewhere and she'll do the honours of feeding him and I'll get the drinks. We both get a bit of sunlight, oxytocin and baby sleeps well in the fresh air.

You don't need to worry about the state of your house then. You wouldn't even need to be well dressed, I don't even notice if my friend is without make up or in leggings. To be fair if anyone said anything they'd have to get through me first 🤣.

Well just stand up and say 'great to see you but I need to do X' or 'we e kept you long enough it was great to see you' and walk them to the door.
I'd try and stop the contact napping asap if you want any freedom.

Babies can get used to sleeping through a fair bit of noise if you let them. It's not sustainable to have them only nap in absolute quiet or with white noise or other artificially created environment and it will seriously limit your life and the ability to settle the baby into nursery or other environment later.

I fully agree, we never tiptoed round ours, she slept when she slept, and we carried on as normal, inc with visitors, and I don’t agree with strap her to uou, that’s fine when you want to. But teach her to sleep in her chair or cot, otherwise it is going to be such bloody hard work. Teaching a child they need to be on uou to sleep seriously limits you and will cause you so much frustration. I’d be breaking that habit immediately.

So you go to them or meet in a cafe. Then you can be more in control of timings/duration.
You can’t expect people to not want to meet the baby. That would be weird. Especially family and close friends.

I agree. i would suggest getting the baby used to napping with noise around as it will makes things easier in the long run. Also putting them down for a sleep helps as it gives you time to get things done. I remember coming home, putting our DS in the moses basket in the lounge and then hoovering around him. He got used to it. It also meant as he got older we could go into his room at night without worrying about disturbing him. They've always slept well.

I would arrange to meet friends out if you are finding it hard at home. Does your baby sleep ok in the pram/carrier? If so, a nice walk, stop for a coffee and when you've had enough you make your excuses to go home. Gets you both out in the fresh air and you don't have to worry about tidying, plus you are in control of the time. Just make things work for you.

Why not meet up with people at a coffee shop for example. That way you can leave when you want and you don't need to host.
With regards to not being able to sit and chat while contact napping, not sure I understand this- if you are going to continue contact napping I would encourage you to talk/make noise etc so the baby gets used to sleeping with noise for your own sanity.

Edited to add, I'm not sure how much you've left the house but your baby will likely sleep in a pram walk to the coffee shop. I personally could not deal with being stuck inside nor contact napping, you might find it actually is more productive for you and baby 😊

Why don't you copy paste your post, and add it to your social media/family whatsapp/whatever, as one massive round robin, then people will know how you feel and will save you all this angst as they'll probably not trouble you again to visit.

YANBU. My baby is 8 weeks now and the visits have only just dwindled down. I found/find it an absolute chore and some people really do not read social cues on when to leave. I had a difficult labour so was in lots of pain and poorly but the visitors kept rolling on in. Some were here for hours! I’m talking about over 20 visitors/groups. I found it hard watching my baby being passed around for hours too when she was so brand new.

If I was to have another baby I’d limit visitors to immediate family only and agree to meet others out at a later date. I know people will say just say no but that is hard to do when you have so many people messaging you on a daily basis making you feel guilty.

You have to be able to talk while baby sleeps. I say this as someone who has an 8 week old currently sleeping on them. They need to get used to noises etc. Keep trying to put them down.

Sod the tidying, it is what it is. I got myself in a flap about this last night and it’s not worth it. My family will make their own drinks, or food and made mine in the early weeks! If they were here and hungry they would also get my food. Tell your guests XZY is in the kitchen help yourself.

Meet people outside, go to theirs etc.

I get the not wanting to get dressed, I have days like that but generally only allow it once a week, we need to get out the house. It’s bloody hard work and waiting to hide away is very real at times, but you have to push through. I try and have something in the diary for 4 out of 5 days that DH is working.

Dont let anyone stay hours if you don’t want them too, tell them you’re going to go for a nap or you need to walk or something. I wouldn’t worry about the timing of people coming over, we have no routine lol.

Keep an eye on things just in case you feel yourself really struggling x

As for sleeping through noise invest in a radio, set it to a station which is talking and put near cot, crib or pram.

Babies can sleep through all sorts of noise, it's just a matter of getting used to it. If you try and keep everything very quiet while she's sleeping, you'll make a rod for your own back! Don't worry about serving/hosting guests, just ask them to make a cuppa or whatever if baby is napping on you. Ask guests to wash their hands when they come in and not to kiss on her face. It's lovely that so many people want to meet and get to know your little one. Life will be harder if you isolate yourself and it's good for baby to get used to lots of different people.

By all means implement your own boundaries and don’t have people over. However sitting in silence with a baby all day sounds absolutely miserable and desperately lonely. The best bit of advice I ever got was to not become a martyr to naps and schedules.

The fact that people want to visit and spend time with you is something you should be grateful for IMO.
If it’s that much of an issue than you have to tell people that you feel uncomfortable with them visiting, however, please don’t post in 6 months time that you are lonely and no one bothers.

Could you arrange to meet people in a cafe instead? Might make it easier for you.

As an introvert, these comments surprise me. I'd stop everyone coming over OP, newborn babies are hard work and you should do whatever makes it easiest!

Also the newborn bubble with just the two of you is lovely. I wish I'd turned down more visitors when DD was small

People who want to visit you now are the people who will be needed in 5 years time for babysitting and emergency support.
Just let them love your baby and share her graciously.

A few times a week would drive me insane. Have they no life?!

By all means if you don’t want people round, don’t invite them! Simply say you’ve got a lot on right now but will be in touch to organise another time when things are a bit more settled?

When you’re ready, state a time and set boundaries I.e. “pop over x morning for a cup of tea”.

It does get easier as they get older/more predictable. You know roughly when they’ll want to eat surely, so you can make things easier for yourself with a few strategies. It just requires more organisation.

Wake up, set a timer and have a 15 minute tidy up around the house, nothing huge, put things in their place and hoover and clean the surfaces. Have a quick shower and brush your teeth and get yourself dressed for the day. Those are the major things, everything else can wait. Who cares if baby’s not dressed, clean onesie is enough!

And feed the baby before they come, wake them to do this if you need to? Then while they’re round, wear the baby in a sling so you’re not trapped, that way you can open the door etc.

I felt exactly like this with my first baby. I obsessed about routines and sleeping and contact napping etc. Was really bad for my mental health. I now have a 5 month old and don't do any of the above and now I love the visitors and getting out and about and most importantly my mental health has improved massively

I used to feel a bit like that... I would take baby out for a walk in the pram to get her to nap and so that I had a bit of breathing space. Will she nap in the pram? YANBU though, sometimes you just want your own space at the weekend as a little family.

Be glad of the company, get them to hold baby while sleeping and enjoy having a chat.

You need to get your child used to noise or you're making a rod for your own back.
Limit the number of visits but don't cut them out completely. Look for the positives.

She won't ever get used to the noise unless she's exposed to it. How do you think second, this and subsequent siblings sleep?

I mean you definitely can talk with people whilst she is asleep on you.. what are you doing each time, going to a quiet dark room? There's really no need when this small OP

I think YABU, given baby is 3 months. Getting yourself dressed each day should be a bare minimum even if no visitors. And why not meet them out or go to theirs? Or just make up reasons they need to leave. Yoy need to make baby less sensitive to house by exposing them to more noise, totally unsustainable otherwise. And appreciate people want to visit you