Do you know what's in your parents' Will(s)?

[YorkshireTrailRunner]

Just that really.
I've spent the past 20+ years begging my folks to make Wills, to which they always retorted 'we don't need to, you're our only child, it will all come to you' - I'm 50, gay (lesbian) childless, for context.
Found out this evening that they have made Wills but they hadn't told me. And that they have left stipulated amounts to charities. My Will leaves everything to them, only goes to charities - including theirs- if they pre-decease me.
It's absolutely their money to do with as they wish, but there's a real chance one or either will need care. AIBU to swallow any discomfort and ask for more disclosure?

DH and I are financially solvent due to having good careers. My siblings aren’t so my mother’s view is that they need financial support more than I do.

It wouldn’t be the sort of decision I’d make but it’s her money so she can do what she likes with it.

Her parents split their not inconsiderable assets between her and her sibling equally despite them being in very different financial positions so not sure where she got the idea from.

It is a lot of money as well so the ridiculous part of it is that when my siblings do eventually inherit they’ll likely end up in a better financial position than I’m in despite never having earned a quarter of what I earn.

The only thing that annoys me is there is no provision for my DS. My siblings don’t even have any children.

Are you expecting them to leave a sizeable amount? If you leave a certain proportion to charity, you get a reduction on Inheritance Tax. Though I'm not sure it ever works out that the other beneficiaries get more than they would have done if none went to charity and the higher rate of IHT was paid.

My mum asked me once if I thought I should get more money than my sister. My sister and BIL have inherited lots of aunts and his parents plus are in both mouth better paid jobs and so are minted. I explicitly told her to split 50/50. My sister is would definitely feel hurt otherwise. She is likely to be very generous with the money (as she is now) but it boils down to being treated equally. Sibling jealousy still hurts when you are adults even in functioning families.

Honestly then I’d tell them to revise it and you certainly shouldn’t be executor. It’s a thankless gruelling task.
I’ve just done it for an adored relative and as a result asked my parents to not name executor. Apart from anything else even if you don’t resent your siblings for the will (you’d be a saint not to) you’ll resent them as you liaise with funeral directors organise probate house clearance etc. and they’ll either walk on eggshells offering you support but not seeming to meddle- it’d take the judgement of Solomon from you all to get through the process unscathed.
I’m really angry on your behalf!!

Actually it’s not necessarily a thankless task- my whole family was amazingly thoughtful and careful of my feelings, but everything was fairly split 11 ways including charities who were also incredibly gracious and thoughtful in every interaction. But if I’d been going through the process of administrating an estate and grieving a parent and feeling it was unfair it’d have broken me. Sorry, a bit of projection going on here!

I do. My mum has split it equally between me and brother but as she helped me alot with my house and he didn't ask/need the help I have to pay him the money left I owe my mum from my share if that makes sense. I also get the dog 😁She's always been very big on being fair. I doubt I'd get anything from my dad as it would all be left to my step mum who's a bit younger and that's fair I guess as I don't make as much effort with them for various reasons.

My husband and I have mirror wills and after that we split everything between our son and grandchildren but we have also left 2 stipulated amounts to the charities that mean something to us. Dementia ( my mother died of it) and cancer research ( my mother in law died of it. ) There is a scheme where if you leave some money to a charity in your will some solicitors do the wills for free . That's what we did and consider it a win win situation. Oh and our son knows this and thinks it's a great idea.

My parents have always joked that they are spending our inheritance 🤣 however we have never had a serious conversation about it. My parents aren’t particularly wealthy - they have some money which was left to them when my grandparents passed away. They’ve always treated my brother and I equally.
DH and I really do need to make a will as our situation is complicated as there is a step child as well as our shared DC

I was with my mum when she sorted it….she leave her 5 GC 10k each ….then the rest of her money and sale of the house she leaves to me and my brother ….she also leaves 2k to dogs trust and 2k to a donkey sanctuary…..she keeps a copy in a fire proof A4 bag in her wardrobe

No, I've got no idea if my parents even have wills.
They've got nothing to leave though and they live in a HA house.

Yes, all to the other whoever dies first.

Then, approx 45% each to me and my sibling. Approx 10% split between gifts to other family members (much younger, single childless sibling of one parent e.g.) and legacies to charities / church.

My parents are divorced. I'm the middle of 3. Dad said years ago he was leaving everything to my older brother. No idea what is in my mum's will, but I suspect it will all go to my younger brother as she's always been very clear that he is her favourite. All I'm expecting is a letter pointing out that I am, and always have been, a crap daughter.

I know what's in my mum's and what's in my inlaws. My mum's because she updated it after my dad died and my inlaws because I pushed fil to put mil on the deeds to the house and make the wills in the first place. In both cases, I was asked to read them and give my opinion.

I know what's in my parent's, I have a copy of it. They're leaving 100% of whatever is leftover after end of life care to charity once they're both gone.

I have six siblings and they said they raised us to be self sufficient, which we all are, so we're all happy with the choice. If things go as they're currently going there's going to be a lot of very happy donkeys one day.

I knew exactly what was in my late Mum's will. Until he died, she had left everything equally to me and my brother, with modest equal bequests to her three grandchildren and a small amount to her church. She updated her will after he died, and left everything to me, with the same amounts to the grandchildren and church. My husband and I have got almost mirror wills, leaving everything to our daughter on the second death, or to my two nephews if she should die before both of us. The only difference is that I've left some money to Breast Cancer Now and to my best friend, with the explicit request that she spends it all on treating herself - she has always been really short of money and I'd love to think of her being able to splurge some money on designer clothes or a new little car. In the event of me outliving her, the money I've left to her would go to her daughter with the same stipulation. My daughter knows what is in our wills and I would be very disappointed if she had any objections to my bequests.

Yes. My brother and I have both been gifted sums to help with home buying. Our parents have made it clear inheritance will be split equally, minus anything we were gifted previously. Grandkids don’t feature because I’m childfree and my brother had two kids so they didn’t think it would be fair.

Same! No idea. Happy to leave it that way, tbh.

Ah, "The Will" - my mother and her husband delighted in trying to torment me for over 20 years with threats, promises, and playing siblings off against each other.
Who was to be executor, who will benefit and to what degree, which one was in favour etc.
The final straw came when my mother sat at my kitchen table and informed me, with a malicious sneer on her face that "depending on how you treat (her husband) after I'm gone you MIGHT get something ".
Apparently I was supposed to look after the racist, misogynistic, abusive pig.
This was after she stole a huge amount from me to feed her gambling addiction, and they were both abusive towards me and my DC.
That was it, after a lifetime of deception, lies and theft, I broke.
Cut all contact.
My sister, after years of hating them both and banning them from her house, has swooped in at their final years and is convinced she'll inherit everything.
I am free though, and that's priceless to me.
My father died when I was a teenager, his money was gambled away by my mother.
My widowed MIL has given out copies of her will to the family. I haven't read it, as I don't need to know.
Sorry for the novel 🙄

You need to know what charities have been left something, and whether it's a percentage or a fixed sum.

Large charities, but some smaller ones as well, are ruthless in getting their money or what they decide is the amount they should receive from someone's will.

So if they decide a house is worth first example 600k as they are going to get a percentage e.g. 10% of it, but all valuations you are getting are 400K they will harass you as an executor while you are grieving your deceased love one.

Do you know how much has been left to charities OP? The reason I mention is because sometimes charities offer free will writing services if you agree to a legacy to be left to that charity which is included in the will.

My mum did it years ago and left a nominal sum to a charity of her choice, it was only £50 though! But she got the will for free.

You may be worrying unduly, but if in doubt have a conversation with them, I think it's important to know your parents wishes with regards to care etc, especially if you're going to be the sole person dealing with it when the time comes, so it shouldn't be a taboo subject to ask them about.

Yes, my mother and I made our wills together years ago and I have the copies. Hers won't be changed now, because she has dementia.

@YorkshireTrailRunner , I’ve read and reread your post and I don’t understand your concern.
Your parents have left money to charities but you’re concerned if they need care? That doesn’t make sense to me?

My mother knows exactly what's in mine (I updated it today) because I've appointed her guardian to my DC so she kind of needs to know. I don't know what's in hers but I have a copy and she's always said she'll split evenly between my sister and I. If for some reason she hasn't we'll sort it out between us.

I did know years ago (everything to me, a named charity instead should I predecease her) but it's been a long time since it's come up so it's possible it's changed since then.

My grandad for the most part didn't talk about his (apparently he got it out once when drunk when I was about 6, but I don't know if anyone actually found out what was in it or if they just told him to put it away before he had chance to tell anyone.) When my parents separated when I was 10, Grandad said he'd made a new will cutting Mum out - Mum explained that that was because he didn't want any of his money going to Dad in the event that anything happened to him while Mum and Dad were still technically legally married (Grandad had had a heart attack about 4 months before they split up, so I can quite easily believe that was on his mind). He was never open about the will after that - every so often Mum would say "I hope he remembered to put me back!" (He did - the will that was eventually processed when he died was dated three years after Dad remarried and it would have become a non-issue, Mum got an equal share with her two brothers).

I've a pretty good idea because my sibling told me. Sibling is very nosy and very money oriented while I am neither. I would never ask our parents for details, but my rather greedy and already well off sibling would, and did. Then told me, which I suppose is useful information.

So as far as I know, the will is split 50/50 between us. I suppose I'm glad to know as there's a sizeable inheritance there, but I also feel uncomfortable knowing about it unofficially.

However, I may have the last laugh, as my mother has told me she doesn't want my sibling's spouse in the house in the event of her death before I get there (I live overseas). She's worried sibling's spouse will help themselves. Not on my watch, they won't.