I (injured) should have been DHs priority, not BIL (unwell)

[Bottomburpsandpops]

Recently, I had an accident where I tripped over and hit my head. My eyebrow split and I needed stitches. DH kindly left work a little early and took me to hospital. I was told I had concussion and I shouldn’t be left alone until the next day. We went home and all was fine until a couple of hours later.

DH had a panicked phone call from from SIL who said that his brother had felt unwell and fainted (no injuries to his head though), then appeared to be having convulsions. An ambulance wasn’t called as he wasn’t out of it for long. SIL had also called his parents who live a 5 minute drive away. We live around 20-25 minutes away.

what I’m upset about is that DH immediately left to go round his brother’s house. He was gone until around 2am as he drove SIL and BIL to hospital. They checked him over but no treatment was given, as they said it was convulsive syncope, not a seizure and he didn’t have any injuries/concussion. They were only at the hospital for so long because of the long waiting time in A&E.

while I sympathise with SIL and BIL, the fact is that his parents are completely fit/not too old and are both drivers with a car each and live very close by. SIL also has a car and they do not have children to look after. In addition, they all live closer to the hospital than we do. BIL also had no injuries. I, on the other hand, had concussion, was still bleeding, was in pain and was alone with a 3 year old and SEN 7 year old.

AIBU to have expected DH to prioritise me over his brother? BIL had 4 adults with him whilst I was alone and responsible for 2 children. I’m prepared to be told I’m being selfish, I may just be a little sensitive as DH has form for prioritising others over me and the kids.

So did you say no?

So your DH left you, concussed, to look after yourself and two DC, despite the medical advice that you should not be alone to be a knight in shining armour to his brother when his brother had a wife and his 2 parents to help him.

YANBU.

And with your further updates about DH going off helping people all the time at the detriment to spending time with you and DC, well it's clear that he thinks of you all as bottom of the pile.

I wouldn't put up with this, OP. The fact that he left you at home is just unforgivable.

I suspect that your DH finds the children too much (and possibly knows and feels bad about this) and going out and helping others makes him feel good about himself... not great. You shouldn't have been left alone.

No he shouldn't have left you alone. BIL and SIL had other people they could have called on for help and in the circumstances, DH should have said he can't leave you. But he left at the drop of a hat with no consideration to his own wife, mother of his children. Not good.

This is awful. Unless my husband got down on his knees to apologise I would be tempted to make plans to leave.

You poor thing op. Hope you’re feeling better

This. This with bells on

It sounds like your husband recieved a very panicked call that his brother had collapsed and had a seizure. I can honestly understand why, in the moment, he went running.

Now you have all the information it's easy now to think he shouldn't have because it wasn't bad enough or worth the risk, did he know that at the time though? Did he know others had also been called and were on their way or was it a very frantic call before he left?

Personally I would be blaming SIL more for her reaction and calling everyone and making people panic. It was just all really terrible timing, hope both you and BIL are doing better.

This - can't believe people are saying it was reasonable for him to leave his concussed wife with a child with SEN who is up half the night.

If you have children, and even more so children with SEN, sometimes you can't go rushing off to family emergencies because your children have to come first.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband. Maybe even involve a mediator. He doesn't seem to prioritise you or the children at all.

That is the bottom line and would be a breaking point for me.

I would be getting the ick with a man who put us last regularly. I’d call him early Saturday morning and say I really need a favour, I have this friend and her kids don’t have a dad and one has football and the other just wants a dad to spend precious time and they are only young for sucj a short time and you’re just so good at spending 24 hours a day doing favours for people who aren’t your family so I volunteered you. This actually won’t be your forte as I changed a few details, it’s your kids actually, but anyway I’m going to go out and be home maybe today or maybe tomorrow but it shouldn’t matter because this weekend our kids will have a dad. Then leave. Pack a bag and stay somewhere. When he calls say oh no don’t worry I’m not concussed! Oh but you were happy to leave me with the kids when I was so that’s not it, you don’t care about my health. Why are you calling again?

No. He shouldn't have gone

There was nothing he could do that someone else couldn't have done

That’s how I feel @EilonwyWithRedGoldHair , the issue isn’t that he prioritized his brother over the OP in a panicked moment, it’s that he put his children in danger. Young children shouldn’t be left with a concussed adult, end of.

It would be different if they were older and better able to look after themselves, but a 3-year-old simply isn’t safe in that situation.

That's what I’d say to him, OP, that the children need to be his priority.

DH had no need to go.

DH was required to
stay home for the safety of his DC and sick wife.

I’d be booking a convalescent weekend with a friend without DC or DH - it’s the least you deserve.

Your husband is an absolute arse.

He had no need to go, you bil had plenty of available help. He left you and your children with zero support. Imagine if you had fallen unconscious.

He's obviously the kind of man who loves lapping up the attention of being the 'good guy" always on hand to help others. Of course he only does it to boost his own self image.

You're at the bottom. Of his priority list OP, he couldn't even be arsed to stay around when he was told there was a medical need to do so. He obviously doesn't feel any need to put any effort into you or your relationship and doesn't even give a shit about his own kids safety.

YANBU. Absolutely no need for 4 adults to accompany another adult to A&E, regardless of what he’s attending with. It’s busy enough without full families turning up for a day out, clogging up seats intended for patients. Plus there’s not a thing he could do for his brother that his wife our parents couldn’t have done.

People either don't understand why the medical advice with a concussion is don't leave the patient alone or are wilfully ignoring that this advice was given to OP and her DH.

The OP may have looked 'fine', but she needed to be supervised because the symptoms can develop and worsen over time.

Imagine if he's trotted off to be yet another by-stander at his brothers side, and she's slipped into a bloody coma whilst in charge of the kids?!

Friend of mine got smacked in the head by her horse (he turned his head fast, horses heads are like a concrete block), she 'looked just fine' for about the first 6 hours... its actually taken her nearly 5 months to recover and get back to work! The symptoms worsened after that first 6 hours and she was very ill indeed and had to be taken back to hospital.

Some people get a huge kick out of being the hero, the rescuer, the person others ask for help... to the detriment of that persons own family. It's incredibly hard to call them out over as 'they're just being nice'... to everyone but their wife and kids of course!

Really? You have been receiving bad advice then. Isn't there risk of haematoma or worse?