I (injured) should have been DHs priority, not BIL (unwell)

[Bottomburpsandpops]

Recently, I had an accident where I tripped over and hit my head. My eyebrow split and I needed stitches. DH kindly left work a little early and took me to hospital. I was told I had concussion and I shouldn’t be left alone until the next day. We went home and all was fine until a couple of hours later.

DH had a panicked phone call from from SIL who said that his brother had felt unwell and fainted (no injuries to his head though), then appeared to be having convulsions. An ambulance wasn’t called as he wasn’t out of it for long. SIL had also called his parents who live a 5 minute drive away. We live around 20-25 minutes away.

what I’m upset about is that DH immediately left to go round his brother’s house. He was gone until around 2am as he drove SIL and BIL to hospital. They checked him over but no treatment was given, as they said it was convulsive syncope, not a seizure and he didn’t have any injuries/concussion. They were only at the hospital for so long because of the long waiting time in A&E.

while I sympathise with SIL and BIL, the fact is that his parents are completely fit/not too old and are both drivers with a car each and live very close by. SIL also has a car and they do not have children to look after. In addition, they all live closer to the hospital than we do. BIL also had no injuries. I, on the other hand, had concussion, was still bleeding, was in pain and was alone with a 3 year old and SEN 7 year old.

AIBU to have expected DH to prioritise me over his brother? BIL had 4 adults with him whilst I was alone and responsible for 2 children. I’m prepared to be told I’m being selfish, I may just be a little sensitive as DH has form for prioritising others over me and the kids.

I don't think you are B U at all OP! It sounds like your DH has history for doing stuff like this, and quite honestly when SIL called him, he should have said I can't come now because 'Bottomburpsandpops' has concussion, but call an ambulance, or if you're really worried get him in the car and drive him to A&E yourself, or if you're too anxious to drive, call Mum & Dad, and get them to take you. Keep me posted once you know what the situation is, and if necessary, I'll see if I can find someone to sit with our kids, and 'Bottomburpsandpops', to make sure that they're safe while I come to you.

Are he and his DB really close as a rule OP? Or is he just a thoughtless knob for the majority of the time?

Having had a concussion myself, there is no way that I would have wanted to be left in sole charge of children and for an unknown length of time. Your DH's priority was childcare, followed by keeping an eye on you. Not dashing off to be the hero of the hour.

I would be absolutely furious with him over it. How are you supposed to trust him when he pulls a stunt like this?

Which is great, but that's unusual in an adult, and your DH had no inkling that that would be the case.

A serious issue is far more likely in an adult, and yes, I'd be hot footing it to any close family member adult who had a convulsion

It's tricky really but given your BIL had three other people to take him to hospital, it's not clear why your SIL phoned your DH.

On balance, I don't think your DH did the right thing by leaving you alone with the kiddies AND not seeming to care about it!

A head injury that's been assessed, diagnosed and treated sufficiently to send you home is a known quantity. And he reacted appr9to it when it happened.

An adult having convulsions is bloody scary and I can see why he panicked. Now's not the time to be playing pick me.

Yes, it could have been serious @saraclara , but three other adults were available to get him to hospital.

Leaving a 7-year-old with SEN and a 3-year-old alone with a concussed adult, however, is downright dangerous. His children are his primary responsibility.

That’s absolutely appalling of him! He 💯 should have stayed with you.

Even without children in the picture, he was told not to leave you alone. BIL had other adults with him, so no need to go there. With children in the picture, it’s just appalling that he left you.

I guess he actually did think his brother was dying.

he should have arranged for someone to stay with you

Idk
I think he might have had a reason
Being as his brother might have been dying as he was having convulsions!

YANBU

what exactly where 4 adults going to do whilst bil was unwell? Stand watching is what they did. Dh then went and cluttered an already busy A&E .Bil needed his partner there and that’s it. Are they normally a dramatic bunch?

people can argue all they like that the advice to remain accompanied after a head injury is ares covering, complications from concussion aren’t common but they aren’t unheard of either.

he doesn’t sound very caring to you op- you really aren’t being selfish and if you were my dd your dh would not be hearing praise.

I guess he actually did think his brother was dying.

In that case someone would have called an ambulance. Not someone who was 20-25 minutes away FFS. Let's not just make shit up @Apolloneuro

Some families are those that all rush around, over dramatically, 'being there' for each other while doing no thinking at all. Sounds like OP's DH is one of those. They are tiresome. And performative.

If your wife is injured and you have kids at home, you stay there if there are 3 adults who can help the other person. Unless you're a dramatic White Knight.

I don’t understand why your SIL started frantically calling relatives rather than just getting him to hospital. Your DH shouldn’t have been called let alone be asked to leave you.

I'm literally experiencing the same as you. I was angry on your behalf from reading your post then as I've read some replies I've thought maybe they have a point

I guess it's a really random situation that is unlikely to ever happen again

The brother was conscious and rational and had a wife and two parents available to assist with no children in the mix. You on the other hand were concussed, injured and left in charge of two children, one of whom was SEN. The fact that unless there is a massive drip feed, your husband is not a neurologist and would have been unable to provided any medical input of any use whatsoever. He could have stayed home and looked after his children and kept his eyes on his wife.

I mean when you were injured did your husband make a panicked call to your sister and parents. Did your parents and sibling drop everything and rush to the scene of the accident and you all troop off to A & E? If not, why not? The answer would be because it would be a daft thing to do

I would wonder whether it is worth keeping him when he so obviously prioritises other people over his own immediate family. The disappointment of the children would be particularly galling for me. Those sorts of people always seem to neglect their own family and financial interests. Do any of those friends repay him with favours? When was the last favour his brother or SIL did for him or you? How does he get on at work or is he always late/behind because he's finishing other people's work?

I wouldn't be happy with this.
Your DH should hav prioritised you not someone who had a wife and parents to help. I would be seriously reassessing my relationship

Your DH definitely should have prioritised you. He should have told his family members to keep him updated. If he really felt he had to, he should have visited and suggested one of the othwr adults took him to at A&E or if absolutely necessary, dropped them off. Ridiculous that your BIL sat in A&E with 2 adults whilst you were home alone with 2 children. Medical advice not to be left alone is there for a reason. You needed someone to keep an eye on you in case things got worse suddenly and you needed to go back to hospital.

Are his family totally enmeshed?

I probably would go over in that kind of an emergency because to get that kind of call would genuinely be a scary emergency. If it's the kind of family that phones around because someone stubbed their toe, and every little thing turns into a big drama, then there's bigger problem going on.

Convulsions are frightening to witness and if they come out of the blue, there can be serious issues, so the initial alarm is understandable.
He should have come home sooner. There was no benefit to clogging up an A&E waiting room.

Oh OP, you poor thing. It’s so awful when someone makes you feel low on their list of priorities. What you and a PP say about your DH doing favours for everyone but you is interesting. My dad was exactly the same with my mum - he was the most helpful bloke in the world to friends and acquaintances, but wouldn’t help my mum with us kids or any of her difficulties.

My parents are now divorced. My dad has somewhat seen the error of his ways, but this biggest driver for change has been his new wife. She does things my mum never did: takes time for herself, and has normalised him being left with their shared child/doing the housework. As a result, my dad seems to respect her. I’ve learned a lot from watching all this unfold.

Leaving you alone in your situation with the kids shouldn’t have happened without a discussion at the very least. The brother’s condition does sound scary, but why did SIL not call an ambulance if it was really an emergency? It also sounds like your DH refuses to listen to your concerns, and can’t take criticism. Altogether he seems like a man with a fragile ego, desperate to be liked, who makes effort with all the wrong people.

Did he know that the others had been called?

You're giving us all this information with hindsight. We've already established that a lot of it wasn't available to him at the time. He might have been the first person she called. Or in her panic she might simply not have mentioned that she'd also called others.

I could forgive this if he panicked and grovelled afterwards. However, this does not seem to be the case. There are certain kinds of men who love being a hero and seem almost excited to jump in and help others. Often at the expense of their own nuclear family. It is a very unattractive trait.

YANBU.

it doesn’t sound like he found it a tough choice- either do all the drudge parenting work unseen, or show up like a knight in shining armour to a medical emergency that 3 other adults could manage.

Though I can understand his panic over his brother, I would struggle to forgive him dumping his children like that .

DH is recovering and has concussion just like yourself and a split eyebrow, this happened on Saturday. he was knocked unconscious though. I have stayed with him and even forced myself to stay awake to watch him until 24 hours had passed since his injury so was awake for 30 hours. They kept him in overnight and he was in for about 14 hours.

Your DH was totally in the wrong and your BIL had other adult's available.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

I was on your side to begin with but then saw you had two kids to look after! Absolutely not. OP I can tell you 100% what he did was a total dickhead move. And honestly wtf is up with his SIL calling him like that and ALSO calling his parents?! I really would encourage you to talk to him seriously about this. The fact that he’s not sorry says a lot.

It's not though. A head injury, even one that's been assessed and discharged can change in status over time, and onset in changes in level of consciousness, vomiting and dizziness after hours of stability is a relatively frequent occurrence.

If the OP and her H had asked the physician if she could be sole charge of two small children, one who has SEN, that evening they'd have said no thanks.

I agree it's easy to see why H panicked about his brother, but it's still the wrong call to have made and to have continued to make as the situation unfolded and time went on.