I (injured) should have been DHs priority, not BIL (unwell)

[Bottomburpsandpops]

Recently, I had an accident where I tripped over and hit my head. My eyebrow split and I needed stitches. DH kindly left work a little early and took me to hospital. I was told I had concussion and I shouldn’t be left alone until the next day. We went home and all was fine until a couple of hours later.

DH had a panicked phone call from from SIL who said that his brother had felt unwell and fainted (no injuries to his head though), then appeared to be having convulsions. An ambulance wasn’t called as he wasn’t out of it for long. SIL had also called his parents who live a 5 minute drive away. We live around 20-25 minutes away.

what I’m upset about is that DH immediately left to go round his brother’s house. He was gone until around 2am as he drove SIL and BIL to hospital. They checked him over but no treatment was given, as they said it was convulsive syncope, not a seizure and he didn’t have any injuries/concussion. They were only at the hospital for so long because of the long waiting time in A&E.

while I sympathise with SIL and BIL, the fact is that his parents are completely fit/not too old and are both drivers with a car each and live very close by. SIL also has a car and they do not have children to look after. In addition, they all live closer to the hospital than we do. BIL also had no injuries. I, on the other hand, had concussion, was still bleeding, was in pain and was alone with a 3 year old and SEN 7 year old.

AIBU to have expected DH to prioritise me over his brother? BIL had 4 adults with him whilst I was alone and responsible for 2 children. I’m prepared to be told I’m being selfish, I may just be a little sensitive as DH has form for prioritising others over me and the kids.

His actions speak for themselves.

He wasn’t sent to hospital. He fainted, convulsed and then was up and aware of his surroundings. SIL decided he should go to hospital. He wasn’t treated, just checked over, and had a very long wait in the waiting room as the hospital didn’t feel he was a priority.

YANBU.
Hard to believe he would leave you in that state with two children.
Unbelievable.
I hope you are ok.

Being charitable it sounds like everyone panicked. Less charitable sil is a wet lettuce, DH thoughtless and his parents too. If they knew you shouldn’t be alone one of them could have come over to you. Once sil and DH had drama llama’ed

@Bottomburpsandpops Is sil in the habit of not being able to cope with emergencies??? god help her when they have kids!

I view this from a perspective of options.

Your BIL had the option of being taken to hospital by his wife or parents. Your DH was not the only available person to provide support.

I'm surprised she wasted time ringing multiple family members rather than getting in the car or calling an ambulance.

On the other hand he left you with no option but to look after your children with a significant injury. He risked your wellbeing and that of the children in favour of his brother whose wellbeing would not have been compromised if he failed to act.

I'm not surprised you are annoyed and upset.

He behaved very poorly and clearly signalled where you sit in his list of priorities.

But I’m not saying he shouldn’t have gone to hospital or no one should have gone round, I just thought that already having 1 driver with a car there and two other drivers with cars only 5 minutes away would be enough when he was convulsing for 10-20 seconds. It didn’t make sense for someone 20-25 minutes away and in the opposite direction to the hospital with an injured person and two dependents alone at home to also go.

I think an earlier person summed it up really. It’s not an isolated incident and me and the kids are never the priority, so it’s probably tainting my perception of this.

he hasn’t said anything other than that he felt he did look after me. It’’s like talking to a brick wall.

He shouldn’t have left you in charge of the children and as a PP said, why did your SIL ring three people instead of getting her DH to hospital ASAP?

Your partner's first responsibility was to care for you and your children, of course he should have stayed with you. That he went off without a word, shows you how low on his list of priorities you are @Bottomburpsandpops .

The brother had three other adults he could have called on for help, his partner or his parents should have been assisting him, not your husband.

Does this type of behaviour happen often from him? Is he someone who enjoys being the centre of attention, receiving congratulations for his generous helpful actions?

That's a well known personality trait, that helps to boost their egos. It gives them a real boost to receive praise, especially from people at a slight distance from their immediate family circle.

If he had stayed at home to look after you & the children, no one would have thought it exceptional, but by driving to his brother, staying late at hospital with him, he was able to make himself into a hero figure, with everyone saying how wonderful he was. Except you of course @Bottomburpsandpops !

I agree

You get a call saying a family member is having convulsions... you don't think clearly or rationally. "Oh should I stand here, faffing about or should I rush over there in case DB happens to die?"

If DB had been ill, seriously ill, maybe was in a coma or had died, would you feel the same? At the time it was unknown how bad it was...

It does sound like there's a pattern of neglect from your OP but equally I don't think in this situation he would be thinking normally.

I don't think you're being selfish, but equally I don't think he is either. I think he wrongly assumed you'd be OK because you looked OK, and he panicked about his brother.

We don't always act ideally when we're under pressure and stress.

Ouch!

If my OH had done this I would be reconsidering the relationship!

You're the mother of his kids and he left you alone with them with a head injury! Wtaf?!?!?

And he didn't even need to go as there were already adults there.

If it was super urgent then he should have found someone else to stay with you before leaving.

Having had a head injury in a car crash and feeling fine then 12 hours later feeling sick and dizzy I have a lot of empathy for you in this situation.

That’s a really interesting perspective.
he’ll always jump at the chance to help anyone, which is really lovely until the kids are disappointed that he’s never here because he’s always off doing a favour for someone else. We had a discussion the other day where he said he was going to help someone with adding something (decorative- not mechanical/functional) to their car. These favours usually take a whole day once he’s travelled there, done the task and then hung out/chatted/had lunch with them and then offered to help out with something else. I asked why he can’t ever insist that people come to him, if he’s doing someone a favour, they can put themselves out to travel here so it becomes a 1-2 hour job instead of most of the day taken up helping others. And he can spend some time with us. If they want a tool fixed, help with a laptop etc, bring it to him.

As usual, he said nothing.

What @gamerchick said. How selfish of him! BIL had three other adults to potentially help. He didn’t need DH. You did! He was meant to be with you for those 24 hours and that’s before the kids to care for. What would have happened if you’d got ill and couldn’t care for them? What an idiot. Clearly can’t (a) prioritize in general and (b) couldn’t care less about you. I’d be reconsidering my marriage.

Your injury was a minor head injury.

your BIL was unconscious and in immediate danger

YABVU

I actually would have expected dh to go to brother urgently and I’d have called a friend to come over and be with me.

A minor head injury but she was specifically told not to be alone and he left her in charge of their two young children, one with SEN who wakes frequently during the night, solo. Without discussion or and agreement. Do you really think that was a sensible or reasonable decision for a father to make?

Concussion can vary in severity

If you can't be left alone and have no family to monitor you they'll keep you in hospital

But you know that now. Your DH didn't know that that was how it was going to pan out when he got the call.

I'd drop everything if I got a call that a family member was convulsing, even if they'd just come round. There are SO many serious reasons for an adult to have a convulsion, including a stroke or brain tumour. We adults aren't like kids who have brief ones with a fever.

I'm glad it worked out okay in your BIL's case, but your DH wasn't to know that it would.

Unless he thought his brother was dying then he’s in the wrong. I would be handing him his arse.

No he wasn’t unconscious. He was awake and completely with it.

Fainting and convulsions? Sorry op Id have been straight out to my brother too

Well I've suffered from concussion and it felt as though my brain was being torn apart in my head. And OP was given medical advice that she should not be left alone.
I don't understand why SIL expected him to leave his wife in these circumstances when she had help from other relatives. Sounds like OP is low on the list of priorities of all the family.
To go off without a word leaving OP with 2 young children was thoughtless and irresponsible. To go off and not even arrange for someone else to be with OP is really uncaring of the possible consequences to his wife and children.

I'm not surprised OP is upset about this.

It actually was a brief one because of a slightly high temperature as it goes.