Wedding, Birthday, who is being unreasonable me or DH?

[weeedling]

I have a friends wedding coming up in a couple of weeks. It's during the week and is an afternoon and into the evening do.

DH is not coming, he is in work anyway but he's not a big wedding fan (and doesn't know friend well anyway).

It just so happens that the wedding falls on DHs birthday.

He asked me if I'd be gone all day, I said yes I likely won't be back until late on.

He seems to think I should leave early because it's his birthday whereas I think a birthday happens every year, a wedding only once (hopefully!).

It's not a big birthday (I.e. 40th). He doesn't even usually do anything extravagant for his birthdays and he will be in work during the day anyway.

He doesn't have family living here which I do appreciate but he will have DC (his) with him so not alone and I have said we should do something the weekend of his birthday week too.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - you should stay at the wedding for as long as normal / go with the flow on the day, DH is a grown up and doesn't need you there on his birthday.

YABU - stop being tight, leave your friends wedding early to do something for DHs birthday.

Your husband is being rather pathetic and needy, particularly as he isn't usually a big birthday person and you intend to celebrate on a different weekend.

I'm not one of those posters who thinks adults shouldn't celebrate birthdays at all, but I do think it's ridiculous to insist that one particular date in the calendar needs to be ringfenced. A celebration is a celebration whether it's on your exact birthday or the next weekend or even the weekend after that. It's actually a better celebration if the people involved aren't juggling other commitments.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask DP whether I could go to the wedding beforehand but then I don't think either of us have marked the other one's birthday on the actual day ever.

So he was invited
He doesn't want to go
He's got the kids anyway
He couldn't go out if he wanted to as he's got the kids so the only option for going out would be a family pub type thing which you can do any time.
He's in work all day.
What would his suggestion be? You say to your friend sorry i can't come to your wedding I'm staying in watching telly with my husband?
Enjoy the wedding OP!

I was responding to the PP who said "the 50s called you don't have to ask permission" or something.

I was just saying I wouldn't have asked permission but would have spoken to them about it before accepting the invite out of politeness as that's what I would want from my DH if the roles were reversed.

I then asked if he had been invited to the wedding, after posted I re-read some other comments which I hadn't seen and saw that he had been invited but didn't feel the need to comment again about it.

Not sure what about my post was confusing.

I don't think it's about his birthday at all, the clue lies in the fact that you've said he's not invited but wouldn't want to go anyway ?

Why wouldn't he? He's obviously miffed that you're going to something he knows he's not welcome at

Everyone has different ideas on birthdays. But if this were me and reversed i would be quite upset if my partner didnt leave earlier to take me out for a meal or at least somthing.

Nope. Wedding trumps his birthday. He can celebrate that at the weekend

Sounds like he needs reminding that he's turning 38, not 8 (or whatever the right numbers are) and should bloody act like like it 🙄

I don't get all this, grown adults throwing a tantrum because something else is happening on their birthday. Is it a recent thing? Unless it's a significant milestone birthday, why the big hoo-Haa?
Is it for social media likes or something?
Why not celebrate at the weekend (if your not working) so you can relax and have a few drinks.
Maybe I'm just getting old and out of the loop 🤣

Does he just not want to parent his kids on his birthday,wants u there Todo the grunt work

So he doesn't really want to do anything but also doesn't want you to go out?

I don't I celebrate my birthday on the day....

My birthday never changes so my partner knows what I like to do on my birthday...

If he had a wedding on my birthday I'd expect him home at a reasonable time so we can celebrate my day too.

Wether I have my DS or not its nice to spend it together as a family.

YANBU. A birthday doesnt have to be celebrated on the actual day; a wedding does.

And (hopefully) your friend will only have the one wedding, whereas a birthday comes every year.

Is your dh inclined to be a bit jealous of your friendships?

I had the chance to celebrate on the day last year & husband was ill!

Sounds like he is pissed of he will have to look after his own child and not depend on you.
Enjoy the wedding op

Do you think he'd maybe not mind as much if you were less dismissive?

I think if I were in your DH's position I'd ultimately be happy for my partner to go to a wedding on my birthday if I were busy and I had no plans but I think I'd be a bit peeved if he presented it to me as a fait accompli that he'd be going alone without asking if I mind

Sometimes I feel like I live in an alternate universe. I wouldn't go to another event on mine or my husband's birthdays. Similarly I wouldn't plan an event on the birthday of a member of family or friend. Not sure why that's weird.

Do you think he's pretending it's because it's his birthday when really he just wants you with him to help with his kids?

It's weird because a wedding trumps a birthday. A one-off always takes precedence over something that happens every year and can be celebrated on a day near to it. It's definitely an alternative universe to me where that's in the least bit controversial.

DH spent his last birthday at our nephew's 8th birthday then sharing the 4 hour drive to my parents. Because it was half-term and it was the only day it made sense to do the journey. Was it his ideal birthday? No. Was it entirely acceptable because he's an adult and sometimes that's just how it is? Yes, without a doubt.

It depends, if your DH says to you I'm fucking off out with my friends on your birthday and I know you can't come, I'm not going to be back until late and I'm not going to see you at all even though I know you've got no family around - would you be okay with it?

If not then YANBU
If you'd be even slightly miffed YABU

Unless you normally do something special for his birthday (& your birthday) that involves going out on the actual day of the birthday etc I don’t see what the issue is. He’s a grownup, it’s not a significant birthday, you can do something on another day if you are so inclined.

You are very much not being unreasonable!

Do pressies and breakfast on the morning, write in his card the restaurant you have booked, the date and time for the weekend and suggest a night to remember! Leave him to do whatever on his birthday as you have then covered all bases for the weekend!

He can't join her that's the point though isn't it, she knows it's a child free wedding and he's got his children that night!

I'm the same, I don't even book things for the day of my partners children's birthdays and we don't even live together!
It just seems weird not wanting to see someone you supposedly love on their birthday!

No, you go to the wedding, stay for a few drinks and get back home for when the child is in bed. He hasn't day he doesn't want her to go just that he works like it if she wasn't out late. There's a massive difference - OP also doesn't say how old the DC is which makes a massive difference so young that you can only go to a family pub means they'll likely be in bed before 8, and then the husband is sat alone on his birthday.

You are absolutely not a terrible wife. It’s your friend’s wedding!!! I am baffled by folk who think you should be pandering to your DH’s strop.