Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding, Birthday, who is being unreasonable me or DH?

109 replies

weeedling · 20/05/2024 19:46

I have a friends wedding coming up in a couple of weeks. It's during the week and is an afternoon and into the evening do.

DH is not coming, he is in work anyway but he's not a big wedding fan (and doesn't know friend well anyway).

It just so happens that the wedding falls on DHs birthday.

He asked me if I'd be gone all day, I said yes I likely won't be back until late on.

He seems to think I should leave early because it's his birthday whereas I think a birthday happens every year, a wedding only once (hopefully!).

It's not a big birthday (I.e. 40th). He doesn't even usually do anything extravagant for his birthdays and he will be in work during the day anyway.

He doesn't have family living here which I do appreciate but he will have DC (his) with him so not alone and I have said we should do something the weekend of his birthday week too.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - you should stay at the wedding for as long as normal / go with the flow on the day, DH is a grown up and doesn't need you there on his birthday.

YABU - stop being tight, leave your friends wedding early to do something for DHs birthday.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 20/05/2024 20:25

TheSnowyOwl · 20/05/2024 19:48

I would have checked with DH if he was ok abour me going before accepting the wedding invite.

1950s called and said its 2024 and you don't need permission.

Spirallingdownwards · 20/05/2024 20:27

weeedling · 20/05/2024 19:53

Probably make me sound a terrible wife but I'd definitely not have asked first. It's a good friends wedding so I wouldn't miss it because DH didn't want me to go.

He did know it was on his birthday though, I told him as soon as she told me the date!

Show quote history

It doesn't make you a terrible wife at all. Indeed if you felt you needed to it would mean you had a terrible husband.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 20/05/2024 20:34

Spirallingdownwards · 20/05/2024 20:25

1950s called and said its 2024 and you don't need permission.

Show quote history

I don't think it's so much about permission and more about courtesy.

I'd not stop DH going to a friends wedding on my birthday but I'd appreciate being considered before he committed to anything.

Was DH invited to the wedding and chose not to go or was he not invited at all?

Spirallingdownwards · 20/05/2024 20:38

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 20/05/2024 20:34

I don't think it's so much about permission and more about courtesy.

I'd not stop DH going to a friends wedding on my birthday but I'd appreciate being considered before he committed to anything.

Was DH invited to the wedding and chose not to go or was he not invited at all?

Show quote history

He was invited and doesn't want to go according to the OP.

DappledThings · 20/05/2024 20:42

He's being ridiculous. If someone I knew left a wedding we were at early to go home and hang out with their husband just because it happens to be his birthday I'd think they were both being silly

daffodilflowers · 20/05/2024 20:43

You are not being unreasonable - I pressed the wrong button by accident, and voted the other way.

Doingmybest12 · 20/05/2024 21:43

Of course a wedding trumps a adult's birthday. You just give his present in the morning and wish him a nice day with his children.

elizzza · 20/05/2024 21:47

I like a big fuss about my birthday but even I would suck this one up - obviously you should have fun at the wedding and celebrate the birthday the next day!

Noseybookworm · 20/05/2024 22:32

I would do breakfast in bed with his cards and gifts and suggest he gets a takeaway in the evening and maybe a movie night with DC? Then you could take him out for a nice meal at the weekend? I think my DH would be ok with that. But we don't normally make a big fuss of birthdays unless it's a 'special' birthday 🤷‍♀️

itsmylife7 · 20/05/2024 22:36

What does he normally do on his birthday?

Summertimer · 20/05/2024 22:42

In my relationship dynamic the weekend before or after would be fine for a celebratory meal or whatever.

However, if he’d like you there for dinner on his birthday I’d get back and do that. He’s your life partner, the friend isn’t even a joint friend

StarDolphins · 20/05/2024 22:43

TheSnowyOwl · 20/05/2024 19:48

I would have checked with DH if he was ok abour me going before accepting the wedding invite.

I definitely wouldn’t do this, nor would I want anyone to check with me before accepting! op told him the date & that’s fine imo.

Op, YANBU, do something nice on the weekend instead with him.

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/05/2024 22:47

Saintmariesleuth · 20/05/2024 19:49

I've just accidentally voted that YABU, but I think you are NOT being unreasonable to attend the wedding and organise a celebration for your husband on another date

You can change your vote

SpringerFall · 20/05/2024 22:53

When a woman posta on here about her birthday everyone says the man has to drop everything and do what she wants, it happens regularly

I would have no issues with dh or I going to a wedding we would just celebrate on the weekend but the double standard is popular on here

mrsdineen2 · 20/05/2024 22:55

I've posted this word for word on a different thread, but I believe it.

I think birthdays are important because it's good for everyone (who's not a total shit) to have at least one day a year where their nearest and dearest make a fuss of them. But sometimes life happens, and the exact day of isn't feasible. So they should get to treat themselves on that day, as much as they can, and their loved ones should make up for it as close as is practically possible.

So yanbu to have a conflicting commitment on the day of.

But you should a) make it up to him on a different day and b) figure out if he wants to actively do something with the kids, or something solo/with friends on the day while you organise childcare for the wedding. Dictating that he spend his birthday facilitating your alternate plans crosses a line.

5475878237NC · 20/05/2024 23:11

a wedding only once (hopefully!).

^ even if it's your friend's second or third marriage it doesn't mean she cares less! I imagine very few people have a wedding if they think their marriage isn't going to last and deem each one as worthy of celebrating.

stayathomer · 20/05/2024 23:15

Sorry op, if dh went to a wedding on my birthday, big or not, I’d be going around clattering everything around the place all evening- very different to having to go to work or someone being sick or something. Some people don’t care but if you do, you do (there is currently a thread on why birthdays are such let downs!!)

rwa818 · 20/05/2024 23:16

YANBU he's not a child, he can celebrate his birthday at the weekend.

Jeannie88 · 20/05/2024 23:19

Wouldn't be an issue for us, unless it was a special birthday. We wouldn't normally celebrate until the weekend anyway. X

Ialwaysdomybest · 20/05/2024 23:21

Your friend's wedding is an exceptional circumstance. As you say OP, birthdays happen every year. Of course he should get a card/present on the day but surely, especially as he is working and then is with his children, the celebration can be held on a different day.
I'm not a big celebrator of birthdays but due to circumstances very rarely do I have any sort of celebration on the day. Always on a convenient day. In fact the same with Mother's Day -I never get my Mother's Day treat on the official day.
So long as the actual day is acknowledged in some way then surely celebrating on a different day shouldn't be an issue?
I think it would be rude to your friend to leave her wedding celebration for this.

Original poster
weeedling · 20/05/2024 23:25

Dictating that he spend his birthday facilitating your alternate plans crosses a line

To clarify its my stepchildren he's with that evening, his children. So he's not facilitating my plans by providing childcare. It's just his evening with his DC, my step DC, that night.

OP posts:
mrsdineen2 · 20/05/2024 23:27

weeedling · 20/05/2024 23:25

Dictating that he spend his birthday facilitating your alternate plans crosses a line

To clarify its my stepchildren he's with that evening, his children. So he's not facilitating my plans by providing childcare. It's just his evening with his DC, my step DC, that night.

Okay, that clarity helps, my fault for assuming that "his" in the OP was just clarifying he's not their step father.

In that case it's fair enough to encourage him to have a nice evening doing what he wants with them then make up missing his birthday later.

BadLad · 21/05/2024 00:03

In our house birthday celebrations are moved to the nearest convenient (for everyone) weekend. So it’s a NBU from me.

BadLad · 21/05/2024 01:34

stayathomer · 20/05/2024 23:15

Sorry op, if dh went to a wedding on my birthday, big or not, I’d be going around clattering everything around the place all evening- very different to having to go to work or someone being sick or something. Some people don’t care but if you do, you do (there is currently a thread on why birthdays are such let downs!!)

Edited

(there is currently a thread on why birthdays are such let downs!!)

Would you mind linking to it? I had a look but couldn't find it.

Ereyraa · 21/05/2024 03:15

Oh no, grown adults making a fuss about their own birthday is yuck.

Celebrate at the weekend like everyone else does.

Swipe left for the next trending thread