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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding, Birthday, who is being unreasonable me or DH?

109 replies

weeedling · 20/05/2024 19:46

I have a friends wedding coming up in a couple of weeks. It's during the week and is an afternoon and into the evening do.

DH is not coming, he is in work anyway but he's not a big wedding fan (and doesn't know friend well anyway).

It just so happens that the wedding falls on DHs birthday.

He asked me if I'd be gone all day, I said yes I likely won't be back until late on.

He seems to think I should leave early because it's his birthday whereas I think a birthday happens every year, a wedding only once (hopefully!).

It's not a big birthday (I.e. 40th). He doesn't even usually do anything extravagant for his birthdays and he will be in work during the day anyway.

He doesn't have family living here which I do appreciate but he will have DC (his) with him so not alone and I have said we should do something the weekend of his birthday week too.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - you should stay at the wedding for as long as normal / go with the flow on the day, DH is a grown up and doesn't need you there on his birthday.

YABU - stop being tight, leave your friends wedding early to do something for DHs birthday.

OP posts:
bananaramaterry · 21/05/2024 03:37

TheSnowyOwl · 20/05/2024 19:48

I would have checked with DH if he was ok abour me going before accepting the wedding invite.

Really?

bananaramaterry · 21/05/2024 03:45

stayathomer · 20/05/2024 23:15

Sorry op, if dh went to a wedding on my birthday, big or not, I’d be going around clattering everything around the place all evening- very different to having to go to work or someone being sick or something. Some people don’t care but if you do, you do (there is currently a thread on why birthdays are such let downs!!)

Edited

So a one off exceptional event of your partner going to a wedding, not a night out at the pub that he could do anytime, would make you act like that?

Your poor DH!

urbanbuddha · 21/05/2024 03:48

Make/buy him a birthday cake that he can enjoy with his children on his actual birthday and do something with him at the weekend.
Enjoy the wedding.

bananaramaterry · 21/05/2024 03:48

@TheNameIsDickDarlington the OPs DH was invited to the wedding, what are you talking about?

Lurkingandlearning · 21/05/2024 04:21

I agree. You can celebrate his birthday the day before, which would be nice.

But as I’m feeling grumpy this morning I think you should celebrate at the weekend. Pull out all the stops- banners and bunting, a party with jelly and ice cream and a cake in the shape of his favourite cartoon character, hire a clown. No, not a clown - he may feel upstaged. Hire a juggler instead

campingwithdoggo · 21/05/2024 04:37

@Lurkingandlearning perhaps he could have a new party dress for the occasion as well

campingwithdoggo · 21/05/2024 04:38

@stayathomer you sound utterly insufferable and completely passive aggressive

stayathomer · 21/05/2024 05:39

campingwithdoggo
@stayathomer you sound utterly insufferable and completely passive aggressive
😅Im just being honest!! Fine if a partner wants said ‘we’ll do something on such a day instead’ but ‘it’s not even a big birthday’ to me says ‘but it’s just your birthday!’

stayathomer · 21/05/2024 05:43

bananaramaterry
It was op’s ‘it’s not even a big birthday’. It’s not about the day, if dh said we’ll do something the day before then fine, but if the conversation went anyway like the ‘but it’s just your birthday’ honestly yes I’d be really pissed off, I wouldn’t be able to help it, we make a fuss over birthdays in this house!

stayathomer · 21/05/2024 05:45

BadLad

Would you mind linking to it? I had a look but couldn't find it.
Course, will go looking!

stayathomer · 21/05/2024 05:49

BadLad
Does anyone get down the lead up to their birthday, and really down on their birthday, every year?! is the name of the thread (sorry it wouldn’t copy the link!)

TubeScreamer · 21/05/2024 07:23

There’s something very bizarre and unappealing about adults who make a fuss and/or sulk about birthdays,

of course YANBU.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 21/05/2024 07:28

weeedling · 20/05/2024 19:53

Probably make me sound a terrible wife but I'd definitely not have asked first. It's a good friends wedding so I wouldn't miss it because DH didn't want me to go.

He did know it was on his birthday though, I told him as soon as she told me the date!

Show quote history

You absolutely shouldn’t have asked permission - it’s not 1824. He’s a big boy now and if he wants to see you so badly he can join you at the wedding after work.

LakeTiticaca · 21/05/2024 08:08

How old is he, 5? Tell him to grow up!!

ClonedSquare · 21/05/2024 08:20

I think you're not being unreasonable to prioritise the wedding. You can do something nice at the weekend, and could always do cards/presents in the morning before he goes to work and leave a cake for him and the kids later.

But YABU to bring up him having the kids as a positive for him. Him having the kids while you're out late means he has to do tea/bath/bed time for them and can't go out and celebrate with anyone else either. That's not me saying "oh a man has to parent, poor him", but let's not pretend it's the way most people would choose to spend their birthday after being at work all day.

Mumofoneandone · 21/05/2024 08:25

Maybe leave some nice treats for him to find during the evening - favourite drink or food. Plus if he likes a special breakfast he doesn't usually have, maybe get that in for him. This way he's treated on his birthday and you can then do something together at the weekend!

Lurkingandlearning · 21/05/2024 09:22

campingwithdoggo · 21/05/2024 04:37

@Lurkingandlearning perhaps he could have a new party dress for the occasion as well

😂😂

GreenFairies · 21/05/2024 09:27

A good friend of mine was planning to do that on my wedding day because it was her mum’s birthday the following day and she wanted to drive to visit her (a 90min drive). Not a big birthday, just an ordinary birthday. Honestly, I was quite upset that she was going to show for just a few hours and then leave to see her mum who she sees every couple of weeks anyway. To make it worse, her wedding was on my mum’s actual 60th birthday and I went to her wedding instead of seeing my mum.

As it happened, we had to cancel due to Covid but it left a bitter taste over how she sees our friendship.

Wakemeup17 · 21/05/2024 09:37

YorkNew · 20/05/2024 19:53

I think you should make a fuss for his birthday on the day before (if he usually does the same for you) even if it means two school nights out in a row. I always thinking celebrating a bit earlier is more fun than afterwards. You could always give him
an early morning birthday present too.

Hahaha I came here to say about the early morning present too. :)

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/05/2024 09:39

Riverlee · Yesterday 19:55
Was dh invited to the wedding with you? If he was that separate to spend time with you on his birthday, he could have accepted the invite”

Hell be looking after the kids.

Evaka · 21/05/2024 09:44

Very strange if he's not a big birthday person..

mindutopia · 21/05/2024 10:09

You celebrate another day of his choosing and then he gets 'extra' birthdays. Dh's birthday this year was a day I had to be away for work. It obviously wasn't something I planned and the work trip was outside of my control (if I wanted to keep my job that is!), much like a wedding. We celebrated the whole weekend before, so he had like two 'birthdays' and then he celebrated just with the dc on his actual birthday. I don't think he felt like he missed out (and even if he did, well, he understands why I had to be away and wasn't an ass about it).

I mean, many years ago, dh went to hear Bear Grylls speak live and left me home on my birthday, we had no dc at the time, and he took the only car, so I was literally stuck in our very rural house with no other mode of transport for 2 days while he was away with Bear. 😂I mean, I wasn't thrilled at the time, but we just celebrated when he got back.

Shakeyshakeyshake · 21/05/2024 10:11

He’s an adult, it’s not a big birthday. Tell him to get a grip

bananaramaterry · 22/05/2024 07:10

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/05/2024 09:39

Riverlee · Yesterday 19:55
Was dh invited to the wedding with you? If he was that separate to spend time with you on his birthday, he could have accepted the invite”

Hell be looking after the kids.

Just his own DC, so could've arranged cover.

Bringbackthebeaver · 22/05/2024 07:20

Talipesmum · 20/05/2024 19:50

YAB a little bit U - I think you’re making the right call, but you sound pretty blase about it - I’d be going to the wedding, but making a right fuss of my DH in advance and helping the kids put a nice birthday plan together for him while I’m out. And I know for sure he’d do the same for me.

I agree. I think saying that he's a grown up and it's not a big birthday so it doesn't matter is a bit callous. It's still his birthday. Have some empathy.

I'd go to the wedding but make a fuss of him the day before and after.