Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to think that many people have totally unrealistic expectations of parenting and life in general

116 replies

emkana · 04/04/2008 13:35

I have a few friends who struggle with the stresses and tiredness that parenting brings with it and with the demands of work etc., and I can understand that and can empathize. Their respective partners do their bit but could probably do more, this is definitely something that should be addressed and sorted, no argument there. BUT what I find a bit exasperating at times is the attitude they seem to have that they should have more help and support from other sources, like friends and family, that they have a right to time off, to (the dreaded word) "me time". At the end of the day children are the parents' responsibility aren't they? And where does all this expectation of "me-time" (that is also heavily talked about in the meedja I feel) come from anyway? I often think of my grandmother in that context, who had four children under seven in 1945, her husband was imprisoned as a PoW, she had no money coming in... I wonder what her reaction would have been if somebody had explained the concept of "me-time" to her. Of course we all do need breaks at times, but things have gone too far I feel.

(sits back and prepares for the flack)

OP posts:

dingdong05 · 04/04/2008 14:01

what's wrong with wanting a spa day? Or a day off for any other reason? It's hardley a regular thing is it?

waffletrees · 04/04/2008 14:01

My grandmother would do all her house work in the morning and meet up with pals in the afternoon. If she needed a babysitter then one of her ten sisters who all lived within a mile of her would help out. Oh, and she had a life long love of going to the bingo. They might not have called it me time but they sure as hell got time to themselves. It was quite acceptable to let your children out to play from dusk till dawn. Try that now and you would be called a bad mother.

I go out a couple of nights a month and my mum babysits. She insists - she also states that it is important to look after myself and and remember there is life beyond children.

If you want to be a martyr then go ahead. no one will thank you for it, you will not get a medal and your children will not love you anymore either.

waffletrees · 04/04/2008 14:01

I go out a couple of nights a month and my mum babysits. She insists - she also states that it is important to look after myself and and remember there is life beyond children.

If you want to be a martyr then go ahead. no one will thank you for it, you will not get a medal and your children will not love you anymore either.

Umlellala · 04/04/2008 14:02

Cicatrice, do you think the media perpetuates a myth of children 'fitting into your lifestyle' then?

Curious, as I def see this view in people I know but before having dd, I had no experience of babies and children bar my little sister who is 6 years younger than me (and teaching teenagers) yet was not so naive to think it wouldn't be hard... I DO have fabulous support from my mum though, so maybe there is a lot more in that.

Anna8888 · 04/04/2008 14:03

I took my daughter (3.5) with me to a beauty salon the other day and she sat watching, riveted and speechless .

She didn't want a turn, though.

Anna8888 · 04/04/2008 14:04

Quite agree, wanting - and having - a spa day is fine; moaning about not be able to arrange it is not.

MrsTittleMouse · 04/04/2008 14:05

What's wrong with DH asking my permission to go out in the evening? I ask DH's permission too. We don't have a babysitter locally (see previous post amount moving 3 times since DD was born), so he's asking me if I mind babysitting. Maybe I'm not feeling well, or we had other plans that he'd forgotten about. I don't see the big deal...

dingdong05 · 04/04/2008 14:06

I moan to my friends about all sorts of things... didn't realise I had to edit it.
Does anyone have a list of things I'm allowed to moan about?

FioFio · 04/04/2008 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

totalmisfit · 04/04/2008 14:08

Emkana, thinking of my own grandmother who had seven kids in the years following the war, she was a working class woman from the east end and some key differences between what it was like to bring up kids now and then are:

Convalescence: after my father was born my grandmother was exhausted and was sent (on the NHS) to convalesce by the sea for 2 weeks. This helped her to get her energy levels back. Nowadays we are expected to be at home and up and about and 'getting on with it' 24 hours after the birth!

Geographical distance between family members: in the 50's communities at least in our part of East london were much closer knit so she had a lot of support from brothers and sisters, not to mention the fact that she was friends with all her neighbours and the kids were always able to go to and from their houses to visit one another. Therefore lots of what you might call help and support was available to her and is not a 21st century invention by the media!!

Independence of children: at 6 years old my parents took themselves off to school without an adult. They walked along with all the other kids going in the same direction. They also played out in the street in the afternoons and evenings, therefore less work for their mothers. also, the women in question could cook/clean/maybe have some 'me time' whilst the kids were enjoying each other's company. And no, having time to oneself is not a recent invention either, my paternal grandmother was an artist and a poet as well as a housewife, therefore she must have had a fair amount of time to pursue her own interests.

People were just generally less isolated and helped each other out more.

Umlellala · 04/04/2008 14:08

Yeah, there's a difference between being considerate that the other person isn't doing anything (that isn't on the calendar... DH does this all the time, grr) and actually asking Am I allowed to go out?

Triggles · 04/04/2008 14:09

I think I get most frustrated when a mother gets no break at all, yet the father is out and about regularly. There are a few mums that go on about this situation when they are at playgroup. One in particular says "My DH won't babysit DS at all!" BABYSIT?? Since when is raising your own child "BABYSITTING?"

That being said, I do think there is less social interaction with neighbours and neighbour mums than there was when I was a child, which I suppose means less local support. And we did go out and play on our own for hours at a time, checking back at regularly scheduled intervals, so my mum got her "me-time." I always hate that term anyway - to me, it's right up there with "finding yourself." I'm more of a just-get-on-with-it type person, rather than someone who fusses over me-time. To each his own, I guess.

dingdong05 · 04/04/2008 14:09

This is really warming up nicely, but I have to go out and interact with rl
I'm with dc though, so don't anyone think I'm taking me time (although I may talk about things other than children... does that count lol)

Umlellala · 04/04/2008 14:10

And getting given a 'pass' to go out (one of our friend's does this...), yuk. Actually, I've just thought, this kinda goes against what I've said... of course, Mums and Dads should be able to go out if the other one is around to look after the kids!

Cicatrice · 04/04/2008 14:10

Umlellala

I definitely think that the idea that having children is an "add-on" is perpetuated in the media. Articles on working mothers nearly always concentrate on the work part and gloss over the often vast amount of domestic assistance they have.

If you can afford a nanny and a housekeeper and you mum is close fit and on side, you should be compelled to disclose this in any interviews you give before being allowed to burble on about how fulfilling motherhood is.

Celebrity mums get my goat.

RubyRioja · 04/04/2008 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sarah293 · 04/04/2008 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chonky · 04/04/2008 14:15

Agree riven. I actually don't feel guilty for having some time out when I can grab it - I work full-time, and also have a child with PMLD. Anytime that I'm not at work I'm looking after dd. She cannot do anything independently, so it's not the same as having a 4 year old who's developing typically e.g. she can't watch television, she can't feed herself, she can't play by herself. So, when I do get the chance of a night out, I go (and don't feel guilty).

UnquietDad · 04/04/2008 14:15

We don't "ask", we consult.

i.e. not
"Are you doing anything on the 30th? Can I go out with M and C then?"

but

"Are you doing anything on the 30th? No? Right, I'm going out with M and C then."

Subtle difference.

And if the other person isn't in to ask, we consult the calendar. And if it's not on the calendar - it doesn't count.

Umlellala · 04/04/2008 14:17

Exactly UQDad. Same here.

I don't think parents should feel guilty for wanting some time to themselves, I just know quite a few people who I think weren't expecting that the time to themselves would be the exception .

cory · 04/04/2008 14:18

My Mum is shocked when she sees how much (English) Mums have to be there for their children: walking them to school, not sending them out to play on their own, not leaving them alone to pop to the shops, even expected to arrange their playdates for them. She says she couldn't have done it.

They may not have called it me-time, but they had more of it in her day . Perhaps that's why they didn't have to invent a name for it: it was just taken for granted.

beaniesteve · 04/04/2008 14:20

I think the difference is that a lot of woomen these days are leaving jobs to be full time mothers and it's that change they find so difficult.

Women of my grandmother's age often didn't have a career once they got married and so the change was not so dramatic in that they were not losing a wage and therefore any financial independence, nor were they leaving a job hey loved or a lifestyle they had become used to.

MrsTittleMouse · 04/04/2008 14:25

We definitely "ask". We know that there would be a good reason for the other person to say no though. Just like we ask if we want to spend money above and beyond our normal spending. But again, both of us do it, and neither would refuse without good reason.
"Are you doing anything on the 20th?" means "Would you like to do something on the 20th" in our house.

countryhousehotel · 04/04/2008 14:25

Things are different now than they were for our grandmothers and many of our mothers too (depending on age). Mine didn't go to university or live life in an environment that encourages women to focus on independence and a career first, husband and children second, as I did. Neither did my mother or grandmother become parents for the first time in their late 30s (my grandmother was 20, my mother 18, I was 37). Yes my child is my responsibility and I don't have a god given RIGHT to me time or time-off but after 37 years, 10 with dp before dd came along, I'm not surprised I found it hard, especially in the first six months, to be so totally relied upon by my daughter. Added to that i was exclusively breastfeeding and couldn't even express (she wouldn't take a bottle) so I was utterly and completely tied to her for the first six months, so yes, I moaned about having no me-time , especially when i felt that other friends were able to manage it. I was insanely jealous of them at times, even more so if they had family who would willingly look after their babies so they could go out for dinner or to the hairdresser or even away for the night.

DarthVader · 04/04/2008 14:25

I think life is harder for mothers now than at many times during history.

Most mothers work at least part time and often have no family support nearby - housing costs are huge so many do not have a great standard of living or disposable income. In Italy the reaction has been to have no children or one child. I think women are right to complain that motherhood is tough!

And I don't know many women who had any idea what it would really be like to be a parent before their child was born.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5