Should my 10 year old be preparing his own meals?

[Bumblebun]

I have a son who just recently turned 10 and I’ve began to realise he doesn’t have much responsibilities.

I still make all of his meals, take him to school and pick him up from his childminders house, tidy his room, prepare his clothes, do his hair, wake him up and prepare his baths…I know 😖 It hasn’t ever dawned on me that he should be doing this himself and I think naturally as I do everything (single mum) I just get on with it without a thought.

AIBU for thinking he should have some more independence now?
Im just about to make a chores chart but I’m curious…

What responsibilities does your 10 year old have?

I have a 10 yr old DD, from your list

make all of his meals - me or DH make meals were all eating together, DD tends to get her own breakfast because she's first up and sometimes makes a quick lunch like a sandwich at the weekend.

take him to school - DD walks herself to school but it's in our road so it's a very safe short walk

tidy his room - takes a lot of nagging but DD tidies her room

prepare his clothes - DD sorts this before bed for the next day

, do his hair - I do brush her hair, it's waist length, tangles easy and she hates doing it so if I don't then it ends up a tangled mess. I want her to cut it, she doesn't, it's an ongoing discussion.

wake him up - unfortunately she is a naturally early riser has only slept past 6.30am a handful of times in her whole life. I'd quite like her to have a lay in every now and then.

prepare his baths - no, DD takes care of this herself now.

My DS10 has chores to do every day but fairly basic - takes the rubbish out, washes the pots. Then the rest of the time it’s just basics, washes up whatever pots he’s used, helps set the table, has to keep his room tidy, gets his own clothes out. He gets himself showered but I do run his baths for him as he makes his so hot and so deep! He also makes his own breakfast each morning x

@ByUmberViewer

Thank you. That’s helpful.

typically he will have toast and jam/ butter in the mornings and I tend to do it for speed as I work full time also and we have to rush in the mornings; but I will get him to start doing this as I think he is more than capable. I honestly think I’m so used to doing it all but it’s dawned on me since he turned 10 that he isn’t a baby and should be doing some things by himself. I will start now. Thank you

My 11yo has ASD.

He sorts his laundry
helps tidy his room
puts washing on
puts tumble dryer on
Goes to the corner shop for the odd item

The thing is to just start small and get him to do small simple things for himself and then add to it. It's a learning curve for parents too!

@ForgottenPasswordNewAccount

wow that is amazing!

puts a load in the washing machine!?!
I need to up my game.

I will be using this as a guide.
would be great to have some help around the house as I’m so used to doing it all alone.

thank you

Give him a laundry basket and get him to bring down all his own laundry and tidy his room. He should be bathing himself and combing his own hair. I'd still be cooking meals for him though, because he's a child.

My 6yo doesn't prepare her own meals but likes to help me in the kitchen. She can chop, grate, weight and measure things out and stir the pot. She also does things like butter her own toast.

Since she's been 5 she tidies her own room, makes her bed every morning and opens her curtains. She gets herself dressed, brushes her teeth and gets washed herself. She now gathers up her own washing and puts it in the wash basket every morning.

To earn extra packet money she'll clean the toilets (which she weirdly enjoys) and she also loved hoovering.

When she turned 6 we got her a GoHenry card and she's gets her pocket money on a Friday of she's done all her chores and earns extra for doing more. She loves earning and spending her own money. It's teaching her responsibility and the value of money.

At least you’ve realised now.

For comparison by 4 year old

• puts her used crockery, cutlery and glass/mug next to the sink
• dresses herself, brushes her hair, makes sure her bedroom floor is clear for robot hoover
• packs her water bottle in her bag in the morning
• working on emptying her bag after nursery
• always puts shoes and coats away
• set the cutlery for dinner
• Tidies toys are playing
• puts away her already folded piles of laundry. She is also able to help sort laundry if she is around at the right time.
• puts her dirty washing into the right section if the washing basket

Mine is 10. I try to get her to tidy up after herself (varying success) and she runs her own baths.
But that's it really from your list anyway

My 9 (almost 10) year old daughter likes to make her own breakfast and sometimes packed lunch for school. She has started washing her own hair recently although I still run her bath. I don’t really view those as chores though.

She’s terrible at tidying her room so although she tries I generally end up standing over her and guiding her as to what to do. She’ll put laundry away or do a bit of dusting if I ask.

I’d like it to be all part of a weekly routine. Need to work on that bit.

Yeah basic breakfast is ok and snacks but wouldn’t expect him to be responsible for making cooked meals unless it’s something he’s keen on and shows an aptitude in and you gradually help him learn.

My friends son would sometimes cook quite complicated meals for the whole family at age 11/12! I assume he’d started young.he absolutely loved cooking with his uncle so it was something he asked to do occasionally rather than something required of him.

It is good to hear so many teaching their kids basic skills though, I have a friend who seemed to think her children weren’t capable of anything. Like she would have a go at teachers in year 5 for not reminding her NT daughter to drink her bottle of water or go to the toilet. It was grim - her child should’ve been able to remember to pee and drink by that age. Why add that to a teachers workload?

She’s the type to complain how tired she was but she didn’t delegate enough to her children.

Oh she does her own hair and chooses her clothes obviously

9yo often clears and lays the table, will make a sandwich or toast, tidied his room, feeds the dog if I’m out and will let him out of his crate and sends him out for a pee if he’s awake before me. No payments, that’s just like, he’s happy to do it. Feels about right.

The ability to make simple meals is useful. DS makes toasties and wraps and uses the air fryer to do pizza bagels. He also does cereal etc for breakfast. Basically if I stock the fridge he doesn’t starve.
He can load and unload the dishwasher, puts his dirty clothes in the laundry bin and will help with things like weeding the garden if asked.
He takes care of his own personal hygiene.
He’s 11.

That might sound helpful to you and it’s great if it works for that posters kid but it may not for your child.

Everyone’s different and definitely not every ten year old is putting a load on.

If your child is being assessed for autism certain tasks may be a bit more difficult to him as easy as they sound to others.

edit to add: To be clear some autistic kids may be ok with this as everyone is different but autism or not each child is different.

My mum was a single parent and she gave ND me more responsibilities than I’d have liked at that age.

I get she was struggling herself but it was overwhelming at ten .

There’s a balance to be reached between babying kids too long and giving them more than they can handle.

Going slow and checking in with your child frequently should help.

The Making own meals comment was regarding breakfast - I do breakfast everyday for speed as I work full time.

Yes I cook dinner but because I am often doing so much (I work in education so sometimes have marking to do at home) or will be tidying the kitchen or doing laundry so we don’t always eat dinner together. Often I will give him his dinner and he will eat whilst I’m doing chores and then I will eat when I get time to before heading to bed.

I suppose I’m constantly on autopilot and I’m so used to doing it all it just feels normal - but I’m aware he is 10 and I’m sure at some point parenting gets easier and I think may be easier with some help. I don’t have a partner and so it’s just me and him.

this thread has been eye opening though and I think it’s confirmed to me that he could be doing more. He is never rude or disrespectful and if I ask him to do something he will do it; but again because I’m so used to doing it all- I don’t ask and so he doesn’t have much responsibility at all.

@Merryoldgoat

thank you. That’s helpful. I will start small like this.

Definitely start small when he currently does sod all for himself.

My twins are 6 and both have Autism and ADHD.

They: tidy their room, mess they make in the lounge, run their baths, do their hair, dress themselves, make their own breakfast.

All of this is with me present to supervise and support if asked, but they've been doing helping jobs since they were toddler, as it's part of my job as their resident parent to teach them life skills, as well as everything else.

I'm bemused it hasn't occured to you before 10. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Bumblebun when you say he struggles with things, what is it about the task that he can't do right now?

I have an ASD 8yo and I think one of the most important things I'm trying to teach him is a growth mindset of "I can't do that ..yet" as he is quite fixed in whether he can do something. So I would say start small, support with eg. a ticklist for the steps for making breakfast and praise his independence when he manages any of the steps.

this thread has been eye opening though and I think it’s confirmed to me that he could be doing more.

No-one on this thread can confirm that for you. You and your son will know best. You’ll need to observe and check- in with your son and see how things go.

my final word on this is : Please don’t assume he can do the things random mumsnet poster says her ten year old can do.

It has taken a while, but my 10yo makes his own breakfast, puts snacks in his school bag without being reminded, and can make some simple things like cheese toasties, spaghetti carbonara and cups of tea. He loves to help in the kitchen as long as we can chat/have music on, but during the week there really isn’t time. He can put things in and get things out of the oven.

The next step for us is making him put all the things he needs for sport and clubs in his bag independently.

He has to unload the dishwasher once a week. He fills a jug for the table and lays it about half the time.

He knows how to use the washing machine, and occasionally will bring clothes down (when instructed) and put on a wash. He occasionally unloads the washing machine and hangs things up to dry. He has just started ironing his own school uniform. When clothes are dry, he has to put his own away.

He has to keep his bedroom reasonably tidy, and make the bed and open the curtains every morning.

He will occasionally water the garden etc.

He loves hoovering, but rarely gets the chance.

So true

@Crepester

Thank you. I will definitely be taking the replies with a pinch of salt and won’t be pushing my son to do anything he is not ready for; but small tasks such as tidying his room or preparing his clothes from the night before - or even buttering his toast is something I can start with and take it from there.

Personally I'm happy my 12yo knows how to make 4 dishes alone. I don't make her do it but if I am out walking the dog and she is hungry she knows she can eat something she likes.

I think it's getting a few meals set so they have some options and then they can learn more and do more if they get into it.