My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

[feathertv]

My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

My fiancé’s dissertation is due next week, along side 2 other large essays. We have been together since a young age before GCSEs and I have supported him through GCSEs, Alevels and now his degree. He struggles with being under academic pressure and never seems to start essays until they need doing, in 2nd year he handed in multiple essays that did not reflect his full effort just because he was overwhelmed with them. I don’t mind what grade he gets tbh I don’t think he will use his degree. But at the start of January I wanted to be supportive with his dissertation and so have asked him every week what can I do to support you, how is it going have you gotten a good amount of words down this week? Especially as the dissertation is such a large amount of words I knew he couldn’t pull it out of the bag last minute. He has gone to the local library every single day since January sitting there for 9 hours at a time. He usually takes on the cooking/washing up/laundry etc because my degree is more demanding (I have placements alongside my studies) so I’ve really made an effort to take some of the weight off of him, even though it’s left me struggling myself as I am also in my final year of university on my final placement(working 40 hrs a week with a 1 hr commute twice a day) whilst studying at the same time. Basically I am exhausted and ready to finish my degree but i wanted him to have no pressure on him during the last couple of months. I asked him this week if I could read through his essays and dissertation and he would not let me look at them. I thought it was weird but I had been on nights so I was too tired to investigate further. Yesterday I decided to question further as he still would not send me them so I asked what was going on. I reassured him that I just wanted to help like he does with mine but he kind of broke down went for a walk and sent me a huge message about how sorry he is and that he has been lying for months about the progress of his essays, I knew I didn’t have time to be mad I needed to be supportive so that he can try and get something written by next week otherwise he really would not cooperate, I applied for an extension for him and he now has to write 16,000 words in a week because he wrote literally zero words the whole 5 months.
I drove him home from university so that me and his parents can support him for the next week . He was also supposed to start a new job next week so I drafted an email for his boss.
It was only last night that I was thinking before bed how hurt I actually am, the constant lies about how much progress he’d made each week, asking me to wash up because he’s been at the library all day even though I’m exhausted from placement. He even copied and pasted 5000 random words off the internet into a doc that said dissertation because he knew I would ask to see a word count .
I honestly feel distraught that he felt he had to lie when I’ve been nothing but supportive of his academics.
We are supposed to be getting married next year but I fear that if he can relentlessly lie like this for 5 months what else can he lie about.
Do I have a right to feel upset? Am I going to be able to get over the complete lack of trust? AIBU to feel so hurt by this ?

What the actual fuck?

The OP is not his mother.

It is not the OP's job to research ADHD and seek a diagnosis for this grown-ass man.

If he has ADHD it's for him to fucking well do the research and seek help, not the OP.

He should have reached out to his uni tutors or student support

This is not something that you should be trying to fix

I agree concentrate on your own degree, your placements, your career & yourself

Stop trying to rescue him !

I agree, do not marry him !

The working 12 hours & making you do the washing up is enough reason for you to leave !

God yes, every word.
Obviously he should have fessed up (to his tutors ), but he must be so overwhelmed I feel sorry for him.

How deeply unattractive to have to mother him. I'm struggling to see what you see in him.

You are only 22, please leave. There will be someone so much better for you! How depressing to have to do all this for him so early on in life..

You don't sound matched in your drive and ambition.
I would really consider if you would be better off parting ways and trying to find partners that match the effort out in.
Inequality in how much effort is put in will drive away your respect in the long run.

Yeah - my husband and I have been together since we were sixteen and seventeen, and I proofread one paper for him one time. We went to college (US definition of college) halfway across the country from each other.

This boy is not ready for marriage.

You supported him, you had to apply for the extension, you drove him to his parents, he lied about his homework to you ...

You're basically his mum.

I'd recommend you postpone the wedding, get that pressure off him. He's way too young, and also seems less mature than you are. That's not an equal partnership.

He needs help. There may be stuff going on underneath and he may be needing some professional support to help him get to grips with why he's like this.

Because if he doesn't get this sorted you'll become a regular here, despairing about what an infuriating life you have with him.

Give it a few years.

He's got a lot of growing up to do.

You're not supporting him, you're controlling him.
You've dated since you were little more than children and this sort of codependency isn't healthy or sustainable.
What the pay off for you in martyring yourself by micromanaging his academic life? A martyr complex?!

Am I the only one that thinks he probably felt totally smothered?

Martyr complex sprang to my mind too

OP, there’s an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic that reminds me of your dynamic with your fiancé. (Bear with me for a second.) Fluttershy, a very sweet and well-meaning pony, wants to help these flying creatures called the Breezies. The Breezies need to migrate home and have a limited time to do it. When they get thrown off-course, Fluttershy takes them home and cares for them, and the Breezies keep making excuses about why they can’t leave yet. Fluttershy continues to indulge them because she thinks she’s being kind. Their migration time is running out. Finally, she realizes that real kindness means telling the Breezies they need to leave and solve their own problems without any more “help.”

You are Fluttershy, your fiancé is the Breezies, and you need to let him go to succeed or fail on his own. Coddling him is not helping him. It’s causing an infantilizing, unhealthy dynamic. The lying is a whole issue itself - this is not a pattern you want to continue into a marriage. Don’t marry him. You two need serious time apart and he needs to learn how to be an independent adult.

You've been together with you supporting his education since you were literally children.

You haven't known anyone else, built any kind of relationship that wasn't codependent. And at 22 your brains won't be fully mature for a good three years yet. You're not the people you were when you got together and you won't be the same people in a few years time.

Please op take in everything that's been said to you including the conclusion that you're smothering him.

You both need space to grow.

@feathertv what has he actually done in the last 5 months? And who has been paying for his bills, rent, food etc?

The reality is that you have grown up and your oh treats you like his mammy. He thinks that you be their to sort out his issues and make his life easier. You always been their doing this so he has never had to sort out and deal with his own mess.
The reality is that he should have dealt with getting the extension himself or got help long before now if he was unsure/stuck ect about this dissertation. It not your job to mammy him and manage his work load either.

At this stage I would concentrate on my own degree. I would make plans for your job and career going forward that suit you and not him. You need to live apart from him and to let him grow up, take responsibility and learn how to adult.

In your 20s you grow up, get thought college, have less than great jobs and have time to enjoy life before becoming someone mammy.

It should not be this hard early on for you with him. I have seen friends getting married and having children. They both had to be adults. They had to be willing to do more housework, childcare or household admin or deal with situations on their own because their oh was elsewhere.
Then you don't know what will happen in life. You need someone who can deal with problems rather than creating more work for you.

One of my friends is with a man like yours and being honest the lack of get up and go, the ability to sort out things and be an adult does not improve with age. My friend is left carrying the mental load and doing everything unless she tells him you need to do this like child.
She had enough of doing things for him. If she had money she leave him at this stage.

I have ND 11 & 13yos. I do not micromanage them to this extent. As a parent I check what work they have, when it's due in and if they've started at a vaguely appropriate time and that's it. For them to learn, they need space to risk failiure.

As a couple this is a very unhealthy dynamic for you both. He needs to go through the appropriate academic and pastoral channels for support (which could result in routes like ADHD investigation/ diagnosis). OP will burn out of managing him at some point because this dynamic is not sustainable for adult and family life.

OP needs to reflect on how this dynamic occurred and make sure that her energy is used productively and in healthy relationships. Happy relationships are not about fixing people which is different to mutual support. This relationship is not on a path to happiness, and OP does not want to move on to another relationship with a similar dynamic; she deserves an equal where they can function together with mutual respect.

I know of one relationship from pre-uni days that has survived into marriage and family life. They had space to grow through the uni years, but managed to grow compatibly. Many uni marriages floundered in the late 20s- early 30s. The marriages that met young and lasted tended to be those who took it gradually- if it's a good relationship, there's no need to rush! Do not use sunk costs of a relatively long time together be a reason to put up with an incompatible relationship, especially when you are young and have no lasting financial commitments together.

You need to be able to cope with each others way of working.

Why are you treating him like a baby, he’s a grown adult and you are not his mum!

Stop keeping on at him.
Leave him at his parents and focus on yourself.

You both sound very childish and need to grow up.

Perhaps because you’ve been together since you were young, you are almost stuck as teens and can’t mature whilst you are still together.

I would seriously consider whether this is a relationship you want to carry on with.

I agree with @BogRollBOGOF

My DC is also ND and needs a lot of support.
She is currently doing her GCSEs and has been doing course work.

I am very involved in her life as she’s a child and needs extra support, but I’m no where near as involved as you are in this grown adults life.

It’s actually really uncomfortable to read your OP and I’m not sure which one of you I feel more sorry for.

You both need to find your own identities and that comes with having space.

Do not get married.

@feathertv You’re too young to be dealing with level of drama and responsibilities, move on.

I can only imagine how useless he will be when you have a full time demanding career and children and will have to be his mother.

And let me guess, aside from these issues he is amazing and makes you happy right? The same thing the many women say on mumsnet while posting about husbands that are useless, abusive or do not carry their own weight at home leaving everything to the woman, but but but aside all that he is amazing.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN-CHILD

he has let you carry the weight of the relationship for years, even before this fiasco you supported him through his studies.

he doesn’t value or respect you.

This!

Don't marry him.

YABU acting like he is a child and you are his mother. No wonder he lied, it would drive me crazy if my partner wanted weekly updates on my progress and checking his word count is crazy.

OP, please listen to this.

You are much too young to even think about getting married.

Wait until you are in your late 20s. There is a whole big world out there.

Leave this guy to his lies.

You been to stop doing things for him. He's an adult, he needs to act like one!

I met my undergraduate boyfriend in week 1 at university and we were together for three years. I was utterly besotted - until towards the end of year 2, when I began to realise how feckin' indolent he was. It eventually drove me mad and although I stayed with him through year 3, I knew it wasn't going further than that.

I had zero input to his degree and whilst I was revising like mad for finals, he was doing zilch - and he managed to persuade the senate to give him an intercalation (delay his finals by a year) a week before exams started. Reader, a year later he managed to fail his degree.

OP, having experienced Mr Dolittle for myself (he was lovely, don't get me wrong - but spectacularly laid back), I don't know how you can envisage a future with someone like this.

You sound intense. Loads of people I know did their dissertation in the last month, I know I did mine in 3 weeks and got 82% - there’s more than one way to do things.

You constantly monitoring his progress would’ve no way helped the situation. If my husband pestered me like this I’d have told him to piss off!

Also why are you mothering him so much? Applying for an extension??? Drafting an email to his boss??? Then taking on all the household stuff??? Why?